Ouch! Goes The Boobies

Ouch! Goes The Boobies
Dec 23, 2005

My scheduled date for a mammogram arrived and we went to KP’s radiology department to get this done. I decided to get this done as future reference in my medical records and to get this of my HMO to do list. My risk for breast cancer is low due to my family history, total time on a female endocrine system and actual age of my breast. My gyno agrees with me on this, but we agreed that a base line reference mammogram is a good idea since I’m planning to get a breast aug. We arrived at the radiology dept and I check in for this procedure. The gal at the window looked at me and said, “You must be here for a mammogram.” I told her, “yes but how did you know?” She told me women who don’t have a lab work sheet are almost always here for a mammogram. She asked me for my KP card and fill out the patient information sheet. The questioner asked if there are any know lumps, bumps or moles on your breast, do you have implants, your family history of breast cancer and if this was your first mammogram. For me, this was the first time. Jen and I sat waiting for much longer than we expected, I guess they were busy on that morning. Eventually, the mammogram technician called my name and I follow her into the imaging area, Jen was just behind me and the technician asked her to wait outside with a bit of protest of why from Jen, she had to wait outside and wait until I was done. The technician handed me one of those memorable hospital robes and asked me to put it on front opening and directed me into a changing room. I undressed on top only and put the gown on front opening. Once this was done, I went outside the changing area where she directed me to the imaging machine room. I asked to see if it would be possible for me to see the films when they were done. I stared at the two plated where you rest your breast to get flattened.

She asked me if I had used any antiperspirants or lotions this morning and I told her no. These can cause problems with the image which results in a false positive or redo. Then she asked me to open the front of my gown so she could stick on a set of BB markers on my nipples. These are used as reference points for the breast image. Since this was my first mammogram, she took the time to explain the entire procedure to me and this helped lower my stress level. They are going to take 4 films total, two from top to bottom left and right and two from side to side left and right. The imaging machine is made by Siemens and the bottom plate is made of carbon fiber, the top plate is made of clear acrylic with black graphics. Both plates have rounded edges and corners. The film holder goes into the bottom plate just like a view camera film back. She demonstrated how the two plated are come together to compress the breast a fixed amount to get a good image. This thing looked more like an unpleasant clamping device rather than a medical imaging device. She directed me to stand in front of the imaging machine with my right breast resting on the bottom plate. She adjusted the height of the bottom plate until it was just lifting the bottom of my breast upward. Then she told me that the top plate will come down to compress my breast to a pre set level. It’s been said by many women that this is not a fun thing to do and I have got to agree with that. It hurts when that top plate comes down and your breast is squished flat. I felt restrained and trapped in a rather uncomfortable position when my boobies were clamped. She told me to hold my breath while the machine was making the exposure. Once the exposure is done, the machine instantly releases the clamping force. It’s a relief once the pressure on your breast comes off. This was repeated four times, twice from top to bottom and at an angle from left to right with the top corner of the bottom plate in your arm pit. I was relieved this was finally done. She asked me to stay in the gown until the films were developed and appeared good. A few minutes later, she called me to have a look at my mammogram films. She pointed out the Muscle, glandular tissue, fat tissue and the nipple structure. You can see why BB markers are used as a reference point on these images. I was surprised at how much area my breast covered on the films when flattened. They are quite a bit larger than I thought and reminded me of how physically female my body has become over the past several years. It was also clear that my breasts are mature. They appear to consist of equal volumes of glandular tissue and fat. The nipple structure is much larger than what you see on the outside, it’s a deep sizable structure. After we looked at the films, she told me that the last one she took of my left breast at an angle from L to R was blurred due to movement, so another image was needed. It was difficult for me to stay still for the last image due to the discomfort involved. Ug, we did this one more time and I was simply relieved that was done and over with. I got dressed and wet back outside to meet Jen. I kept my BB markers as souvenirs from my first mammogram. One last thing to do was for me to head up stairs for my estradiol injection. Once that was done, we headed off to do a bit of shopping.

After my mammogram I began to think of several trans folks whom recently transitioned and had SRS within a year or two post living full time. Early on most TS folks want to get their physical body to match as close as possible to their ideal as soon as possible regardless of what problems might happen due to the ‘little details’. This is when the body gets ahead of the mind, soul and sprit. This seems to happen more to those who transition later in life and have struggled most of their life with gender issues. Fact is, it takes years for hormones to have their complete effects, find their place in society and the individual to learn how to express their true self within their newly minted physical bodies. Other trans folks whom I have met that have waited man years to have surgery for various reasons tend to view surgery in a different light. In this case, the mind, soul and spirit is ahead of the physical body and when the physical body catches up, life tends to come together rapidly. I have heard so many stories of individuals who suffered from post op depression and in a few cases, this resulted in death due to suicide.
There is so much energy and resources required to complete a transition in short time that one might not consider what their life would be like post transition. Once all the surgery, legal stuff and etc is done, it is easy to feel a great deal of emptiness from having done all this.

Early on in my transition when I first went 24/7 there was a huge desire to get everything done. But due to many limitations in my life, I was not able to complete the surgical part of my transition until recently. Looking back at this, the wait allowed my feminine self to grow the emotional and spiritual aspects of my feminity. This also allowed my life to settle into where it is now and resulted in the way I reacted when I was newly post VAG almost a year ago. It is also surprising how much being post VAG has affect my growth and inner sense of self each day. My mind, soul and body simply feel more complete, unified and my sense of inner peace is always with me. Even my sexual dreams and desire has become heterosexual female at times which really surprised me. If Jen and I have not met, I would have likely gotten married to a nice man with kids from a previous marriage or etc. Being a mom is one of the simple things in life that connects with my soul and is rewarding to me in so many ways. I discovered this aspect of me from caring for our own kids when they were young. Regardless, Jen remains my soul mate and love in my life.

The question for me and many other trans folks is how much change is enough? How many surgical procedures are we willing to endure in pursuit of our idealized physical self? With each medical procedure be it hormone therapy, surgery and etc they all have risk and we need to be informed as to what the specific risk are relative to the perceived and real benefits to us. This is the question I continue to ask myself almost daily regarding breast aug. Will this be the one surgery that will end in regret for losing a part of me that is so important to me? This single surgery has been stressful for Jen as she feels frustrated from not being able to help me in the decision process.

My final surgery date payment has been sent and I’m still sitting on the fence with proceeding with BA. It is possible that I’m going to say no BA day on surgery day :(