The End of February, 2005

February 26, 2005

It was a pretty laid back and relaxing day at home today, Just did my usual post op care and went out for a walk around the neighborhood. I thought about what my emotional state has been like now that I’m post-op. It seems like so many little things in my daily life hold so much more significance to me now compared to before. I’m quite certain I have become more emotional than before. I stopped by the India Grocery store on the way home to see what it was like. We have driven by that store so many times, but never went in. It is a family owned store with many items that are quite similar to stores like Ranch 99. There does not appear to be a lot of store traffic and many of the store items look like they have been sitting there for a long time. Jen went out for a bike ride to Shannon road earlier this morning. She got back after I got home and finished date# 2.

Jen took a shower and is spending time watching TV. For once in my life, my body is honestly feeling like it belongs to me and the way it should have always been. My next planned surgery will be labiaplasty. That will be at least one year away.

I had my appointment with Joy on Friday morning. I dropped off Camille before 8:00 AM in the morning, drove home to pick up Jen. There was enough time to fill up the SAAB along the way.

While we arrived on time for my Joy appointment, she was running way late, about 45 minutes late. The receptionist knocks on the door, and finally, she called us into the exam room. I got undressed and sat on the exam table while Jen sat in one of the chairs on the side. I gave Joy date and specifics of my surgery and I got into the exam position. The suture splits did not concern her very much, “just keep them clean and they should heal up just fine.” It’s the same thing Dr. Meltzer and Dr. Kay told me. The splits have been improving daily and I hope they will close soon. Joy told me there are blood clots on my mounds area, labia, under the urethra. They should improve in time until they are completely absorbed. There not much to do for them at this time. We moved on to doing a vaginal speculum exam. Never had this done before. With little trouble, pain or fanfare Joy inserted the speculum and clicked in place holding my vagina open.

She swabbed several areas inside my vagina, this felt strange, being held open and being swabbed all at the same time. Joy told me there is a spot where some sloughing of dead skin is happening and don’t be surprised if you get a piece of skin during dilatation one of these days.

That was my first female gyno exam. I think I’m going to ask her for a vagina speculum during my next appointment. I’m curious to see what I look like inside. Joy asked me about hormones, I told her I’m on IM estradiol. I don’t think she was not very enthused about this, which was not a surprise to me. I just did not want to get into this topic with her. I know where she is at with this and I don’t want to get into a debate with her over this. The topic of trans politics got started, the discussion went on for quite a while. Most of what she told me, I was already aware of. I was surprised that she got involved with trans politics. Her view of the future for trans and intersex folks in the US is similar to my own, bleak. With a knock on the door, Joy’s next patient was due.

Jen got pretty unsettled about what Joy and I was saying about politics and the status of trans folks in the present day and the future.

I planned to go into work after my appointment, but after getting up at 6:00AM to dilate, getting myself and Camille ready for school, dropping her off at school and the appointment with Joy, I was just too tired. Jen and I went to Uno-Mas for lunch, Trader Joes and Safeway to shop for food. We went home after this shopping. We took a nap together after dilating and we went for a walk a bit later.

Thursday, was the first time I drove up SF to pick up Camille from school. We did our usual after school routine of Dim Sum. I stopped by the 18th Avehouse to see if I can find any registration papers for the Lancia. After looking in the car, I was not able to find anything. We drove home after looking in the Lancia. I really need to get this car registered, so it's another call to the previous owner of the car. I hope he's got all the paper work together by now.

Dilating 4 times a day pretty much consumes most of your day; you have so little time between dilatations to get things done. I went up to the #2 dilator on Feb. 21st with little problem after #1 began to feel loose. The routine now is to start with #1 for 15 minutes or so, then move up to #2 for another 15 minutes or so. I can understand why some women have problems with intercourse. There are a larger number of factors that can affect penetration. This includes PC muscle status and one's emotional state of mind. The suture splits are healing slowly. All I can do is keep them clean and be patient. Each day brings new joy for me every time I think of how my physical body is finally feeling the way it should have been all my life. Being post-op has made me more emotional, more sensitive to the world around me and more transparent with my interactions with the world. There is just a simple honesty that I feel when dealing with nearly everything in my daily life. I can honestly say that I’m finally finding a sense of peace within that I have never experienced in my life. How special is that? How do you thank those who have made this possible? Years ago, I would have never guessed that vaginoplasty would affect me in this way.

I was back to work on Tuesday and Wednesday, It was pretty low key and I was able to begin catching up on stuff. Maribeth and I got back into our afternoon walks. Its girl time for both of us and time we both enjoy deeply. I know she is going to off to another work place in the near future, but I hope we stay in touch. True friends are relationships that are worth the time and energy spent. We share so much in common, being moms, our Asian history, and much to my surprise, our personalities are similar in many ways. I printed out a copy of my journal for Marc to read. The next day I asked Marc what did he think of the journal? I was surprised to learn my journal affected Marc the way it did. I guess sharing my experience can be a good thing for those who are interested. I guess there is a part of me that just wants the world to know what my life’s story has been like and where it is now. I don’t want to be known as another TS woman, I want those who are interested to know me for who I am. A specialty audio designer, a B&W photographer, an avid cyclist, a loving parent of two children, an Italian car lover, a cook, and all the other things in life not related to me being born this way.

Dr. Shaffer Visit Number Two

After dealing with my post-op problems during the middle of February, I spent a week at home doing not much other than resting, keeping the surgical area clean, dilating, and other post op care stuff.

I went back to work 3 weeks post op, kept everything low key and did just fine. We live close enough to where I work and that allowed me to go home to dilate, some quite time alone (Jen tends to go out for walks or pedal the bike or etc. in the afternoons and have lunch. Once in a while, we would both be home together and we would share lunch.

After the 6th week or so, I was finally able to ditch the rolled up blanket I sat on to prevent pressing on my surgery site when sitting. It’s all the little things like this that you get to appreciate once you don’t need to do them anymore. It was also around this time when I stopped using the sitz bottle every time I used the potty. That was another little thing to deal with. The pee splattering is far less now that the swelling had gone down and the stream direction is not bad at all.

Friday was post-op appointment number 2 with Dr. Shaffer. It was similar to my first exam on Feb. 23, 2005 areas of treating granular tissue with silver nitrate, cleaning places that I was not able to reach, a vaginal speculum exam to see how my internals are healing, more treatment of granular tissue with silver nitrate inside my vagina and a general evaluation of my post op condition. The blood clots in my labia, monds area, and just below the urethra are pretty well absorbed when Dr. Shaffer did the exam this time. I’m still swollen in some areas but I’m certain they will improve in time. My suture tears have pretty well healed up ( the tears were not small, the one on my left labia was about 30mm long and the one on my left labia was about 15 mm long except there was a space that extended nearly 50 mm behind it. It’s amazing to me that my body fixed this in about 2-3 weeks. I asked our surgeon friend Dr. KRC about this and she was pretty correct in predicting the amount of time required for my body to heal. It required a significant amount of attention to keep the suture splits clean so they can heal. Dr. Shaffer went on to clean out a small yeast infection between the clitoris and urethra and began to treat some external areas of granular tissue with silver nitrate. The problem was, one of the areas that needed treatment was around my clitoris. I was already jumpy after being cleaned of the yeast infection and when she began to treat that area under around my clitoris with silver nitrate, I got really jumpy. Dr. Shaffer looked at me and said, "I’m going to get some topical solution to numb the area so we can get this done." I told her, “I will survive this.” Her reply, “You might survive, but I won’t.” She left the exam room and was back a moment later with some local. She applied the solution on to the affected area and we were able to proceed with the things that needed to get done. The next procedure was the speculum exam. Dr. Shaffer had a slight problem inserting the speculum in me this time as I was tense from what happened previously. She had to do the same thing I do before dilating, use a finger to get things started. With a little effort, she got the speculum in me and opened. Inside my vagina, she found some granular tissue near the apex of my vagina and treated it with silver nitrate. To top that off, she also found a slight yeast infection brewing. To deal with this, she told me to dilate with Monistat for a few days and apply some of this with a cotton swab on the area between the urethra and clitoris to keep that area yeast infection free. She removed the speculum, I got off the exam table and we were done with today’s visit. We chatted about how the current US government continues to deny basic rights to trans folks on a federal level. Those who are post-op TS are still not recognized as their post-op sex by the Federal Government. Thanks to the current Administration and the Department of Home Land Security. In most countries around the world including Iran, those who are post-op are legally recognized as their post-op sex, but no, not in this, “Democratic and Free Country called the US of A.”

Jen and I headed home after my appointment with Dr. Shaffer and did some work on the TR-3.
We had a light dinner of salad, fresh bread, some wine and ice cream for dessert. THe rest of our evening was just quite time together as we snuggled together in bed.

Each day that I wake and go to bed, I’m still amazed at how good I feel about me. For the first time in my life, my body feels correct. There are days when I still have pains from the surgical site, but they are small and feel more like a reminder of what has changed about me for good. I still have a ways to go before I’m able to get back on the bike among other things that I really enjoy doing. If some one were to ask me would I do this again knowing all that could and will happen, I would do this again in the blink of an eye.