Bad Hair Days :(

Bad Hair Days :(
Dec 14, 2005

For the past few days I have been spending hours upon hours detangling the knots in my 60 odd inches of hair. Usually my hair does not require too much care, but over the past few days, it has been a horror of tangled knots. It seems to happen once each year to this degree. I’m not sure why, but it appears to be weather related. The knots come in clumps from my scalp to the bottom hairs. They can pull on my scalp and this makes my head hurt. The only way to deal with this mess is to slowly work the knots out with my fingers before I can even think about using a brush or wide tooth comb. This comes from years of experience living with extremely long hair.
Like just about everything in life, there are good and bad aspects of living with extremely long hair.

Two weeks ago, Jen and I started up her 1957 Triumph TR-3 and took the car out for its first road trip in nearly 2 years. The trip was short, but totally uneventful. Over 90% of the car has been rebuilt, cleaned up or replaced with improved parts or redesigned and built to solve the original design problems. This includes nearly every screw, nut and bolt. We have spent several hundred hours on this project since we started. To think this started with Jen putting the car in the garage to have a look at a tiny leak from the transmission. After I transitioned years ago, there was no incentive for me to do any work on cars again, ever! I was quite happy to send my SAAB 9000 turbo to the shop every so often for service, even for an oil change. In the end, Jen got me interested in doing this again and I ended up purchasing two of my favorite Italian two mid engine sports cars in the process. With the completion of the TR-3, my Lancia will be our next project.

It seems like when problems with cars happen, it all happens at once. The plastic coolant tank in the X1/9 finally expired after 18 years along with the water pump. I had planned to change all the hoses, install a new radiator and etc in time, but with this incident it all got done at once. Now the car has a new stainless steel coolant tank (from a mid 70’s X1/9), radiator, all coolant related hoses, water pump and temp sensor. It all works OK now. The X1/9 still leaves me with a huge smile every time I drive it, it’s been that way for the past 20+ years that I have owned them and this is X1/9 number 7 (yes, I have owned 7 of these cars over the years). I will try to keep one of these in my life for as long as possible. What I discovered when researching what coolant to use in the X1/9 is a huge class action law suite against General Motors over Dex-Cool coolant. This was used in nearly all GM cars and trucks. The coolant is made by Texaco, it turns into mud like substance that clogs the entire cooling system and rots out the gaskets causing other serious problems. This is another example of why I refuse to purchase a Detroit car. In the end, it was back to the same old green Prestone coolant.

To make things worst, the clutch (been replaced once) in my SAAB 9000T with near 300,000 miles expired while out on the road. At first, I thought it was the transaxle or drive shafts that were broken, but it turned out to be the clutch disc. Last month the fuel pump quit leaving me semi stranded and more than a bit upset. In the past two months I have spent over $3k on parts and repairs on a car that has a market value of less than half that amount. I have plans to spend more on the SAAB in the near future. It still needs some major work on the engine, the AC compressor replaced and system recharged and new interior which will cost more $$$$. Why would I continue to pile money into a 15 year old SAAB? I really like the car and most of the current new cars don’t appeal to me and they are not much better in many ways. Recent cars have become more of a commodity or an item you purchase, use up and throw away. I don’t care for the huge number of gadgets found in recent cars either. They are more things that will break and distract from the experience of driving. These gadgets do more to disconnect the driver from the feel of the car and the environment it’s in. Disposable cars are wasteful of resources and energy use to create them, so, I rather keep what I enjoy and keep it well maintained. After living with this car for so long, this car has become more like an old friend with a nice personality to me than just transpotation. We know each other well.

Jen had her post op appointment with Dr. Shaffer at the end of October. During the exam, there were no real problems with the Labiaplasty, just small yeast infection and the usual post op recovery stuff like sutures hanging loose causing small problems. We chatted a bit with Dr. Shaffer about all those years we have been her patients. This would be the last time we will likely see her since she is moving out of the country. We are both going to miss her.

October also marks a date when I went shopping with Mia for her first bra. We went to Target’s girls section and picked out several that could work for her. With bras in hand, we went into the fitting room and I helped her try them on. She settled on three styles. Two had contour molded cups and the last had lightly padded contour under wire cups. I was surprised to find the girl bras were so similar to bras you find in the women’s underwear section except they were smaller in size. Yes, Mia felt a bit embarrassed shopping for her first bra. Regardless,
I reassured her that it’s all part of growing up towards womanhood. She was happy and possive with her Target bag as we headed to the car. This shopping trip also made me realize that she is fast becoming a young woman. This was a life experience that I never expected would happen to me. The gift of sharing moments like this with our daughter has been really special to me and gives me a sense of what it would have been like if I were born female bodied. I’m so thankful for having a daughter to share my life with.

Jen started to get back on the bike during the first week of November. It was slow going at first and trying not to over do it. After a few days and weeks, Jen’s time on the bike got progressively easier and she was able to increase her time pedaling. She told me being on the bike appears to help the recovery process. I found this to be true during my post VAG recovery too. We started pedaling together with Jen reducing our usual route lenght to suite her and heading back home while I pedaled our usual route lenght. In time, we were riding pretty much together again. Jen is pretty much back to her pre-op cycling schedule these days. Overall, recovery from LP is easier than the VAG.

Our Thanksgiving was spent with Jen’s family. Over the years, this has become a tradition for us. We gathered at Jen’s brother’s home and spent the evening enjoying a rather traditional turkey dinner. Zack was the family’s newest member. He is almost one year old and holding him tends to bring out the mom in me. I guess all those years of mothering our children is an experience that has become a fixed part of my personality. Given the opportunity, I would very seriously consider being a mom again. It’s one of the things in life that is so satisfying for me to do. Then again, being a grand parent would make me happy too.

December brought days spent speaking to high school kids about my life being born a TS woman. This was done with several other speakers that consisted of the mom of a gay son, a gay man and a lesbian woman. Many of the class members I spoke to had never met a known TS woman before. All they had were media stereotypical images of what TS women were like and they were very surprised when they learned about my male bodied past. When the class instructor asked this class to guess if we were Gay, Lesbian, Trans, etc based on what they perceived not one of them guessed I was TS. My hope was after spending time with them and sharing my life story would help them understand what life has been like being born this way. The classes heard stories from the other speakers who were gay, lesbian and the mom of a gay son. I learned from their life experiences too. When the class was done, we felt these young adults learned something about us and their false perceptions of those who are born different.

Today, I made a trip to the bank to get a check for my next Dr. Meltzer surgery date in Feb. 2006. Later this month is when my first payment for my February surgery date with Dr. Meltzer is due and our travel plans need to be made. I’m totally dreading what is ahead. It’s nearly one year post VAG for me and it all feels fine. Now I’m going to have more surgery done on that area along with the whole recovery process and dealing with what ever problems that will happen along the way. Knowing much of what is involved ahead is not something I’m looking forward to.

I’m not overly concerned with the Labiaplasty. Waiting a year to have this done does have certain advantages like no significant swelling from the previous op, the blood supply should be good from one year of recovery time, I can skip dilating for several days while recovering from the LP, my urine stream has pretty much settled and the correction is going to be a minor (if any). It has changed over the past several months of post-op recovery until just a few months ago. IMO, it is better to wait rather than getting part two done sooner. For me, I just don’t feel the need to rush to get LP done. It really is a cosmetic improvement for me. I could easily live with the way my VAG is now. My concerns for LP, nothing done during surgery that might alter the functionality of my clitoris, tissue death, asymmetry (a problem if excessive, which is quite individually subjective). I do have some webbing at the bottom apex of my vag and the urine flow rate is not as high as it could be, the direction is generally OK.

The Breast aug is an entirely different concern for me. One of our friends is having a breast aug done with Dr. Gray later this months and we have been discussing the BA topic for several months now. Her concerns with BA are very different from my concerns. She is concerned with size (worried about being too big) and scaring. The possibility of loss or change in breast sensation is not that great a concern for her as she told me that she never had that much breast sensitivity anyway. When she did a BA consultation with Dr. Meltzer a while ago, she wanted an implant in the 200cc range, but Dr. Meltzer told her that she would need to start at 250cc and up. This was more than she wanted at the time. After a long discussion with her about size and her own trials with various size implant samples, she appears to have settled on something in the 325cc range. She also has a wider chest than me. What I told her during our discussion is for a given body shape and size there is a limited range of implant sizes that would look realistic and you generally gain about 2 cup sizes in the process. Its due to the way breast implants fit and work. For me, I’m going to let Dr. Meltzer use his judgment on size. I’m not really concerned with this since I do not know of any Dr. Meltzer post BA patients who were unhappy with his choice on implant size. I believe I’m going to end up with something I the 300cc range.

Our friend who is getting a BA with Dr. Gray later this month also concerned with scaring which is why she is going to Dr. Gray. He does an under the nipple (not areola) but it turns out that her nipples are too small for a single under nipple incision, so he is going to need to do a down ward triple zig and zag. In the end, I’m not sure if this is going to be an improvement over the under areola incision. She doe not appear to heal with a raised scar the way I do, so things should work out just fine for her. Me, I have accepted scaring is just the way things are going to be, it’s part of my genetic history. While Dr. Meltzer is well aware of this in my case and he plans to do a wavy incision to reduce scaring. I have read the studies on this and generally it is an improvement, but a few patients still got a raised scar. The wavy peri-areola incision was originated by Dr. Wu in Singapore to reduce scaring. In most cases, it works well and the healed incision is nearly invisible. Regardless, I would like Dr. Meltzer to keep the incision as small as possible since it would be better to have a smaller raised scar than a bigger one. The type of incision is another area I’m going to pretty much leave it up to Dr. Meltzer.

Where our concerns are extremely different is change or loss of sensation. She is not really concerned with this, but this would be the heart breaker for me and something I would always regret after having done the breast aug. Of all the problems associated with this procedure, this problem cannot be fixed. Capsular contracture, dissatisfaction with implant size or shape, implant pocket shape, saline implant going flat (eventually they all do at some point in time), serious infection and etc can be treated with more surgery. If you have loss sensation and enough time has passed for recovery and the nerves don’t recover the change or loss, this becomes something you must live with. From speaking with a number of women who had this happen, they feel the loss of sensation is a small trade off for bigger boobies. To make things more difficult for me, this is basically unpredictable until the surgery is done and a given recovey time has passed.

Years ago when I started cross sex hormone therapy and my breast began to develop, the entire breast sensitivity thing was not really on my mind or a consideration. All I knew at that point in time was they were simply painful for most of the time. Eventually, they did settle down after the first year or so. Even then, they were not one of my sensual erogenous zones. At the time, I was still trying out various types of hormone therapy. Eventually, we figure out a mix of meds that worked well for me after a lot of experimenting and feedback from lab work, physical development, emotional states and etc. It was not until about 1-2 years post orchiectomy that my boobies became a serious erogenous zone. Looking back at my own history, if I had done a breast aug back then, the entire loss or change of breast sensations would have been a non-issue. If I did get a breast aug back then and got a change or loss of sensation, it would not matter since I would have never know the feelings I have now. You can’t regret losing something you never had.

There are many times when I wonder if my inner desire for boobies is going to become a source of sadness and regret. Many of my women friends who were born busty have told me the world really does treat them differently (sex object or toy, lack intelligence and etc) and this is some thing to seriously consider. They don’t call them, “Men Magnets” for nothing. My reasons for getting BA has little to do with arousing attention, it’s pretty much all about how I feel about my body which is very personal to me. In some ways, it's like getting a VAG done.

By the end of December, we will know the initial results of our friend’s BA and her done by Dr. Gray and her reactions to suddenly having sizable boobies.