Ouch! Goes The Boobies

Ouch! Goes The Boobies
Dec 23, 2005

My scheduled date for a mammogram arrived and we went to KP’s radiology department to get this done. I decided to get this done as future reference in my medical records and to get this of my HMO to do list. My risk for breast cancer is low due to my family history, total time on a female endocrine system and actual age of my breast. My gyno agrees with me on this, but we agreed that a base line reference mammogram is a good idea since I’m planning to get a breast aug. We arrived at the radiology dept and I check in for this procedure. The gal at the window looked at me and said, “You must be here for a mammogram.” I told her, “yes but how did you know?” She told me women who don’t have a lab work sheet are almost always here for a mammogram. She asked me for my KP card and fill out the patient information sheet. The questioner asked if there are any know lumps, bumps or moles on your breast, do you have implants, your family history of breast cancer and if this was your first mammogram. For me, this was the first time. Jen and I sat waiting for much longer than we expected, I guess they were busy on that morning. Eventually, the mammogram technician called my name and I follow her into the imaging area, Jen was just behind me and the technician asked her to wait outside with a bit of protest of why from Jen, she had to wait outside and wait until I was done. The technician handed me one of those memorable hospital robes and asked me to put it on front opening and directed me into a changing room. I undressed on top only and put the gown on front opening. Once this was done, I went outside the changing area where she directed me to the imaging machine room. I asked to see if it would be possible for me to see the films when they were done. I stared at the two plated where you rest your breast to get flattened.

She asked me if I had used any antiperspirants or lotions this morning and I told her no. These can cause problems with the image which results in a false positive or redo. Then she asked me to open the front of my gown so she could stick on a set of BB markers on my nipples. These are used as reference points for the breast image. Since this was my first mammogram, she took the time to explain the entire procedure to me and this helped lower my stress level. They are going to take 4 films total, two from top to bottom left and right and two from side to side left and right. The imaging machine is made by Siemens and the bottom plate is made of carbon fiber, the top plate is made of clear acrylic with black graphics. Both plates have rounded edges and corners. The film holder goes into the bottom plate just like a view camera film back. She demonstrated how the two plated are come together to compress the breast a fixed amount to get a good image. This thing looked more like an unpleasant clamping device rather than a medical imaging device. She directed me to stand in front of the imaging machine with my right breast resting on the bottom plate. She adjusted the height of the bottom plate until it was just lifting the bottom of my breast upward. Then she told me that the top plate will come down to compress my breast to a pre set level. It’s been said by many women that this is not a fun thing to do and I have got to agree with that. It hurts when that top plate comes down and your breast is squished flat. I felt restrained and trapped in a rather uncomfortable position when my boobies were clamped. She told me to hold my breath while the machine was making the exposure. Once the exposure is done, the machine instantly releases the clamping force. It’s a relief once the pressure on your breast comes off. This was repeated four times, twice from top to bottom and at an angle from left to right with the top corner of the bottom plate in your arm pit. I was relieved this was finally done. She asked me to stay in the gown until the films were developed and appeared good. A few minutes later, she called me to have a look at my mammogram films. She pointed out the Muscle, glandular tissue, fat tissue and the nipple structure. You can see why BB markers are used as a reference point on these images. I was surprised at how much area my breast covered on the films when flattened. They are quite a bit larger than I thought and reminded me of how physically female my body has become over the past several years. It was also clear that my breasts are mature. They appear to consist of equal volumes of glandular tissue and fat. The nipple structure is much larger than what you see on the outside, it’s a deep sizable structure. After we looked at the films, she told me that the last one she took of my left breast at an angle from L to R was blurred due to movement, so another image was needed. It was difficult for me to stay still for the last image due to the discomfort involved. Ug, we did this one more time and I was simply relieved that was done and over with. I got dressed and wet back outside to meet Jen. I kept my BB markers as souvenirs from my first mammogram. One last thing to do was for me to head up stairs for my estradiol injection. Once that was done, we headed off to do a bit of shopping.

After my mammogram I began to think of several trans folks whom recently transitioned and had SRS within a year or two post living full time. Early on most TS folks want to get their physical body to match as close as possible to their ideal as soon as possible regardless of what problems might happen due to the ‘little details’. This is when the body gets ahead of the mind, soul and sprit. This seems to happen more to those who transition later in life and have struggled most of their life with gender issues. Fact is, it takes years for hormones to have their complete effects, find their place in society and the individual to learn how to express their true self within their newly minted physical bodies. Other trans folks whom I have met that have waited man years to have surgery for various reasons tend to view surgery in a different light. In this case, the mind, soul and spirit is ahead of the physical body and when the physical body catches up, life tends to come together rapidly. I have heard so many stories of individuals who suffered from post op depression and in a few cases, this resulted in death due to suicide.
There is so much energy and resources required to complete a transition in short time that one might not consider what their life would be like post transition. Once all the surgery, legal stuff and etc is done, it is easy to feel a great deal of emptiness from having done all this.

Early on in my transition when I first went 24/7 there was a huge desire to get everything done. But due to many limitations in my life, I was not able to complete the surgical part of my transition until recently. Looking back at this, the wait allowed my feminine self to grow the emotional and spiritual aspects of my feminity. This also allowed my life to settle into where it is now and resulted in the way I reacted when I was newly post VAG almost a year ago. It is also surprising how much being post VAG has affect my growth and inner sense of self each day. My mind, soul and body simply feel more complete, unified and my sense of inner peace is always with me. Even my sexual dreams and desire has become heterosexual female at times which really surprised me. If Jen and I have not met, I would have likely gotten married to a nice man with kids from a previous marriage or etc. Being a mom is one of the simple things in life that connects with my soul and is rewarding to me in so many ways. I discovered this aspect of me from caring for our own kids when they were young. Regardless, Jen remains my soul mate and love in my life.

The question for me and many other trans folks is how much change is enough? How many surgical procedures are we willing to endure in pursuit of our idealized physical self? With each medical procedure be it hormone therapy, surgery and etc they all have risk and we need to be informed as to what the specific risk are relative to the perceived and real benefits to us. This is the question I continue to ask myself almost daily regarding breast aug. Will this be the one surgery that will end in regret for losing a part of me that is so important to me? This single surgery has been stressful for Jen as she feels frustrated from not being able to help me in the decision process.

My final surgery date payment has been sent and I’m still sitting on the fence with proceeding with BA. It is possible that I’m going to say no BA day on surgery day :(

Bad Hair Days :(

Bad Hair Days :(
Dec 14, 2005

For the past few days I have been spending hours upon hours detangling the knots in my 60 odd inches of hair. Usually my hair does not require too much care, but over the past few days, it has been a horror of tangled knots. It seems to happen once each year to this degree. I’m not sure why, but it appears to be weather related. The knots come in clumps from my scalp to the bottom hairs. They can pull on my scalp and this makes my head hurt. The only way to deal with this mess is to slowly work the knots out with my fingers before I can even think about using a brush or wide tooth comb. This comes from years of experience living with extremely long hair.
Like just about everything in life, there are good and bad aspects of living with extremely long hair.

Two weeks ago, Jen and I started up her 1957 Triumph TR-3 and took the car out for its first road trip in nearly 2 years. The trip was short, but totally uneventful. Over 90% of the car has been rebuilt, cleaned up or replaced with improved parts or redesigned and built to solve the original design problems. This includes nearly every screw, nut and bolt. We have spent several hundred hours on this project since we started. To think this started with Jen putting the car in the garage to have a look at a tiny leak from the transmission. After I transitioned years ago, there was no incentive for me to do any work on cars again, ever! I was quite happy to send my SAAB 9000 turbo to the shop every so often for service, even for an oil change. In the end, Jen got me interested in doing this again and I ended up purchasing two of my favorite Italian two mid engine sports cars in the process. With the completion of the TR-3, my Lancia will be our next project.

It seems like when problems with cars happen, it all happens at once. The plastic coolant tank in the X1/9 finally expired after 18 years along with the water pump. I had planned to change all the hoses, install a new radiator and etc in time, but with this incident it all got done at once. Now the car has a new stainless steel coolant tank (from a mid 70’s X1/9), radiator, all coolant related hoses, water pump and temp sensor. It all works OK now. The X1/9 still leaves me with a huge smile every time I drive it, it’s been that way for the past 20+ years that I have owned them and this is X1/9 number 7 (yes, I have owned 7 of these cars over the years). I will try to keep one of these in my life for as long as possible. What I discovered when researching what coolant to use in the X1/9 is a huge class action law suite against General Motors over Dex-Cool coolant. This was used in nearly all GM cars and trucks. The coolant is made by Texaco, it turns into mud like substance that clogs the entire cooling system and rots out the gaskets causing other serious problems. This is another example of why I refuse to purchase a Detroit car. In the end, it was back to the same old green Prestone coolant.

To make things worst, the clutch (been replaced once) in my SAAB 9000T with near 300,000 miles expired while out on the road. At first, I thought it was the transaxle or drive shafts that were broken, but it turned out to be the clutch disc. Last month the fuel pump quit leaving me semi stranded and more than a bit upset. In the past two months I have spent over $3k on parts and repairs on a car that has a market value of less than half that amount. I have plans to spend more on the SAAB in the near future. It still needs some major work on the engine, the AC compressor replaced and system recharged and new interior which will cost more $$$$. Why would I continue to pile money into a 15 year old SAAB? I really like the car and most of the current new cars don’t appeal to me and they are not much better in many ways. Recent cars have become more of a commodity or an item you purchase, use up and throw away. I don’t care for the huge number of gadgets found in recent cars either. They are more things that will break and distract from the experience of driving. These gadgets do more to disconnect the driver from the feel of the car and the environment it’s in. Disposable cars are wasteful of resources and energy use to create them, so, I rather keep what I enjoy and keep it well maintained. After living with this car for so long, this car has become more like an old friend with a nice personality to me than just transpotation. We know each other well.

Jen had her post op appointment with Dr. Shaffer at the end of October. During the exam, there were no real problems with the Labiaplasty, just small yeast infection and the usual post op recovery stuff like sutures hanging loose causing small problems. We chatted a bit with Dr. Shaffer about all those years we have been her patients. This would be the last time we will likely see her since she is moving out of the country. We are both going to miss her.

October also marks a date when I went shopping with Mia for her first bra. We went to Target’s girls section and picked out several that could work for her. With bras in hand, we went into the fitting room and I helped her try them on. She settled on three styles. Two had contour molded cups and the last had lightly padded contour under wire cups. I was surprised to find the girl bras were so similar to bras you find in the women’s underwear section except they were smaller in size. Yes, Mia felt a bit embarrassed shopping for her first bra. Regardless,
I reassured her that it’s all part of growing up towards womanhood. She was happy and possive with her Target bag as we headed to the car. This shopping trip also made me realize that she is fast becoming a young woman. This was a life experience that I never expected would happen to me. The gift of sharing moments like this with our daughter has been really special to me and gives me a sense of what it would have been like if I were born female bodied. I’m so thankful for having a daughter to share my life with.

Jen started to get back on the bike during the first week of November. It was slow going at first and trying not to over do it. After a few days and weeks, Jen’s time on the bike got progressively easier and she was able to increase her time pedaling. She told me being on the bike appears to help the recovery process. I found this to be true during my post VAG recovery too. We started pedaling together with Jen reducing our usual route lenght to suite her and heading back home while I pedaled our usual route lenght. In time, we were riding pretty much together again. Jen is pretty much back to her pre-op cycling schedule these days. Overall, recovery from LP is easier than the VAG.

Our Thanksgiving was spent with Jen’s family. Over the years, this has become a tradition for us. We gathered at Jen’s brother’s home and spent the evening enjoying a rather traditional turkey dinner. Zack was the family’s newest member. He is almost one year old and holding him tends to bring out the mom in me. I guess all those years of mothering our children is an experience that has become a fixed part of my personality. Given the opportunity, I would very seriously consider being a mom again. It’s one of the things in life that is so satisfying for me to do. Then again, being a grand parent would make me happy too.

December brought days spent speaking to high school kids about my life being born a TS woman. This was done with several other speakers that consisted of the mom of a gay son, a gay man and a lesbian woman. Many of the class members I spoke to had never met a known TS woman before. All they had were media stereotypical images of what TS women were like and they were very surprised when they learned about my male bodied past. When the class instructor asked this class to guess if we were Gay, Lesbian, Trans, etc based on what they perceived not one of them guessed I was TS. My hope was after spending time with them and sharing my life story would help them understand what life has been like being born this way. The classes heard stories from the other speakers who were gay, lesbian and the mom of a gay son. I learned from their life experiences too. When the class was done, we felt these young adults learned something about us and their false perceptions of those who are born different.

Today, I made a trip to the bank to get a check for my next Dr. Meltzer surgery date in Feb. 2006. Later this month is when my first payment for my February surgery date with Dr. Meltzer is due and our travel plans need to be made. I’m totally dreading what is ahead. It’s nearly one year post VAG for me and it all feels fine. Now I’m going to have more surgery done on that area along with the whole recovery process and dealing with what ever problems that will happen along the way. Knowing much of what is involved ahead is not something I’m looking forward to.

I’m not overly concerned with the Labiaplasty. Waiting a year to have this done does have certain advantages like no significant swelling from the previous op, the blood supply should be good from one year of recovery time, I can skip dilating for several days while recovering from the LP, my urine stream has pretty much settled and the correction is going to be a minor (if any). It has changed over the past several months of post-op recovery until just a few months ago. IMO, it is better to wait rather than getting part two done sooner. For me, I just don’t feel the need to rush to get LP done. It really is a cosmetic improvement for me. I could easily live with the way my VAG is now. My concerns for LP, nothing done during surgery that might alter the functionality of my clitoris, tissue death, asymmetry (a problem if excessive, which is quite individually subjective). I do have some webbing at the bottom apex of my vag and the urine flow rate is not as high as it could be, the direction is generally OK.

The Breast aug is an entirely different concern for me. One of our friends is having a breast aug done with Dr. Gray later this months and we have been discussing the BA topic for several months now. Her concerns with BA are very different from my concerns. She is concerned with size (worried about being too big) and scaring. The possibility of loss or change in breast sensation is not that great a concern for her as she told me that she never had that much breast sensitivity anyway. When she did a BA consultation with Dr. Meltzer a while ago, she wanted an implant in the 200cc range, but Dr. Meltzer told her that she would need to start at 250cc and up. This was more than she wanted at the time. After a long discussion with her about size and her own trials with various size implant samples, she appears to have settled on something in the 325cc range. She also has a wider chest than me. What I told her during our discussion is for a given body shape and size there is a limited range of implant sizes that would look realistic and you generally gain about 2 cup sizes in the process. Its due to the way breast implants fit and work. For me, I’m going to let Dr. Meltzer use his judgment on size. I’m not really concerned with this since I do not know of any Dr. Meltzer post BA patients who were unhappy with his choice on implant size. I believe I’m going to end up with something I the 300cc range.

Our friend who is getting a BA with Dr. Gray later this month also concerned with scaring which is why she is going to Dr. Gray. He does an under the nipple (not areola) but it turns out that her nipples are too small for a single under nipple incision, so he is going to need to do a down ward triple zig and zag. In the end, I’m not sure if this is going to be an improvement over the under areola incision. She doe not appear to heal with a raised scar the way I do, so things should work out just fine for her. Me, I have accepted scaring is just the way things are going to be, it’s part of my genetic history. While Dr. Meltzer is well aware of this in my case and he plans to do a wavy incision to reduce scaring. I have read the studies on this and generally it is an improvement, but a few patients still got a raised scar. The wavy peri-areola incision was originated by Dr. Wu in Singapore to reduce scaring. In most cases, it works well and the healed incision is nearly invisible. Regardless, I would like Dr. Meltzer to keep the incision as small as possible since it would be better to have a smaller raised scar than a bigger one. The type of incision is another area I’m going to pretty much leave it up to Dr. Meltzer.

Where our concerns are extremely different is change or loss of sensation. She is not really concerned with this, but this would be the heart breaker for me and something I would always regret after having done the breast aug. Of all the problems associated with this procedure, this problem cannot be fixed. Capsular contracture, dissatisfaction with implant size or shape, implant pocket shape, saline implant going flat (eventually they all do at some point in time), serious infection and etc can be treated with more surgery. If you have loss sensation and enough time has passed for recovery and the nerves don’t recover the change or loss, this becomes something you must live with. From speaking with a number of women who had this happen, they feel the loss of sensation is a small trade off for bigger boobies. To make things more difficult for me, this is basically unpredictable until the surgery is done and a given recovey time has passed.

Years ago when I started cross sex hormone therapy and my breast began to develop, the entire breast sensitivity thing was not really on my mind or a consideration. All I knew at that point in time was they were simply painful for most of the time. Eventually, they did settle down after the first year or so. Even then, they were not one of my sensual erogenous zones. At the time, I was still trying out various types of hormone therapy. Eventually, we figure out a mix of meds that worked well for me after a lot of experimenting and feedback from lab work, physical development, emotional states and etc. It was not until about 1-2 years post orchiectomy that my boobies became a serious erogenous zone. Looking back at my own history, if I had done a breast aug back then, the entire loss or change of breast sensations would have been a non-issue. If I did get a breast aug back then and got a change or loss of sensation, it would not matter since I would have never know the feelings I have now. You can’t regret losing something you never had.

There are many times when I wonder if my inner desire for boobies is going to become a source of sadness and regret. Many of my women friends who were born busty have told me the world really does treat them differently (sex object or toy, lack intelligence and etc) and this is some thing to seriously consider. They don’t call them, “Men Magnets” for nothing. My reasons for getting BA has little to do with arousing attention, it’s pretty much all about how I feel about my body which is very personal to me. In some ways, it's like getting a VAG done.

By the end of December, we will know the initial results of our friend’s BA and her done by Dr. Gray and her reactions to suddenly having sizable boobies.

Giving Thanks

Web Journal Dec. 1, 2005

Giving Thanks

My journey has been touched many individuals along the way. The page is dedicated to recognizing some of these individuals who made a difference in my life and have been a significant part of my life’s journey.

It was my parents who brought me into this world and immigrated to America during the 1960’s after they escaped the Japanese invasion of China during the 1930’s. I was a young child of 4-5 years old with no idea where we were headed or what my future would bring. It was my mom’s sister who sponsored us and helped us settle here in America, she was the one who tended the seeds of our family in this country called America. In time, my parents have grown to love and accept their new daughter. This is not typical for an Asian family as comming out being TS will bring shame upon the family name and worst than if the family member is simply dead.

To my two sisters Diane and Fay, they both took care of me during my childhood and today accepted me with love as one of our family sisters. In the spring of 2005, Fay surprised me with a check to cover the cost of my surgery. It was Jen, Fay and my savings that made my surgery date possible. They even forgave me for all those years that I played dress up with their stuff.
I never suspected they knew about this, but they did know about what I did in their bed room. They asked me about this years later when I came out to them as TS and they were understanding with all that happened years ago.

To my best friend and daily playmate during kindergarten, Felicia. We did just about everything together and her mom would make us lunch when I visited her at home. It was a sad day when her family moved and she said goodbye to me in the school yard. I never saw her again after that day in the school yard and I still miss her companionship to this day. I hope you are well and happy after all these years.

There were a number of bullies that physically and verbally abused me during my time in elementary school. Barry Leong was the one who fought them off and took care of me during my childhood. We lost touch as we grew older and went on to junior high school but during the first day of high school, I discovered that we attended the same school. I never had a chance to meet up with him during high school as he died from a stab wound after a fight at school on the way to the hospital. This happened during the first few days of high school. This was another very sad day in my life.

To Mark Harland, my graphic arts teacher from junior high school who took in this lonely child showed me that I was worthy member of humanity and helped me discovered my talents for industrial arts.

To Eddi, who became my first real friend during our junior high school years and he is still a good friend to this day.

To Ken and his wife Malie, his folks Elaine and Peter for sharing their family’s love with me thru all these years.

To Eddy & Cecilia who took care of me during a time when I felt I had no family that cared.

To my friends on line; Robin, Gwen, Michelle, Jan, Stephe, Donna, Tara, Lilith, Katie, Briar we shared so much of our lives at time when each of us needed to figure out who we really are. In the end, each of us has found peace in life.

To friends whom I have met during my journey Cecilia, Joan, JoAnne, Trisha, Jamison, Michelle, Sis in Phx. It’s comforting to share our life stories together and knowing I’m not alone trying to deal with this state of birth.

To all those who put up web pages that were honestly helpful, Andrea, Lynn, Amber, Dr. Becky, Donna, are among just a few.

To my mom friends, Helen, Rose, Sheryl, Wendy, Melissa and Alice for sharing our lives as we watched our kids grow up and being there to support me emotionally and many other ways that made a difference during my journey.


To my health care providers;

To Dr. Toby Meltzer for a VAG that feels and looks correct and functional in ways that amazes me. It’s been said that there are those who are born with the gift of healing and sensitivity to the needs of humanity, Dr. Meltzer is definitely one of them. To the rest of Dr. Meltzer’s staff; Michael Dr. Meltzer’s surgery tech, Cheryl who took care of me during my time at Greenbaum, Carole who was able to reschedule my surgery date and made a real difference in my sanity at the time, Janet for making us laugh, Debbie for just being there and taking care of all the little but significant things we might need during out time at Greenbaum.

To the staff at Greenbaum Surgery Center Julie, Charlotte, Katie, Ellen, Ana and the rest for taking care of me during my stay at the Greenbaum hotel.

To Dr. Shaffer who was my first trans specific primary care provider and sharing her experience and insights into this state of birth.

To Dr. Brownstein for doing my orchiectomy in 2001 and putting an end to the torment of testosterone for good.

To Dr. Aslan for being open minded, willing to listen and helping me in within the limits of Kaiser P.

To My other health care providers at Kaiser P including Dr. Dea who wrote my second SRS letter with no fuss and being an advocate for trans health care at Kaiser P.

To Dr. Millie Brown (Mother Millie) for writing ‘True Selves’ the first book that made a difference in the lives of so many trans folks including me.

To Cynthia Young, our therapist and the one who help me in many ways during my journey.

To Susan my hair zapper, for zapping hair where it matters and not toasting my skin in the process. The stuff we talked about while we zapped hair was great. Yes Susan, it does not hurt you at all, it’s just me that goes OUCH!

To my ex, for sharing nearly 20 years of our lives together and the two children we had together.

And to Jen, my partner, best friend, lover, soul mate and the one that I have shared just about everything with. It’s been said that true love is one of life’s rare events and we are so lucky that we met and have traveled this journey together.

The journey to discover my true self began in 1995, 24/7 and the start of my medical transition in 2000 and today my life’s journey continues to unfold as time moves on.