Nici Day 4

February 5, 2005
Post Op Day 4
Went Outside to Watch The Parade On Scottsdale Road and more activity.

Since I have not been sleeping all that well here over the past few nights, I decided to try Ambien, one of the optional pre-ordered meds for his patients. I really need to get some honest sleep and rest. I had Rebecca my nurse for the evening to bring me a few. I took them just after Jen went back to the hotel when I was ready to go to bed for the evening. They work, I actually got a reasonable nights rest for the first time in days. I got out of bed at just before 8:00 AM, went to the bathroom, did my morning stuff and took a shower. I got a chance to make a few phone calls to friends and family to chat. I was on the phone with my sister in law, Nancy and I got a chance to tell her a bit more of the realities of this procedure. No, it’s not cosmetic. What you end up with is basically a quite functional female anatomy with most all of the same basic anatomy and problems as a genetic female. I believe many individuals who don’t know the facts or understand what this procedure really is. This has perpertuated many mis-conceptions of what really happens. No, it’s by no means perfect, but as good as current medical technology and physiological limits will allow.

She also was concerned with the amount of pain involved with this procedure, I told her it’s less painful than you might believe, but for me, the emotional pain and suffering I have endured over the years have greatly exceed any pain I experienced during any part of this procedure. My reply to her question surprised her. I asked her if my brother has been reading my journal, yes, and he said, “you asked for it.” Regarding the topic of pain related to this procedure. It’s no wonder I don’t talk to him much any more or have any incentive to do so. He just can’t appear to see the world from another’s life perspective (empathy is one of the keys to learning how to Love those around you) and kind of typical of a lot of individuals regarding the topic of those who are born this way. So much for some of my family members..

I got this Poem from Barbara, a friend who is a painter and writer;

A little o box made of gold,
Challenges what to put inside,
A gift for you.

A seashell, maybe
So you can hear the ocean?
Or a rock I find by the edge of the sea?
A bird, maybe.

My friend Bernice
Is my gift.
Of inspiration,
A woman who roams by the sea,
Jet hair floats in the wind.
Beauty, and grace Sway
Birds and sea lions from rocks.

Then I see a drawing in the air,
Made of clouds,
Circled into friendship
To wear forever.

Love, Barbara

Jen called to tell me she would be by later that morning and asked if I wanted to go down stairs to watch the parade on Scottsdale Road. Sure, I have not gone for a walk today and it would be nice to go out in the warm sunny day. When Jen arrived, I was dressed and ready to go. Today was the first time I got to unbraid my long hair and let it down, that felt really nice. We took the elevator down stairs and walked over to Scottsdale Road. The parade ran on the street in front of Greenbaum. Jen and I stood there watching the horses and various western groups go by. It felt so good to be outside in the sun after being indoors for so many days.

We headed back to my room after spending some time watching the parade. I still get tired easy and I’m not willing to do more than I’m comfortable with. It’s better to do more short outings than a single long one. I remember once when I got home from work when Jen was just a few weeks post-op and saw her laying on the couch rather tired, I asked her, “OK what did you do?”
Jen, “I went out for a 2 hour walk to downtown and over did it.” A tongue lashing instilled and I forbid her to do this again. You really need to learn how to listen to your body as you recover. As well as thing have gone, this is major surgery and should be given all due consideration of what this really is. Back in our room, we had lunch together before Jen headed back to the Holiday Inn. She went out to look for some coffee, good fresh roasted coffee. Since we got into the home roasted coffee thing, we have both gotten pretty spoiled by good coffee and it’s always a challenge to find honestly good coffee. I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment regarding Starbucks Coffee. I honestly believe they are addicting their customers on sugar and the high caffeine content of their coffee. It’s kind of similar to what other manufactures of addictive products have done in the present and past.

Toby stopped by to see how I was doing today. He usually pedals his bike on the weekends and stops by Greenbaum on his way home. When he comes in to visit his patients on the weekends, he usually has his scrubs on since he changes from his bike clothes before visiting patients. Today was an exception, he had on casual stuff. I asked him if he went out for a bike ride and sure enough, he did. He went out on a bike route that was a route another one of his patient shared with him a short while ago. Yes, they pedaled this route together. Cycling is one of Toby’s great joys and Scottsdale is a wonderful place to do this. When we came here in October 2004, I brought my bike and it is one of the most beautiful places I have pedaled. I asked him if he has talked to his uncle recently and he said no. I told him according to Jeanne, his uncle has become kind of a recluse and is now rather private. We spent a few moments sharing memories of his uncle and dinner and food at Ernesto’s. It’s a small world.

It’s hard to describe the sense of inner peace I have been experiencing these past few days. Many of my TS sisters have told me of this over the years, but like a lot of things in life you really don’t know what it’s like until you are there. I honestly believe you really can begin to forget what was and just enjoy who you are in the present. It just gets me angry at quacks like John Money, Paul Mc Hugh who is currently on the current Bush administration’s bio-ethics committee that continues to believe this form of treatment is totally unnecessary and harmful. It is due to their published papers and faulty theories that have caused untold suffering among individuals who are born trans or intersex. It was Dr. Harry Benjamin who figured out what worked well as a proven effective rehabilitative treatment. His treatment model is still pretty much what is used to this day. It’s interesting to note, that this treatment model works equally well on individuals born intersex.

For those who are adventurous, not squeamish and curious, my little sister wrote about her experience here with Dr. Meltzer in July 2004 (yes, we visited her here in July 2004) and posted it on her web page;
http://www.sianna.com/users/amber/srs-all.html?

And yes, there are photos of the actual procedure from 1998,
http://www.annelawrence.com/meltzersrs01.html

And photos of some typical results;
http://www.annelawrence.com/meltzer0100.html

Enjoy…

I spoke to a friend this morning that was born intersex, her parents decided their child should be a boy and had genital surgery done when she was an infant. Boys are highly valued in Asian society and her folks were no exception. Well, that fix did not stick and even when she was going to shoot herself with a gun in front of her father and family years ago, he would ignore what happened and still wanted a boy regardless of how much suffering she had to endure. Years later, she became a Meltzer girl and to this day, her father continues to ignores her or acknowledges who she really is. So much for loving parents, sometimes I believe some parents only want what they believe their children should be according to them, not supporting and helping to become who they really are. I bring this up since I’m also a parent and find this kind of parenting appalling and inhumane. So if you want to destroy your children’s lives, simply take control of them and try and make them what you want them to be. She is now very happily married to a wonderful guy and they have a great life together. I bring this up as an example of so many of us who find true happiness years after the process of transition. For many of us, the challenge is, can we become who we were meant to be and enjoy all that life has to offer and contribute positive things to the society we live in each day if we were not born trans or intersex.
Jen arrived later this afternoon and we took another walk out to old Scottsdale. We got almost to the edge of old Scottsdale town before heading back. The weather has been sunny and wonderful these past few days. Just warm sun and no wind to speak of. That walk felt great,
And before long we were back in my room at the Greenbaum hotel. I hopped in bed to rest, write and do one of my favorite things, listen to music.

Dinner arrived, but nothing for Jen. I wanted to share my dinner with Jen, but she said no. A bit later, Charlotte appeared with my evening meds and I asked her if she could get a dinner menu for Jen. A short time later, she was back with a dinner menu and Jen got some dinner on the way. Jen spent the time watching “ I Robot” it’s not the kind of film I enjoy, so sat down and wrote this long winded entry in my journal and listened to music on my note book.

Later that evening, Jen and I plugged in the DVD player into the room’s TV and watched Joni Mitchell’s Woman of Heart and Mind. At the end of this film, Joni sang one of my favorite songs during my childhood, Both Sides Now. It brought back so many memories from my childhood and how I felt during that time of my life, I began to cry as the lyrics, “I’ve looked at life from both sides now, From win and lose and still somehow, It’s life’s illusions I recall, I really don’t know life at all.” appeared. I was struggling so hard during my childhood to try and figure out why I felt the way I did and that song held so much meaning to me even to this day. As all this was going on, Donna came into my room and took my vitals just as I regained my composure. Needless to say, my vitals at moment were not typical of what it’s been over time I have been here. She also dropped of my last meds for the day before I went to bed.

We watched a few Sponge Bob cartoons before she went back to the Holiday Inn for the evening.
and I got ready for bed.