Quiet Courage

July 16, 2006
Quite Courage.

Last weekend Jen and I attended an awards dinner for API families. This event was for API LGTBI children who wished to honor their parents and family after they have reached a place of acceptance, understanding and love. There were many touching moments sharing these stories of struggle and love from these parents for their LGBTI children and their families. The success of these children’s relationship with their parents points to the cultural difference between western families and those of API history. In many Asian Cultures, families are the core of an individual’s reason for existence. The family name is place first in any Chinese name and illustrates the importance of family name in this culture. Family first, individuality second. Children are a parent’s “Social Security” in many Asian cultures which one of the reasons why Asian parents are willing to invest so much in their children. One of my favorite movies, “The Joy Luck Club (Amy Tan)” Tells the story of relationships between mothers and daughters within the context of Chinese history and culture. Once an understanding of the differences between cultures has been learned, it becomes apparent that the western way of “Out, Loud and Proud” does not fit the needs of API families. Family name holds a lot of status within an API community; it is partly due to the close knit nature of these communities. It goes back to this ways of life in a small village where just about everyone who lives in a given village is related in some way. Coming out as LGBTI will almost always smear the family name in a negative way and the shame associated with this is bad for the entire family. It takes quiet courage for the LGBTI child and parent to work thru the process of dealing with these life realties. In every parent and family member who spoke at the awards dinner about their children, the love for their children is so apparent. They have come to a place of understanding this is part of who they are and still love their children regardless of how they have been born or how society views them. It’s a good feeling to know my efforts within this organization can make a difference in these families and individuals.

A few weeks ago my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had surgery shortly after the diagnosis and is now back home from the hospital. At 81 years old, recovery has been difficult for her. She has other health problems on top of the cancer. Fact is, my mom is near the end of her life.

Life has not been easy for her. Born in China and married off when she was 16 or 18 years old by an arranged marriage to my dad. Her village was invaded by the Japanese during World War 2. When mom was younger, she shared her stories of what the Japanese solders did to the villagers and how she narrowly escaped death. If not for her sister who immigrated to Hong Kong years earlier and a few years later she immigrated to America, our family would not be where we are today here in the America. After JFK and congress passed the open door policy in the early 1960’s our family was able to immigrate to America with her sponsorship. My dad’s father owned a salon in Sacramento around the turn of the century and sent money back home to his family in China. Every few years, we visit the place where grandfather has been laid to rest in Sacramento.

Growing up first generation and impoverished in the ghetto of Chinatown has shaped my personality and is part of what makes me who I am today. Life is not always easy for first generation immigrants. Life was always a struggle for our family to make ends meet and put food on the table during those early years. My parents sacrificed so much for the life we have today. Over these past few years, I have come to realize how much of my mom’s personality I share with my sisters and so little with my brothers. There will always be a part of our mom that lives within us.

As a parent, mom was always supportive of what I wanted to do in life and did what she could to help us find our place in life. I have also come to realize the way I have parented our children is similar to the way she treated me as a child growing up. I was the youngest of seven children and her favorite child. Mom always worried about me and my future. She is still here with us, but even so, I’m already missing her in so many ways. It feels like part of me is leaving with her. When we enter this world, our parents care for us until we are old enough to care for ourselves and as our parents grow older, we can become their care takers. Such is the cycle of life.

Jen’s mom passed away just over a year ago and we visited and cared for her before she passed on. Now, I’m doing much of the same for my mom. I still think of and miss Jen’s mom soul and sprit. It only seems much more difficult the second time around with my mom even with the experience from going thru this with Jen’s mom.

Not too long ago, I asked my dad to give and change my previous Chinese name to a feminine Chinese name. While it’s been over 6 years since my legal name change. At that time, I had never imagined requesting anything like this from my parents. Much to my surprise, my dad presented me with a feminine Chinese name recently. In many ways, this is a huge step in my parents recognizing and acceptance of their third daughter in the family and a very significant event in our lives. Chinese names begin with the family name, then a middle name and a last name. My family name is the same as before, middle name is the same as my other sisters and my last name roughly translated to “floating clouds”. My dad decided on this as the last part of my name since his impression of me was one who tended to float freely about which is not too far from the way I am. One day, I would like to honor my parents for the love, acceptance and support they have given me over the years.