Home Feb. 15th.

February 11, 2005
Post Op Day 10
Our Journey Home

I got a reasonable nights rest and felt just a bit tired when I woke up this morning to a rainy day in Scottsdale. There has been a lot of rain in the area that has not been typical of Scottsdale during this time of the year. Jen had been the process of packing since yesterday night and got most of it done. I started my packing process a bit later that morning. As I was packing my stuff, Jen went down to the lobby for some breakfast of yogurt, muffins, and a few other assorted goodies. We made coffee in our room for the last time. We got all of our stuff packed and ready to go. I took a shower, washed my hair, and etc. got dressed and I was pretty much ready for our journey home. We moved our stuff downstairs and loaded it into the PT curser for our trip to the rental car place.

I took several pictures thru the care window as we drove down the streets of Phoenix. This drive was an emotional one for me. My mind was full of recent events and all that has happened for us here in Scottsdale at the Greenbaum, their staff and Dr. Meltzer’s staff. In many ways, Scottsdale will always hold many memories for the two of us.

We arrived at the Dollar rental car return facility without incident and the car drop off was just the same. The driver of the shuttle loaded our stuff into the van then we headed off to the Phoenix airport, PHX. We arrived at the SWA curbside check in and the driver helped us unload our bags. One little annoyance during our ride to PHX, some guy stepped on my toe as he rushed to get off the van, yes, it was annoying but he did not appeared to care. I don’t think he even realized what happened. Oh well, Stuff happens.

In the world of air travel, SWA has got to be one of the better airlines to fly on. They are prompt with their curbside service, flights are almost always on time and the personnel pretty much appear to be happy. I have a friend in TX who knows a TS woman pilot that works at SWA. She has an all woman crew. It’s one more reason why I think SWA is successful at what they do.

We got our boarding passes and headed for the security check. The security check line was not long at all and we encountered no problems during that process. Jen and I proceeded towards gate C4 where our flight was located. We had well over an hour before our flight was to depart. We shared a quick lunch of cheese pizza as we waited. Jen picked up a news paper and I wrote about day 8 in my journal. It suddenly occurred to me that my CD case was missing. I was more than concerned. Not only did the case have about 40 of my music CDs, it also had cards and notes that were sent to me during our stay at Greenbaum. Those cards and notes are quite precious to me and are part of my memories from Greenbaum. I began to think about where I might have left it. It turns out, I remember leaving it at the security check point. We headed back there. When we arrived at the security check point, I went up to the security officer, Lori and asked her if she might have seen a black CD case. She had it right there on her desk. She discovered the case soon after we left the security check area. Lori looked inside to case and found the cards and notes sent to me and were in the process of having me paged over the PA. Lori had a look at the music CDs in my case and liked the music it held. She told me it was so different than what her co-workers listen to and such a welcome sight.

With CD case in hand, we headed back to gate C4 settled down into a chair and waited for our flight. We got a pre-boarding pass so we won’t need to deal with the rush of passengers trying to board the flight. This idea came to me when we were returning home after Jen’s surgery and it is a good thing to do. The flight arrived pretty much on schedule and we pre-boarded the Boeing 737 with the pass issued to me. We sat near the very front of the plane and waited for the rest of the passengers to board and get ready for take off. Our trips up and down the western skies were a totally uneventful one. I feel far safer flying in a well maintained and engineered airplane such as the Boeing 737 than driving on the road. Modern aircraft and air travel is amazingly safe. It is one of the safest means of transportation today. This is a tribute to the individuals involved with the aircraft industry and airlines like SWA.

Our flight landed at SJC and picked up our baggage without incident. Vicki picked us up on the arrival curb side and we were off to home. She dropped us off in our drive way, I opened up the door and while Vicki and Jen help unload and bring our stuff inside. Gosh! It’s nice to be back home. One of the first things we did was to let our Parrot out of her cage. From what I can tell, Blasé was glad to be out of her cage, but wow, did she look upset at us for leaving her alone for such a long time.

I got into my comfy clothes, got in bed to rest and take a nap after such a long journey. When I was rested enough I did my post-op maintenance while Jen made a dinner of chicken and rice. WE had orange / vanilla ice cream center popsicles for dessert. This was our first meal at home together. Later that evening, I called my ex to tell her that we are back and won’t be back to visit for a while. I told her I was tired, she said, “I bet after that trip.” I spoke to our daughter Camille for a short while and chatted about what has been going on in her life. I miss our kids after being away from them for what appears to be such a long time.

It was a cold and rainy night as Jen and I began to settle back in our home. The rest of that evening was simply quite time for Jen and me.

February 15, 2005
Post Op Day 14
Little Things in Life That Can Be So Easily Taken For Granted.

February 13 & 14^th.

Sunday was a nearly uneventful day for us. I was still tired for all the recent events that I decided to simply take a day of rest and do as little as possible. It was also a day that I needed to figure out how to deal with the Foley Catheter that I came home with. I called our doctor surgeon friend Dr. KRC to discuss the possibilities. I called her in the cell phone at first with and got the voice mail. I left her a message, Then, I called her home number and she answered. Dr. KRC was reading my journal when I called. I explained in detail what happened and she told me that catheterizing yourself is not that difficult a thing to do. Our original plan was to remove the catheter on Monday and see if I could pee, if not the catheter goes back in for a few more days.

My regular primary care doc was on vacation, but I had informed my ob/gyn at Kaiser about my surgery. Dr. KRC told me to call then and discuss this with then. If that does not work out, she will drive down from her home up north to make a house call and show me or Jen how to remove and insert a catheter and take care of what ever other post op care I needed. Now the plan became, call my ob/gyn at KP on Monday to discuss and call Dr. KRC back to see what needs to be done. I had done something that was not very smart when I packed the package we sent home. I put both Foley catheter kits in the package not thinking of the importance of this. Dr. KRC got on my case for doing this as she said, “You should send back your clothes, not something really important like a catheter kit and the ability to relieve yourself if something goes wrong. Catheterization trays are not something you usually find in a doctor office.” All I can say was, “OK you’re right.”

Monday, Valentines day, I called my ob / gyn at KP and left a message for her to call me back.

I waited for the call back. Time passed and I was beginning to wonder. At 11:00 AM or so, I got a call back from my ob / gyn’s nurse Heidi. I discussed the idea of me removing the catheter on our own that day and going the ob/ gyn department later that day I if I needed to be re-catheterized. Heidi said, “No, we don’t want you to do that. Things can happen and you might not be well prepared to deal with what could occur.” So she made an appointment for me to come in first thing Tuesday morning to have the catheter removed and they wanted to make sure I could pee before releasing me back home, otherwise the catheter goes back for a few more dreadful days. Unless you have lived with a Foley catheter and drainage bag for a while, you might not appreciate the significance being able to pee on your own. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday morning and a pre-op exam with my ob / gyn early next week.

Jen went out for a bike ride that morning and I told her of the news when she got back. We got ready to head over to the post office and Safeway for food shopping.

To make things worst, I was getting the sense that a urinary tract infection was beginning to happen. I have had these before pre-op and they are no fun at all to deal with. I knew the symptoms and body reactions. I was hoping this was not going to be the case, but gosh, I knew in the back of my mind it could be just wishful thinking.

Jen ands I drove over to the post office and got our mail including the box we sent from Scottsdale. That was a welcome sight. IMO, the USPS package service is simply good and reliable. The amount of stuff I have sent via USPS has not been small and so far, they have been 100% on every shipment domestic and foreign.

Our food shopping trip at Safeway was uneventful except for me dealing with what feels like a UTI happening and making a dash to the bathroom. I was getting tired from our short trip too, so Jen told me to wait for her in the car. It was a rainy valentines day.

We got home and I got into bed to get some much needed rest. I also took one of the Doxicyline tablets prescribed for me as part of my post op meds. I should have been more diligent with taking my meds on schedule. BTW, my rash and cough is pretty much gone now. The scheduled prednisone tables really work well to help clear things up fast.

The rest of the evening was spent with a quite dinner together with lots of rest and post op care. I got a visit from my little sister, Amy. We met at the same picnic Jen and I met at. I have tired to do what I can to help her along her life’s journey and seeing where she is today is very rewarding to me. I got out a new Foley bag from one of the kits thinking there might be a risk of infection myself from anything that might be left over from the old Foley bag. I set the thing up and we went to bed thinking about the events to come on Tuesday morning.

February 15^th.

I slept pretty well that night. I woke up at just after 6:30 AM which is pretty typical for me. Jen woke up a short time later. Both of us got ready to head over to KP to deal with my Foley catheter. It was another rainy day. We arrived at KP pretty much on time and checked in. I believe nearly everyone in that department knows me as I go by there once every 2-3 weeks for my EV injections. It has become a friendly and familiar place for me and the staff who work there.

My name was called and my ob/gyn’s nurse (nurse ‘A’) opened the door and welcomed me into exam rooms 3. She gave me a gown and instructed me to change into it and she will be back in a moment. She is also one of my favorite staff members there. I got to say the gown in the ob / gyn department are definitely prettier and more feminine that the plain white with blue printed lines issued at the Greenbaum. I got changed and began to lie down on the exam table just as she arrived. I got into position, she got everything ready and Jen held my hand for what was about to happen. Nurse, ‘A’ told me to be ready and with a gentle tug, a moment of burning sensation from down stairs, the catheter was out. I also made a considerable mess on the pad she put under me just before this was done. I told nurse ‘A’ that I might have a UTI brewing. She wanted me to drink some water and try to pee into a sample tray so they can run a culture for what might be a possible problem. I went to the bathroom just around the corner and not much came out of me except a few dribbles. I began to worry again. I really did not want that catheter back in me again. Nurse ‘A’ came back to my exam room to check on me. She told me to be patient and not rush as this could take some time to get things working again after being catheterized for the past several days. She had what appeared to be an endless supply of sample trays for me to get a good clean urine sample. I kept drinking. Nurse ‘A’ did a quick exam on me to see if my bladder was getting too full. It was definitely filling, but nothing was coming out yet.

Two trays, two dribbles. Not enough to run a culture or sample test. Jen appeared to as concerned over this as I was.

Once again, nurse ‘A’ told me to try and relax and don’t worry. If it’s going to happen, it will, if not we will deal with it. I kept drinking water and cranberry juice.

The time passed slowly and I sat there browsing the stuff in the exam room and Jen doing the same. I got the urge to pee and I headed off to the bathroom with sample tray in hand. I sat down on the potty and amazingly I peeded! It was over 100 CCs and enough of a sample to run a test and culture. I went back to the exam room with a huge sense of relief and big smile on my face. When I opened the exam room door, Jen saw the big smile on my face and pretty much knew what happened. A short time later, nurse ‘A’ came in to see how I was doing. I told her what happened and gave her the sample tray. She gave me a hug with a big smile and said, “congratulations!” She took the sample off to the lab for culture. A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom and did another pee into another sample tray. I produced a similar quantity to the first time and it was another sample off to the lab. Things appeared to working again. I still had the sense that a UTI might be happening, but knowing that they have two samples from me, that should be enough for the lab and my doctor to figure out if there is a problem. The three of us had a little celebration in exam room 3. I got dressed and ready go head home. We were so relieved that things are working again. On our way our of the exam room, my doc was headed down the hall and we chatted for a bit. She was getting ready for a patient so we chatted for a few short moments. I would see her early next week for my post-op appointment. I said goodbye to my doc, nurse ‘A’ and Heidi.

We stopped by Uno Mas restaurant for one of our favorite lunch time meals, roast chicken tacos. It was short trip home from Uno Mas. We came home to some flowers sent to me from my therapist, Cynthia. The note said, “welcome to the rest of your life, Heal Fast!” I changed in something comfy and got into bed to rest and do post op care.

Dr. KRC called me to see how I was doing. I told her all that has happened and she told me what other possible problems to watch for and could come up during this recovery process. A few of the common problems Dr. KRC told me about, failure to completely empty the bladder. If you fail to completely empty your bladder, you find yourself going to the bathroom very often since you are only draining off a bit of what is in the bladder. The other one is urinary tract infection. This one I think we got covered. Dr. KRC told me to call her if ANYTHING comes up that appears to be a problem. She has taken care of post vaginoplasty women before and it is so comforting to have a doctor/ surgeon and friend like Dr. KRC.

I feel so fortunate that we have so many caring health care providers and friends who are doctors that are so willing to help us in times of need and understand our specific health care needs. One of the things to do on my list is to thank all the health care providers that have helped me in so many ways along my journey. I want them to know what they have done for me and the difference they have made in my life. Some of them are trans themselves or have been opened minded enough for me to share what I know combined with their medical training to meet my specific health care needs. This will be a note of thanks from the bottom of my heart. A good health care provider is hard to find and when you do have more than a few in your life a note of appreciation can make a difference in they lives.I also want to THANK all of those who called me to see how I was doing, sent me various gift of caring and love while we at the Greenbaum hotel. There are some things that I felt were not visible in a material way, I felt the spirit of love and caring each and everyone who had me in mind as I traveled this journey. I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. You will always be part of my good memories during our journey to Scottsdale.

What I have shared in this journal is very close to everything I have written in my own journal that I have kept for years. I hope the sharing of my journal has enriched your lives in some way. It’s part of my belief that the sharing of life experiences we have can enrich our lives in their own way.

Day 9, Goodbye Greenbaum

February 10, 2005
Post Op Day 9
Goodbye Greenbaum

I woke up this morning with a reasonable night of sleep. It was a quite evening after such an eventful day. My rash was now improving rapidly and the cough was passing nearly as well. The Meds Dr. Meltzer ordered for me yesterday made a rapid and significant difference in the rash in short time. Breakfast arrived on schedule and Jen arrived a short time after breakfast arrived. We had breakfast together on the small table in my room along with our usual morning chat.

The task at hand now is to get my stuff packed back into my bag and be ready to leave Greenbaum for our room at the Holiday Inn. We took out time packing together. As I was packing my things, I was also thinking of all the memories I will be bringing back with me. For the most part, they will be good and special ones that will always be part of our lives.

I took a shower and did my personal care stuff for the last time in Greenbaum Room 17. Yes, I started out in room16, but the heating and cooling controls in that room got whacky and the room remained too cold for my comfort. The Greenbaum hotel is only a couple years old, but for what ever reason, the heating and cooling in that building has been the number one problem for that building since it was opened. You got to wonder, in this day and age, why something so basic is such a problem in a new building.

I changed into my clothes for the day and we waited for Dr. Meltzer to stop for our last check and visit. Debbie stopped by to see how we were doing and to chat. During out times at Greenbaum, We have gotten to know Debbie as more than a patient’s aid, but as a friend. She is this bubbly happy southern charm. We took a few pictures together and said our goodbyes to each other.

Our last lunch at Greenbaum arrived and we shared the meal together in the quite of my room. It was a over cast day in Scottsdale with the sight of rain expected over the next few days.

Dr. Meltzer arrived and we discussed what needed to be done as I will be traveling home with the Foley catheter in place. It’s a problem, but not the first time this happened. We chatted about his visit to Cal Dreaming and cycling in the south bay. After our chat we gave each a hug goodbye. This hug felt different than any of the hugs before. The hug felt like a loving father saying goodbye to his daughter who is about to head out into the world. This was a hug from Toby I will always remember. He headed off to visit his other patients at Greenbaum.

Jen got all our stuff ready and began moving everything down to the car. We had one last look at room 17, then room 16 and room 11 where Jen stayed for her surgery in October. Each of those rooms and Greenbaum holds many memories for both Jen and I.

We walked up to the nurses station to say we are checking out. Charlotte got my paper work done and she walked us to the elevator. We took the elevator to the ground floor for the last time and we hugged and said our goodbyes just outside the building.

We got into our rented PT curser and we drove a short ways over to the Holiday Inn. Jen unloaded and brought most of my stuff up to our room. The room was strange and familiar all at the same time. I have not been in this room for several days, yet, it was nice to be back in this room where it all began. We looked at all the stuff we needed to bring back home and decided to USPS a box back rather than trying to bring it back in our bags. It was a simple task of bringing what we wanted to ship back to the post office and sending it.

I got in bed to rest for a little while before we headed over to the post office located a short distance away.

Late that afternoon, I got a call from Dr. Becky Allison. She is a cardiologist who transitioned back in the mid 1990’s. She published one of the first TS web pages during the early days of the web. I remember reading her story back during the mid 1990’s when I first began to seriously look into my own gender issues. What I read on her web page as inspirational and comforting in many ways. I did not know she lived in the area until I Cheryl and I were taking about the local T* community. That was when I decided to send Becky a note earlier in the week. Becky called just after we got back from the post office to ask if we would like to have dinner with her later that day. We decided to meet at the Kona Grill in the Fashion five malls. Becky had to stop by home before meeting us for dinner. Becky asked her partner Margaux (also post-op TS) if she would like to join us for dinner. We arrived at the Kona Grill just a before 6 Pm and was wondering if Becky would be able to find us. Becky found us with little trouble; there are very few women with knee length hair. She got my attention with a gentle tap on my shoulder. We greeted each other with a hug and big hello. I introduced her to Jen; unfortunately, Margaux was not feeling well that night and was not able to join us. The Kona Grill was pretty busy that evening and we decided to try another restaurant. Becky led us to a Brazilian restaurant a short distance away. Unfortunately, it has closed since she last been there. It was back to the Kona Grill. This time, Becky got a beeper and it was only a short wait before we got a table. Once we were seated, the conversation began to flow about our history, what our transitions were like, Dr. Meltzer and staff, life in Phoenix her partner and a host of other topics. I asked Becky about her web page and why she kept it up since her transition. She told me that it all began as part of her transition Journal and after her transition in the mid 1990’s she decided it might help those who are in a similar situation. Fact is, the web page never really affected her professional life, it has helped countless other TS women like me and it was a means of communications with those who share similar life stories. Back when she transitioned, it was expected that once you are post vaginoplasty that you disappear into the fabric of society and never reveal your past. It’s similar to a witness protection program where a key witness was give a new identity and asked to move on with their life from there. We both agree this model is not a healthy one, being born TS will always be a core part of who you are and to deny this is similar to hiding in a different closet again. The belief where you disappear into the fabric of society never to be heard from again is based on shame, the social shame of being a TS individual. I’m not going to broadcast my history, but I’m not going to deny who I am if the topic comes up. Dr. Becky Allison continues to be of help and inspiration for many in the trans community. She also mentioned to me there are more TS doctors who transitioned in recent years than one might believe.

It is interesting to note Becky and Margaux is aother TS couple who have been quite bonded for the past 11 years. I suspect the number of T* couples that exist are not small. I know of several T couples and every one of them as quite special in their own way. Like Jen and I, our relationship is based our love for who we are and the physical genitalia between us has far less meaning in our relationship. Most heterosexual relationships are quite centered on the physical sex of male, female, procreation and expected gender roles. In many ways, T couples challenge all of those rules and create a relationship based on far more than just that. No, this does not make T relationships better, but rather unique in their own way.

I believe most individuals who are born heterosexual have their own instinctive / primal drives to find a partner, procreate and do all those things that are considered ‘normal’. The problem occurs when the different instinctive / primal needs collide with each other in society and culture. There is a lot of strong emotions around, “If the way I live and value system works so well for me and makes me happy, they it must be right and work for you and we have written words to justify it.” This is also known as the tyranny of the majority. The measure of humanity within a society depends a lot on how it treats its minorities.

The food was great and the sharing of our lives wonderful. We got back to our room in time for my personal care needs.

The rest of that evening was spent as quite time together. Jen began to process of packing our stuff for our trip home. I got to bed early trying to get a good nights rest knowing we have a long journey ahead of us back home.

Day 8, What It Means to Love

February 9, 2005
Post Op Day 8
What It means to Love

This morning began with my eyes gently opening to the view of an overcasty day in Scottsdale. The weather forecast had predicted rain for this weekend. I rolled my bed up and sat up for a moment for m head to clear from the nights sleep. The time was just after 7:00 AM and I began to think of the events for today.

During my childhood when I was between the ages of 8 – 10 years of age, I had many reoccurring dreams of me being in the hospital and having surgery done on me for something. At the time, I had no idea what those dreams were all about. It did increase my childhood curiosity of things medical and medical stuff related to surgery. I played out my childhood curiosity by reading books and imagination for a while. As I grew older, my curiosity for things medical faded along with the memories of those dreams. Some fragments of those dreams remain with me to this day. Now when I look back upon those dreams, I honestly believe those dreams were to become the story of my trip to Scottsdale and my surgery date with Dr. Meltzer. Strange how some childhood dreams can come true.

Back in the winter of 2000, I requested information regarding vagionplasty with Dr. Meltzer office, he and his staff were based in Oregon at that time. The surgical facility was located at Eastmoreland Hospital. A few short years ago, his practice was literally evicted from Eastmoreland by the hospital’s new owners. It turns out; the new owners from Tennessee had moral issues with the surgeries Dr. Meltzer was performing at that facility, so they wanted him and his staff out, and now. The new owners felt that facility should be performing surgeries and medical services were within their moral judgment of acceptability. Dr. Meltzer and staff had a huge challenge of deal with the all the scheduled surgeries, getting them done, post op care patient care, finding a new home for the practice, and getting the practice grounded again. Their new home turned out to be Scottsdale, AZ. Within a few short years, Eastmorland Hospital had become bankrupt and the entire hospital and everything associated with it went on the auction block. It turns out, Dr. Meltzer’s patients accounted for over 50% of the surgeries performed at that facility. Health care providers who have a significant number of trans patients tend to get tarred with the same stigma, prejudice, ignorance, and etc. trans folks experience during their lives. There are many in the health care profession who look upon proven effective medical treatment for trans folks with significant disapproval.

My breakfast arrive pretty much on cue just like any other morning at the Greenbaum Hotel. I sat up in bed and finished most of my food relaxed in bed. The rash was improving, the sniffles got better, dialiation was Ok, but the tears grew a bit. Thing were looking well so far.

Around 9:00 AM, Cheryl stopped in to give me packet of steroids to help with my rash and remove my foley catheter. We looked at each other and she asked if I was ready, yea, sure.

She raised my bed, lowered the top part of the bed and helped me into position. She asked me if I was ready, I told her, “let’s get on with it.” She defliated the cuff on the catheter and began to slowly remove it. There is a burning sensation as the catheter was removed. I bleed a bit after removal and told me to apply pressure with a towel to stop the bleeding. The bleeding stopped after a short time. Cheryl asked to go try and pee. I drank some water and tried to pee. I dribbled a bit and it seemed OK. She told me to call if there are any problems. I did my morning routine of taking a shower and stuff. I began taking the Prednisone tablets as instructed to help with my rash. Got back into bed and began to catch up on my journal. All the while, I drank water to get the flow going. I got the urge to go, went to the potty, tried and nothing would come out. I was hoping this was a fluke, so went back to bed and got back to what I was doing knowing I will try again later. By now, Jen had arrived and greeted me with a kiss and a hug. I told her what has been happening so far with the pee problem, Jen knew I was worried. She told me not to worry and things will work out OK, if you wind up going home with the Foley catheter in place we can deal with it. I told Jen, “It won’t be the first time, Trisha had something similar happen to her and so did Gwen.” Things were getting pretty bad, all the instincts were there, but nothing would come out of me each time I tried to pee. I started to get desperate called the one of the nurses. Rita came and told me that they would call Dr. Meltzer’s office for instructions. The instructions from Dr. Meltzer’s office were to go ahead and put in the catheter and see what happened. So Rita, Nancy got a Foley kit and began the process of putting a catheter back in me. Not having drained me for the past several hours has not been an easy to deal with. I lay back on the bed and the process began. The amount of pain involved with this process is not small. Jen held my hand as I winced during this process. Much to our amazement, nothing came out of me after they inserted the Foley. They tried reinserting the Foley two more times and flushing it once to see if a blood clot was causing the blockage, but nothing. There was more than once when I screamed from the intensity of the pain as Jen held me. The amount of pain involved is not small, during my years as a bicycle racer, bike races can easily push your entire body into a state of pain and suffering that is intense enough to where all you can do is use your mind to focus, concentrate and block out how much your body is hurting. Unless you have engaged in a high level of competitive sports, this experience hard to relate to by the weekend warrior. The level of pain involved took nearly every bit of my experience as a competitive athlete and emotional toughness to stay the course. After all of this, I was asked to try one more time pee in the potty. I got out of bed with Jen’s help. She held and walked me to the bathroom where I tried to pee again, but nothing would come out. It was at that moment that I had an emotional break down, and began to cry uncontrollably, Jen held me as this was happening and I know it not for her being there it would have made that moment in my life far more difficult. My mind was reeling for a while as I struggled to regain control of myself. Several minutes passed and so did one of the most trying moments of my life. I got myself back together and Jen helped me back to bed. Several of the nursing staff was ready to try and inserting the catheter again, I knew it was a none option, I had to relieve myself some way since several hours had passed since I peeded. It was only a few moments after I got back in bed when Cheryl appeared with an extremely concerned look on her face. She came over to me and said, “Bernice, We got to get this done.” We both knew it and I got ready to try again. Jen held me as the process began again. This time, Cheryl got the catheter in place within moments and the relief was amazing. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Cheryl’s face. “You have been to Hell and Back, Don’t worry, it’s going to be OK now.” I smiled back at Cheryl and thanked her. It turns out, the catheter was inserted into the wrong place on my surgical site and that is why nothing came out of me on the first try. The nursing staff quickly got everything cleaned up in my room and everything was quite again. While all this was happening some of you might be wondering, where was Dr. Meltzer while all this was happening? He was in the building, the problem, he was already in the operating room working on a patient. It was a moment of bad timing when this happened to me. Jen and I had lunch after I had a chance to recover from all that had happened. We spent the rest of that afternoon together and me trying to rest and mentally process all that had happened. I noticed a yellow envelop sitting on the table and asked Jen to bring it over so we could find out what was in it. I opened the envelope and pulled out what appers to be a dark blue folder and opened it. The folder held a certificate stating that I had undergone Gender Reassigment Surgery on February 1, 2005 and three yellow colored certrified letters stating the same. It looked just like a graduation diploma. That certificate was something of a surprise to me and looking at it made me smile. This must be something new that Dr. Meltzer’s office is doing since none of previous Dr. Meltzer patients I knew had one. I asked if Jen would like one, “yes, it would be nice.” Jen replied. I had already done most all of my legal sex designator change back in 2001-2002 with a letter from Dr. Brownstein. My new set of legal paper work still feels nice.

Later that afternoon, Dr. Meltzer came in to see how I was doing. Our conversation focused on what happened to me today and what needs to be done now. We discussed everything in depth and worked out a plan. I’m going home with the catheter in place and early next week it’s going to come out with the aid from one of my health care providers. If not, Jen or I will get to remove it with help from Janet or Cheryl via the phone. I got sent home with what ever we ne eded to deal with this when we get back home. Our conversation moved on to other topics including a visit Cal Dreaming in April. With all of the events settled, he went on to visit his next patient.

Dinner came and went right on schedule. I told Jen at that I wanted to get to bed early after such an eventful day. We both knew tomorrow would be my last day at the Greenbaum hotel and it would be good to get some packing done if possible. I got out of bed and we began to gather up my stuff and ready to pack in my bags. We hugged and said a loving good night to each other. Jen traveled back to the Holiday Inn for the rest of the evening. I got back in bed and went to sleep early. I was simply drained and tired from all that happened today.

It would be so easy to do the blame game for what happened to me to on this day, but I’m not even going to even begin to go there. Yes, mistakes were made, but no real harm was done and to error is being human. I hope all involved learned something from the experience and it time for all involved to move on with the process and our lives.

Day 7, A Calm Before the Storm

February 8, 2005
Post Op Day 7
A Calm Before The Storm

It was such a restless night yesterday that I spent most of the day in bed trying to get some rest and recovery for the rash, cough, and dilating.

Debbie came by yesterday with a box of chocolates; it was a present to me from her present beau, Rocky an honestly charming HUNK! He came in with Debbie to visit us and wanted to get us something from their trip to Walgreen’s for another patient. I told him, “Just the visit from you and Debbie is great.” I guess, he just had to have his way and gave us a box of chocolates.

Debbie and Rocky has in interesting history, they met at a garage sale haggling over a CD of all things. During the process of haggling, they connected on another level and have been together every since, that was a short time ago.

It is interesting to note, that more than just Debbie on Dr. Meltzer’s staff has asked potential dates / partners how they felt about trans / intersex folks. What they have told me is, this is one of those questions that can be very reveling about the individual when they answer. When a trans or intersex individual goes thru the process of transition, many individuals near and around them are effected. My own experience with this taught me a lot about many individuals who claimed to be “family” or friends who cared about me. What did I learn during this process? They appear to care on the outside, but how they really felt was concealed by their façade of acceptance, and when the truth of how they really felt became evident, they quickly began to put serious distance in our relationship. You can’t help but wonder if reveling the bare honest truth of who you really are is such a mirror of truth that they are not ready to deal with bare honesty. It’s also telling of how judgmental, ignorant, intolerant individuals can be. When Rocky visited us on Sunday, I asked him about trans folks, as I watched his face and eyes for his reply, “You simply got be who you are.” I can tell from his face, this was an honest reply. I’m so happy for Debbie to have finally found love one in her life after spending over twenty years in a less than happy marriage with children. I gave Debbie a goodbye hug then thanked her for the box of chocolates and asked her to thank Rocky for the gift.

I rolled the bed back and took a nap to try and recover some lost rest from the events of yesterday.

Cheryl stopped by and gave me a gentle wake up nudge to see how I was doing. Other than dealing with the itchy rash that was finally getting better, the coughing and sneezes that was also passing, and the developing slight surface suture tears down stairs, things were OK. She dropped of a tube of Benadryl anti itch cream and #5 dilator for Jen. That thing appears to me as a huge and scary hunk of plastic to me, quite suitable as a self defense weapon. I mentioned to Cheryl that I had a multi orgasm as I was trying to apply Bacitracin to cover my exposed clitoris. Some of those who are reading this might be thinking, OH!!! GOODIEE!! I was so darn tired yesterday night from everything that happened, that was something I simply did not need. It made me more tired and drained from expending all that unnecessary energy. The only good thing about what happened is knowing the anatomy works. Cheryl told me I was ready for this surgery. I told her I have been struggling for years to get this done. Over the years since my orchiectomy, I have developed what is considered a female orgasm. Yes, it is very different than the male ones and they feel correct to me. I honestly believe my brain was born with a significant female template but was suppressed by physical, hormonal and social factors. Once these constraints were removed over time, everything began to grow together in harmony and vaginoplasty is one of the last parts of the physical congruence growth process. Cheryl asked me if I needed anything and I told her no.

My breakfast arrived shortly after Cheryl left my room. I carefully got out of bed and took a shower. There is something about taking a shower that always feels great. I finally felt good enough to take care of various little personal care things like shaping my eyebrows for the first time in many days. I took a walk around the halls and spent a bit of time to share company and time with my neighbor.

I put on my bathrobe and got back in bed to have breakfast and listen to some music. I was still not energetic enough to write and felt it was better to wait until a later time to put my self into words.

Jen arrived just before 11:00AM, I told her I had ordered a few breakfast items for her. The yogurt parfait with fresh fruit and granola has become one of our favorite items. The first time Jen tried it, she liked, so I ordered on and like it too. This is a simple item to make and something we will try to make when we are back at home.

Jen and I sat around to chat about stuff for a while. We watched a few Sponge Bob DVDs before Jen went out for her afternoon walk in Scottsdale. With a hug and a kiss, Jen was off to do her daily exercise walk.

Dr. Meltzer stopped by to see how I was doing. He asked me how the dilatations were going. I told him dilating is just not a problem. But the rash and other stuff was really getting to me. He did an exam on my rash and my surgical site. Dr. Meltzer told me that he will order some oral steroids to help clear the rash and while I was tearing some surface sutures and spotting from this, don’t worry about it. It is more important to stay the course of dilatation and your body will deal with the suture tears in short time. I also told him about my multi orgasm yesterday night. He told me, “Don’t tell every body about that.” We shared a laugh together over what happened to me yesterday night. He was off to the operating room to care for his case of the day.

The lunch menu arrives and I ordered a cheeseburger with chips for Jen and I got the fried chicken, fruit salad, chocolate cookie and ice tea. It seems like my body is consuming far more calories than usual. There is the feeling my body is working over time to put itself back together. This means lots of food in and lots of stuff out. The stool softener is a good thing as it helps to prevents excessive effort to get the potty work done.

Jen arrives back from her walk after lunch arrived. I waited for Jen to be back so we can have lunch together.

The rest of my day was spent resting, listening to music, that chore of dilating and taking a few walks around the halls. We watched some TV together and I had a chance to watch one of my favorite Lorenna McKennitt videos, No journey’s end.

The dinner menu came and went along with our dinner.

It was now early evening and time for Jen to return back to the Holiday Inn. I wanted to get to bed early and be ready for removal of the Foley catheter. All I can do is hope that I can pee once the Foley has been removed and not required to reinstall it. If I can’t pee, it means that there is too much swelling for the urethra to function, a clot along the way causing a blockage or lack of urge due to emotional factors.

I said good bye to Jen with a hug and kiss good night before she went on her way back to the Holiday Inn.

Liz was my nurse for the night, she came into my room to take my vitals and see if I needed anything before going to bed. I asked her for some Ambien, I wanted to be as rested as possible for tomorrow. When Liz returned, she had my night time meds in hand and some Ambien. I did my last dilatation for the day and got ready for bed.

I got in bed and sat for a moment thinking about all that has happened in my life’s journey so far. I thought about the gifts, thoughts of love and caring those have shared with me while I here in the Greenbaum hotel, I thought about the little gifts that were sent to me. All these things made me feel so many individuals are with me in soul and spirit as I continue the recovery process. I thought about all the individuals who affected the course of my life during my time here on this world. I was flooded with a torrent of emotions as I was thinking of what my life has been and where it is today. That torrent of emotions caused a wave of tears from my eyes. I’m so thankful to be able to take pleasure in what appears to be mundane and simple events of the day and have those who care enough about me share to their life with me in various ways. It seems when two individuals meet, spirits either connect or repel and the meeting tends to affect our course in life. In this way, I feel humanity is connected in various ways. It’s like a web of spirits all connected, but the distance of the connections appears to be the difference that keeps some of us apart. In the overall sphere of humanity, I believe we are all part of the human family struggling to hold the sphere together, but not really knowing how.

I connected myself to the Foley bag, lowered the bed, took the Ambien with some water and went off to dream land. What tomorrow brings will be fate.

Day 6, Packing out, the Rash Cough & Sneeze, A visitor

February 7, 2005
Post Op Day 6
Packing out, the Rash Cough & Sneeze, A visitor

It all started out as a quite morning with a call from Cheryl from Dr. Meltzer’s office. She said, “I’m on my way over to remove your packing and begin dilation. Jen has not arrived from the hotel yet and I still wanted to get some more rest, so Cheryl did this with my neighbor and I waited until the afternoon. I had began to break out in a rash due to some drug allergy, we were not certain what it was, so we dropped just about everything I have been taking, a COX-2 inhibitor (anti inflammatory, pain relief) oral antibiotics, stool softener. We dropped the COX-2 inhibitor, antibiotics and stayed on the other two. But the rash was still growing and getting itchy. This was aggravated by me catching the sniffles sneezing and coughing along with being a bed more than I should.

I had breakfast by the window enjoying the flowers and blue Scottsdale sky. Jen arrived at just a bit after 10:30 AM. We sat around the little table to chat for a while.

My friend Dr. Lauren flew in from LA on Friday with the intention to visit us while we were at the Greenbaum hotel, but she came down with the sniffles and a severe back ache. She had spent the past few days in her hotel room recovering from this and today she was finally feeling good enough to come by to visit. She also wanted to make sure she was not going to pass on her sniffles to me which can slow my recovery. Dr. Lauren arrived in my room at just before noon while Jen and I were having lunch together. Dr. Lauren is a dentist from LA also TS, that I have know for several years and the four of us (including our surgeon friend Dr. KRC). The four of us has taken many trips together and we had planned to all meet here in Scottsdale, but Dr. KRC was not able to make it.

Cheryl arrived in my room around 12:30 PM with my set of dilators, a small douche kit, some special soap, and care instruction sheet.

We had Cheryl, Jen, Dr. Lauren and me in the room for my grand opening. Before we began we got into a discussion of penetration (sex) for most genetic females not being an experience they are usually I control of. Most women lose their virginity to a male during the first time and never really have a chance to learn about their bodies and what it feels like to be penetrated by a man before that. I have despise the way some men in many societies treated women and their female bodies as nothing more than a baby machines and their servants for their pleasure and only there to meet their needs, both physical and emotional. I do consider myself a Feminist, but not like any of the extreme radical feminist on like Janice Raymond (wrote “The Transsexual Empire” More here; http://www.transhistory.org/history/TH_Janice_Raymond.html) variety.

Women should have total ownership of their bodies and what they wish to do with them is by their choice, not dictated by someone else.

Cheryl and I had a few more words regarding these women’s issues before my un-packing got underway.

I rolled the sheets back and Cheryl lowered the top portion of the bed and raised it to a good working level. She opened the suture removal kit. Jen was at one corner of the room taking pictures and Dr. Lauren was sitting near by enough to watch.

It stung with sharp pain as the sutures holding my labia were removed (I stopped even my pain meds in an effort to try and figure out what was causing my rash, so I did this with no help from any meds). After a few moments, all the sutures were out. Cheryl looked at me for a moment once this was done. We stopped for just a moment before the packing from my vagina was removed, or un-wound. This is one of the things every post-op woman talks about. The feeling is unlike anything in ones daily experience. Cheryl picked up the open end of the packing and began to gently tug on the packing. This felt like a moving, but decreasing diameter bowel movement. The packing felt like went on for a very long time. As the packing was nearly completely removed, I felt like involuntary bowel movement was going to happen, but it did not. That was one of the most unusual feelings and experiences I have ever had. Once the packing was out, I took a moment to rest before she does a pelvic exam to make sure my new vagina does not have any problems going to the next step of dilatation.

We took a moment to do a female anatomy lesson; it was also the first time I got to see what my new parts look like with a mirror in hand. While everything was still very swollen, bruised and traumatized. All the basics were there. I was pretty amazed with what I saw; it left me with a smile.

Cheryl put on a new glove while I lay back on the bed to relax. She coated her gloved hand with Surgi Lube and slowly inserted her fingers into my vagina checking for problems. Once this was done and cleared for dilatation, we began. Cheryl got out the #1 dilator. These are hard clear plastic stents with a slight curve near the tip of the stent designed to clear the pubic bone. She coated the stent with Surgi lube and began the dilatation by putting her gloved and lubricated finger in my vagina to get the stent started. Knowing how muscles work and me having some degree of PC muscle control, I gave a PC muscle a big squeeze, held it for a few moments then let go so that muscle would be relaxed enough for the stent to enter. Cheryl held my hand in hers as we proceeded to insert the stent into my vagina. There was definitely resistance from the PC muscle, it hurt a bit and that pain wants to make you contract that muscle. I knew if I contracted that PC muscle, that we would never get that stent in. So, I did what I could to relax that PC muscle instead. Within a few moments, that stent was sliding into my vagina with out too much effort. I got just a bit over 6 inches of depth, in the neo vagina world, that is more than fine. We slowly removed the stent and Cheryl wanted me to do a dilatation on my own. I looked at her, “sure.” I have watched Jen do this countless times since October. The only real difference this time was the tip of the stent is coated with a ring of Bacitracin, an antibiotic cream and the remaining length of the stent is coated with surgi lube. Cheryl prepared the stent for me and I put the stent in my hand, “now, you do it.” Easy enough, I put some surgi lube on the tip of my finger and used the hand mirror to locate the entrance of my vagina by sight and feel, once I located the opening, I gave the PC muscle a big squeeze and let go so it would relax. I took that stent and gently inserted it into my vagina. There was the usual pain upon entry, but I knew to relax and once that was done, the sent went in the full length. Cheryl smiled at me.

For those who are reading this and might think or get any notion that this is sexually fun or exciting, it’s not. At times it can be painful and not the most comfortable thing to do to yourself, but it’s part of the self maintained all post vaginoplasty women deal with. You get to do this 5 times a day for at least 15 minutes, 3-5 hours apart for the first day, and then it becomes less as your body learns to take care of what has been surgically created. The size of the stent is increased as time passes with daily dilatation to enlarge the vagina. A #1 stent is one inch in diameter and#5 is just under two inched in diameter. If you don’t dilate, you risk losing your neo vagina due to shrinkage.

I quickly got a lesson and appreciation of what it means to a woman when she is being penetrated by a man and many of the emotions and feelings associated with this. This was all a very woman to woman experience.

One of the most interesting experiences I have ever had was during the time when I would hold Jen’s hand as she did this at the Greenbaum hotel, I could feel what she was experiencing and feeling as she dilated. It was as if we were connected in some special way. What I found amazing, during my own dilatations, the feelings and sensations were nearly identical to what I felt when I held Jen’s hand. It still happens to this day.

Over the past few days post op, it was as if someone flipped a switch in my brain to, “now you have a female body, and all the connections are right.” That is pretty much how I feel now after today’s experience. It just all feels so right now and what I was born with is very rapidly becoming a faded forgotten memory. There had been research into the science of brain mapping, this is where your brain has a map of your body to help it locate where things are, like hand, fingers, leg, eye, etc. This map is what the brain uses to help it interact with the body. Now you would think having my male genitals totally reconfigured would require some time for this brain map to reconfigure. It did not; the connection was nearly instant like if this is what my genitals should have always been since I was born. I wish more scientific studied were done on this topic.

With the grand opening and first dilatations done, Cheryl packed up her stuff and we got the room cleaned up. Dr. Lauren, Jen and I decided to have an early dinner at Oregano's pizza across the street. We have a ½ chicken pesto, ½ veggie, and extra thin crust. The Pizza a great and we took a short drive around Old Scottsdale before heading back to the Greenbaum hotel. It was time for me to dilate (have a date as I would say to Jen).

We missed Dr. Meltzer today as we were all out for a meal. When I got back to my room, I did my post-op chore of dilating at the specific times. But my coughs, sneezes and rash were getting worst. I have been given some Hydrocortisone cream to help with the itching from my rash and applied some just before going to bed and getting ready for the only time I dilate at 3 AM. I got two hours of sleep before I had to get out of bed from the itching rash. I was quite tired from all the events of the day. I knew scratching would make it worst, so I hopped into the shower and washed up. Then put on my bath robe and went to the nurses station for some Bendryl. I took two and that helped a bit, but not enough to completely control the itching complexly. I got my last dilatation done and tried to go back to sleep without success.

The next morning I was tired and that rash was getting worst and the cough and sneeze was all stressing me out and making me quite tired. Too tired to do any writing, all I was really able to do is deal with the itching rash and dilation.

Nici Day 5

February 6, 2005
Post Op Day 5
Quite, Relaxed and Basically Uneventful

I Slept pretty well yesterday night with the help of a few Ambien. It was not until just a bit after 7:00AM before I really got going. I have not been feeling that well since yesterday, I’m running a slight temperature this morning so, I’m planning to do a moderate amount of walking around and not over do anything. I went over to the chair by the window and looked out into old Scottsdale town and all the various vintage buildings everywhere in the light of the morning sun and began thinking about all the events in my life that has brought me here. It’s been a long and amazing journey for me with so many individuals who have been part of this journey that have helped me along the way. Several years ago a small group of us spent a lot of time together on an email group list helping each other figure out our gender issues. There was a time when we as a group were so close and helpful to each other, it was a family. I will always remember those individuals who made such a difference in our lives during such a difficult time. While the group has pretty much faded into our past, the connections and experiences are still in our memories. Nearly everyone from that group has moved on with their lives and has found inner peace and a place for herself. I decided to contact a few of our old list members to share my Scottsdale journey with them. How do you thank those how have help you thru one of the most difficult times of my life, when family, friends and those whom you believed loved and cared about you have turned their back on you and walked away when you needed them most. The most amazing discovery I made during that time, was there are those who honestly care and are willing to help me during a time when I needed emotional support most. It is most amazing to me to find love does exist and where it came from. I will be forever grateful to all of those who opened up their hearts to me in my time of greatest need.

My breakfast arrived after I took a few solo laps around the halls of the Greenbaum hotel. I spent a few moments on the small patio located outside the two glass doors near the waiting area. As I looked out towards the main Scottsdale hospital and the streets below, I began to wonder what the future holds for Jen and me.

I stopped by my neighbors room who was Dr. Meltzer’s morning VAG patient. Her name is S*, she is from New York and like me, has been struggling with her gender issues for most of her life. Her brother mortgaged his house to help her pay for the cost of this surgery. His brother suffers from HIV and recently hurt his back they are both so worried that if he loses his job, he could lose his home over this. So, they are both under a lot of stress dealing with this.

As she was telling me her story, I began to think of the cost of this surgery and what Dr. Meltzer has done to keep this as affordable for those who honestly require this procedure. This topic came up in an email from one of my TS sisters. I’m going to copy that email and change the identities rather than write the same thing again.

~~Your writings give me a renewed sense of gratefulness and appreciation for all that have made it possible for me (and TS’s collectively) be able to achieve the congruency that others take for granted.

*That is so true, others take what appears to be so basic and simple for granted so easily. For many of us, what appears to be such a simple thing can become a life or death struggle that has affected nearly ever aspect of or lives since the day we where born. Surgery is only part of what I consider rehabilitation, the more important thing is what we do with our lives when we are done with this. Can we honestly move on and make our contribution to the good of humanity and use all that we learned along the way to make a difference in our lives and the lives of others.

A big part is Dr. Meltzer and staff. One time when discussing xx decision on GRS surgeons she mentioned that Dr. Meltzer’s prices were excessive. The implication was that he took advantage of our needs and was money hungry. Wow… did my defenses kick in. The more I’ve interacted and learned about Dr. M, xx’s statement couldn’t be further from the truth. With his talent and bedside manner, he could make a ton of money if this was important to him… but it is not. For others to have the perception of him being money, hungry, upsets me. Oh well, I guess those of us that get to know him and his business can see and feel the truth, so at least that’s a consolation.

*Wow! You want to talk about pushing my buttons..

* I think I know Dr. Toby Meltzer a bit better and a bit closer than most of his other patients. I have spent time and more than one dinner at Ernesto's with his uncle who had a HUGE influence on Toby's interest as a doctor and surgeon. It took Toby a few years to decide this was his calling and with the surgical skills, training, and experience he has, it would be very easy for him to be doing something else. Believe me, it's not the money from this practice that keeps him doing this, he honestly has an interest for the well being of his patients and it's the humanity he cares about. I know and believe to be true with all my heart, it's based on everything not related to his practice in Scottsdale, but members of Toby's family that I have met.

*Toby has not increased his cost for this procedure for many years, He knows that many of his patients are struggling so hard to afford this procedure and he does all he can to keep the cost of this procedure as low as possible while maintaining a level of care he considers acceptable. If you look at your billing and cost break down, you will discover most of the cost is in the Scottsdale health care unit, not Toby.

*My long time, now semi retired surgeon friend has spent a lot of time with Toby, thinks very highly of Toby's skills as a surgeon and attitude towards his patients. She does not feel this way about many other surgeons who perform this specific procedure. She was at a presentation with Dr. S__ a few years ago and she was very critical of what he spoke about and challenged him more than once during his presentation on what he was doing surgically. It's difficult to fool a surgeon who has been practicing general and emergency surgery for over 30 years. Dr. KRC was an encounter Dr. S__ remembers well.

*In the long run, I would choose the most experienced and best facility and staff for this procedure. What you might save in the short run is really so insignificant in the over the course of your lifetime. Even my primary care doc. that sees post-ops each and every day like Toby's work best. I think that says a whole lot and more than enough for me.

*I do not know of one Meltzer girl who has any regrets. I know a lot of Meltzer girls recent and many years post op that share this opinion.

*I don't think the trans and Intersex community knows or really appreciated how lucky we are to have Toby as a doctor, surgeon, and humanitarian to take care of us.

Dr. Stanley Biber one of the most well know VAG surgeons of Trinity Colorado (he has done near 6000 VAG surgeries before being forced to retire due to insurance), now retired. He has shared his years of experience doing this procedure with a few other surgeons. What he said is required for a doctor and surgeon to be competent and successful at doing this specific procedure is, proper surgical skills, proper training and most of all, heart and caring for your patients. When I think about the attitude of the health care education system and profession regarding the specific health care needs of those who are born trans or intersex, I’m totally appalled. This is current reality to this very day. My ob/gyn at Kaiser told me she had no training or education regarding the specific health care needs of those who are born transsexual during her medical school training. But, there was something different about her, she was willing to learn and work with me on my specific health care needs. Over the next few years, she would do what was within her ability and limits of the KP health care system to get my health care needs met. She was one of the few KP doctors I have met over the years that I felt good about.

I returned to my room and had breakfast near my room’s window and had a chance to enjoy the morning sun beaming into my room. I was not feeling all that well this morning and was running a very slight temperature. Julie, my nurse for today came in to change my bed and take my vitals. I was running a temperature of just over 99 degrees. Julie said not to worry about, you body has been thru a lot. She went back to the nurse’s station and returned with two Tylenol along with my other daily meds. Down went the pills with gulp pf water. I sat at the table near the window waiting for Jen to arrive. I was still coughing a sneezing a bit this morning ad not feeling all that great, so I decided to keep today rather low stress. Coughing or sneezing hurts, your whole bottom already feels tight with all the sutures in place, but when you add coughing or sneezing, it adds to the sense of tightness and hurts a bit.

Jen arrived at just before noon, we gave each other a hug and kiss. During this embrace, I ask Jen if you realize what you have done for me. Jen, I can’t really get inside your head, I could never really know what you are feeling, but I did what I could for you. That resulted in another emotional moment before we sat down to chat for a while before going out for a walk in the halls of Greenbaum.

We did a few laps around the halls and I got back in bed to rest and ice pack the surgical area. When you go out for a walk, it traumatizes the area and you get increased bruising and swelling. So, most of us tend to ice pack the area after any significant activity. This helps to reduce the swelling helps that area feel better. I took a short nap and when I woke up, I felt my slight fever was passing and rested from the earlier activity.

Sundays at the Greenbaum hotel are amazingly quite. There were two patients here on Sunday, Me and neighbor, S. There were two nurses on duty, Julie and Charlotte, and house keeper Ana.

I called Barbara on the phone to chat for a little bit. She told me that the book on lives transfolk is nearly done, it’s down to the last 4 chapters but David has not been feeling well these past few days. She hopes the last 4 chapters can be done before March. Later that day, she emailed me part of the unedited draft of the first few pages from the book. It was the intro and the Story of JoAnne Ketley and Clarence. JoAnne is in charge of the UCSF study program of HIV in transgender women, primarily sex workers who have been abandoned by friends and family. We have known each other for a number of years and we have shared out stories over time. Knowing JoAnne’s story is one thing, reading her story in the book was something quite different. I sent an email back to Barbara telling her I like the story, Jen liked the story too. I’m getting excited to read the book when it’s finally published.

Jen went out and found some freshly roasted Kenya AA coffee beans from The Coffee Bean in Scottsdale and she made some coffee with those beans. The coffee was good, this was far easier than bringing our own coffee beans like what we did during our trip here in October 2004.

After enjoying our coffee, I took a shower and washed my hair for the first time in days. I had washed my hair the day before surgery with a lot conditioner knowing it will be a while before I have the chance to wash my hair again. The extra conditioner and braiding of my hair for the first few days when I was here worked out just fine. Finally being able to wash my hair and taking another shower really felt good.

We went for another walk around the hall just before lunch arrived. Our lunch plates arrived shortly after we returned from our walk and we had lunch together on the little table in front of the window. Along the way, I shared the copy from Barbara’s book with Julie and Charlotte. They were both touched by what was written. I shared some pictures of Jen and I from time when Jen had surgery. All those pictures brought back memories for all of us.

The rest of the day was pretty relaxed; I was still dealing with a slight bit of fever (slightly over 99 degrees) , so we decided to stay in Greenbaum for the rest of the day until was feeling better.

I spent most of the afternoon resting in bed, while Jen went out for a walk. Jen has been spending most of here days here walking and discovering new places in Scottsdale when she is not with me at Greenbaum.

Dr. Meltzer stopped by mid afternoon while I was taking a light nap. He appeared with his scrubs and bike clothes underneath. He was in to check on how I was doing. Another quick exam of the surgical area, all appeared to be OK. I told him I was running a slight fever, and he said, “not to worry. This should pass soon.” We started another conversation about cycling. He mentioned one day he would like to get a bike that is made to measure. I told him, bike fit is the most important thing when it comes to bicycles. Jen and I both own a Serotta Legend Ti with Campy Record 10 speed grouppo. They are specifically fitted to our size and we have done a extensive bike fit with Dr. Max Testa at UC Davis center for sports medicine. This was done during our bicycle racing days when every slight advantage can make a difference. That was one of the best things we have ever done for our cycling. I referred a friend who was new to cycling to go there and get fitted for a bike before going out to shop for a bike. He and his wife both got fitted there and knew what to look for when they went bike shopping. The bike fit also helped to correct a knee pain him wife has been experiencing while riding. To make a long story short, I suggested to Dr. Meltzer to consider a Serotta if he wanted a made to measure bike frame. We both agreed Campy was the way to go for durability and functionality.

This was also Super bowl Sunday, I have no interest in football, but Jen does. So Jen spent the rest of the day watching the game while I rested. We had dinner during this time and when the game was over, I decided to go to bed early.

Tomorrow is my “grand opening” or the day when my vaginal packing comes out and dilation begins. It’s going to be an interesting day.

Nici Day 4

February 5, 2005
Post Op Day 4
Went Outside to Watch The Parade On Scottsdale Road and more activity.

Since I have not been sleeping all that well here over the past few nights, I decided to try Ambien, one of the optional pre-ordered meds for his patients. I really need to get some honest sleep and rest. I had Rebecca my nurse for the evening to bring me a few. I took them just after Jen went back to the hotel when I was ready to go to bed for the evening. They work, I actually got a reasonable nights rest for the first time in days. I got out of bed at just before 8:00 AM, went to the bathroom, did my morning stuff and took a shower. I got a chance to make a few phone calls to friends and family to chat. I was on the phone with my sister in law, Nancy and I got a chance to tell her a bit more of the realities of this procedure. No, it’s not cosmetic. What you end up with is basically a quite functional female anatomy with most all of the same basic anatomy and problems as a genetic female. I believe many individuals who don’t know the facts or understand what this procedure really is. This has perpertuated many mis-conceptions of what really happens. No, it’s by no means perfect, but as good as current medical technology and physiological limits will allow.

She also was concerned with the amount of pain involved with this procedure, I told her it’s less painful than you might believe, but for me, the emotional pain and suffering I have endured over the years have greatly exceed any pain I experienced during any part of this procedure. My reply to her question surprised her. I asked her if my brother has been reading my journal, yes, and he said, “you asked for it.” Regarding the topic of pain related to this procedure. It’s no wonder I don’t talk to him much any more or have any incentive to do so. He just can’t appear to see the world from another’s life perspective (empathy is one of the keys to learning how to Love those around you) and kind of typical of a lot of individuals regarding the topic of those who are born this way. So much for some of my family members..

I got this Poem from Barbara, a friend who is a painter and writer;

A little o box made of gold,
Challenges what to put inside,
A gift for you.

A seashell, maybe
So you can hear the ocean?
Or a rock I find by the edge of the sea?
A bird, maybe.

My friend Bernice
Is my gift.
Of inspiration,
A woman who roams by the sea,
Jet hair floats in the wind.
Beauty, and grace Sway
Birds and sea lions from rocks.

Then I see a drawing in the air,
Made of clouds,
Circled into friendship
To wear forever.

Love, Barbara

Jen called to tell me she would be by later that morning and asked if I wanted to go down stairs to watch the parade on Scottsdale Road. Sure, I have not gone for a walk today and it would be nice to go out in the warm sunny day. When Jen arrived, I was dressed and ready to go. Today was the first time I got to unbraid my long hair and let it down, that felt really nice. We took the elevator down stairs and walked over to Scottsdale Road. The parade ran on the street in front of Greenbaum. Jen and I stood there watching the horses and various western groups go by. It felt so good to be outside in the sun after being indoors for so many days.

We headed back to my room after spending some time watching the parade. I still get tired easy and I’m not willing to do more than I’m comfortable with. It’s better to do more short outings than a single long one. I remember once when I got home from work when Jen was just a few weeks post-op and saw her laying on the couch rather tired, I asked her, “OK what did you do?”
Jen, “I went out for a 2 hour walk to downtown and over did it.” A tongue lashing instilled and I forbid her to do this again. You really need to learn how to listen to your body as you recover. As well as thing have gone, this is major surgery and should be given all due consideration of what this really is. Back in our room, we had lunch together before Jen headed back to the Holiday Inn. She went out to look for some coffee, good fresh roasted coffee. Since we got into the home roasted coffee thing, we have both gotten pretty spoiled by good coffee and it’s always a challenge to find honestly good coffee. I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment regarding Starbucks Coffee. I honestly believe they are addicting their customers on sugar and the high caffeine content of their coffee. It’s kind of similar to what other manufactures of addictive products have done in the present and past.

Toby stopped by to see how I was doing today. He usually pedals his bike on the weekends and stops by Greenbaum on his way home. When he comes in to visit his patients on the weekends, he usually has his scrubs on since he changes from his bike clothes before visiting patients. Today was an exception, he had on casual stuff. I asked him if he went out for a bike ride and sure enough, he did. He went out on a bike route that was a route another one of his patient shared with him a short while ago. Yes, they pedaled this route together. Cycling is one of Toby’s great joys and Scottsdale is a wonderful place to do this. When we came here in October 2004, I brought my bike and it is one of the most beautiful places I have pedaled. I asked him if he has talked to his uncle recently and he said no. I told him according to Jeanne, his uncle has become kind of a recluse and is now rather private. We spent a few moments sharing memories of his uncle and dinner and food at Ernesto’s. It’s a small world.

It’s hard to describe the sense of inner peace I have been experiencing these past few days. Many of my TS sisters have told me of this over the years, but like a lot of things in life you really don’t know what it’s like until you are there. I honestly believe you really can begin to forget what was and just enjoy who you are in the present. It just gets me angry at quacks like John Money, Paul Mc Hugh who is currently on the current Bush administration’s bio-ethics committee that continues to believe this form of treatment is totally unnecessary and harmful. It is due to their published papers and faulty theories that have caused untold suffering among individuals who are born trans or intersex. It was Dr. Harry Benjamin who figured out what worked well as a proven effective rehabilitative treatment. His treatment model is still pretty much what is used to this day. It’s interesting to note, that this treatment model works equally well on individuals born intersex.

For those who are adventurous, not squeamish and curious, my little sister wrote about her experience here with Dr. Meltzer in July 2004 (yes, we visited her here in July 2004) and posted it on her web page;
http://www.sianna.com/users/amber/srs-all.html?

And yes, there are photos of the actual procedure from 1998,
http://www.annelawrence.com/meltzersrs01.html

And photos of some typical results;
http://www.annelawrence.com/meltzer0100.html

Enjoy…

I spoke to a friend this morning that was born intersex, her parents decided their child should be a boy and had genital surgery done when she was an infant. Boys are highly valued in Asian society and her folks were no exception. Well, that fix did not stick and even when she was going to shoot herself with a gun in front of her father and family years ago, he would ignore what happened and still wanted a boy regardless of how much suffering she had to endure. Years later, she became a Meltzer girl and to this day, her father continues to ignores her or acknowledges who she really is. So much for loving parents, sometimes I believe some parents only want what they believe their children should be according to them, not supporting and helping to become who they really are. I bring this up since I’m also a parent and find this kind of parenting appalling and inhumane. So if you want to destroy your children’s lives, simply take control of them and try and make them what you want them to be. She is now very happily married to a wonderful guy and they have a great life together. I bring this up as an example of so many of us who find true happiness years after the process of transition. For many of us, the challenge is, can we become who we were meant to be and enjoy all that life has to offer and contribute positive things to the society we live in each day if we were not born trans or intersex.
Jen arrived later this afternoon and we took another walk out to old Scottsdale. We got almost to the edge of old Scottsdale town before heading back. The weather has been sunny and wonderful these past few days. Just warm sun and no wind to speak of. That walk felt great,
And before long we were back in my room at the Greenbaum hotel. I hopped in bed to rest, write and do one of my favorite things, listen to music.

Dinner arrived, but nothing for Jen. I wanted to share my dinner with Jen, but she said no. A bit later, Charlotte appeared with my evening meds and I asked her if she could get a dinner menu for Jen. A short time later, she was back with a dinner menu and Jen got some dinner on the way. Jen spent the time watching “ I Robot” it’s not the kind of film I enjoy, so sat down and wrote this long winded entry in my journal and listened to music on my note book.

Later that evening, Jen and I plugged in the DVD player into the room’s TV and watched Joni Mitchell’s Woman of Heart and Mind. At the end of this film, Joni sang one of my favorite songs during my childhood, Both Sides Now. It brought back so many memories from my childhood and how I felt during that time of my life, I began to cry as the lyrics, “I’ve looked at life from both sides now, From win and lose and still somehow, It’s life’s illusions I recall, I really don’t know life at all.” appeared. I was struggling so hard during my childhood to try and figure out why I felt the way I did and that song held so much meaning to me even to this day. As all this was going on, Donna came into my room and took my vitals just as I regained my composure. Needless to say, my vitals at moment were not typical of what it’s been over time I have been here. She also dropped of my last meds for the day before I went to bed.

We watched a few Sponge Bob cartoons before she went back to the Holiday Inn for the evening.
and I got ready for bed.

Post op Day 2-3

February 3, 2005
Post Op Day 2
First day out of bed and took a short walk

Nancy was my nurse for today. This is the day when I get out of bed and try to take a short walk. I did not sleep all that well yesterday night due to a noisy IV pump that was still plugged in, but not used. I got up during the wee hours in the morning and spent some time putting up pictures on my yahoo picture page. I was still not able to write due to the IV stem in my left wrist. After doing this for a while, I got tried of doing pictures and tried to get some more rest. My slumber was light, but better than nothing. At some where around 7:00 AM, Jen woke up and came over to say good morning. I’m surprised at how well Jen has been sleeping here even with all the noise and lumpy hard recliner. One of the problems with me sleeping here is my body position in bed. I’m kind of stuck laying on my back with my legs apart due to all the stuff in the middle. It’s just not my usual sleeping position and adds to my problem of sleeping here. I can’t say the hospital beds are comfy either. While you can adjust them in many ways, the foam cushioning is not great. 

Day two is bladder training day and try and get out of bed day. When you have a Foley catheter installed draining all the urine from your bladder, your body tends to forget how to deal with a full bladder and you need to get it used to being filled and emptied again. The process is pretty simple. You cap off your Foley catheter with a tapered cap and allow your bladder to fill up and empty it after a while when it’s feels full. You cap off for about 90 minutes or so then you empty it. One thing you learn fast is how sensitive your bladder is to changes in pressure. The first time I capped off and drained it too fast, OUCH. I’m not going to do that again. Nancy came by and gave me a catheter cap and I remember well doing this routine with Jen, so she had no problem with just giving me the caps. I also got Nancy to remove the IV stem from my wrist so I can write in my journal again. I was happy about being able to type again. Janet from Dr.Meltzer’s office came by and wanted me to show her I could do it, but since I just did this a moment ago, I was not too keen on doing this again. I carefully showed Janet that I know how to get this done and she appeared satisfied with what I was doing. I remember Jen telling me what it felt like when you let the urine drain out too fast and now I know what it feels like. Capping off also means being able to get out of bed. Bryna, one of Dr. Meltzer’s patients from last week who came by to say hello and chat yesterday afternoon (yea, we talked for over an hour about out lives) told me today is her last day here before heading back to Connecticut. She had some flowers in a vase left over as a gift and wanted to give them to me. I smiled and gladly accepted them and thanked her for the gift. They really help to brighten up my room. Nancy came by later to help me get out of bed for the first time. The first thing to come off were the compression cuffs on my calf muscles to prevent DVT when you have been stuck in bed for an extended time. Then came capping off the Foley and finally working your way out of bed. I was pretty excited about finally being able to get out of bed after being stuck there for the past few days. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and carefully tried to get out of bed with two blood drain bottles, the Foley hanging from my tummy via tape, the hospital gown that got in the way and still weak from the stress of surgery. I made my way out of bed OK. I felt the need to go potty too, so the first stop was the potty. I tried to get a BM gently but nothing but gas came out. I was not willing to try hard due the possibility of tearing sutures. This also gave me the chance to change my pad. I was still dripping and spotting quite a bit. The next place I wanted to go to was visiting my neighbor who was Dr. Meltzer’s morning patient. I made it over there OK and chatted only a few words, but I suddenly felt dizzy and almost passed out. Jen and Nancy caught me just in time before I hit the floor. One of them got a wheel chair and I was just able to sit down. 

I was drenched in sweat after this. Jen and Nancy got my sweat soaked gown off to help me cool off. Nancy got me a cold towel for my forehead and that helped. They wheeled me back to my room next door. I spent some time sitting there to recover from what just happened. After a several minutes, I was recovered enough to get back into my bed with a new gown. I decided to rest in bed for a while before trying that again. Jen and Nancy got me some stuff to eat since I have not had breakfast yet. Some food and some rest made me feel better in short time. I decided to stay in bed to do some writing and bladder train. Jen went back to the holiday Inn for a short while to take care of some personal stuff while. I rested in bed writing and did bladder training. Jen got back after our lunch arrived. I waited for her return and we had lunch together. I tried to take a walk again after lunch, this time, I was far more careful and was able to make it to the nurses station and back to my room without any incidents. It was now mid afternoon and I decided to take a nap for a while since Jen wanted to head back to the holiday Inn for a short while. After my nap, I got up and did some more writing and began to think about all that has happened over the past few days. Jen brought over the box Trisha sent me and I finally figured out the contents. The spices go to Linda at Dr. Meltzer’s office. I was confused about this the first time I opened the package. When Debbie or Janet or Cheryl or Dr. Meltzer comes by I will get them to take the bag of goodies to Linda. I should also mention Ranch 99 is on 44^th. street in Phoenix. She sent me the following; one Pucca doll that is just the cutest thing, a box of, “It’s a girl mints.”, and what touched me most was a card with the following words,

**JOY** 

“Hi Bernice, Congratulations Sis! Everyone on the ATGN has you in their hearts and are wishing you only the best for a speedy recovery. Besides our special bond as Asian TS gals, we now share a bond as Meltzer girls too. It’s so cool that you have some one like Jen to love and support you. We all would like to have a relationship that you to have together. Enjoy the experience. It’s so wonderful to be living a life that we have dreamed about for so many years, Love Trisha.” 

When I finished reading that card, the tears began to pour out of my eyes and it went on for quite a while. My date with Dr. Meltzer would not have been possible without Jen in many ways. That card encapsulated so many emotions I have been dealing with over these past few days. I tend to keep cards for a very, very long time and this will be another that will be added to my collection. Thank you Trisha, for you have touched me in a way that is special. I hope one day we can meet instead of just chatting on the phone or email.

Jen and I sat down together and had dinner together. After dinner we went for another walk down the hall. To the same place in the hallway we went this afternoon during my second walk. 

Just before 7:00 PM Dr. Meltzer came by to see how I was doing. A quick look at my surgical site and he smiled with approval. I asked him why my results looked a bit different than Jen’s. He told me that each patient tends to be different in various ways and in my case the clitoris is not visible since it was hidden by the labia that are still sutured together. That means my clitoris is covered for now. I was thinking, if that clitoris is this sensitive now, it’s going to be a real problem when it’s exposed. In the next few days when the labia sutures are removed and we will find out how much of a problem will be.

When I asked him about the specifics of my procedure, he began to explain it to me, but again the words were a problem for me, so I asked him to draw me a picture. I got a pen and paper and he drew out what was done in my case. He told me that each case is different in some way and this is what makes this procedure technically interesting and challenging for him. Several years ago when I had an orchiectomy done, I was really concerned that it might be a problem when I get vaginoplasty done. I spent a fair amount of time and effort to research this to make sure it was not going to be a problem, and sure enough, it was not an issue at all. Getting an orchiectomy done several years earlier allowed me to deal with the legal aspect of my transition like getting my sex designator changed on my passport and etc. I also allowed me to figure out what mix of hormones works best for me and my feminization from hormones was better. So, in some ways, it was OK, but it really did not fix the physical incongruity problem I continued to struggle with for the next few years. We went on to chat about bicycle stuff, coffee and a few other things. We ended our chat and he went on to see his next patient. I’m going to keep that drawing Dr. Meltzer made for me as part of my stuff from this experience. Tomorrow the blood drains should be removed and I get my injection of Delestrogen (estradiol valerate, 30mg /14-21 days) and begin taking prometrium (200-400mg daily) again. Being back on hormones is going to be a very welcomed thing for me after being off them for a while as part of the prep for surgery.

I spent the rest of the evening doing bladder training, writing in my journal and watching TV with Jen. We went to sleep at just after 11:00 PM.

February 4, 2005
Post Op Day 3
More Stuff Removed, Freedom!

I slept sort of OK yesterday night, it was not as good as home, but far better than the previous nights. I got up at a little before 7:00AM and watched the sunrise outside the window in my room. The sunrise during this time of year is usual beautiful and today’s was no exception. Jen got up a little bit later and came over to say good morning with a kiss and hug. With a smile, “Good morning sweetie ” We sat around to chat a bit before breakfast arrived. At just a little after 8:00AM, breakfast arrived and we had our breakfast together. I ordered the yogurt parfait, scrambled eggs, fruit, toast and ice tea. Jen had Scrambled eggs, toast, yogurt parfait and orange juice. Today was drain removal day. This is a big deal as the drain bottles tend to get in the way of nearly everything you do. Nancy came in with the suture removal kit and told me she has to deal with another patient and will be back soon. I waited wondering what was about to happen. That entire area is a mix of sensitive and numb all at the same time. It feels like a total mix of sensations right now. Nancy came back and we got ready for the drain removal. Up went the bed and I rolled the covers down so she could get the deed done. Nancy asked me if it would be OK for a nursing student to watch, sure it’s educational. Nancy opened the vents on the drain bottles, moved them out of the way, opened the suture removal kit and got out the scissors. With a few snips on the retaining sutures and a tug, out came the first drain. I did not know what to expect so Nancy asked Jen if she remembered what this felt like; Jen said it was not a big deal. It stung a little as the drain was pulled out, but it was really not bad at all. The next one came out easier, it was almost painless. With the drains out, I took a moment to rest before getting out of bed to head for the bathroom. While I was in bed resting, Jen looked at me and said, “gapper.” Errr, yes I have a significantly wider pelvis than you do. We tend to compare stuff like this between us. I wanted to go to the potty and see if I can produce a BM. Sure enough, it happened. Simple as this seems, I was quite relieved this went OK with out any problems. I had moderate problem with gas, Jen had more problems with gas as things got back to working again. The next thing I really, really wanted to do was get a shower for the first time in DAYs! I got out of my hospital gown and into the shower. With Jen’s help, I got a nice warm shower for the first time in days. It’s hard to describe how good that first shower really feels like. I can assure you, it was special. I decided to put the hospital gown back on since Dr. Meltzer will be by later to do a quick exam and deal with anything I needed as part of the recovery process.

Jen looked out the window and noticed Dr.Meltzer’s car in the parking lot so he should be here shortly. At almost 11:00 AM, Dr. Meltzer came into my room and greeted us with his usual bright personality. We talked about how I was feeling and how the drain removal went. It was also the day I resumed hormones. The pre-ordered meds are 2.5 mg Premarin, I take 30mg of injected Estradial Valerate ( delestrogen) every 14 to 21 days, so asked Dr. Meltzer if he could get one of the nurses to give me a shot or should I do it? We talked about this yesterday and he thinks shots are a pain in the butt, literally. I would agree, but they work for me. Since I have the meds with me he simply ordered it on my chart so it would get done. We talked about a few other things before he went on his way to see his next patient.

A short time later, Nancy came in with my morning med in one those small paper cups. It was the usual assortment of antibiotics, stool softener, acidophilus except this time there were 4 0.625mg Premarin in the mix. I asked Nancy about this and asked her if Dr. Meltzer left an order for an injection of EV. She went back to the nurse’s station to check my chart and sure enough, there was the order from Dr. Meltzer. She came back and I handed her the vial of EV. I asked her to use two needles, one to draw and another to do the injection. Nancy told me this is the way she usually does this. Good, a nice sharp needle is far less painful than using the same needle to draw and inject. In short time, she came in with the meds in a syringe and was ready. I got out of bed and she stuck me with the syringe in the left bottom. It’s no more uncomfortable than usual. All I got to say was, the relief was instant. I was happy and beginning to feel right again. Later that day I took my 200 mg Prometrium a short time later. Things were getting back to normal for me on the hormone front. I got out of bed and took a walk around the halls with Jen. This time, I made it all the way around without problem. That felt great. BTW, 16 Laps equal one mile. We learned this from Debbie the last time were here. We planned to do more walking later today. Speaking of Debbie, she stopped by just to check in to see if we needed any thing. She is one of Dr. Meltzer's patient’s assistants. They can take you to places a reasonable distance away from Greenbaum or pick up stuff from a store you would like have. If could be something like a prescription for meds to a specific brand of ice cream you might be craving at the time.

Our therapist called yesterday to see how I was feeling and how Jen was doing with our role reversal. I was a bit surprise that Cynthia called me yesterday to see how I was doing. She asked me how I was feeling, I told her I’m so relieved that this is done and over with and I was surprise at how much better I felt even the first night post op. I gave her a quick up date on what has been happening, it’s basically a very condensed version of what I have been writing in this Journal. She was so happy that I was doing so well. I asked her if she wanted to chat with Jen for a while, yes, and I handed the phone to Jen. They chatted for a while before saying bye.

Cynthia has been our primary therapist since 1999 when I finally needed to seek good honest professional help with my gender issues. When I met Jen, It was a while later that I discovered she went to the same therapist. Cynthia has help both of us over the years with many issues that have come up including writing our primary surgery referral letter.

Several of Dr. Meltzer’s patients stopped by to chat with me for a while. Dr. Meltzer’s patients all have a small yellow sign on their door that says, “Visitors Welcome.” Or “Do not Disturb.”. If you are welcome to visitors, you leave the sign on your door stating this. If you don’t want visitors, you flip the sign over to the, “Do Not Disturb.” Side. Having visits from Dr. Meltzer’s other patients are a good thing. We spend time sharing our stories and making new connections. Interestingly, many of us know some one in common in some way. While this surgical procedure is an experience many of us will always remember, it is not by any means the final step, but a stop along the journey of our lives. Every one I have spoken to has much greater plans for their lives in the future. I know for Jen and me, there are cars to restore, food and wine to enjoy, places to visit, bike trips to complete, children to watch and help grow up ( Jen’s latest family member is Zack who is less than one month old), friends to spend time with, movies and films to enjoy, projects around the house and garden to complete, and this list goes on. The real difference is now we can do this as who we honestly are with without the need to hide any part of our innate personality and being emotionally connected with the world we live in. Being congruent is something most folks simply take for granted and it’s extremely difficult for those who are born congruent to even begin to understand what it’s like be born not congruent.

It’s really much about individual freedoms and not being judged by how you appear physically or having some one or society dictate your life to you based on measure of judgment.

Jen and I had lunch together and we went for another short walk after lunch. This time, It went just fine without incident.

Many of our days are spent taking about stuff or Jen watching TV and me listening to music and writing. There are the usual daily delivery of meds and taking of vitals and visits from Dr. Meltzer or members of his staff. While this facility is considered to e a hospital, it’s unlike any hospital in many ways. It’s more like a hotel, a name Trisha gave this place and it’s a good description for what it is. The rooms are generally quite when the health care stuff is not running. There have been times when we would take a walk in the halls late at night and the only thing you hear is the buildings ventilation system. In a typical hospital, there is always activity at all hours of the day. Many of the Greenbaum staff has worked at Scottsdale hospital just across the road. When they start working here for any amount of time, everyone I have spoken to wants to stay here. The place is low stress, patients generally great to deal with and the patients are generally healthy without many of the problems of typical hospital patients.

Mid afternoon Jen went out for a walk and I took a nap. Jen went back to the Holiday Inn to take care of some personal stuff and returned just before dinner. We had dinner together and took a walk around the halls. This time We did two times around and I felt good.

I got a delivery of flowers from one of my mom friends Helen Wong late in the afternoon. They were beautiful and smelled nice. Another gift to brighten up my room. Thank you Helen & Family.

I had a look at the TV in the room and figured out you can plug in the digital camera or DVD player. We plugged in the digital camera and looked at some pictures we have taken during our trip here. When we were done with the camera, the DVD player got connected and we watched an episode of Futurama and a film about the “Memphis Belle” a World War two B17 bomber, Jen and I both enjoy airplanes. After the videos I was feeling a bit tired from all the events of the day and decided to go to bed early. My evening meds arrived and I took them and said nightly night to Jen. She went back to the Holiday Inn and I lowered the bed and went to sleep. The time was just after 9:00 PM.