Nici's Journal

An example of what Compassion can achieve.

2010-10-30T01:13:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago there was a mine collapse in Chile which trapped 33 miners several thousand feet of hard rock.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/tech/emergency-mine-rescue.html

Nearly all hope was lost to find these miners dead from this disaster until a emergency test bore was drilled and a note was attached from the trapped miners that they are all still alive. with this knowledge and hope, the race was on to try and drill bore large enough to rescue this group of miners. It was a technological feat that all involved was able to drill a 21 inch rescue bore and all 33 trapped miners were able to be rescued. These trapped miners survived extremely grueling conditions of heat, humidity, dark and un-certain conditions. All were very prone to infections, mal-nutrition and extreme mental stress from these conditions. Their hope was kept alive from knowing that the folks on the surface was doing all they can to get them out alive. Compassion for these trapped miners brought together and international rescue team and coordinated effort that ultimately succeed in this historic rescue.

An excellent example of what compassion can achieve.

In the context of gender different individuals, compassion is key to how individuals directly connected to the gender different individual affects their life. In many ways, a gender different individual is a test of the amount of compassion from all involved.

The world would be a better place if more individuals of the human family would practice simple acts of compassion.

Compassion is also one of the keys to happiness, " ‎"If You Want Others To Be Happy, Practice Compassion. If You Want To Be Happy, Practice Compassion." Dali Lama."

It's been just over two years since my mom's passing. I visit her grave often and think about the life she has given me and how mom has become part of who I am today. I miss her cooking, affection and aura to this day. I also have made peace with her departure from our world. cooking some of the food dishes mom would make brings me back to memories of an earlier time in my life when I would watch and learn how she cooked and the very traditional dished mom would make which I share with Jen often these days with Jen.

With the passing of this year, this gender journey has passed the decade mark. There are very few moments that I even think about my gender as if I have always been this way since birth. Gender is simply no longer much of an issue in my life these days which is one of the reasons why I have written so little in this blog.

I'm mostly quite happy these days and continuing on life's journey without the gender anchor allows me to focus and experience much of what life has to offer.

To nay Sayers that gender transition does no work, I'm living proof that these detractors is simply wrong, mis-guided and lack compassion for individuals who are born gender different. I do believe these individuals are driven by greed, need for fame within their profession, and a lack of compassion to truly help gender different individuals. Yet, every good gender specific health care provider that is honestly interested in making a positive difference in the lives of gender different individuals tend to have and express a great deal of compassion.

Goodbye Mom...I Love You Always

2008-10-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

October 4, 2008

On a Thursday afternoon, I had a chance to visit mom after being away for quite a while. Knocked on the door. Dad soon answered, opened the door and I proceeded to my mom’s room where she was eating her noontime meal. I sat next to her and began to feed her rice with meat and some soup. When she was done, I took dishes out to the kitchen where dad was doing some washing and I proceeded back to visit spend time with mom. Over the years and months after her treatment for cancer, her health has been on a steady decline and grew in difficulty with each of my visits. Before I left, I gave mom a hug and kiss on the cheek as usual, but something was missing, her soul and sprit seemed far more distant than in previous time we hugged, something had changed, I said goodbye to dad with a hug. I had no idea this would be the last meal and moments we would share together…

Several days later, Diane called me late one afternoon to deliver the news that mom had passed. I was working on a design in CAD at the time, my mind went numb, my focus and concentration towards the design work shifted towards my memories of mom. The news did not really sink in until I got home a few hours later. Jen knew there was something wrong the moment I stepped in the door. She held me and asked what’s wrong, when I told her mom had passed and cried for a moment as Jen held me.

There is a mix of relief and deep sadness with my mom’s passing. Relief that her daily effort and suffering in this life is done, sad as I have now lost the parent who cared for me in so many ways. My earliest memories of mom go back when she was diapering me, singing a tune as she heated up my bottle. There were many naps we took together and as I started school, she was always there to care for me. Even during the times when our family struggled to survive, she always managed to find a way to take care of me in ways only she could.

When our family immigrated to America, a few of the words I remember mom telling us, “The fruits in Gold Mountain does not taste the same as where we are from.” Mom knew that immigrating to the America meant giving up her life in Hong Kong after narrowly escaping the Japanese invasion of China during world war two. Our family struggle those initial years San Francisco’s Chinatown. As years passed, our family was fortunate enough purchase a home in the Richmond district due the hard work of my other family members. At times, mom seemed totally unreasonable, yet in her own way, she had our families futures in mind beyond our daily struggle to survive. Mom was the bond that held our family together.

For reasons no know to me, mom never really imposed any significant expectations upon me, she simply allowed me to slowly discover who I was and my place in life. She was always there to love and support me and provided stability in my life, which allowed me to learn and grow. Our life’s experiences what ever they might be are from the gift of life our parents have given us. Mom has given me the greater gift of allowing me to discover, become and accept me for who I am in this journey of life. Mom continues to live in my memories of her and the gifts that she has given me in my lifetime. Thank you mom, for giving me the gift of life, allowing me to be me and always being there to support and love me in ways only you can.

Cleaning Out The Closet

2008-09-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month, we got a card requesting donations of clothing and such.. So like every year, I started to clean out my closet pulling out stuff that I have not worn in quite a while, worn too much, no long fit and clothes that should have been long gone. One of my favorite past time is to head go shopping for clothes. Two of my favorite places to find stuff are Loemann’s, and Nordies.

Recently Kenneth Cole ran a cover AD with Nina Poon who is a trans woman.
http://www.kennethcole.com/home/index.jsp

Nina’s Story;
http://www.kennethcole.com/content/index.jsp?page=advertising/bio4.aspx&h=550&w=898

I was pretty impressed with KC for running this AD featuring Nina. There is another transwoman, Isis, currently on America’s Next Top Model. The media release says they discovered Isis in a homeless shelter, no specifics of history has been released yet, but I suspect she is one of many, many gender different youth that has been abandoned by un-accepting family. We might learn more about Isis’s history in time. Transwomen models are not new. They have been part of the fashion scene for a while. Tula, once an 80’s Bond Girl and working model is just one of the notables in the world of fashion models. It’s not surprising that there would be some focus towards transwoman as fashion models. Some of the basic requirements for behind a serious working, “super model” height, 5’8” or taller, about 120 pounds, confident about their femininity, not much more than 20 years old and etc…. The physical requirements of height alone exclude the vast majority of women. I believe the weight requirement is too low for a host of reasons. It turns out this is what looks good on the runway and photographs well. Regardless, it’s great to see openly public transwoman become this successful in the fashion world. A page has turned in the world of fashion.

As for my closet, it turns out I have a bent towards “Designer Clothes”. Some of the “Designers” that I like; Anne Kline, Calvin Kline, Jones New York, Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan & DKNY, Nicole Miller, Elie Tahari, Malo, D&G, and… Of the clothes from Europe, I like many designers from Italy, the French tend to be a bit over the top for my taste, but the French really know how to make Lingerie that I like.

Better quality, less trendy clothes can be more timeless and durable, but quality women’s clothes cost more and this is one of the considerations that enter into my purchase choices.

Then there are the Italian / Brazil / EU shoes. It turns out another thing the Italians do really well are making and designing shoes for women. Like a lot of things, you get what you pay for in many ways.

Can’t say I’m really into purses. Many women are deep into purses and they can be a status symbol for women. I usually go for something that matches what I’m wearing.

Recently I discovered a Jovovich-Hawk dress a Loemann’s that I had to have which got me curious as to who this designer might be, It turns out, they are quite the fashion success story..

I have also learned over the years that being a tallish woman has its advantages when it comes to fashion. There are many things that simply look better on a tallish woman and I’m guessing it comes from the models that are typically 5’8” and taller. I have a number of women friends who are less than 5’4” and they tell me many times how they wished they were my height. My problem with getting many things to fit are boobage, they are just a bit bigger than what most clothes are cut for. If I go up a size, many times the proportions are wrong. The waist and bottom gets too big and it simply sits on my body wrong. Length is usually not a problem for me as nearly everything I try on ends up at about the right length. Being a current size USA 8-10 (it’s never accurate and varies by style, designer and etc), which is a very typical and common size and sought after. This can make shopping challenging due to the popularity of this size range.

There was a time when I avoided wearing heels due to my height, but even that is changing. There are social and fashion driven reasons why women wear heals the way they do. There was a study done recently that shows many professional women will put on a pair of “power heels” for an important meeting. Its one of the ways women increase their sense of power by using height.

Over the years, I have cultivated a fashion sense that fits me and what I wear has now become such an expression of me on any given day. This is one of the fun and interesting aspects of what women wear, it really is an extension of who they are in many, many ways.

Fall and winter is near and I’m going to do a few more rounds of shopping for these seasonal clothes. Gosh, I spend too much $$$$$ on clothes…

The Real Value Of Our Technological History

2008-09-01T21:14:00.001-07:00

September 1, 2008

I had a chat with a friend / college who works at General Electric Nuclear Energy division who has been working there as a contractor for the past few years. Since the time he started, GEN got a new regional manager who got the brilliant idea of moving the entire operation to NC against the wishes of the vast majority of the staff. Adding insult to injury, he instated many oppressive requirements for all staff and just about anyone working there. It was not surprising that some of their most important staff members got fed up and moved. Keep in mind many of these engineers and scientists are not easily or replaceable as much of what they know is no longer taught in colleges or universities due to the public perception that nuclear power is evil and bad. The current crop of management graduates view human resources as nothing more than just a number and commodity which is why management treats staff and employees as a replaceable and disposable item. GEN recently bid on two power plants in TX and they lost the bid to Westinghouse. Losing this bid caused GEN’s partner Hitachi to investigate why this happened. Hitachi Japanese management was not pleased to discover what this district manager did while he was in charge over the past few years. He was fired on the spot by Hitachi management after Hitachi management figured out what happened. Hitachi now has big mess to deal with as the most important members of their staff got hired away by a French Nuclear Energy company or Westinghouse Nuclear. Once the French Nuclear Energy Company head about what was happening at GEN, they opened up a facility where these folks wanted to live, gave them a raise and bonus and they now work for the French.. It will be interesting to see if GEN can even bid on any new plant construction since they have lost the ability to design a nuclear power plant. They still have existing contracts to keep them busy for a while, but that won’t last forever. IMO, General Electric Nuclear division’s days are numbered… GEN is not alone in this technical brain drain. Hewlett Packard, Tektronix, Eastman Kodak, and many other cooperation are dumping their seasoned and experienced staff and replacing them with less expensive personnel and you see the results of this in the products they produce and sell. HP printers and instrumentation that were once considered a good, high quality product with real value and customer support has now been reduced to disposable junk. There is talk that HP might get out of the printer business due to competition. So much for Bill Hewlett’s efforts that got HP into the printer business. Tektronix now builds disposable instrumentation that is not user repairable, no service documentation, no parts support just warranty and if it stops working post warranty, ya throw it away. My Kenwood car CD player lasted 30 days post warranty before the rear channels quit and some of the front panel controls no longer work. It’s not repairable and the fix is to “get a new one”. The original SAAB / Clarion unit lasted for over 10 years. Speaking of SAABs, my 1991 9000 turbo has almost 330,000 miles on it. Everything works and is repairable, durable and properly designed. I would drive this car cross country with no worries as it has been properly maintained since I purchased it in 1994 from the original owner. They simply don’t build SAABs like this anymore. It was a dark day when GM got partial ownership of SAAB. Another once great engineering company with sound long tern values now builds up market disposable cars. No wonder why SAABs are not selling very many cars these days. To make things worst, GM fired and got rid of many significant staff members to “cut cost”. I suspect SAAB no longer has the creative and engineering ability it once had which will add to the companies demise. It’s all part of the disposable, consumable product ideology where a product sells on perceived need and marketing rather than actual value to the customer and meeting their real needs. Fact is, the throwaway capitalist driven society and culture is not sustainable over the long run. Growth is not endless, yet constant growth is at the core of the capitalist model for economic growth. The current world human population is about 6.4 billion and one must wonder how the earth’s resources could continue to support this population and beyond. The disposable and built in obsolesce ideology is not sustainable plan and simple. The knowledge and specific expertise individuals have should be preserved and respected and properly utilized by future generations.

Same Sex Marriage in CA

2008-05-15T16:42:00.000-07:00

Well, today the California Supreme Court ruled that Same Sex Marriage IS legal and the definition of marriage is not limited to a "Man and Woman".

It was not too long ago when it was illegal in the state of California for inter-racial couples to marry. That law was struck down not too long ago also.

Historically, marriage was more about property rights, perpetuation of the family name and wealth and little if anything about love. Much of Jane Austen's work is about love, wealth and marriage.

Honestly, I was truly surprised by the CA Supreme Court's ruling that same sex marriage is unconstitutional. This is a historically significant day for the LGBTI community indeed.

I must mention Shannon Minter, the legal director for the National Center for Lesbian Rights who argued with such convincing passion before the Supreme Court on behalf of 14 same-sex couples. I honestly believe his testimony made a significant difference in the out come of this case. Shannon Minter is also a Trans Man and I feel much of the LGBTI community owes a word of thanks to Shannon for his passion and commitment to uphold the legal rights of the LGBTI community. His achievement is just another in the long list of contributions to culture and society that many other gender different individuals have given to the world we live in.

There are those who oppose same sex marriage for what ever reason. The majority of these individuals do so based on religious interpretation by their religious leaders of their time. Much this opposition is based on fear and ignorance. They claim same sex marriage devalues their opposite sex marriage, when in fact how could this be? Are they really saying that same sex couples are "not as good or as valuable as opposite sex couples"? They oppose same sex marriage based on pro-creation, fact is, many, many opposite sex couples are unable to conceive children. These religious leaders have used the FEAR card and a means to unite their kind against other not like them. It should also be noted that many of these religious folks have a higher divorce rate than same sex couples.

There is also the core problem of defining what is a Man or what is a Woman? Not so simple....Not black and white....

So, does this mean there will be wedding bells for Jen and I, well, maybe.. just maybe..Oh! yea, I'm pretty happy about the Supreme Court ruling...It's about time.

Surprise Gift

2008-04-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

I visited my folks to day to see how they were doing. Dad's health is good, but mum is not well. She has reached a point where her mobility is limited, sleeps most of the time and her overall energy level is not good. I did what I could to comfort her during my visit.

After giving my dad a hug, he presented me with a precious white opal ring much to my surprise. I did not want to accept it at fist, but he insisted and I tried it on my ring finger. It was a bit small (likely a size 7.5) to fit past my knuckle. If I pressed a bit, I'm certain the ring would go on my finger except it would be a tight fit and I did not want to take a chance of not being able to get this ring off. A slight re-size and this ring should fit fine. The precious white opal stone is about 12mm long x 9mm wide, quite iridescent and colorful dependent on viewing angle and set in a simple oval gold ring. Pretty! This is also my birth stone and the first honestly feminine gift from my dad. I have never been much of a ring wearer in the past. I never wore my wedding band after the day we were married. I will very likely wear this ring in the future as remembrance of my dad's first girly gift to me. This is one gift to cherish in my future.

Gender Different Youth

2008-03-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

Gender Different Youth
March 16, 2008

"Your Children are not Your Children"

They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

© Kahlil Gibran, 1923, 1973.

There have been a number of violent deaths involving gender different youth in the news recently and another story about a child in Colorado who is attending school as who she knows herself to be. I have mentioned elsewhere in my Blog that there will likely come a day when those who transition gender later in life will become a rarity and those who transition gender before puberty will become the norm. There are parents who feel the need to impose themselves, their ability to control, their dreams, their wishes in life upon their children as expectations and never really allow their children to discover who they really are and allow them to fully develop their in-born gifts. The poem above illustrates a bit of wisdom about children from a different place and time, regardless, these words still hold true to this day and should be words parents should consider when relating to their children gender different or not.

It seems gender different children suffer from great difficulties in their daily lives simply trying to just be who they really are. They face, ridicule, harassment from their peers and parents, at times various forms of physical violence and even death as a result of physical violence or suicide. It is no surprise that gender different youth have a very high suicide rate due to the difficulties in life. Their lives grow increasingly more difficult if their parents fail to support who they simply need to be, and not who they are expected to be. Many children feel the need please their parents, which puts very difficult stressed on children to meet their parent’s demands or expectations. For those gender different youth that are fortunately well supported by their parents, they have the best chance to find happiness in life, and well knowing they have the love and support of their parents and their parents will always be there from them. The lives of gender different youth who don’t have good support from their parents or disapproval or become dis-owned many times end up on the streets living the street culture and often find a path into sex work as a means of food and shelter, it’s a matter of survival for these kids.

It is time for parents to accept the fact their children can be born gender different and there are ways to help their gender different children to grow up as who they are meant to be and develop all the gifts they were born with to share with the society and culture they live in.

I attended the 3rd Annual Transgender Leadership Summit this weekend. It was wonderful to meet and chat with long time friends in the gender community and meeting some new faces too. The times when the topic of gender different youth came up in casual conversation, the conversation became more serious and those I spoke with share their experiences of helping gender different youth. It still amazes me to hear how these gender different youth have the courage to simply be “out” before their teens and the challenges they face living this way. Social conformity is and can be a very cruel thing, yet, these youth feel so compelled to simply be who they need to be and are honest about living this way. Their parents should be given an award for supporting their children to this degree.

While the social aspects of gender different youth are just one of the man challenges they face, the prospect of puberty is a much more daunting one. Delaying puberty required medical intervention, a procedure that is stepping in the world of unknown for the vast majority of health care providers. Doctors like Norman Spack, M.D were ridiculed by his fellow colleges when he initially dove into the world of treating gender different children with sex hormone blockers and cross sex hormone therapy. About one year later, that same group of colleges asked Dr. Norman Spack to help write protocols for the hormonal management of gender different children.

There was a time when it was believed gender variance in children is a passing phase and in time, their minds, heart and soul will grow into their physical bodies, some do, but many don’t. It is time for the health care profession to come to a realization that gender different youth are very capable of deciding what they need regarding medical intervention. While parents are legally responsible for the health and welfare of their children, denying medical procedures that can make a HUGE difference in the lives of these gender different children can easily cause more harm to then over time. Medical intervention to delay puberty in gender different youth is no longer considered medical quackery, medical experimentation or ineffective. It has been proven to make a very significant difference in the lives of gender different children.

Here is an article that appeared in the SF Chronicle a while ago
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/08/27/MNGL2KQ8H41.DTL

And a good video about trans Youth, “Out Of The Shadows”
http://www.transactiveonline.org/

Health Net, Not health Care

2008-02-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

February 24, 2008

There was a recent news story about a Breast cancer patient, Patsy Bates who was dropped from Health Net’s health care insurance policy when Health net discovered it was less of a finical burden to deny cancer treatment of this patient. This patient sued, and while she recovered $750,00 dollars for her claim, the judge, Sam Cianchetti leveled a penalty of 8.9 million dollars as punitive judgment against Health Net. I’m not happy about the lawyers getting 8.9 million dollars for this case, but I do feel the punitive judgment against Health Net should come from the personal finical funds of all those involved in the decision to drop this patient from health care coverage and the majority of this judgment coming from Health Net Chief Executive Jay Gellert.

Nataline Sarkisyan, the 17 year old who died from a decision not cover the cost of a liver transplant by Cigna HealthCare due to what they consider as procedure was experimental and outside the scope of coverage only to approve coverage shortly after a mass protest from health care workers and doctors at UCLA. Their decision to approve funding came hours after Nataline died.

Blue Cross sent out a letter to the doctors who are part of their network to disclose their health conditions so Blue Cross could decide if coverage should be denied or if the specific patient could be dropped from health care coverage. Basically, Blue Cross wants all health care providers to violate the agreement of trust between patient and doctor.

Arnold Swartz_Hummer wants to make the process of applying for Medi-Care more complex and burdened with government bureaucracy to prevent individual in need of care from getting it in an effort to save money. It was not long ago when Swartz_Hummer wanted to provide universal coverage for all who live in California. Hypocrite! Like every other politician who survives who are products of political Darwinism.

The California Department of Managed care, seems to be powerless to do anything about this kind of cruel cooperate behavior, if anything, they seem to encourage this specific kind of behavior rather than prevent and hold these health care providers accountable and responsible for what they do. From my personal experience with DHMC, they are a bunch of buffoons and paper pushers with no interest in the well being of health insurance /HMO subscribers.

Every one of these individuals share no personal responsibility for their cooperate or government actions and or cares about what happens to the well being or health of society as a whole. It seems that they are concerned about is making gobs of dollars or saving more dollars. The USA spends lots of money on the health car system only to receive poor ratings for actual health care provided when compared to other developed countries in the world. Fact is, the health care system in the USA is simply broken. A good part of the blame falls directly on the shoulders of lawyers. They have encouraged patients to sue at times for un-reasonable problems that were the part of the course of treatment. On the other hand, lawyers are well justified in supporting the rights of patients in the case of Health Net where they choose to drop a cancer patient from health care coverage. IMO, the settlement should have come directly from the personal wealth of every individual in the decision tree who set up, “find a reason to drop any member and receive a reward for this effort.” I’m pretty sure lawyers are why a friend who is a facial surgeon pays $90,000 each year for mal-practice insurance, that was back in the early 1980’s. Doctors and other health care providers appear to be en-slaved by greedy robber baron management, investors, CEOs and government.

The lack of balance is the real problem here. There are health care providers that are for profit like Health Net, Blue Cross and others who simply see this as another business that must grow and produce a profit number that meets investor expectations. These CEO’s hold no personal responsibility or is affected in any real way by how they treat their health insurance members, which is one of the primary reasons why they are so disconnected from their actions, and most always driven by greed and desire. Regardless of what their actions might be, they will receive their “golden dollars retirement” which many times are in the millions of dollars. As vindictive as this sounds, it might be good for these CEO’s to suffer from some sort of chronic health condition and denied coverage to treat it due to their policymaking. These individuals have become the modern version of the robber barons of the past. How little humanity has grown up or matured.

It is no wonder why health insurance companies generally refuse to cover gender related health care. It always comes down to dollars and where they can make a profit. All this is pretty similar to management making engineering design decisions where they have no expertise in these areas; it almost always results in a disaster. There is nothing to hold these individuals responsible or accountable for their actions and the way government is currently setup, it seems to encourage this repulsive behavior of these morally bankrupt CEO’s and management.

Janeite

2008-02-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

February 15, 2008

I’m wondering if I have become a Janeite. It was not long ago when my long time interest in Victorian costuming brought me in touch with an artist who makes period correct clothing and a conversation around a 1980’s BBC production of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice happened. This BBC mini-series got purchased and we watched the entire mini-series in a few days. I was entranced by the literary work in many ways. Not only did Jane’s P&P touch a part of my soul, it brought to light the place in English society women held back in the day that mirrors many of the current beliefs we have regarding marriage to this day.

In Jane’s time, women depended upon her male relatives or husband for her survival among many other social rules that were the norm. This meant that her very survival and her future quality of life depended much on whom she married. Women had few rights of inheritance during that time in history. This was also one of the primary factors of what made marriage in that time a business; it was nearly always about property rights and less about love. One of the on going themes in Jane’s stories were the choices a woman makes about love, money, property rights and marriage. Women were generally not educated beyond what we consider elementary school today and were expected to run a home, have and care for children, entertain the family home with her musical and artistic talents, obey and serve her husband. Much of women’s fashion from that time evolved around helping her to be desirable enough to attract a man of wealth, social status and reputation for her future life was at stake. Balls public and private were battlefields of the marriage game. These social and cultural rituals are what shaped our view of marriage to this very day. It also highlights the meaning of male privilege and female dependency on her male spouse.

In the current debate over same sex marriage, one must keep in mind and consider the realities of property and inheritance rights that are business of marriage, which has nothing to do with the love shared between any couple. Property rights are the same reasons some men who are sworn into some western religious service take on the oath of celibacy. The current political belief marriage being about family and limited to a "Man & Woman" completely discounts the historical context and business of marriage in the western and eastern world. The definition of man vs woman is far from black and white regardless of what some individuals might believe.

What has drawn me so much to Jane’s literary work is her insight into the human condition and her understanding of individuals as portrayed in her stories. What Jane wrote about during the early 1800’s is still basically true to this very day. It is another example of how little humanity has changed and how much we can learn about the human condition from historical art and literature. It as also got me wondering about Jane’s own life and what might have happened if she lived past her 40’s and if her sister Cassandra did not make a bond fire with the thousands of letters written by Jane.

Masterpiece Theater has been running a series of Jane Austen’s work, all 6 of her most well known works and we have been watching this series. The productions do take liberties with her literature as most screen interpretations do, regardless; Jane’s literary genus still comes shining thru. These productions take me on an emotional roller coaster ride along with being able to have a small window into what life could have been like during that time in merry old England.

My current interesting in all things Jane Austen was the furthest thing from my mind when I decided to take up my interest in period correct Victorian clothing again. I just goes to show each road we follow in life’s journey can lead to a very surprising place with a very rewarding experience along the way.

Life’s Beginnings, Life’s End

2007-10-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

Life’s Beginnings, Life’s End
October 9, 2007

Two weekends ago, we went to a friend’s wedding in Las Vegas. While Vegas is a place where, “a little bit goes a long way” and it is not one of my favorite places to spend time, it was where my friend planned to get married. Vegas is really Fantasy Land on an over done scale where gambling, drinking, smoking and pleasures of the flesh becomes reality for some. It continues to evolve and grow in every way with each hotel trying their best to out do each other in their efforts to lure visitors with the hopes of these visitors leaving Vegas their money.

My friend and I met on line years ago; she is also a Dr. Meltzer girl. We helped each other during the recovery process by offering emotional support for each other and I helped her by sharing my experiences with surgery since I was a few procedures ahead of her and offered some medical advice from my doctor friends. Over time, our relationship grew very close in many ways. She shared with me her joyful and difficult times with dating men. How a good number of them were such pigs and others were prince charming in every way. We shared about our children, their lives and challenges of being a parent. We shared about how our ex spouses mis-understood and abused us emotionally. We had so much in common and so much to share. There were days when hours would pass while we talked on the phone. Eventually, she told me her current guy friend asked for her hand in marriage and presented her with a diamond engagement ring. She accepted and their wedding plans were made to have their wedding in Vegas since most their families are live in many different states and his side of the family has never been to Vegas.

When we met for the first time in Vegas, it was like meeting an old friend I have not seen a years. In many ways, we kind of picked up where we left off except we were talking face to face and our body language added to our conversation. On her wedding day, she got ready for the wedding in our hotel room, hair, make-up specialist arrived and when they were done, we shared a moment together with me helping her get dressed in her wedding gown. We held each other and shared a silent tear together as we both knew of the long and difficult journey we have both traveled to get to where we are today. It was a moment of intimate sisterhood bonding and a moment to admire her beauty as a bride to be. This was a special moment of happiness we shared together. I will forever remember how special it is to share this moment with a close friend.

The three of us walked to the wedding chapel in the Vegas hotel where her hubby to be and our families were waiting. With hubby to be waiting at the alter, minister at his side, one of her guy friends walked her down the aisle and their wedding ceremony began. It was a short ceremony with their minister guiding them along the process until they reached a point in their ceremony where they exchanged the vows they wrote for each other. Hubby to be choked up with emotion from the words that came from his heart and wife to be shed a joyful tear as she read her loving words fro her heart to her hubby to be. I sat there with memories of all shared together that brought us up to this moment in out lives and could not help but cry tears of joy for the newly wed couple, man and wife. After the ceremony, came lots of photos and congratulations from all who attended. When all was done, my married friend headed back up to my hotel room for her to change into her traditional red Chinese dinner gown and we all headed over to the restaurant for dinner. The banquet was held in Chinese tradition with 9 courses, noodles for good luck at the end and wedding cake for desert. In short time, the day was done and we all headed back to our hotel rooms after such a long and eventful day.

Jen and I stayed in Vegas a few days after the wedding and visited various hotels along the main strip. This was Jen’s first visit to Vegas and we both had a good time in Fantasy Land even with all the walking we had to do.

Back in August, I got a phone call from a friend that has not called in quite a while. There must be something wrong from the sound of her voice. She told me our mutual friend Kelly Ann was killed on her motorcycle over the weekend. I was very surprised and shocked at the same time, as I knew Kelly’s life had come back together so well after such a difficult transition years earlier. Kelly Ann was also a Dr. Meltzer girl. It turns out that Kelly as waiting at a red stoplight and some nutzoid driver rear-ended her due his careless driving. This driver also killed a pedestrian, and smashed several cars in the process. I met Kelly’s family at her memorial and shared a few moments down memory lane with Kelly’s sister. This death has been very difficult for me to take, as Kelly was a single parent with two children. While they are both in their early adulthood, they made life difficult for Kelly during her transition. Regardless of how Kelly’s children made life difficult for her, Kelly was always the stability in their lives. It was not until these recent years her children began to appreciate all that she had done for them over the years. I could not stop the feeling of loss and the power my emotions when I visited Kelly at the funeral home, I just cried and cried from the loss of a friend along this journey.

Back in May, we went to both Loreena Mc Kennitt’s concerts and there is a song by Loreena, Dante’s Paryer, which always comes to mind during difficult, times like this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dante's Paryer
Loreena Mc Kennitt

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone
I did not believe because
I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars
Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless

Please remember me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first time I hear this song, it really stuck with me as it carries such a message of hope in during the most difficult moments in life’s journey.

My memories of Kelly Ann and my newly married friend are special moments in my life, forever engraved in my memory, and in my soul. These are snippets of what our lives are like years post transition, our lives are in every way just like many other members of the human family.

The IPod Generation

2007-03-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

March 4, 2007

Last year our daughter got an IPod. It started with a generic MP3 player and eventually, she got the current fashion in personal musical entertainment. The age of music downloads has pretty much become the main stream of the music business. The previous generation was the Sony Walkman generation and before that it was portable radios. While the technology for enjoying the musical experience has evolved along with the current trends in music, I don’t believe the quality of music on these personal playback devices have significantly improved. The ease of accessing musical selections has improved, but sound quality has actually become worst. The downward spiral of recorded music started with the introduction of digital audio, or the CD revolution. Back then, there was much heated debate over vinyl or CD sound quality. In time, a tiny amount of vinyl records are still produced to this day. The vast majority of recordings were released on CD to this day with downloaded music moving in to take its place as the primary musical distribution. The CD was a Sony / Phillips joint venture and according to marketing research at the time, they discovered that it was the rainbow of colors from the read back side of the disc would be the key factor to its market success. The ease of storage and track selection was other factors that made CDs become the primary choice. As for sound quality, most early digital recordings were AWFUL! Much of the recording industry started from ground up when digital recording became the format of choice. Sony was giving away, “Perfect Sound Forever!” Tee Shirts at the Consumer Electronics Show back then. Most CD users now know they can skip and are far from being problem free. High quality vinyl records on a high quality playback system sound better than even the very best CD player. Most music listeners never have a chance to hear just how good those vinyl records can sound. There have been a few attempts to improve the sound digital recordings, SACD, DVD-audio and now Blue ray audio. None have been successful in the market place for a host of reasons. One of the primary ones is distribution, very few music stores will be willing to double stock two versions of a given release and the other is playback compatibility, copy guard and money greedy corporations are among other reasons why these alternative formats died. MP3 is another step backward for sound quality relative to CDs.

I believe most music listeners today don’t have a good point of reference of what good sound is. Every live musical performance includes a PA system that is always WAY TOO LOUD. At nearly every one of these performances, I end up with ear plugs to make the loudness of the performance bearable. What a way to experience a, “live concert.” If this is the point of reference most music fans have today, it’s no wonder why the poor sound quality of MP3 is so well accepted. These high sound levels are bad for hearing over time. It would not surprise me if the current generation will need hearing aids at an early age. Invest now in hearing aid companies as I do believe they will be doing well in the near future.

The playback system of choice these days is the computer; many individuals listen to music from their computers which are not the ideal way to hear music. It is fine for background and getting an idea of what the music might sound like, but it is far from what the musical experience can offer.

Home HiFi components have not really improved in sound quality in many years. Few really know how good a music system can sound. In this day of internet sales with no guidance for setting up a serious sound system, many listeners do not get the best possible sound quality from the components they currently own. With all the factors going against better recorded music sound these days, the future for a better musical experience is not good.

Looking Back

2007-01-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

January 18, 2007

It has been an eventful year for me. About 12 months ago, we were getting ready for our trip back to Scottsdale for my hopefully last surgery date. I was so stressed over the procedures scheduled, but in the end, it all worked out better than expected. Since then, my recovery had been complete with no significant problems. I’m really happy that part of my journey is done for now. During the summer and fall, I finally got back to some where closer to my normal fitness level and body weight which was a really good thing as all those surgical procedures requires more time for recovery than one might expect. I had a physical with my regular doc during the late fall and all is very well. I get my girl exam with my gyno each spring and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer during the summer of 2006, she had surgery and a course of chemo. All appeared well for months after her last chemo treatment. I continued to visit her as often as possible as there is no prediction of how much longer she will be with us. Over the days, weeks and months of my visits with her, I have come to understand and appreciated what my mom and dad have given me over the years. It is un-escapable that much of my compassion, stubbornness, passion and so many other aspects of mom's personality has become part of who I am today. If not for our parents giving us the gift of life, all of our life’s experiences, be they good or bad exist due to them blessing us with the gift of life. In return, we carry part of their personality and DNA with us. What we inherit from our parent’s personalities is tempered with our own personalities and who we are in this world. One of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is allowing them to discover and truly to be who they really are in this world with their love and support.

My dad continues to care for mom, he is also I his 80’s, but in far better physical condition. My relationship with dad has been a rocky one. He was an only child, spoiled from his father who owned a bar in the US during the early part of this century and sent money back to him in China. He drank too much, womanized, gambled, and lived a life I would never consider. This and a host of other reasons are part of why I never really emotionally connected with my dad during much of my youth. So much has changed since then, in many ways, mom’s current health condition has changed him. I think after my dad watched mom’s condition progress the way it has over these past few years, it has taught him compassion and what it means to love and be loved by others. We have shared more conversations than anytime in our history these days when I visit them. I hug my folks a lot these days. There will be a time when they will both be gone and I’m going to miss them both terribly. Losing your parents is never easy no matter how they might have treated you in the past. Just like one’s children, letting go of the ones you love most is never easy.

Jen and I continue to share the things we enjoy, cycling together, cooking, working on our cars, watching TV and the list goes on. It is amazing to think we have been together for nearly 7 years now. While we began as just friends, either one of us ever expected or predicted that we would be where we are today. Recently a few of my friends have found their soul mate too. One of them got engaged on new years eve, much to her surprise. It was only a short time ago when my friends felt love would never come their way, but love discovered them when they least expected it to happen. I’m so happy for them :)

Back in November, Loreena McKennitt finally released a new recording, “An Ancient Muse” after nearly 10 years. I got that recording once it was available. My discovery of her music happened one day while listening to the radio during the morning drive, a song came on the radio like none I have ever heard and the voice and music totally caught my attention. I had to find out who this artist was; it turned out to be Loreena McKennitt. That was in 2004. Since then, I have purchased every one of her recordings and listen to her all the time. In all my years of involvement with music, I have never been so smitten by any artist or musician or composer. Over the years, I have played a good number of musical instruments, including classical guitar, learned much about music theory, sang in a choir, and listened to just about every kind of music from classics to jazz to pop to anything that sounded interesting, except for what I discovered in Loreena’s music. It is simply different from anything I have experienced before in such a positive way.

After spending much time listening to An Ancient Muse, I decided to try and learn more about Loreena. It turns out her music reflect much of her values in life. It is one thing to be a talented and successful musician, it is totally different when you run a recording label, find time to purchase, help preserve, restore an old school house slated to be torn down and turn it into a community family center, support a water rescue organization, help with aspiring young musical talents, be awarded three honorary doctorate degrees and the order of Canada award and more.

While browsing the Quinlan Road web page one day, there was a section where Loreena talks about herself: http://www.quinlanroad.com/aboutus/lmintro.asp at the end of the story, she states a number of her values and principles in life and I was surprise to find so many of them mirror my own. I’m sure these are some of the reasons why her music made such a connection with me.

A Different World

2006-10-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

September 17, 2006

Mom has been back from the hospital for quite a while now, pretty well recovered from her surgery and doing well after the first rounds of Chemo. She is doing amazingly well for an 81-year-old woman. Earlier this week when I visited my folks, they were watching an episode of “The Monkey King” this is a classic Chinese tale of the monkey king god who was summoned to guide a Buddhist priest towards the west to retrieve a special set of scriptures. It remains one of my favorite classics stories to this day. The three of us sat together watching this DVD in the living room. Some times it is surprising to discover the things I share with my folks at home. These days, I visit mom about once a week and I think of her all the time. Fact is, her time here is short and before long, she will no longer be with us. Being a parent and watching our children grow up does help me related to my mom’s experiences of being a parent, regardless, I know her life of being a mom to 7 children and the challenges she had to deal with made life very difficult for her, regardless mom always loved us in ways that still I’m still only beginning to understand. My journey as a parent is still beginning.

I was very saddened by the news of problems with Hewlett / Packard’s chairwoman, I see this as another example of what is wrong with big corporations today. My personal history with HP goes back many years. Family members have worked there and I almost ended up working there when I graduated. There was a time when HP was more of a family than just another for profit compamy. During my childhood, my brother would take me to the HP Company BBQ where Dave and Bill were part of those who served food to HP employees. It was a company who respected individuals for their skills and what they can contribute to the HP family. HP delivered a quality product to their customers with long term value and support. Such a contrast to a HP FAX, copier, printer, scanner machine purchased at one of my work places. This machine’s fuser expired two months past its warranty. Not only did the fuser in the printer section die, but it caused the short which caused the power supply to fail resulting in the machine losing all of its memory. The repair cost was 65% of a new machine and I’m pretty sure in short time, this machine will fail again. The construction is a wonder of plastic, it is designed and built to be tossed into the garbage heap shortly after the warranty has passed with the idea of forcing the user to purchase a new one.. HP did not build products like this in when Dave and Bill was in charge. I’m so put off by what they build these days that I refuse to purchase a current HP product. Dave Packard wrote a book “ The HP way” before he passed on which tells the story of HP during those years. They were one of the companies which were the foundation of Silicone Valley. Other companies like Varian, Fairchild, and Ampex were also the beginnings of Silicone Valley and ex employees from these companies started other companies in SV including Intel, Apple and many others. The technological forest was happening in Oregon with companies like Tektronix and Boeing. Tektronix was a founded by Jack and Howard and another with company with humanistic values like HP back in the day. During the mid 80’s Tektronix's published a book, “The First 40 Years of Tektronix by Marshall M. Lee” which chronicles much of the history of Tek, it's founders values and their reasons for being in the electronic instrumentation business. It was not motivated profit alone, building the best Oscilliscopes, great customer support, a quality product with a long service life, treating their employees well and taking care of them where all part of their values. John and Howard did not want a big company, in many ways, they tried to retard the growth of Tek, but market demand for what they built and other forces made Tek grow out of John and Howard's hands.

The introduction of the Personal Computer and digital electronics changed the electronics industry in ways that were not always good. There was a time when explosive growth and extreme returns on investment were expected from the “Tech Industry”. In time that bubble burst and bad times hit the Tech industry. The current idea of “off shoring” manufacturing and design of many technology products in the belief that going this direction is less expensive and more profitable runs in the minds of many CEOs. They don’t realize the problems of communications between designers and what is involved with product design and development. Many CEOs today do not truly understand the nature of what they build and only see what they build as simple numbers. So many products done today are looked upon as a simple commodity to meet marketing expectation for the short term. There are cultural differences that affect the design and production process which could end up costing more to develop a marketable product or total failure due to poor understanding by both parties involved with the process of product design and development. It is sad to see the greedy side of humanity become the driving force of investors, consumers or product users. It is also one of the ideas behind “More is Better” one look at many consumer electronics and the user might find gobs of features which add little real value to the end users real needs. Honest products that truly address the needs of its user are un-common these days and if the user expects the product to deliver a very long service life and is designed to be repaired rather than replaced, it’s considered un-fashionable.

Quiet Courage

2006-07-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

July 16, 2006
Quite Courage.

Last weekend Jen and I attended an awards dinner for API families. This event was for API LGTBI children who wished to honor their parents and family after they have reached a place of acceptance, understanding and love. There were many touching moments sharing these stories of struggle and love from these parents for their LGBTI children and their families. The success of these children’s relationship with their parents points to the cultural difference between western families and those of API history. In many Asian Cultures, families are the core of an individual’s reason for existence. The family name is place first in any Chinese name and illustrates the importance of family name in this culture. Family first, individuality second. Children are a parent’s “Social Security” in many Asian cultures which one of the reasons why Asian parents are willing to invest so much in their children. One of my favorite movies, “The Joy Luck Club (Amy Tan)” Tells the story of relationships between mothers and daughters within the context of Chinese history and culture. Once an understanding of the differences between cultures has been learned, it becomes apparent that the western way of “Out, Loud and Proud” does not fit the needs of API families. Family name holds a lot of status within an API community; it is partly due to the close knit nature of these communities. It goes back to this ways of life in a small village where just about everyone who lives in a given village is related in some way. Coming out as LGBTI will almost always smear the family name in a negative way and the shame associated with this is bad for the entire family. It takes quiet courage for the LGBTI child and parent to work thru the process of dealing with these life realties. In every parent and family member who spoke at the awards dinner about their children, the love for their children is so apparent. They have come to a place of understanding this is part of who they are and still love their children regardless of how they have been born or how society views them. It’s a good feeling to know my efforts within this organization can make a difference in these families and individuals.

A few weeks ago my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had surgery shortly after the diagnosis and is now back home from the hospital. At 81 years old, recovery has been difficult for her. She has other health problems on top of the cancer. Fact is, my mom is near the end of her life.

Life has not been easy for her. Born in China and married off when she was 16 or 18 years old by an arranged marriage to my dad. Her village was invaded by the Japanese during World War 2. When mom was younger, she shared her stories of what the Japanese solders did to the villagers and how she narrowly escaped death. If not for her sister who immigrated to Hong Kong years earlier and a few years later she immigrated to America, our family would not be where we are today here in the America. After JFK and congress passed the open door policy in the early 1960’s our family was able to immigrate to America with her sponsorship. My dad’s father owned a salon in Sacramento around the turn of the century and sent money back home to his family in China. Every few years, we visit the place where grandfather has been laid to rest in Sacramento.

Growing up first generation and impoverished in the ghetto of Chinatown has shaped my personality and is part of what makes me who I am today. Life is not always easy for first generation immigrants. Life was always a struggle for our family to make ends meet and put food on the table during those early years. My parents sacrificed so much for the life we have today. Over these past few years, I have come to realize how much of my mom’s personality I share with my sisters and so little with my brothers. There will always be a part of our mom that lives within us.

As a parent, mom was always supportive of what I wanted to do in life and did what she could to help us find our place in life. I have also come to realize the way I have parented our children is similar to the way she treated me as a child growing up. I was the youngest of seven children and her favorite child. Mom always worried about me and my future. She is still here with us, but even so, I’m already missing her in so many ways. It feels like part of me is leaving with her. When we enter this world, our parents care for us until we are old enough to care for ourselves and as our parents grow older, we can become their care takers. Such is the cycle of life.

Jen’s mom passed away just over a year ago and we visited and cared for her before she passed on. Now, I’m doing much of the same for my mom. I still think of and miss Jen’s mom soul and sprit. It only seems much more difficult the second time around with my mom even with the experience from going thru this with Jen’s mom.

Not too long ago, I asked my dad to give and change my previous Chinese name to a feminine Chinese name. While it’s been over 6 years since my legal name change. At that time, I had never imagined requesting anything like this from my parents. Much to my surprise, my dad presented me with a feminine Chinese name recently. In many ways, this is a huge step in my parents recognizing and acceptance of their third daughter in the family and a very significant event in our lives. Chinese names begin with the family name, then a middle name and a last name. My family name is the same as before, middle name is the same as my other sisters and my last name roughly translated to “floating clouds”. My dad decided on this as the last part of my name since his impression of me was one who tended to float freely about which is not too far from the way I am. One day, I would like to honor my parents for the love, acceptance and support they have given me over the years.

Bra Shopping

2006-05-16T21:59:00.000-07:00

May 16, 2006

It’s been over three months post breast augmentation for me and the time is near when I’m back into wearing a bra again. I decided to go try some on to see what size I’m currently and what brand and styles fit and look good on me. My usual bra shopping routine is to pick out a bunch of bras that appear to fit and pretty too. Pre-BA, my favorite brand was Chantelle, size 36B. These bras are made in France and Euro size bras tend to run slightly smaller than US bra sizes. During a shopping trip to Nordies, I stopped by the undies department, picked out a few of my favorite Chantelle style (#2115, now #3115) a few other Chantelle styles in a 36C and one 36D. I got a few Wacoal bras of similar size and one of the sales gals set me up in a fitting room. Then I began the process of trying them on. Much to my surprise, the 36C bras were a bit small cup wise. Some of my breast tissue was overflowing at the top and the center of the bra where the under wires meet were pulling slightly away from my chest wall. When I tried on the 36D, it fit well everywhere, OMG! I asked the gal who does bra fittings to come in have a look and tell me what she though of how the bras fit. She asked if I have been measured before, I told her it’s been a while since the last time that was done, go ahead and measure me. According to what she measured, I’m 36 band size, US size ‘C+’ or Euro ‘D’. depending on brand and style. My head was rolling. I never expected that 275cc added to the girls left and right would make me a full C or D cup. I put the Chantelle 36D bra back on and the bra sales gal asked me to put on my top so we could have a look. She felt the bra fit me well and the girls look well supported. She smiled with approval and I got to agree, the “girls” look pretty darn good.

During another recent bra shopping trip, I tried on several Donna Karan and Wacoal bras. Donna Karan is a “designer label” for Wacoal. It turns out, Donna Karan bras that are sold internationally are different than the ones sold strictly for the US market in sizing. The US sized Donna Karan also DKNY and Wacoal run bigger in cup size than those sold internationally. The international label bras have international sized all on the same tag, while the US market only bras have a single size on the label. For these brands, I’m generally a 36C+. The average female in the US wears a size 36C bra, up from 34B about 10 years ago. This is also why women’s clothing from years ago are not the same as sizes today. I did purchase a few new bras from Chantelle, Wacoal and Donna Karan.

It’s been said that you typically get two bra sizes up when you do a BA, it appears the numbers worked out pretty much that way for me post-BA. They have dropped quite a bit since new and much softer than before. The best thing about my BA is they look and feel very natural (unless they are press on hard, it’s difficult to tell I have them). The revised girls look really well proportioned to my overall body size, but I’m surprise to discover my current bra size. No wonder why some of my tops are slightly tight around the girls, basically my women’s size M tops just fit and if the girls were any bigger, clothes fitting around the bust area would be a problem. I’m back in the daily bra routine now and really like the overall results in many ways.
Shopping for new undies and clothes is going to be fun. I’m already in the process of cleaning out my draws and closet so there will be room for new clothes. A good number of my gently worn bras found a new home with a few friends of the same size.

Sports bras are next on the to do list.

My Group of Mom Friends…

2006-04-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

April 16, 2006

Years before my transition, I spent a lot of time caring for our children. My social group and close friends during that time were a group of moms. It’s been over 15 years since our first child and a number of my mom friends have know me for at least that long. Some of my women friends have recently had children. One is currently pregnant with their first child. Over the years, my mom friends have cared for each others children, picked them up from school and took them home or to an event when their parents were unable to and shared lots of play dates together. We spent family dinners together with me sharing with the other moms. They told me of their relationships with their hubbies and just about everything else in their lives. They were my support group during my transition.

I though it would be interesting to share some of the events from their lives. It is a small window into the lives of a number of these women.

*Mom# 1,
She has four daughters and married to a hubby that is usually not home. He is an accountant and spends most of his time at work. When he is home, he spends little time with his children. Mom#1 has been frustrated with hubby for years and feels he should do more with his children. They don’t spend much time together sharing life or interest. In many ways, she has a pretty separate life from his. The children consume most all of her time and resources. She has little time to spend with her friends. I ask her if she is happy one day, “generally, yes, but I wish my life was more than just raising children.” Her eldest daughter is getting ready for a teen beauty contest and we have been talking about the entire thing involved with getting her daughter ready for this event. Yes, she invited me to the pageant, but at $150.00 per guest, it’s expensive. Not sure if I’m going to go yet, it’s more than I really want to spend for an event like this.

*Mom# 2,
She has two boys and married to a dentist. I knew her for my high school days and we were both very surprised our kids ended up in the same school, same class. She was a stay at home mom when their children were young and recently, she went back to work. She worked part time in the beginning and a year or so later, full time. Both her boys play on a basketball team. She still spends much of her time transporting them from practice to game. She and her hubby is a really nice couple, they spend time together when possible and they know how to take care of each other. We usually end up talking about cooking, our history and what our kids are currently doing. When our kids had play dates, we would bake or cook stuff for the kids. We spent lot of time together in her kitchen. They have been a happy married couple for over 16 years.

*Mom# 3,
She is has two girls and married to an electrician. She works from home and cares for their kids as required. Her eldest is in a girl’s basketball league. Our daughter and her daughter were really good friends during pre-school and they both ended up in the same elementary school and class. Mom#3 is great at sewing and altered clothes for me. Her youngest daughter asked me one day when she came over to play with our daughter, “Are you a boy or girl?” I replied by asking her, “What makes you a boy or girl?” She thought about this for a moment and told me, “It’s what’s on the inside that makes you a girl!” I smiles and told her she was correct. Later that night, I called her mom and talked to her about this. Mom#3 told me that she was not surprised by her daughter’s answer since they have been discussing my transition with her at home. THis happened during the first months of my transition. Her kids don’t even think about my past these days, I’m just another one of their mom’s friends in their eyes. We still chat for hours on the phone when our schedules permit. Her dear hubby has been fine with me too. They are one happy family 

*Mom# 4,
She is a law professor and married to another lawyer and they have three children. We have known each other for nearly 20 years now. Over all those years we have shared births, birthday parties, travel and a host of other events. During lunch one day, I told her of my transition and how my ex has been fighting me over custody. She was thinking of writing an article for a professional legal publication and was considering topics to write on. I shared more details of my family problems and it was then she decided to do an article on the parental rights of trans parents. A year or so later, that article was published. She gave birth to a new baby a few years ago and like her previous children, she breast fed them. Only this time, she had problems with milk supply. It was a coincidence that I was trying to inducing lactation and we shared information on this topic. I ended up lactating for a short time and discovered what it was like to do this (not always fun) and learned that my breast are mature and function in the ways that surprised me. The same meds I used to induce lactation helped Mom# 4 to increase her milk supply. We have shared more of our lives since my transition and I’m thankful for her emotional support over the years.

*Mom# 5
We met at work and initially did not spend a lot of time together in the beginning. Eventually, we ended up taking walk breaks together, lunch and doing stuff away from work. She is married and has two kids. One of them is just two years old and the other is seven, both boys. She got Breast Aug about a year before I did and we spent a lot of time during our walks talking about this. I got to watch her deal with surgery and the recovery process watched and shared how they changed over the months post-op. It turns out, nearly every mom in their family got Breast Aug and none of them had any serious problems or regrets. While know this helped comfort me during that time when I was still struggling and totally stressed out with what to do about my BA date, I was so thankful for her sharing her BA journey. She believes that I’m quite attractive and could be a man magnet due to my height, pretty face, size, hair, boobs (post-BA), personality, and wisdom, I got to say she is right. There are definitely more stares from men in public places and tendencies to start a conversation with me. She has since left where we work and went back to being a nearly full time mom. I really miss our time together as our interest and personalities were so similar. There was so much that we shared together.

There are a few more mom friends in my life, and I could go on yaking about them. It was during this time when our children grew up that I realized there was far more to my gender issues than just wanting to play dress up. Spending time caring for our children and sharing so much of my life and their lives with these other women pushed me towards the realization of who I really was. I discovered how much women share of themselves and support each other in special ways. It all felt so right for me and helped with discovering my femininity. They supported me emotionally when I felt alone when our family fell apart. They were surprised to learn of my transition and not surprised in many ways from all the times we shared together. Thinking back to my childhood, this was really an extension of my childhood friends which were mostly girls.
After meeting and talking to many other TS women who were married before transition, I discovered my history of “being one of the mom’s” is unusual. Proposing marriage to my ex in a wedding gown was unusual. Looking back, that was my way of sharing with her how I felt, but not know why at the time. She really wanted to get married, I was less than motivated. We got married because I felt this would make her happy. This was the same with having children. Later in life, I learned the hard way that you cannot make another individual happy. You can only support them in ways that could foster their own happiness. After our first born, I discovered the “mother in me”. Our first child really bonded to me since I was his primary care taker. A similar thing happened with our second child. The break-up of our family was one of the most difficult things for me, our children and my ex to deal with. That is a story for another post.

I honestly believe if Jen and I had not met, I would have tried to meet a man who was divorced or widowed with children, gotten married and lived a rather plain wife’s life. Being a mom and caring for family is one of the things that brings me great joy and happiness. I have no regrets for the life that Jen and I share today, but every time babies or children are around, the mom in me comes out. Being a mom has become so ingrained in me after caring for our children over so many years. Yes, I’m a gender stereotype of female folks, but I can’t seem to shake it or hide it regardless of my physical packaging. Only recently has my physical packaging really fit me and being at peace with me both physically and emotionally.

A Short History Lesson..

2006-04-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

April 1, 2006

My folks immigrated here in the early 60’s, I was a young child at the time. I grew up in the ghetto of San Francisco’s Chinatown. During the 70’s when I grew up, Chinatown was still a pretty closed community with many of the remnants of self-government within its borders. Many of my lonely days of childhood was spent reading and learning about Chinese history in Amerika. I visited places in Chinatown from written history. There was lots of San Francisco history I learned about in addition to Asian American history. What I learned back then has become part of the foundation of how I view the world today.

Many Chinese immigrants coming to this country during the turn of the 20th century looked to America as a land of opportunity and wealth. America was know as, “Gold Mountain” in their native china. Chinese men would come to America seeking their fortunes in what ever work they could find. Most history text books would credit the Chinese with building the railroads. The Chinese contributed too many other aspects of the Wild West that were not mentioned in these books. They opened general stores, operated farms, panned and mined for gold, and just about anything associated with country living. Many of these Chinese men never planned to stay here, most sent what they earned back home to their families with the idea they would return back home to live a better life from the wealth they earned in America. Most would never see their families again due to the actions of congress in the years ahead. Their success was scorned by their western peers. In time, congress and local governments made it their goal to eliminate the Asian plague in America. The Chinese exclusion act was passed in 1882. It was designed to severely oppress all Chinese living in America. Chinese men were not allowed to marry by law and immigration restrictions against Chinese women coming to this country were part of the government’s idea of how to eliminate the Chinese from the America population.

When Japan invaded China during world war two and China became a militarily important place in the war against Japan, Congress and military leaders understood the importance of improving relations between the US and China. This was the beginning of a huge propaganda campaign to improve the image of Chinese in America with the idea of improving US relations with China. Congress turned the Yellow Plague into the Model Minority. In time the Chinese exclusion act was repealed and immigration restrictions against Chinese were relaxed and this is one of the historical events that resulted in me and my family’s journey to America.

I write about this in the light of all the laws currently debated about the rights of those who are LGBTI. Through out human history there has always been an oppressed group. Rome was built on the backs of “barbaric slaves”. They were the cheap labor of their day. Black slaves were part of this country cheap labor force until it was outlawed before the civil war. We have “Illegal immigrants” today as cooperate cheap labor. Women’s rights were part of this struggle too. So much of human history has been about gaining wealth on the backs of servants and blaming the troubles of society on marginalized groups or individuals. They use their “morality” to justify their actions and keep marginalized groups fighting among each other wasting their resources and energy in the process. When economic empowerment is denied to an oppressed group, they have little chance of altering their position in society. Consider the economic burden to cooperate America if every same sex couples gained the same benefits of married couples. When cooperated America discovered the LGBTI segment of the population can equal dollars to the bottom line, they began to cultivate their business. Economic empowerment also means cultural and political influence. Equality means those with the most political, economic, cultural influence must give up part of their wealth and for many of them, they have no motivation to do this. There are only so many slices of American Pie for all who want some.

Pro creation and population increase equals greater support for those who are wealthy. If a religion or belief system has no followers, it would simply die. If you have every member of the population following your belief system and you are the one controlling the belief system, this will put you in a position of wealth and power.

All those pro-lifers out there crow about saving the lives of the un-born, but do little or nothing for the lives of children or adults without a home or are considered undesirable. Greater population significantly increased the demands on the earth’s resources and reduces the overall quality of life in a society.

As the world we live in grows closer by modern means of communication and transportation, every country needs to learn how to put aside the perceived differences and understand how similar we all really are. For the future survival of humanity and the human family, we need to understand each other beyond our perceived differences and care for mother earth so she can take care of humanity for now and for future generations.

7 Weeks Later....

2006-03-25T10:24:00.000-08:00

March 24, 2006

Jen and I have been watching, “The L Word” since this series began. In a recent episode, Dana the tennis pro died of breast cancer alone in the hospital. When her past lover Alice went out for a short break after staying in Dana’s room for the past few days, she found her dead upon her return. Alice was emotionally devastated. I was emotionally shocked and tearful after watching this. I felt this was the loss of a friend. What a way to present the realities of dealing with Breast Cancer. Dr. Susan Love made a cameo appearance during one episode of, “ The L Word”. She is well know for, “The Breast Book” which contains a lot of information of breast and women’s health. Dr. Love is a well known authority on the treatment of breast cancer and breast health. She is also lesbian and has a long term partner. They were involved with setting a legal standing of same sex partners who adopt children being legitimate and legal. Yes, this is a TV series, but over the years, this group of women has become a group of friends that we have come to know and shared part of their lives with. What I enjoy most about this series is how they are willing to deal with the realities of what it’s like to be a sexual minority. Max who is the female to male trans man in this series is a nice change from the way most media has portrayed trans folks in the past. We get to watch Max develop emotionally and physically. I wonder about Max’s partner Jenny and how she is going to deal with his journey.

The day after we returned home from Scottsdale was spent with Mia. It’s been a while and I missed spending time with her. It was back to work on Monday and trying to do catch up on all that was waiting for my attention.

About two weeks post-op I developed an infection on the right side of my labia minora. It cleared up after a week by keeping the area as clean as possible, changing panty liners every time after using the bathroom, keeping that area covered with Bacitracin and no underwear when possible. It is very important to keep the post LP area clean as it is easy to get an infection post op. I know of several friends who got infections post LP and needed a course of antibiotics to clear the infection. It is still swollen and numb / tender in places. The right side of my labia is more swollen than the left, I’m confident it will even out as more time passes. I have been dilating once a week with #2-3 for now. There are no problems with doing this, it’s just a chore that needs to get done. I do believe waiting longer for LP does have its advantages during the recovery process and final results. The urine stream has been pretty much problem free since March of 2005 when I was post VAG.

The post-op tape is still well attached to the bottom part of my areola. We decided to leave this on as long as possible to help reduce the possibility of a raised scar which I’m prone to develop. The implants are still pretty high, very firm and nipples are hypersensitive. I discovered that covering them with a modified pad of 3M Medipore tape makes a world of difference in reducing the hypersensitivity. I used the nipple covers from the Nordies lingerie department at first. They worked fine, but at a dollar a pair and being not reusable, they were not economical for my needs. I discovered what my BA friends described as “Morning Boob”. This is when the muscles are tight against the implant when waking in the morning. The muscle does relax once my daily activities begin.

I was able to get back on the bike at 3.5 weeks post op with sports bra on top. Even at this point of the recovery process, I really need a bra when cycling for a host of reasons. There were a few sutures near the bottom of my VAG that kept me from bicycling earlier. That area hurt from the sutures partly sticking out and when they finally came out and I was able to gently remove them. I was able to get back in the saddle after that got better. The first time back on the bike is never easy. This is pretty much what happened post VAG one year ago. One of the first rides we went on was 1.5 hours long, about 20 miles. I felt really slow, fat and out of shape pedaling the bike again. The good side of this, I can work at getting back in shape and lose the few pounds I gained over the last few weeks. My body weight is usually pretty consistent and depends on my fitness level. If there is any significant deviation from my physical activities or extra calories, my weight changes pretty fast. It is so easy to gain weight with a female endocrine system and age.

The sutures are popping and falling out at an amazing rate. It is surprising to discover how many sutures were used for LP. I have been told LP is 10% cut and trim, but 90% sewing. Each suture that appears and comes out leaves a small hole. I have been very gently removing the ones that are willing and leaving the ones that are not ready. Each one of these holes are kept as clean as possible and covered with Bacitracin. No infections from this so far. Many of my friends including Jen who had LP were surprised at the difficulty and problems with the LP recovery process. While it is not as intensive as VAG, it is still surgery and should be taken seriously with care during the recovery process. I started dilating with #3-4 again with few problems. I’m pretty much back to where I was pre-op with my plastic boyfriends.

At 5 weeks, the tape covering my areola finally started to roll and was removed. This is the first time I was able to see what my incision looked like post BA. The left side is pretty faint and not easy to find since it blended well into the edge of the areola. There is a tiny bit of redness when the incision was made, I’m hoping this will improve with time. The right side is more clearly visible where the incision was made. It has a tiny depression on the incision line. Dr. Meltzer’s office sent me some samples of Spectragel silicone anti keloid gel. I’m going to start using this and watch the healing process. This gel requires time to dry and could stain clothes. I discovered it does transfer to my cami that I have been wearing since Dr. Meltzer’s post BA instructions are no bra for 3 months. This gel does not wash out easily either, so better for me to wear a cami that is OK to have these stains for now. The hypersensitivity has improved very significantly and no longer requires my areola’s being covered with modified 3M Medipore tape. Sensitivity wise, they are pretty similar to pre-BA. Yes, I’m still breast / nipple orgasmic. The rest of my boobies feel pretty much as they were pre-BA. The implants continue to drop and soften as time passes.

What I find interesting is they look so much like a bigger version of what I had pre-BA. The shape is growing closer to what I had before as more time passes. Out of curiosity, I measured the half diameter of my boobies; they are just over 9” which makes me a full C cup. I tried on a few 36C bras that I have from my “play dress up days” and my boobies easily fill both cups and the center of some bras where the under wires meet lift slightly which means a bigger cup is recommended. I might end up a small D. It’s amazing that 275cc implants would make me this big. I started out a small B, it seems that my new girls are 50% my breast tissue and 50% implant. What is more surprising is they really don’t look that big under most tops I wear. I still generally fit a women’s size M top, but some are definitely more than snug around the girls. If my boobies were any bigger, finding clothes that fit well would be more of a problem. During the two other BA consultations I had, both surgeons wanted to use 400cc+ with me and knowing what I know now, they would be a lot bigger than my preference and out of proportion with my body shape. What I have now is pretty darn well proportioned. There are no regrets when I told Dr. Meltzer to do what ever he felt was the correct implant size for me. If I push my boobies together, there is significant cleavage. One of my mom friends who had BA done over 10 years ago told me not to worry about the surgery, everything should be fine and I would really enjoy having them. She is so right; I really do like my new girls in so many ways.

At 7 weeks, Jen and I are cycling well together again; I’m still not at my pre surgery fitness level. More time on the bike will get me there. The sutures have pretty much stopped popping out and the swelling appears to resolve faster once I got back to cycling. My LP looks very different from the first week post-op. The asymmetry has resolved significantly and overall, my labia minoria looks good. I was looking at my vulva one day with a mirror and was amazed at how all this turned out. I was told by our previous doc to wait 6 months to know what your final results look like. Not only does it feel right, it looks like I was born this way. Fact is, I really don’t think about my VAG much these days. It has just become part of me. This is becoming the same for my BA. I don’t think much about it these days either. Yes, there is still some post-op care, but nothing that is really time consuming.

I’m looking forward to shopping for new undies in the near future. Life is good again :)

Our Journey Home

2006-03-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

Feb 11, 2006

Saturday, our last day in Phoenix before taking our flight back home. Our bags are pretty much packed and ready to go. We purchased another coffee grinder from ACE hardware again when we arrived in Scottsdale. This is grinder number 4 and appears to be a tradition with us. No, we are not going to bring it back with us, we are leaving it at the B&B for other guest to use if they wish. This is our last morning here at the B&B and we are going to miss this place. It’s become more of a second home for us than just a place to stay. Jen loaded most of our stuff into our rented PT curser and I took a few pictures of the B&B. The owner of this B&B drove up just as we were about to head off. We chatted a bit about his interest in historic car stuff and took a few pictures of us before we headed off to meet Amy and Jan at the Scottsdale art fair.

Amy was doing much better today. The problem with nausea has passed and Amy was well enough to go for a walk at the art fair. We suspect it might have been something she ate that got her sick. We had just enough time to spend a little time at the fair and share lunch together before heading to return the rented PT curser and catch our flight home.

It was great to see Amy out and about in Scottsdale for the first time since our walk on Tuesday. The four of us shared lunch together at a small café on main street Scottsdale. We shared many of our initial post op experiences, both good and bad with Amy. This gave her and idea of what to expect and things that might be helpful during the recovery process. I’m going to miss our conversations about physics and other science topics with Jan. I’m going to miss our chats with Amy about life and our ideas of how the universe works. The time for us to start our trip home has come. We said our goodbyes to both Amy and Jan and wished them well in the days to come.

Jen wanted to stop by Landis cycles to get one of their cycling jerseys, but we were a bit pinched for time. We tried to find Landis cycles by memory and landmark with no success. Our time was limited so I called information on my cell phone and got connected to Landis cyclery, got their address and found our way there with just enough time for Jen to get her Jersey.

It was still a challenge to find the new centralized rental car facility near PHX airport. It took a bit of a try and eventually we arrived at the rental car return facility. The AVIS rental car return went quick with few problems. The shuttle to PHX terminals went well and we arrived with enough time to make our flight home. I think this new centralized rental car facility at PHX is OK, but not ideal. They should have installed a rail or other mass transit system instead of using shuttle busses to get folks to the airport. The shuttle ride takes about 10 minutes or so depending on traffic.

We checked in at the SWA quick serve check in, check in our baggage and headed over to the gate. The wait for flight to depart was short. The pilot announced that his wife and child is on this flight. This is the first time I hears a pilot announce his family was on a plane he was flying. We arrived at SJC on time and the flight was smooth. Jen and I headed over to the baggage check area and picked up or baggage headed over to the TAXI area and got a car home. Less than 20 minutes later we arrived at our front door. It was so nice to be back home. Jen let our parrot out of her cage. This time she seemed a bit less upset that we were gone for some time and a bit more cheerful than the last time we went on a trip and Jen’s brother cared for her. I was late afternoon when we arrived back home. We were both pretty tired from the journey home. It’s just nice to be back home again. I got into bed to rest while Jen headed out to do a bit of food shopping. We had a quiet dinner and evening together. I did my post-op care chores before bed time and began to think of all those memories, friends, places and events that happened on this trip to Phoenix. I’m sure we will return to Phoenix in the future, not for anymore Dr. Meltzer surgery dates, but to visit friends and places we enjoy in Phoenix.

Our Last Days in Phoenix

2006-03-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

Feb 10, 2006

It was a pretty typical morning for us, Jen went out for a walk and I decided to say at the B&B to rest after doing too much activity for the past few days. We planned to visit the Phoenix Botanical Gardens later today, visit Amy at Greenbaum and have dinner with friends later this evening. During the time Jen was out walking, I spent my time listening to music and relaxing. I began to think about all that has happened over the past few days. I’m thankful that all went well with my surgeries and overall, my recovery has not been difficult so far. We stayed at the Holiday Inn during our last few trips to Scottsdale and that was getting really old. I have never been a fan of places like the Holiday Inn, they are OK, but I really prefer staying at Bed and Breakfast or local Inn’s when possible anywhere we travel. It’s more like home and after staying at this B&B for the past several days, it has become far more like home to us. This B&B is run by a commercial realtor and his hobby is collecting historic automotive bits like old gas pumps, posters, dealer signs and all the stuff associated with cars from the past. He restores them and puts them on display around his property. He does have a few vintage cars too. Jen and I enjoyed looking at this stuff; it was like touring an antique automotive museum every day. There is a small orange and grapefruit orchard on one side of this property too. This B&B is located not too far from the big shopping center on Scottsdale Road, well within walking distance. We would definitely stay here again when visiting Scottsdale. I finished getting ready for the day just before Jen returned from her morning walk. We made a quick lunch at the B&B before heading out for the day. Our next stop was to visit Amy at Greenbaum to see how she is doing with her recovery.

It was early afternoon when we arrived at Greenbaum to visit Amy, Jan was in her room keeping her company before we arrived. Amy was not feeling so great today as she was dealing a bad case of nausea. We were not really sure of the cause. We tried to comfort her and help her get thru this bump in recovery. The anti-nausea meds tended to make her sleepy, so she opted to avoid them when possible. Jen and I had planned to visit Phoenix Botanical gardens today, but decided it was a bit late in the afternoon for this; instead we stayed with Amy to keep her company. The time passed quickly as we chatted about everything from T* stuff to physics.

Jan reads a lot of Amine cartoon books and you always see the captions, “Sigh!” Jan used this in her conversation with us all that afternoon and by late afternoon she got Jen and I saying, “Sigh!” This stuck with us and eventually Amy looked at us and said,” Jan! You have forever changed the conversation between Jen and Nici.” I got to agree, since that time, the “Sigh!” really stuck with us. Amy was mixed for most of the day. We were hoping that she would be well enough to join us for dinner. But she never got over the nausea that whole day and it was hard on her to deal with.

By the time our dinner get together drew near, Amy was still not well. I had called Dr. Becky earlier this week to set up a dinner get together and somewhere in between, Donna Rose, Linda, and part of Roberta’s support group which we met earlier this week all decided on getting together for dinner on Thursday resulting in a big dinner group. Only problem is where, at the time when Dr. Becky and I had planned to GTG, we were going to meet at Oregano’s Pizza, but the group ended up at the Olive Garden. This group grew to about 12 and I ended up sitting next to Margaux with Donna in front of me. The words and conversation just poured out of us and by the end of dinner, Margaux and Donna wore me out. We all had a wonderful time together. One of the topics that came up was the degree of separation among individuals we know, it has been said that there are usually no more than seven degrees of separation among all of us, but within the trans community, it appears to be no more than one or two. In many ways, this is a relatively small community. After dinner we headed back to see how Amy was doing. When we arrived, Amy appeared to be doing better. We decided it was time for her grand opening gift. I picked it up from the table handed it to her. Amy looked that the odd blue wrapping with a card attached on top. She removed and opened the card and read the written words with a smile. She proceeded to open the gift. The mysterious blue wrapping turned out to be a chux pad. As more of the wrapping was removed, her eyes became big as saucers when it was revealed it was a box of Surgi-Lube! Amy’s eye’s rolled and let out a big laugh. We were all laughing pretty hard by now with Amy looking at the box of Surgi-Lube she just got. I asked her to open the box and when she did, inside the box were two books, “It’s a Girl Thing and Women of Substance” for her reading pleasure. Amy was touched and cheerful after what just happened and thanked us for the gift. Early summer last year, I sent a box of Surgi-Lube to my sis in Phx and when we met for dinner the night we arrived, she gave us a gift wrapped in this Surgi-Lube box. Our eyes rolled when we unwrapped the gift to discover the box of Surgi-Lube. When we opened the box, it contained a set of coffee cups for Jen and I. The gag was so funny that we decided it’s too good not to share. The idea of using a chux pad for the wrapping came when I was looking at the small bag of post-op stuff I got from Dr. Meltzer’s office. There were an entire set of events that ended up as part of Amy’s gift gag. We were pretty tired from the day’s events and it was time for us to head back to the B&B. We drove Jan back to the Holiday Inn where she is staying and continued on to our B&B for rest and bed time.

Every morning I have been keeping an eye on my labiapalsty to see how it is doing. The first time I saw it was the morning after surgery and post catheter removal and it looked like purple bruised and swollen hamburger. This Friday morning my LP looks far better; the swelling is better but has a long ways to go. I was doing the crab walk for the first few days post-op due to the swelling and to my amazement; my bottoms were a bit tight for the first day or two. What I can say is don’t take the Labiaplasty procedure lightly, it can be more involved than one might think. Jen was surprised at how much recovery time was involved with this. While I was up and around in a few days post and the pain level was not really high for me, there was still some of the usual post surgery tiredness. It is important to keep your bottom clean, incision lines covered with Bacitracin and avoid undiees when possible. I put a chux pad on the bed when I’m in bed to prevent drainage from staining the sheets. It is also a really good idea to stay off your feet for the first few days and ice on and off for the first day or so helped reduce the swelling in my case. Always brand thin pads without wings in the yellow package worked well when we were out and about, I changed them every time I went to the bathroom.

Nipple hypersensitivity continues to be the primary problem with my BA. They are still high, slightly swollen and hard, pretty much what you would expect for this point in the BA recovery process. They have not been significantly painful even when I push them together, from the top to bottom against my relocated breast crease. They feel slightly sore and slightly tender more than painful. They are so hard and firm that I cannot really feel the implant location, but there certainly is something in there. Lifting stuff is a bit more difficult for the first few days, it is not a good idea to lift anything of significant weight for a while anyway. This makes maneuvering yourself in bed with your arms and upper body a bit different for the first few days post BA. It’s going to take 2-6 months before the implants settle and they did change my posture even for the short time that I have them. I’m still a bit amazed that I actually got the breast aug after that entire struggle for so long. It still seems a bit unreal even when I’m constantly reminded I have them. My meds are now Tylenol and Motrin as needed, Arnica, Colace and Acidophilus as directed.
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After we got up from bed and did our usual routine, Jen went out for a long walk to Camelback and I decided to stay at the B&B to rest. We are planning to visit Phoenix Botanical Garden; it’s our last chance to do this before we head back home. When Jen arrived back from her walk, she told me that she hear a cyclist call out her name and it turned out to be Dr. Meltzer and a friend were out for a Friday bike ride. What were the chances that they would connect on a Friday morning, fate and the universe has a strange way of making things happen. Jen was pretty tired from that long walk so we made some coffee and food. We sat around to rest for a while before heading out for the day.

Our first stop today was to visit Amy at Greenbaum to see how she was doing. I was curious to see if her nausea has improved. We also had a gift for the nursing staff who works at Greenbaum RCC. When we arrived at Amy’s room, Jan was already there keeping Amy company. She looked a lot better today. We talked for a while sharing our times at Greenbaum and plans for our trip home.

Jen and I took a short break from our chat to give our gift to the nursing staff. I handed the gift wrapped in blue to Julie and she was wondering what it was wrapped with. As a few members of the nursing staff watched Julie take part of the wrapper off, everyone let a out a big laugh once they realized the gift was wrapped in a blue chux pad. Julie proceeded to open the box to reveal a crystal nurse on a mirror with a sign that reads, “Medicine Heals the Body, But Nurses Heal the Soul.” The staff really liked this gift from Jen and I. This crystal nurse remains at Greenbaum, you will find the crystal nurse at the corner of the main nursing staff counter. Jen and I headed back to Amy’s room. We sat down for a little while longer to chat, and a short moment later, Dr. Meltzer and Linda walked in. They looked as surprised as we were and we shared some warm greetings. Dr. Meltzer stopped in to see how Amy was doing and we just sat and watched as Dr. Meltzer did a check up and chat with Amy. We had just enough time for two pictures and once that was done, Dr. Meltzer and Linda headed off to see his next patient.

There is a “Dream Journal” for Dr. Meltzer’s patients. It contains the heart felt words from many patients who spent time at Greenbaum. The Journal was originated by Kara, a friend who is also a Dr. Meltzer girl. Some of the writings in that journal are very emotional, some are simply heart breaking to read and gives a bit of insight to those who have made this journey. It was strange for me to read what I wrote in that Journal just over a year ago. It is amazing to look back at where I was back then and where I’m at today. So much has changed since then, it brought back my memories of the emotional struggle that I had been dealing with for so long and now that struggle has become a faded memory. I was going to write a bitabout my recent time at Greenbaum in the Dream Journal, but our time for me to write ran out. It was late in the afternoon and time to drive over to Phoenix Botanical Garden before the sunsets.

We arrived at Phoenix Botanical Garden with no more than 3 hours before sunset and there was much to see. I have always enjoyed cactus for their shape, personality and tenacity to survive in a harsh enjoinment. Their flowers are pretty too. Once you get past the entrance, there is a main path that takes you to various desert setting which contains native plants, cactus and structures that native folks would live. We got to see only part of Phoenix Botanical Gardens before I was tired from the walk and the sun was beginning to set. For those who have an interest in cactus and what various desert environments might look like, this is good place to see this. The rest of our evening was spending sharing dinner with my sis in Phoenix. Once we were back at the B&B, we started the tasks of packing and getting ready for our trip home. As I began to pack our things for the trip home, I wonder where all the time has gone. It seems like yesterday when we arrived at PHX and was getting ready for my surgery date along with all my pre-op struggles. Now, all that is done and I had with few problems with my surgery and recovery so far. I’m thankful everything turned out this way. I guess fate and the universe was good to me this time.

Post Op Check Up and Sharing the Beauty of Phoenix with Friends

2006-02-15T09:26:00.000-08:00

Feb 9, 2006

Wednesday morning started out with our usual routine. I had a post-op appointment at Dr. M’s office later that morning. Yesterday, we went for an hour long walk in the morning in our B&B’s neighborhood which is near Paradise Valley. Later that day, we went shopping for a few hours at the shopping center in Scottsdale and that evening the group of us went out for an hour long walk with Amy. I over did the activity that day and my LP got sore and a bit more swollen after all that activity and the problem with hypersensitive nipples made things worst. I just went to bed after dinner when we got back to the B&B.

Jen went for a short walk while I got ready for today’s appointment. Once Jen was back from her walk and got ready, we headed over to Dr. Meltzer's office for my appointment. I check in with the receptionist. Jan, one of Amy’s friends was in the waiting room when we arrived. She just had a minor in office procedure done to correct a minor problem that developed post-op. We chatted for a while about whole bunch of stuff among them was how Amy was doing at Greenbaum. Debbie appeared and called me and we followed her into one of the exam rooms. We chatted for a short time and she handed me one of those black robes to change into while she went to get Dr. Meltzer. I just got the robe on when Dr. Meltzer came into the exam room with RN Lindsay and Jennifer who was in the patient care learning process. Dr. Meltzer was his usual cheerful self and we talked about cycling and I told him about my over activity from yesterday. When Debbie heard about what happened yesterday and she was surprised that ‘misseee’ careful did that. He rolled the exam chair back to have a look at my LP. It was swollen, slightly bruised and draining slightly, but overall my recovery was doing well and what one would expect at this point during the recovery process. We continued to talks about cycling and his trip to Cal Dream’ in April 2006. Dr. M was ready to move on to his next patient until Lindsay and I reminded him to remove the BA sutures under my areola. RN Lindsay and Dr. Meltzer started to peel back the top square of tape covering the areola to expose the free ends of the suture. Next, he asked Lindsay for a forceps and Dr. Meltzer slowly pulled the free end of the suture out. This was more painful than I expected. Once both sutures were removed, Lindsay and Dr. Meltzer trimmed off the top half of the square tape on both sides. Lindsay told me to leave the bottom half on to protect the incision and the tape should fall of in time. There was just enough time for one picture of me with Dr. Meltzer and Lindsay before he went on to his next patient. Lindsay went over the breast massage routine with me again and had my personal boobie massager do this too and a few more post-op instructions and we were done. Lindsay and Jennifer left the exam room and I changed out of the robe and back into my clothes. I wanted to say goodbye to Carole, pass on our well wishes and a quick photo. As we were leaving her office Linda and Nikki passed by and I stopped her for a quick photo.

It was time to head back to Greenbaum with Jan to visit with Amy and see how she was doing. All of us drove over to Greenbaum to drop off Jan. Jan has been staying with Amy during most of this week. Jan has been Amy’s primary care taker during her time at Greenbaum.

Jen and I had a lunch date with Erika and Jo at the Sanctuary in Paradise Valley. Erika is a retired surgeon from Switzerland and her wife is an anesthesiologist. Erika had her VAG done by Dr. Meltzer during the last week of January. She met Dr. Meltzer during the HBIGDA meeting in Italy last year and did a consultation with him during that time. It turns out a large number of doctors go to Dr. Meltzer for their surgery. We shared a wonderful lunch with conversation ranging from T* stuff to world politics. Erika’s wife Jo commented on the great number of surgeons that she had worked with over the years and Dr. Meltzer is a rarity due to his true love for what he does, caring and humanity. She had total confidence in his team, surgical skills and technique. Many of the surgeons Jo worked with are surgeons for ego, status or momentary rewards, she found Dr. Meltzer so different from the other surgeons she worked with during her career. We all had a wonderful time together and took a few pictures before we parted.

When we arrived at the Sanctuary Spa, AUDI was doing a press release of their new Q7 SUV. It’s an AUDI variant of the Porsche Cayenne or VW Tourage. Jen and I spent a few moments looks at the Q7 and display. No AUDI folks were there at the time, but the display and press schedule was interesting. All this reminds me of how the manufactures wine and dines the press to get a positive review for their new product and advertising revenue. Once were done with this exhibit, Jen and I headed over to my sis home in Phoenix.

We were greeted with warm and friendly soft hugs before heading over to South Phoenix Mountain Park. This is one of the highest places in Phoenix and the view from top of this mountain was stunning. The drive took us thru one of the poorest districts in Phoenix, such a contrast to places like Scottsdale or Paradise Valley. My sis in Phoenix shared a Michael Franks CD with us during our drive and listening to this brought back many memories from my youth. When we arrived, there were a number of cyclists who pedaled to the top starting from the parking lot. The beautiful long and winding road to the top was several miles long. I have always enjoyed the beauty of the desert environment. Once we were parked at the top of South Phoenix Mountain, there was several Native American's selling jewelry. I looked over what their offerings and purchased a few items. The three of us walked over to the edge of the parking lot to enjoy the stunning view Phoenix. Our next stop was a Ranada that was located a short distance from the parking lot. We parked the car off the side of the road and hiked a short trail out to this Ranada which was built during, “The New Deal Era”. It was a brick and stone structure that offered a nice quiet shelter from the hot Phoenix sun. Sis was thoughtful enough to bring a nice foam cushion for me to sit on. It was nice to spent quiet time together in this beautiful desert environment. With late in the afternoon approaching, it was time for us to head back before rush hour traffic clogs up the roads towards home. During our drive home, Jan called to let us know Amy’s grand opening was not far away. We drove back to my sis in Phoenix’s home and dropped her off with warm goodbyes.

We headed back to the B&B for a short while before going over to Greenbaum. By the time we arrived at Amy’s room, her grand opening was done and she was happy and relieved that it was over. This was a big event in Amy’s life and we shared our memories of this same event with her. We spent the rest of that early evening with Amy and Jan entertaining her with our humor. These were joyful and happy times we shared together in Amy’s room. Amy’s dinner arrived and we decided it was time for us to do the same. I wanted to try the roasted chicken place on Scottsdale road, but we ended up at RA-Japanese restaurant. During our dinner conversation, Jan and I got into a conversation about wave theory, Maxwell’s Demon, optics and a bunch of other physics related topics. We were both surprise that we ended up talking about these topics and that was when I learned Jan is a senior scientist who works at JPL and Jan of my life long interest in physics. I felt bad for leaving Jen out of our conversation and moved on to other subjects. After our dinner, some one decided to crank up the music (NOISE) which made conversation really difficult. We asked for the bill and headed back to visit Amy. She had just finished dinner and was not feeling well after her meal, it was a case of nausea gettng worst.

It was time for us to head back to the B&B. The time has come for me to have a date with my plastic boy friends (dilate). Almost a week has passed since my last date and I’m healed well enough to try. I got ready for the chore and the main pain was at the bottom of my revised labia where a large number of sutures were pulling. The VAG itself felt pretty much the same as before. Number 2 went OK and number 3 was a bit more difficult with more pain involved, but do-able. I had no motivation to do number 4. Dilating post labiaplasty was not that bad overall. It was still quite swollen and if I had to do this a few days before, it would have been more difficult and painful. Being able to put off this chore for a week or so does make a difference in the post labiaplasty recovery process. I have kept my vulva as clean as possible by changing pads after every bathroom visit, rinsing with the sitz bottle when possible no undies when home and coating the suture lines with Bacitracin twice daily. There are the boobie exercises done daily and my post op meds of Arnica, acidophilus, Colace and Motrin as needed. This will be the routine for the next week or so.

I called Amy after my date to see how she was doing with her first full day of dilating. She did OK with the chore, but her nausea was getting worst. We will visit her in tomorrow.

This has been a very rewarding and eventful day. Its day 6 post op and I’m feeling and doing very well considering all that went on. I’m pretty sure my overall good health and fitness level had much to do with my speedy recovery. I’m surprised at how well and good I feel at this point during the recovery process.

Giddy in Boobieville

2006-02-08T07:57:00.000-08:00

February 8, 2006

Maybe it’s just me or what ever that part of me which worries to no end over bad things that might happen. But in the end, what I was most worried about did not happen. It's also a tribute to Dr. Meltzer's skill and judgement as a surgeon. Instead, I got the opposite, hypersensitive nipples and they have become the most difficult thing for me to deal with for now. The constant flows of sensation from them gives me a headache and while some parts of my BA still hurt slightly and my LP is swollen and hurts at times, the hypersensitivity problem is enough to make me stop what I’m doing. Jen & I have been walking to more each day and the discomfort and pain from what I’m wearing on my nipples is enough to shorten or stop our walks together. Tylenol and Motrin work to help make this problem better. Being Braless does not help either. The added weight does get some getting use to as heavier boobies has changed my posture more than I imagined and I’m still in the learning process with how best to deal with this.

My boobies are still high, hard and swollen. It’s going to be a few months before they soften and drop to their final resting position. Massaging them helps me learn more about that new part of my body and aids in the recovery process. My tops just barely fit now due to the girls being in Boobieville. Otherwise, Jen and friends who are here during our stay have noted how giddy I have been over the past few days. Last year nearly 300,000 women got Breast Augmentation. This is the second most common cosmetic procedure for women with lipo suction being number one. I’m beginning to understand why BA is so popular among women for cosmetic procedures. It not only changes your body shape to a degree I did not understand until now, but they definitely make me feel more female in many ways. I was a small ‘B’ before BA and now I’m going to be a somewhere’ C’. What I had naturally put in my mind all those female sensations and problems that come with breast ownership, but now that my breast are fuller and far better proportioned to my body, it changes not only the visual aspects of my body, it changed how they feel. Even now, so early post-op, they really do feel like they are a part of me that should have been there originally. I guess this is just another part of living in a female body and having top and bottom makes the mind and soul feel more at home which is why I have been so Giddy in Boobieville for the past few days.

I joined a group of women who were scheduled for BA near the time of my BA. This group of women has been so wonderful and so supportive in so many ways. There is still a negative social stigma regarding women who decide to get BA. Many are looked upon as slutty women with huge breast who work in the sex / adult entertainment industry, but the fact is, every woman I have met on this list is just the opposite. Most are married with loving hubbies and children. Many have suffered from the ravages of breast feeding their children or born with breast deformities or breast that are out of proportion with their bodies. They endure the BA procedure with the hope of getting a body they can feel good about. Basically, they are doing this for themselves and not to please those that might notice as the primary reason. All of us on that list are now post BA and most had few problems and are happy with the results visual and emotional. I would like to thank these women for sharing our experiences with BA and other aspects of their lives. It also reinforces my previous experiences with my mom friends that relationships among women are very different than those between men. I believe part of this is hormonal, biological, and genetic and is fixed in our basic being. The other aspects are social and cultural. It is a complex thing, but the fact remains, having a given body type does not determine who you really are and how you relate to those around you. My mom friends accepted me and treated me just like any of the other moms regardless of my physical male body at the time. Many are still my closest friends as we have watched and shared the journey of our children growing up. I feel blessed to have the experience of caring for our children and sharing with those on the same journey.

Labiaplasty has its own set of challenges post-op and while it is considered a low risk procedure and not to be really concerned with. Swelling is the one to be concerned with. I kept my activity level as low as possible post op as the more you do, the more it swells. Ice on and off every 30 to 45 minutes for the first few days makes a difference. My labia minora / majora and vulva looked huge and bloated on the first day or so. It is now day 6 post and the swelling has significantly reduced. I used pads only when we went out for short periods of time. I went bare bottoms with no pads or undies while I was in bed or lounging around at the B&B. Keep the area clean and rinse with the sitz bottle after going to the potty and Bacatracin on the suture lines as directed by Dr. Meltzer. Overall, Labiaplasty has not been really painful for me after the first few days. It’s really like a mini VAG as you get to do the crab walk for the first few days and all those same problems encountered during the VAG. I’m beginning to get a sense of what my final vulva is going to look like and I think it’s going to be fine. My expectation for this procedure is centered on functionally rather than visual and that is pretty much what I got. It is amazing that my vulva turned out the way it did in function and appearance.

BA & LP Post Op Day 1

2006-02-04T14:28:00.000-08:00

February 3, 2006

I looked at the clock at the front of my room and it was 6:00 AM. Jen stayed with me that night sleeping on that lumpy sleeper I don’t like. No matter where we go, Jen appears to sleep well. I rolled the bed to a sitting up position and had a look at my LP, All I can say is it looks really swollen. I put the ice bag back on that area to help reduce the swelling. This was the first time I had a chance to really look at wrapped boobies. All I can really see is one big mono boob in wrapped in ace bandage. I did not really notice the constriction before, but it’s really starting to become a problem for me. Using the insprometer which is one of those chores you do when you get general anesthesia is more work as the wrapping is constrictive. Some time between 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM a nurse came to collect the PCA. I no longer needed it and it was definitely worth having for this combined procedure. The nurse also gave me two percocet to take for pain.
It was about 7:00 when Jen woke up and the medical aid came in to remove my Foley catheter. I was nervous about this as the last time post VAG; I was not able to pee once the catheter was removed and had to be re-catheterized for the trip home and removed a few days later. That was not fun. The aid rolled the bed almost flat, deflated the cuff and pulled out the catheter. This is never a pleasant experience.

He also removed the compression stocking on my calves. I was happy to have then gone as they were beginning to itch. They were on for two days post VAG and got really irritating as time went by. A few minutes later, I felt the need to pee and asked him to unhook my IV so I can get out of bed to the bathroom. The start was not easy, but pee did happen and I was really relieved. That is one obstacle out of the way. Back to bed and he re-connected my IV after I settled back in bed. It was just a matter of time before the IV will be gone too and I’m no longer tethered to the bed by any plumbing. It also means freedom. I got a surprise visit from Dr. Williams, my anesthesiologist from yesterday. This is the first time I have know of an anesthesiologist visiting a patient post-op. Maybe it was our conversation from yesterday’s pre-op that motivated him to visit. We talked about everything from meds he will be using to ETT tube size (in my case 7.5mm), regardless, it was really nice to have him stop by to chat and see how I was doing post-op. Jen came over and we talked about all the events from yesterday. I tried to learn more about her conversation with Dr. Meltzer regarding my surgery. But the questions I had Jen was not able to answer, so this is going to wait until Dr. Meltzer stops by to check on me. I knew he was going cycling with a friend this morning and will not be by until afternoon. Jen and I spent talking about stuff we usually talk about. Some times I wonder what Jen would do without a TV, she can get so glued to that thing. The room aid came by with a breakfast menu and I ordered some food. Yes, it’s the same menu as before. A short while later breakfast arrived and I shared part of this with Jen. They also took food orders for lunch and dinner. Overall, I was feeling pretty good one day post op. At this time, the BA & LP are tied for pain level which is about 4-5 with two perccoet every 3-4 hours. This was quite tolerable for now.

I have been in that bed since yesterday and HAD to get up for a short while. With Jen’s help, we took a short walk over to Amy’s room to see how she was doing. Trisha was there when we arrived and we chatted for just a moment when Debbie arrived, she was surprised to see me out of bed so soon and talking to Amy. It turns out, getting out of bed this early post PL is not a good idea and Debbie told me, “back to your bed!” We took a short walk back to my room and back in bed I went. I decided to write a bit on my notebook. Lunch arrived and when I opened the cover, it was a cheeseburger, coke and chips. This is a Jen meal, not something I would order. I told Jen pass on this and she should eat it. Jen wanted me to eat something, so we sort of split up the meal. It turns out she got my lunch and dinner menu mixed up. Our friend Terri called me on and asked if I wanted anything from Ranch 99. What an opportunity, I just had to have some roasted chestnuts and asked Terri to pick some if she can find them. Terri arrived a while later with two bags of roasted chestnuts and asked it we would like to join them for lunch on the patio. I told her no, as should stay in bed for now. She returned later with a plate of Chinese food, which I enjoyed and Jen found alien.

Time passed slowly while I lay in bed with an ice pack between my legs to reduce the swelling. Trisha and Amy stopped by to visit since this was Amy’s first day for a walk. We chatted for a bit, but noted Amy was getting a bit unstable, so it was back to her room for now. A little while later Terri brought over a slice of birthday cake. It turns out, Roberta who was the morning patient of my surgery date, had her real birthday today and she had an entire group of friends to be with her and support her during this process. With all the goings on in a near by room, I just had to stop by to say hello. While the crowd was just about to take a picture, Dr. Meltzer walks in. He looked at me and was wondering why I was not in bed. This opportunity does not happen often, so we took a group picture with Dr. Meltzer and Roberta in bed one day post op. I headed back to my bed after the photo. Dr. Meltzer arrived n my room to check on how I was doing. He had a look at my LP and while it was swollen, it appeared good. He wanted to look at my BA next. I asked him if he would unwrap me as the elastic bandage wrap was getting tiresome and restricting. He went off to get a pair of bandage scissors, I lay in a semi recline position and he snipped off the bandage, instant relief from that constriction with two cotton pads fall out and my nipple /areola covered with tape that has a opening for the nipple. Only the ends of the sutures are visible. The sutures appear to be under the skin.

I told him my nipples / breast sensitivity were OK and we were both relieved. He was a bit worried to ask, so I told him how my nipples felt before they were un wrapped. Once they were unwrapped, I had a better sense of how they really were. It turns out, they might be overly sensitive. We talked a bit about my BA. I asked him if he did anything different in my case and he said not really, he was just really careful with pocket dissection and encounter no nerves during the process. I shared my theory of me being on hormones for over 6 years might have made a difference since my muscle mass has completely changed and softened making the pocket dissection process easier, he agreed and mentioned that in FFS patients, the skin is quite different between those who have been on hormones for years compared to no hormones. It becomes much softer after a few years on hormone therapy. I think the risk for nerve damage during BA pocket dissection might be greater due to the bigger and stronger male pec muscle regardless of who the surgeon might be. A TG woman friend went to Thailand for FFS and BA, her surgeon refused to do sub muscular BA placement due to her pec muscle development and she got a sub glandular procedure. IMO, they don't look that great, but she is happy. In my case, push ups were easy for me to do years before my transition, now I cannot even do one. That was an eye opening discovery.

We went on to discuss breast massage. Dr. Meltzer gently pressed my implants towards the center and then from the top down. It was slightly painful but more uncomfortable and strange feeling than anything else. He showed Jen how to do this also, as this is going to be one of my post BA chores that she gets to do. I made a post-op exam appointment for later next week and they will remove the sutures then. With all this done, he headed off to check on his next patient.
RN Nancy appeared with my discharge instructions and had me sign them. She told me ring for help if you need it.

I got back in bed to rest while Jen watched TV for a bit. Dinner arrived and we shared the meal. When we were done with dinner, Jen got all of our stuff packed and moved down to the car. We walked over to say goodbye to Roberta and her group of friends. When this was done, Jen did not want me to be walking around anymore and got a wheel chair to wheel me around in, I said no, but she insisted. So I sat down and she wheeled me into Amy’s room to say goodbye. When we arrived Trisha was there too. We shared our warm goodbyes with Amy. She told us we are such a “cool couple”. I asked her why? Amy being a romantic told us that we have a nice warmth about us that is just nice to be around. She said many couples are not like this. We smiled and thanked her for the complement. Jen wheeled me down to the car and I got into the front passenger seat. We drove back to our B&B. I got into bed, tired from the events of the day and so relieved that my BA turned out the way it did.

BA & LP Surgery Day

2006-02-04T01:25:00.000-08:00

Surgery Day
February 2, 2006

I woke up several time during the night thinking about what might happen and If I’m about to do something that I might regret. My last meal was 8:00 PM yesterday and after midnight, I’m not to have any food or drink. This is standard procedure for surgery prep. I finally got out of bed at just after 7:00 AM and Jen soon after. We did our usual morning routine of reading the news and taking one last shower. I packed a few overnight items for my over night stay at Greenbaum and we drove over to Greenbaum surgery center. We went up stairs to visit Amy and Trisha, It was post VAG day one for Amy. We spent a bit of time to chat as this is the first time I have met Trisha. We have emailed and yaked on the phone over the past few years. While this was our first face to face meeting, it was like getting together with old friends. Amy appeared to be doing well this morning. The clock showed it was time for me to sign in for my surgery date. After doing this a few times, you do get to know the routine. The receptionist recognized me and she signed me in. After a short wait, I got called by a clerk to verify my information and check me in.
More time passed and RN Kara called me in, my time is up. At first I did not remember her, but she did. She took my vitals and gave me a gown to change into. I got changed into the gown, put my stuff into a bag. Then one of the nurses braided my hair and we put all that hair into two hair caps. This is what I have done with my hair every time for surgery and it appears to work well. I followed her to stall# 9. RN Joan asked me some more questions about my general health. She gave me a pill to reduce my blood pressure and an anti clot injection. She also put on a pair of those calf compression stockings. RN Joan had problems installing the IV in my arm. She tried once in my hand, but got the IV into my arm. It turns out when you stress over getting this done, your veins drop making IV insertion difficult. One of the nursed went to call Jen who has been waiting for about an hour in the waiting area. Jen appeared and sat next to me while I waited for the next steps in this process to happen. Dr. Williams the gas passer stopped by to chat with me about today’s anesthesia plan and procedures. We discussed meds that he planned to use to day and questioned me about my health history. Once he was done with this, he went off to get the first set of meds for the process. Two of the OR nurses appeared and I remembered one of them, Cindy. They were concerned with how stressed I appeared and asked me why I’m so scared, I told them it was possibility of losing nipple / breast sensitivity from the BA. Cindy told me Dr. Meltzer did her BA two years ago and she has not had any problems or loss of nipple / breast sensitivity, very happy and I should be fine. Dr. Meltzer appeared and we talked about the procedures for today and my concerns were the same as we discussed pre-op and we talked about bicycles and cycling. My surgery time was near and Dr. Williams appeared with what he called, “liquid courage.” He injected the meds into my IV line and I was off to sleepy land just as they began to roll me out of stall# 9.

The next thing I remember was a nurse talking to me in the recovery room (PACU) and told me all went well and they are going to wheel me up stairs to room 11. My time in recovery was short, about one hour. Jen was waiting for me and watched as they got me set up. I was already semi awake and the pain was not excessive, about 5. During my pre-op discussions with Dr. Meltzer, I asked them for a PCA (patient controlled anesthesia) for me to use post-op.

I had one of these for the VAG last year, but did not use it much since the pain level was not very high. It turns out the PCA is a good idea for the BA as I used it much more than when I had the VAG. The pain never got greater than a 6 and when things began to hurt more, I would just push the PCA button and the relief was instant.

After settling down in my room, I was curious to find out what happened to my nipple sensitivity and it appeared to be OK both sides, similar to pre-op. I tried to feel for my nipple over the ace wrapping and cotton pad and I can easily locate both my nipples by touch. I was really relieved to learn this. I was semi awake the rest of the night. It’s been really dry in Scottsdale and that made my mouth and throat dry. I kept asking Jen for ice chips at first, but eventually moved on to drinking lots of water. I have not eaten anything since 8 PM yesterday night so I was pretty hungry. It was too late for Greenbaum food, but Jen brought a blueberry muffin and some soy, honey, sesame chips. These were not ideal but sure tasted good. Jen got a chance to chat with Dr. Meltzer about my surgery. My BA went easy, my pec muscles were quite soft and he had no problems separating it from my chest wall. I had no bruising post op. He stayed as far away from any nerves that might be involved with sensation and my implants were on the small side 275cc on both sides. According to Dr. Meltzer, this implant size would make me a ‘C’ cup. Dr. Meltzer told me I had “normal female” sized areolas, big nipples and good breast development. All these factors made doing BA procedure on me easier for both of us. They are pretty much what one would expect initially post-op, high, hard, swollen and painful. The labiaplasty was pretty much routine. He corrected all of the things we discussed pre-op. It’s no nearly as painful as the BA, but really swollen right now. I kept ice on this area for the entire time I was in bed.

Sleeping was difficult as the nurses come by every hour or two to take your vitals and the racket from the monitoring equipment added to the noise level. It was not a restful night, but I was so relieved to know my nipples are not numb and appear to have normal sensitivity for now. That was a huge weight lifted off my mind. The sleep I got was reduced to a bunch of short naps between being prodded by the nursing staff.

BA & LP Pre OP

2006-02-03T13:41:00.000-08:00

February 1, 2006

I usually don’t sleep too well in a strange place and yesterday night was no exception. Adding to it all was my pre-op appointment tomorrow morning at Dr. Meltzer’s office. I’m writing this in the early morning while Jen is still sleeping. After over a year of debating, research, consultations and a lot of emotional events the time has come for me to deal with my surgery date tomorrow.

It was 6:30 AM when I finally got out of bed and began getting ready for the day ahead. Jen did not wake until later, but after she woke up at just after 7:00 AM, we did our usual routine and got ready to leave for my pre-op appointment with Dr. Meltzer at 9:30 AM. We left the B&B at quarter after 9:00 AM and arrived at Dr. Meltzer’s office slightly after 9:30 AM. We rang the door buzzer and Linda let us into the office. Linda asked me how I was doing and I told her, “not good.” And I shared with her how I felt about my surgery date tomorrow. She introduced me to her daughter who worked there part time. We were surprised to see Stephanie sitting in the waiting area. It’s been a long time since we met. We chatted for a bit to catch up on all that has happened since we last talked. She was here with Roberta who is scheduled for a VAG the morning of my surgery. Roberta was already doing her pre-op consultation with Dr. Meltzer when we arrived. More of Roberta’s friends arrived later that morning. Dr. Meltzer’s office was pretty busy, more so than from what I have observed in the past. They were running a bit late, but eventually, Debbie called my name and we followed her into one of the exam rooms. This was her first day back to work after her finger was surgically removed due to the continued problems of infection and other problems. This was another one of those problems that she has been dealing with since her BF Rocky was shot by her ex last year. Debbie was in surprisingly good spirits after all that has happened. Once we were in the exam room, Lindsay who is one of Dr. Meltzer’s nurses from the days when he was working in Oregon came in and went over some paper work with me. Dr. Meltzer arrived shortly after with that bright and cheerful charm. We spent a bit of time talking about cycling as we usually do and went on to discuss my pre-op stuff. After a year of discussing my concerns with BA, we both pretty much knew what my concerns were. We went on to discuss my concerns for labiaplasty and I asked for a sheet of paper to draw a sketch. I drew it reversed relative to what Dr. Meltzer was accustomed to seeing, but reversed the drawing so he could understand what I was trying to explain. On the drawing was a crude sketch of the bottom Vee where my sutures had split post VAG a year ago and while they have healed well, there is scar tissue there with some webbing that made accessing the vagina slightly more difficult. There were two JP drains that are placed in the labia post VAG and one of them healed OK, the other healed with a raised bump. The urine stream was slightly towards my right and the flow rate is modest but most of the time, it’s a downward flow rather than a stream. None of these are going to be a problem to fix during LP. As for the clitoral hooding, I just told Dr. Meltzer no to do anything that might affect its function. It’s bad enough with the concerns I have for BA, but having clitoral function affected is going to break me. While there are a number of surgeons who does a one stop VAG, I don’t believe you can consistently get good results due to the amount of surgery done in that area, healing varies among individuals, anatomy varies among individuals too. That is a lot to expect to go right for such an extensive surgery. Once my pre-op appointment was done, I carried my bag of post-op supplies with me to visit Carole to chat for a moment and schedule a post-op appointment for next week. We left Dr. Meltzer’s off and headed to Starbucks for Mocha and pastery. Jen & I sat around for a while to chat about the day ahead and enjoying the warm sunny day. Our next stop was Target to pick up toiletries and a few other related items for the days ahead. We stopped by the Greenbaum hotel to say hello to the nursing staff and visit Ericka who got her VAG done earlier this week and her friend Suzy to chat. We talked about her history T* and suzy about her M to F son. The time passed quickly and we needed to head over to Trader Joes to get food for the next few days. I got a dinner invitation call from Terri. She wanted us to join her for dinner at Picasso Pizza at 6:30 PM. Our schedule was tight, but do able if we did not stay out too late.

When we got back to our B&B after shopping at Trader Joes and put the food away. We both took a rest before heading out for our dinner date. I washed and conditioned my hair knowing I won’t be able to do this until a few days post-op.

We drove down Scottsdale Blvd to Picasso Pizza and had a nice dinner with Terri and Roberta’s friends who were in town to support her VAG journey. We left the restaurant at just after 8:00PM for our B&B. I wanted to go to bed early since there will be a long day for me tomorrow. I dilated one last time knowing I’m not going to be doing this until several days later. Tomorrow is surgery day.

Here We Go Again

2006-02-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

January 31, 2006

The time has come for us to make our trip to Scottsdale for my surgery date this week. This will be our 6th trip there. The first time we made this trip was in 2004 to visit Amber when she got her VAG done at Greenbaum with Dr. Meltzer and Jen’s consultation. Phoenix was not a friendly place back then. We did not know where to go, had no friends and it was HOT during the month of July. Over the past few years, we have made friends there and learned where things are. It has become a much friendlier place and a place to explore the natural beauty found in the south west.

We spent the earlier part of this week cleaning house and getting things ready to go. Our bags are packed and travel arrangements are set. It seems everything is ready except me.

I did not sleep well last night, there is just so much on my mind right now. I’m worried about the scheduled breast aug, details that I need to discuss about labiaplasty, our kids, Blasi our parrot who is basically stuck in her cage until Jen’s brother comes to care for her, my project at work, and all the things related to our daily lives. A majority of my stress comes from not knowing what is going to happen to me post-op. Every time surgery happens, there are always things that can and do happen even under the best conditions and most skilled surgeons. It’s all part of the risk we take when we chose to do the things we do. Dr. Kay our surgeon friend told me years ago that surgery is like a Christmas present, you really don’t know what is inside until you open it.
I have been reading and corresponding with Nicole

http://nicolesnicheblog.blogspot.com/

and her spouse Michele

http://dgitaldiva.blogspot.com/ since late last year.

I found her blog one day when I was curious about others who made the same journey I did.
Michele wrote a really good observation of TS women in her January 26, 2006 blog entry and I think TS women and those related to them should take her observations with due consideration.

The bad news is what happened to Nicole post BA, she got what I fear most, post-op numb nipples on top of having a really difficult and painful first few days of post-op recovery. I hope things will improve and recover over time, but it is not comforting or reassuring to find this out from another who just had the same procedures I’m just about to get done.

With all my long winded words about BA, it’s time for me to discuss a bit about my concerns with labiaplasty. The things I’m concerned most that could happen during labiaplasty are anything that might affect clitoral function. The clitoris I ended up with post VAG works very well, it’s sensitivity is near identical to what I had before the VAG except all the sensitivity is concentrated in a small spot. I’m still amazed that the head of the penis can be reduced to a tiny fraction of its original size, have all of its erectile tissue removed, relocated to a different part of the body and retain the function it does. Losing what I have here would break me, but I have not heard of this happening during LP. My Clitoris is semi flat and recessed and generally not exposed so clitoral hooding is not that big of a problem for me. An improved clitoral hood is part of LP and it would be a good thing. Tissue death would be the next item of concern, yes this does happen due to the thinning and trimming of the labia-majoria during this procedure. There are other tissues that can die during this procedure requiring more surgery to correct problems from tissue death. I have some thick scar tissue in the area that split post VAG and some webbing in that area too. I’m pretty sure this can be addressed during LP. I don’t really have a urine stream problem, yes, it’s off to the right a bit and the flow rate could be higher, but for me as long as the steam is not going over the rim and flow rate is reasonable, I’m OK with the way things are now. The urine stream direction has changed over the past year and I believe it has finally settled to where it is now. Any corrections are made to this area should be more predictable than it they were made 3 months post VAG. I don’t have a lot of labia-majoria asymmetry. All the swelling from the VAG done a year ago is gone. Yes, there is some, but not enough for me to be really concerned with. I would not have guessed my results would look this way during those first few days post-op.

In many ways, LP is really a cosmetic improvement for me than a procedure that is required. A few of my friends are really concerned with how their Labia looks post-op, they have specific ideas of what they want and their labia to look like, I’m just not that concerned with this. There is a huge variation of what the labia and vulva looks like in natal females and it changes with age and child birth. This is a part of one’s anatomy that does not get constant visual attention and function is far more important to me than appearance. Since I’m going to be one year post op I can skip dilating for a while until the edges of the labia are healed enough and reduce the pain of dilating with healing tissues.

I have been up since 4:30 AM this morning for a trip to the bathroom. I went back to bed, but did not sleep well at all. The image, thoughts, worries and anticipation of what is ahead continues to roll around my mind. There are just so many what “if_s” for me this time that was of no real concern for my previous surgery date. I just wanted to get the surgery done and over with regardless of what would happen. This time, I’m just not looking forward to what is ahead for me to deal with. My previous surgery was not elective, this time, it really is elective and I’m still wondering if I’m about to do something that I’m going to regret. Happy or heart broken, it’s just too soon to tell. Eventually, I got out of bed around 6:30 AM and just wrote and spent time doing stuff on my note book.

Jen got up at just after 7:30 AM, came over wondering what I have been doing and gave me a hug. We did our usual morning routine of coffee, Jen reading the news paper and me answering email and reading the news on the web. As the time passed, I took a shower and did my usual morning routine, finished packing while Jen got ready for our day ahead. Blasi was out of her cage earlier than usual, but as the clock reached 10:30 AM, it was time for her to be back in her cage. The cab I reserved arrived a few minutes early, such a contrast to the airport shuttle that was over 20 minutes late our last trip to Scottsdale.

The cab ride to SJC was totally uneventful and traffic was very light mid morning. SWA curbside check went smooth and the security check in was easier than the last time we went to Scottsdale for Jen’s LP. We had lots of time to spend since our flight was still 2 hours away. Jen got a Mocha and I got a Hot Chocolate from Starbucks. We are just sitting around SJC waiting for our flight to depart.

Our flight to PHX was pretty much uneventful and right on time. Once we arrived and got our baggage, we went looking to the rental car place only to discover they moved it all to a central location. You take shuttle bus to the centralized rental car place to pick up your car. We have no problems picking up the rental car from AVIS, but that was all about to change. Our drive to Scottsdale turned out to be a nightmare. First we got lost due to the relocated rental car place and to make thing worst, we got stuck in rush hour traffic. We were trying to figure out how to get to FWY 101, but wound up on 17N, exiting on Thomas street then on to 19th which had broken traffic lights. It took us nearly 1.5 hours to get to Scottsdale via this round about way.
I had planned to meet Amy at the Hotel while she was doing her VAG pre-op stuff, but had to find the B&B where we stayed before heading over there. We planned to meet my sis in phoenix for dinner that evening too. Every thing was so rushed to get done. We eventually arrived at our B&B which had an old car theme decorated with lots of interesting antique items. Jen wanted to get some thing to drink at Trader Joes, but I nixed that idea due to the lack of time. When we got to our B&B there was some fresh squeezed orange juice in the fridge and muffins on the table. We had a quick snack and the Inn keeper arrived to greet us. We did not spend much time to talk since we were on such a tight schedule. Our next stop was to visit Amy at the hotel. It was a short drive to Amy’s hotel and found her room on the second floor. While we have emailed each other in the past, this is the first time we actually met. I really wanted to spend some time with Amy before her surgery since I have no idea how we are going to be like post op. It was a short but enjoyable meeting with time for a few photos. I called my sis in PHX to let her know we are going to be late for dinner. We said our goodbyes and wished Amy well on her surgery the next day.

Jen and I began our trip over to my sis home for dinner. When we arrived, she greeted us with a warm hello and it was such a nice way to unwind from all that happened on this day.
She had Chinese food waiting for us and much to my surprise, Michael Franks playing on the music system. I have not heard Michael Franks in years. We chatted about recent events and our days ahead and when dinner was done, I got a chance to listen to Michael Franks ‘Tiger in the Rain’ o vinyl. That is one of my MF favorites and brought back many memories while we listened.

It was getting late and time for us to head back to our B&B to get rested for my pre-op appointment tomorrow morning. We took a few photos and shared our warm goodbyes as we began our drive back to the B&B.

I got ready for bed while Jen watched TV for a while. Once we got in bed, she wanted to watch some stuff on DVD, but I was simply too tired for this and went nighty night.

A Pair of Parrots and New Year

2006-01-10T21:19:00.000-08:00

A Pair of Parrots and New Year

January 10, 2006

December 30, 2005 Jen and I went to see Transamerica, it’s been on the list of films to watch for a while. Overall, this is a good film that is not totally focused on the T* topic. The film has a lot of trans humor and worth watching. Felicity Huffman played the part of Bree quite well. There is a scene where a pair of Dr. Meltzer’s dilators are in clear view. It surprised me to see that in any film. Andrea and Calpernia were involved with this film and their involvement really did make a difference in this film and the film reviews have been generally positive.

While were at the theater showing Transamerica there was a “Parrots of Telegraph Hill” DVD. This is another film that Jen and I have been wanting to watch. I had watched this with Mia a while ago and we both enjoyed the film very much. Jen purchased this DVD and we watch the film after our New Years Eve dinner. This is one of the better film we have watched this year. The place where this film was made brings back memories of my childhood as this part of where this film was made was part of my walk home from school.

One of the most enjoyable things about this film is the love, caring and sense of family these parrots revealed that is a big part of their lives. There are moments in this film that makes me wonder why human beings cannot treat each other with the same kind of love, caring and respect for the world we live in.

Jen & I live with a Parrot named Blasi. While she is Jen’s parrot, over the years, Blasi has grown to trust me enough to pet, feed and carry her around on my hand. We love this bird very much, she is part of our family. It’s curious that Jen and I are parrot lovers and in many ways, we are so similar to a pair of parrots.

Our New Years eve was a simple and quiet one at home with dinner together and sharing programs and films we enjoy watching together. Yes, we watched a few New Years events on TV, like Times Square, The space needle and various fire works. Over the years, I have come to enjoy these events from a distance. It’s a far less stressful way of bringing in a New Year.

One of my friends got boobies just after Xmas, December 28, 2005 to be exact. She had the surgery done by Dr. Gray and wrote about it in her journal http://members.aol.com/karaflynntg/journal/journal.html

Our BA concerns were quite different, Kara was mostly concerned about being too big and scaring, me, well anyone who has been reading my blog already knows what I’m so concerned about so I’m not going to mention it again. We talked on the phone one day after her surgery and overall, she sounded and felt good for day one post op. I had planned to stop by her place to have a look, but the storms kept me from wanting to drive over to her place. The last week of December has been very wet and windy and not the best conditions for driving. We are planning to have a get together soon and we will all get to see her new boobies then. (_)_)

Speaking of boobies, I got a call from our HMO regarding my recent mammogram. They wanted me back for a redo on my right breast. They found an area that looked suspicious, it does not appear to be BC, but they did want take more images to be sure. I made a follow up appointment and adding to the stress, a card arrived stating they found something. What a time for this to happen. Now I get to experience what it’s like to worry about your mammogram results and everything related to that :(

Talk about adding stress to all that is happening in my life these days.

My redo happened on December 10, 2006 and after being tortured by that mammogram machine with 4 more images. It turned out to be a problem with imaging my flattened breast. The technician that did my new images told me that some time when a breast is flattened, they don’t compress evenly and can result in a dense spot that appears to be a problem. What a relief, but as I sat there waiting in the changing area I could not help but think about what life would be like if they did find a problem. It’s simply a very scary thing to run thru your mind. My boobies hurt for most of the day after all that abuse from that mammogram machine. Not fun at all.

Before Xmas I was looking at stuff on ebay and impulsively began to look at view cameras. Much to my surprise, a Wisner 5x7view camera popped up with a rather low bid price. I already have more than one view cameras to use, but this is one that has been on my list for years. I decided to bid on it and much to my surprise, I won for less than my max bid. I have been a serious black and white fine art photographer for years before my transition and just about stopped when I transitioned. Recently, I have got the desire to do this again. Photography has been a real passion for me over the years and I guess it’s time to do this again. So much of the photography industry has changed in recent years. Digital is pretty much all you find these days. It’s instant, cost next to nothing for images and the quality is good enough for most. Black and white large format photography is ancient in comparison. My favorite film size it 5 inches x 7 inches, yes this is the size of the film (negative or transparency). You load each sheet into a film holder and process each sheet individually. The camera is more of a slow medative process rather than capturing the moment say in digital or 35mm. This is all about crafting a conceived image in one’s mind rather than capturing the event. It’s what Ansel Adams, Edward Weston and Group f64 was all about.

The images that come out of this process can be simply stunning. It is these basic tools that I love to use to express my photographic creativity.

Our travel plans for our trip to Phoenix is complete, my Dr. Meltzer account has zero balance and everything is ready except me. One day, We are going to take a trip to Phoenix to enjoy all that Phoenix has to offer. There are some truly beautiful places in Phoenix that we would enjoy visiting. And yes, I’m planning to bring a view camera to do some photography that I miss so dearly.

I discovered a rather surprising myth about my name recently. It says a lot about my hair and a bit about me;

This constellation (Berneice's Coma) were named by the greek Konon of Samos (247 BC) after the hair of Egyptian Queen Berenice

Circa 243 BC. She was the wife of King Ptolemy III Euergestes. He undertook a dangerous expedition against the Syrians, who had murdered his sister. Berenice swore to the goddess Aphrodite to sacrifice her famous long hair, of which she was extremely proud, if her husband returned safely. He did, and she had her hair cut and placed it in the goddess' temple.

By the next morning the hair had disappeared. To appease the furious king and queen (and save the lives of the temple priests), the court astronomer, Conon, announced that the offering had so pleased the goddess that she had placed it in the sky. Aphrodite herself brought the hair to the stars. He indicated a cluster of stars that at the time were identified as Leo's tail, but which have since been called Berenice's Hair.

No, I did not know this when I chose my name years ago. You got to wonder if this is coincidence or what?

Ouch! Goes The Boobies

2005-12-29T21:19:00.000-08:00

Ouch! Goes The Boobies
Dec 23, 2005

My scheduled date for a mammogram arrived and we went to KP’s radiology department to get this done. I decided to get this done as future reference in my medical records and to get this of my HMO to do list. My risk for breast cancer is low due to my family history, total time on a female endocrine system and actual age of my breast. My gyno agrees with me on this, but we agreed that a base line reference mammogram is a good idea since I’m planning to get a breast aug. We arrived at the radiology dept and I check in for this procedure. The gal at the window looked at me and said, “You must be here for a mammogram.” I told her, “yes but how did you know?” She told me women who don’t have a lab work sheet are almost always here for a mammogram. She asked me for my KP card and fill out the patient information sheet. The questioner asked if there are any know lumps, bumps or moles on your breast, do you have implants, your family history of breast cancer and if this was your first mammogram. For me, this was the first time. Jen and I sat waiting for much longer than we expected, I guess they were busy on that morning. Eventually, the mammogram technician called my name and I follow her into the imaging area, Jen was just behind me and the technician asked her to wait outside with a bit of protest of why from Jen, she had to wait outside and wait until I was done. The technician handed me one of those memorable hospital robes and asked me to put it on front opening and directed me into a changing room. I undressed on top only and put the gown on front opening. Once this was done, I went outside the changing area where she directed me to the imaging machine room. I asked to see if it would be possible for me to see the films when they were done. I stared at the two plated where you rest your breast to get flattened.

She asked me if I had used any antiperspirants or lotions this morning and I told her no. These can cause problems with the image which results in a false positive or redo. Then she asked me to open the front of my gown so she could stick on a set of BB markers on my nipples. These are used as reference points for the breast image. Since this was my first mammogram, she took the time to explain the entire procedure to me and this helped lower my stress level. They are going to take 4 films total, two from top to bottom left and right and two from side to side left and right. The imaging machine is made by Siemens and the bottom plate is made of carbon fiber, the top plate is made of clear acrylic with black graphics. Both plates have rounded edges and corners. The film holder goes into the bottom plate just like a view camera film back. She demonstrated how the two plated are come together to compress the breast a fixed amount to get a good image. This thing looked more like an unpleasant clamping device rather than a medical imaging device. She directed me to stand in front of the imaging machine with my right breast resting on the bottom plate. She adjusted the height of the bottom plate until it was just lifting the bottom of my breast upward. Then she told me that the top plate will come down to compress my breast to a pre set level. It’s been said by many women that this is not a fun thing to do and I have got to agree with that. It hurts when that top plate comes down and your breast is squished flat. I felt restrained and trapped in a rather uncomfortable position when my boobies were clamped. She told me to hold my breath while the machine was making the exposure. Once the exposure is done, the machine instantly releases the clamping force. It’s a relief once the pressure on your breast comes off. This was repeated four times, twice from top to bottom and at an angle from left to right with the top corner of the bottom plate in your arm pit. I was relieved this was finally done. She asked me to stay in the gown until the films were developed and appeared good. A few minutes later, she called me to have a look at my mammogram films. She pointed out the Muscle, glandular tissue, fat tissue and the nipple structure. You can see why BB markers are used as a reference point on these images. I was surprised at how much area my breast covered on the films when flattened. They are quite a bit larger than I thought and reminded me of how physically female my body has become over the past several years. It was also clear that my breasts are mature. They appear to consist of equal volumes of glandular tissue and fat. The nipple structure is much larger than what you see on the outside, it’s a deep sizable structure. After we looked at the films, she told me that the last one she took of my left breast at an angle from L to R was blurred due to movement, so another image was needed. It was difficult for me to stay still for the last image due to the discomfort involved. Ug, we did this one more time and I was simply relieved that was done and over with. I got dressed and wet back outside to meet Jen. I kept my BB markers as souvenirs from my first mammogram. One last thing to do was for me to head up stairs for my estradiol injection. Once that was done, we headed off to do a bit of shopping.

After my mammogram I began to think of several trans folks whom recently transitioned and had SRS within a year or two post living full time. Early on most TS folks want to get their physical body to match as close as possible to their ideal as soon as possible regardless of what problems might happen due to the ‘little details’. This is when the body gets ahead of the mind, soul and sprit. This seems to happen more to those who transition later in life and have struggled most of their life with gender issues. Fact is, it takes years for hormones to have their complete effects, find their place in society and the individual to learn how to express their true self within their newly minted physical bodies. Other trans folks whom I have met that have waited man years to have surgery for various reasons tend to view surgery in a different light. In this case, the mind, soul and spirit is ahead of the physical body and when the physical body catches up, life tends to come together rapidly. I have heard so many stories of individuals who suffered from post op depression and in a few cases, this resulted in death due to suicide.
There is so much energy and resources required to complete a transition in short time that one might not consider what their life would be like post transition. Once all the surgery, legal stuff and etc is done, it is easy to feel a great deal of emptiness from having done all this.

Early on in my transition when I first went 24/7 there was a huge desire to get everything done. But due to many limitations in my life, I was not able to complete the surgical part of my transition until recently. Looking back at this, the wait allowed my feminine self to grow the emotional and spiritual aspects of my feminity. This also allowed my life to settle into where it is now and resulted in the way I reacted when I was newly post VAG almost a year ago. It is also surprising how much being post VAG has affect my growth and inner sense of self each day. My mind, soul and body simply feel more complete, unified and my sense of inner peace is always with me. Even my sexual dreams and desire has become heterosexual female at times which really surprised me. If Jen and I have not met, I would have likely gotten married to a nice man with kids from a previous marriage or etc. Being a mom is one of the simple things in life that connects with my soul and is rewarding to me in so many ways. I discovered this aspect of me from caring for our own kids when they were young. Regardless, Jen remains my soul mate and love in my life.

The question for me and many other trans folks is how much change is enough? How many surgical procedures are we willing to endure in pursuit of our idealized physical self? With each medical procedure be it hormone therapy, surgery and etc they all have risk and we need to be informed as to what the specific risk are relative to the perceived and real benefits to us. This is the question I continue to ask myself almost daily regarding breast aug. Will this be the one surgery that will end in regret for losing a part of me that is so important to me? This single surgery has been stressful for Jen as she feels frustrated from not being able to help me in the decision process.

My final surgery date payment has been sent and I’m still sitting on the fence with proceeding with BA. It is possible that I’m going to say no BA day on surgery day :(

Bad Hair Days :(

2005-12-18T12:33:00.000-08:00

Bad Hair Days :(
Dec 14, 2005

For the past few days I have been spending hours upon hours detangling the knots in my 60 odd inches of hair. Usually my hair does not require too much care, but over the past few days, it has been a horror of tangled knots. It seems to happen once each year to this degree. I’m not sure why, but it appears to be weather related. The knots come in clumps from my scalp to the bottom hairs. They can pull on my scalp and this makes my head hurt. The only way to deal with this mess is to slowly work the knots out with my fingers before I can even think about using a brush or wide tooth comb. This comes from years of experience living with extremely long hair.
Like just about everything in life, there are good and bad aspects of living with extremely long hair.

Two weeks ago, Jen and I started up her 1957 Triumph TR-3 and took the car out for its first road trip in nearly 2 years. The trip was short, but totally uneventful. Over 90% of the car has been rebuilt, cleaned up or replaced with improved parts or redesigned and built to solve the original design problems. This includes nearly every screw, nut and bolt. We have spent several hundred hours on this project since we started. To think this started with Jen putting the car in the garage to have a look at a tiny leak from the transmission. After I transitioned years ago, there was no incentive for me to do any work on cars again, ever! I was quite happy to send my SAAB 9000 turbo to the shop every so often for service, even for an oil change. In the end, Jen got me interested in doing this again and I ended up purchasing two of my favorite Italian two mid engine sports cars in the process. With the completion of the TR-3, my Lancia will be our next project.

It seems like when problems with cars happen, it all happens at once. The plastic coolant tank in the X1/9 finally expired after 18 years along with the water pump. I had planned to change all the hoses, install a new radiator and etc in time, but with this incident it all got done at once. Now the car has a new stainless steel coolant tank (from a mid 70’s X1/9), radiator, all coolant related hoses, water pump and temp sensor. It all works OK now. The X1/9 still leaves me with a huge smile every time I drive it, it’s been that way for the past 20+ years that I have owned them and this is X1/9 number 7 (yes, I have owned 7 of these cars over the years). I will try to keep one of these in my life for as long as possible. What I discovered when researching what coolant to use in the X1/9 is a huge class action law suite against General Motors over Dex-Cool coolant. This was used in nearly all GM cars and trucks. The coolant is made by Texaco, it turns into mud like substance that clogs the entire cooling system and rots out the gaskets causing other serious problems. This is another example of why I refuse to purchase a Detroit car. In the end, it was back to the same old green Prestone coolant.

To make things worst, the clutch (been replaced once) in my SAAB 9000T with near 300,000 miles expired while out on the road. At first, I thought it was the transaxle or drive shafts that were broken, but it turned out to be the clutch disc. Last month the fuel pump quit leaving me semi stranded and more than a bit upset. In the past two months I have spent over $3k on parts and repairs on a car that has a market value of less than half that amount. I have plans to spend more on the SAAB in the near future. It still needs some major work on the engine, the AC compressor replaced and system recharged and new interior which will cost more $$$$. Why would I continue to pile money into a 15 year old SAAB? I really like the car and most of the current new cars don’t appeal to me and they are not much better in many ways. Recent cars have become more of a commodity or an item you purchase, use up and throw away. I don’t care for the huge number of gadgets found in recent cars either. They are more things that will break and distract from the experience of driving. These gadgets do more to disconnect the driver from the feel of the car and the environment it’s in. Disposable cars are wasteful of resources and energy use to create them, so, I rather keep what I enjoy and keep it well maintained. After living with this car for so long, this car has become more like an old friend with a nice personality to me than just transpotation. We know each other well.

Jen had her post op appointment with Dr. Shaffer at the end of October. During the exam, there were no real problems with the Labiaplasty, just small yeast infection and the usual post op recovery stuff like sutures hanging loose causing small problems. We chatted a bit with Dr. Shaffer about all those years we have been her patients. This would be the last time we will likely see her since she is moving out of the country. We are both going to miss her.

October also marks a date when I went shopping with Mia for her first bra. We went to Target’s girls section and picked out several that could work for her. With bras in hand, we went into the fitting room and I helped her try them on. She settled on three styles. Two had contour molded cups and the last had lightly padded contour under wire cups. I was surprised to find the girl bras were so similar to bras you find in the women’s underwear section except they were smaller in size. Yes, Mia felt a bit embarrassed shopping for her first bra. Regardless,
I reassured her that it’s all part of growing up towards womanhood. She was happy and possive with her Target bag as we headed to the car. This shopping trip also made me realize that she is fast becoming a young woman. This was a life experience that I never expected would happen to me. The gift of sharing moments like this with our daughter has been really special to me and gives me a sense of what it would have been like if I were born female bodied. I’m so thankful for having a daughter to share my life with.

Jen started to get back on the bike during the first week of November. It was slow going at first and trying not to over do it. After a few days and weeks, Jen’s time on the bike got progressively easier and she was able to increase her time pedaling. She told me being on the bike appears to help the recovery process. I found this to be true during my post VAG recovery too. We started pedaling together with Jen reducing our usual route lenght to suite her and heading back home while I pedaled our usual route lenght. In time, we were riding pretty much together again. Jen is pretty much back to her pre-op cycling schedule these days. Overall, recovery from LP is easier than the VAG.

Our Thanksgiving was spent with Jen’s family. Over the years, this has become a tradition for us. We gathered at Jen’s brother’s home and spent the evening enjoying a rather traditional turkey dinner. Zack was the family’s newest member. He is almost one year old and holding him tends to bring out the mom in me. I guess all those years of mothering our children is an experience that has become a fixed part of my personality. Given the opportunity, I would very seriously consider being a mom again. It’s one of the things in life that is so satisfying for me to do. Then again, being a grand parent would make me happy too.

December brought days spent speaking to high school kids about my life being born a TS woman. This was done with several other speakers that consisted of the mom of a gay son, a gay man and a lesbian woman. Many of the class members I spoke to had never met a known TS woman before. All they had were media stereotypical images of what TS women were like and they were very surprised when they learned about my male bodied past. When the class instructor asked this class to guess if we were Gay, Lesbian, Trans, etc based on what they perceived not one of them guessed I was TS. My hope was after spending time with them and sharing my life story would help them understand what life has been like being born this way. The classes heard stories from the other speakers who were gay, lesbian and the mom of a gay son. I learned from their life experiences too. When the class was done, we felt these young adults learned something about us and their false perceptions of those who are born different.

Today, I made a trip to the bank to get a check for my next Dr. Meltzer surgery date in Feb. 2006. Later this month is when my first payment for my February surgery date with Dr. Meltzer is due and our travel plans need to be made. I’m totally dreading what is ahead. It’s nearly one year post VAG for me and it all feels fine. Now I’m going to have more surgery done on that area along with the whole recovery process and dealing with what ever problems that will happen along the way. Knowing much of what is involved ahead is not something I’m looking forward to.

I’m not overly concerned with the Labiaplasty. Waiting a year to have this done does have certain advantages like no significant swelling from the previous op, the blood supply should be good from one year of recovery time, I can skip dilating for several days while recovering from the LP, my urine stream has pretty much settled and the correction is going to be a minor (if any). It has changed over the past several months of post-op recovery until just a few months ago. IMO, it is better to wait rather than getting part two done sooner. For me, I just don’t feel the need to rush to get LP done. It really is a cosmetic improvement for me. I could easily live with the way my VAG is now. My concerns for LP, nothing done during surgery that might alter the functionality of my clitoris, tissue death, asymmetry (a problem if excessive, which is quite individually subjective). I do have some webbing at the bottom apex of my vag and the urine flow rate is not as high as it could be, the direction is generally OK.

The Breast aug is an entirely different concern for me. One of our friends is having a breast aug done with Dr. Gray later this months and we have been discussing the BA topic for several months now. Her concerns with BA are very different from my concerns. She is concerned with size (worried about being too big) and scaring. The possibility of loss or change in breast sensation is not that great a concern for her as she told me that she never had that much breast sensitivity anyway. When she did a BA consultation with Dr. Meltzer a while ago, she wanted an implant in the 200cc range, but Dr. Meltzer told her that she would need to start at 250cc and up. This was more than she wanted at the time. After a long discussion with her about size and her own trials with various size implant samples, she appears to have settled on something in the 325cc range. She also has a wider chest than me. What I told her during our discussion is for a given body shape and size there is a limited range of implant sizes that would look realistic and you generally gain about 2 cup sizes in the process. Its due to the way breast implants fit and work. For me, I’m going to let Dr. Meltzer use his judgment on size. I’m not really concerned with this since I do not know of any Dr. Meltzer post BA patients who were unhappy with his choice on implant size. I believe I’m going to end up with something I the 300cc range.

Our friend who is getting a BA with Dr. Gray later this month also concerned with scaring which is why she is going to Dr. Gray. He does an under the nipple (not areola) but it turns out that her nipples are too small for a single under nipple incision, so he is going to need to do a down ward triple zig and zag. In the end, I’m not sure if this is going to be an improvement over the under areola incision. She doe not appear to heal with a raised scar the way I do, so things should work out just fine for her. Me, I have accepted scaring is just the way things are going to be, it’s part of my genetic history. While Dr. Meltzer is well aware of this in my case and he plans to do a wavy incision to reduce scaring. I have read the studies on this and generally it is an improvement, but a few patients still got a raised scar. The wavy peri-areola incision was originated by Dr. Wu in Singapore to reduce scaring. In most cases, it works well and the healed incision is nearly invisible. Regardless, I would like Dr. Meltzer to keep the incision as small as possible since it would be better to have a smaller raised scar than a bigger one. The type of incision is another area I’m going to pretty much leave it up to Dr. Meltzer.

Where our concerns are extremely different is change or loss of sensation. She is not really concerned with this, but this would be the heart breaker for me and something I would always regret after having done the breast aug. Of all the problems associated with this procedure, this problem cannot be fixed. Capsular contracture, dissatisfaction with implant size or shape, implant pocket shape, saline implant going flat (eventually they all do at some point in time), serious infection and etc can be treated with more surgery. If you have loss sensation and enough time has passed for recovery and the nerves don’t recover the change or loss, this becomes something you must live with. From speaking with a number of women who had this happen, they feel the loss of sensation is a small trade off for bigger boobies. To make things more difficult for me, this is basically unpredictable until the surgery is done and a given recovey time has passed.

Years ago when I started cross sex hormone therapy and my breast began to develop, the entire breast sensitivity thing was not really on my mind or a consideration. All I knew at that point in time was they were simply painful for most of the time. Eventually, they did settle down after the first year or so. Even then, they were not one of my sensual erogenous zones. At the time, I was still trying out various types of hormone therapy. Eventually, we figure out a mix of meds that worked well for me after a lot of experimenting and feedback from lab work, physical development, emotional states and etc. It was not until about 1-2 years post orchiectomy that my boobies became a serious erogenous zone. Looking back at my own history, if I had done a breast aug back then, the entire loss or change of breast sensations would have been a non-issue. If I did get a breast aug back then and got a change or loss of sensation, it would not matter since I would have never know the feelings I have now. You can’t regret losing something you never had.

There are many times when I wonder if my inner desire for boobies is going to become a source of sadness and regret. Many of my women friends who were born busty have told me the world really does treat them differently (sex object or toy, lack intelligence and etc) and this is some thing to seriously consider. They don’t call them, “Men Magnets” for nothing. My reasons for getting BA has little to do with arousing attention, it’s pretty much all about how I feel about my body which is very personal to me. In some ways, it's like getting a VAG done.

By the end of December, we will know the initial results of our friend’s BA and her done by Dr. Gray and her reactions to suddenly having sizable boobies.

Giving Thanks

2005-12-07T07:49:00.000-08:00

Web Journal Dec. 1, 2005

Giving Thanks

My journey has been touched many individuals along the way. The page is dedicated to recognizing some of these individuals who made a difference in my life and have been a significant part of my life’s journey.

It was my parents who brought me into this world and immigrated to America during the 1960’s after they escaped the Japanese invasion of China during the 1930’s. I was a young child of 4-5 years old with no idea where we were headed or what my future would bring. It was my mom’s sister who sponsored us and helped us settle here in America, she was the one who tended the seeds of our family in this country called America. In time, my parents have grown to love and accept their new daughter. This is not typical for an Asian family as comming out being TS will bring shame upon the family name and worst than if the family member is simply dead.

To my two sisters Diane and Fay, they both took care of me during my childhood and today accepted me with love as one of our family sisters. In the spring of 2005, Fay surprised me with a check to cover the cost of my surgery. It was Jen, Fay and my savings that made my surgery date possible. They even forgave me for all those years that I played dress up with their stuff.
I never suspected they knew about this, but they did know about what I did in their bed room. They asked me about this years later when I came out to them as TS and they were understanding with all that happened years ago.

To my best friend and daily playmate during kindergarten, Felicia. We did just about everything together and her mom would make us lunch when I visited her at home. It was a sad day when her family moved and she said goodbye to me in the school yard. I never saw her again after that day in the school yard and I still miss her companionship to this day. I hope you are well and happy after all these years.

There were a number of bullies that physically and verbally abused me during my time in elementary school. Barry Leong was the one who fought them off and took care of me during my childhood. We lost touch as we grew older and went on to junior high school but during the first day of high school, I discovered that we attended the same school. I never had a chance to meet up with him during high school as he died from a stab wound after a fight at school on the way to the hospital. This happened during the first few days of high school. This was another very sad day in my life.

To Mark Harland, my graphic arts teacher from junior high school who took in this lonely child showed me that I was worthy member of humanity and helped me discovered my talents for industrial arts.

To Eddi, who became my first real friend during our junior high school years and he is still a good friend to this day.

To Ken and his wife Malie, his folks Elaine and Peter for sharing their family’s love with me thru all these years.

To Eddy & Cecilia who took care of me during a time when I felt I had no family that cared.

To my friends on line; Robin, Gwen, Michelle, Jan, Stephe, Donna, Tara, Lilith, Katie, Briar we shared so much of our lives at time when each of us needed to figure out who we really are. In the end, each of us has found peace in life.

To friends whom I have met during my journey Cecilia, Joan, JoAnne, Trisha, Jamison, Michelle, Sis in Phx. It’s comforting to share our life stories together and knowing I’m not alone trying to deal with this state of birth.

To all those who put up web pages that were honestly helpful, Andrea, Lynn, Amber, Dr. Becky, Donna, are among just a few.

To my mom friends, Helen, Rose, Sheryl, Wendy, Melissa and Alice for sharing our lives as we watched our kids grow up and being there to support me emotionally and many other ways that made a difference during my journey.

To my health care providers;

To Dr. Toby Meltzer for a VAG that feels and looks correct and functional in ways that amazes me. It’s been said that there are those who are born with the gift of healing and sensitivity to the needs of humanity, Dr. Meltzer is definitely one of them. To the rest of Dr. Meltzer’s staff; Michael Dr. Meltzer’s surgery tech, Cheryl who took care of me during my time at Greenbaum, Carole who was able to reschedule my surgery date and made a real difference in my sanity at the time, Janet for making us laugh, Debbie for just being there and taking care of all the little but significant things we might need during out time at Greenbaum.

To the staff at Greenbaum Surgery Center Julie, Charlotte, Katie, Ellen, Ana and the rest for taking care of me during my stay at the Greenbaum hotel.

To Dr. Shaffer who was my first trans specific primary care provider and sharing her experience and insights into this state of birth.

To Dr. Brownstein for doing my orchiectomy in 2001 and putting an end to the torment of testosterone for good.

To Dr. Aslan for being open minded, willing to listen and helping me in within the limits of Kaiser P.

To My other health care providers at Kaiser P including Dr. Dea who wrote my second SRS letter with no fuss and being an advocate for trans health care at Kaiser P.

To Dr. Millie Brown (Mother Millie) for writing ‘True Selves’ the first book that made a difference in the lives of so many trans folks including me.

To Cynthia Young, our therapist and the one who help me in many ways during my journey.

To Susan my hair zapper, for zapping hair where it matters and not toasting my skin in the process. The stuff we talked about while we zapped hair was great. Yes Susan, it does not hurt you at all, it’s just me that goes OUCH!

To my ex, for sharing nearly 20 years of our lives together and the two children we had together.

And to Jen, my partner, best friend, lover, soul mate and the one that I have shared just about everything with. It’s been said that true love is one of life’s rare events and we are so lucky that we met and have traveled this journey together.

The journey to discover my true self began in 1995, 24/7 and the start of my medical transition in 2000 and today my life’s journey continues to unfold as time moves on.

New Places To Visit In Phoenix And The Trip Home

2005-11-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

New Places To Visit In Phoenix And The Trip Home
October 18, 2005

There are many mornings when I wake up feeling so thankful that I have another day to enjoy what life has to offer and collect more souvenirs from my life’s experience. There is a lot to be said about doing all you can to make the best of each and every day you have on this earth for it is finite. Over the past few days that Debbie and I have been talking about all that has happened to her. It appears that those who have had to deal with great challenges in life can see life from a very different perspective than those who have never been challenged in this way. Debbie nearly died and had to deal with a long, painful and difficult recovery, I transitioned to being physically female and there are many similarities these life experiences.

Sunday morning and I was planning to take another bike ride with our friend in Phoenix. Jen was feeling better this morning after dropping the Percocet and taking a few Tylenol and Motrin instead. We did our usual breakfast courtesy of the Holiday Inn. I was planning to head out for another bike ride with our friend in Phoenix, but we decided that a drive around Phoenix would be better for us.

This is the first day Jen is feeling good enough to take a trip like this. While Labiaplasty might be considered a less invasive procedure, it is still surgery and many underestimate the recovery time required. Knowing what we know now, it would have been a very serious challenge if we went with our original plan of me having my VAG done 6-7 days before Jen’s Labiaplasty. We would have been two semi handicapped women trying to make our way home. Yes, it we could have survived this, but wow, I’m glad things did not turn out that way. I’m not looking forward to more surgery in about three months from now. The feeling is totally different from getting my VAG done. I was driven to get that done and over with, this time around I just want to be done and over with it already so we can get on with our lives. There is a whole lot less energy and desire for more surgery. I guess it come from knowing what is involved in the recovery process and what problems can happen. Jen’s LP is still pretty swollen and painful when she moves around too much. Regardless, It appears to me that she is going to have a nice result when it’s all healed.

I called our friend in Phoenix and discussed our change in plans. Jen and I finished our breakfast, got ready and headed over to our friend’s home in Phoenix. The drive was much easier now after driving over there several times this week. The scenic route we traveled on was so much better than driving down Indian School Road which is full of traffic, not very scenic and stressful to drive on. We were welcomed with a warm hello from our friend when we arrived at her home in Phoenix. The three of us sat down to chat for awhile and planned where to visit for our day’s drive. Once we figured out where to go, the three of us went on a trip that brought us to downtown Phoenix and parts of Paradise valley that we have not been to before. We parked to take a walk around the ball park one baseball stadium. It was a pretty grand place with oversized baseballs, bats, and etc. The walk was longer than Jen expected and she was getting tired, so we headed back to the car and continued our trip. Our Drive continued on to a park in Paradise Valley that we have never been to before and one of the highest climbing parks in Phoenix.

When we arrived back at our friend’s home in Phoenix and she made us a few goodies to eat. Jen was so tuckered out from our trip that she took a short nap on the couch. It was time for me to pack my bike back in the box and have it shipped back home. Our friend and I chatted about a host of stuff while I took the bike apart and packed it. About an hour or so later, Jen woke up from her beauty nap and we got ready to head back to our room at the Holiday Inn. We said our goodbyes with a warm hug to our friend in Phoenix and thanked her for all the wonderful times and generosity she shared with us. These are memories we will always share and treasure.

We drove back to our hotel room via the scenic route and spent the rest of the afternoon taking a nap together. It was all fine until Jen woke me up and reminded me that we have a dinner date with Dr. Becky at 6:30 PM. The clock was just a bit before 6:00 PM and we had little time to get ready and drive over to the restaurant. It was amazing that we arrived at a few minutes before 6:30 PM. Dr. Becky was already there waiting for us in the restaurant’s waiting area. It was a nice warm hello for us all. Margaux was not able to join us since she had a dead line to meet for the transgender day of remembrance web page. The three of us had a nice dinner together and talked about everything from stuff Jen’s surgery, my surgery date in Feb. 2006, Dr. Becky’s recent cardiac related out patient procedure, our car project, happenings in the T* community, trans youth and health care. It was nice to have spent our dinner time together. Dr. Becky ordered a meal to go for Margaux and when the order arrived, it was time for our goodbyes until next time. Dr. Becky is very generous with her time and so willing to share with those in the T community. She really is a warm hearted soul in every way.

The rest of our evening was spent packing and getting things ready for our trip back home. We got ready for bed a bit earlier than usual knowing that the next day is going to be a long journey home.

The warm colors of the morning sky over the Scottsdale sky were ready to greet me when I awoke this Monday morning. Jen was still sleeping while I did my morning routine. Jen woke up a bit later and we spent a few moments together looking at the morning sky colors. I headed downstairs to get breakfast for us while Jen did her morning routine. Once this was done, it was down to the business of rolling our stuff into the car and drive over to AVIS car rental return. Jen check us out at the front desk and our trip back home has begun. We have done this trip several times before and now it has become pretty much routine. This is going to be our 5th round trip to Scottsdale. The AVIS car return was very efficient and the shuttle bus was waiting to take us over to the airport. When we took our baggage over to the SWA check in, they told us that the Fed Inspectors needed to approve them first.

The SWA ticket agent instructed us where to drop off our baggage and headed over to the boarding gate. Once again, we were early for our flight. It appears that the time required to get ready for a flight has become pretty efficient. The number of travelers is lower on Monday compared to the time we did this trip on a Sunday afternoon. It appears that weekdays and Saturday’s tend to have a lower volume of travelers. I spent part of the time waiting for our flight reading my medical records and writing in my journal. Jen tried to relax by finding a quiet place to sit. We did get Jen an early medical boarding pass to make it easier for her to get seated on the airplane. Our flight arrived and we boarded without incident. The flight back home a bit bumpy due to the weather conditions. Other than that, the flight was totally uneventful with no drinks or snacks. Our flight arrived a bit earlier than scheduled but we had to wait for several minutes while the gate to got ready to unload the airplane. The center isle of the plane was pack with folks antsy to get off. We just waited in our seats until the crowd thinned out a bit. It felt good to be almost back home. We headed down to the baggage claim for our bags, picked them up and caught a Taxi back home.

We were so happy to be back home again. Blasé our Parrot was happy to see us again after being away for the past week. Jen got into bed to rest from out long trip home while I headed off to pick up our mail from the post office and some food at TJ’s.

I drove the SAAB over to the post office, picked up our mail and while I was sitting in the parking lot, called Michelle to chat about our trip for longer than I should. When we were done. I headed over to TJ’s for a food shopping trip and headed home. Jen and I had a nice quiet evening together. The next day, I’m back to my usual routine.

Jen’s LP looks really good so far and is pretty much uneventful other than the usual post-op recovery process. In about three months from now, we get to do this trip again except it’s going to be my surgery date. I’m not really looking forward to more surgery. It’s been almost 10 months since my VAG and most of the healing process has completed. Just when it all has come back to feeling well, there is more surgery and recovery to deal with. Only this time, there is the added stress of my BA to deal with.

Cycling in Phoenix and Jen’s Recovery, Part 2

2005-10-30T12:52:00.000-08:00

Cycling in Phoenix and Jen’s Recovery, Part 2
October 15, 2005

During the time when Jen was in surgery at Greenbaum, I had a chance to stop the SHC medical records department to request a copy of my medical records. When I requested a copy of my medical records the clerk asked me what I’m specifically looking for in my records. I told her that I wanted a copy of my file. She processed my request and called me later that afternoon to let me know the copy of my records are ready. I picked them up Thursday morning on our way back to our hotel room. Much to my disappointment, the copies she made for me contained only my surgery report, results of a blood test (I had no idea they ran this test on me) and not much more. After reviewing this, I told the clerk I’m looking for a copy of my complete records and she was surprised at my request. A call to the medical records department on Friday afternoon verified that the copy of my records were ready for pick up. A short trip over to the SHC medical records department and $45.00 later, I had a 125-page copy of my medical records. Over the weekend, I looked over every page and learned a lot about the medical process, the procedure and my self. It was very informative, educational and helps me understand more about all that has happened.

Jen and I got up early Saturday morning and she was still a bit tired for the recovery process. Jen and I discussed my plans for today. I was going to head out for another bike ride with our friend in Phoenix. While Jen did her morning routine, I headed down stairs to fetch some breakfast for the two of us. Some hard-boiled eggs, French toast, waffles, corn flakes with milk, yogurt, cinnamon roll and chocolate muffin. After our breakfast, I got ready for the bike trip while Jen stayed in our hotel room resting and recovering.

We had planned to have Lunch with Debbie later today. Once I was ready for the bike ride, we said our goodbyes and headed off to our friends house in Phoenix. When I arrived, it was a warm hello and both our bicycles were ready to go much to my surprise. We headed off to Paradise Valley and a few other new places in Phoenix that I have never been before. We eventually reached 64th Street in Scottsdale before we began to head back to her home. The weather was simply wonderful, sunny warm with little wind. 35 miles later and just over 2 hours, our bicycle trip was over. It seems that our time together on the bike went by so fast. When we returned back to her home, I got a chance to take a shower and share a small snack before heading back to our hotel room and meet Debbie for lunch. I will always treasure these memorable bike trips and time spent with our friends in Phoenix.

The drive back to our hotel was a scenic and peaceful one. When I arrived back at the Holiday Inn and took the elevator up to our room, Debbie was waiting at the door. After a warm Debbie hello, I opened the door and Debbie greeted Jen with the same. We all chatted for a while before heading off to a local Mexican restaurant. We were all seated in a booth near a window and placed our drink and food orders. Debbie told me of a local Trans community event that evening and asked if I were interested in attending. I considered this for a moment, but decided to be with Jen instead. We talked about a host of stuff, everything from our memories of Rocky to real estate in Phoenix. Hours passed and it was time for us to head back to our hotel room. Jen was getting tired from our time together. With our leftovers in hand, Debbie drove us back to the holiday Inn and we took the elevator up to our room. Jen and I took a nap together for the rest of the afternoon. We were so stuffed from our meal at lunch that dinner would have been excessive. We did have a few nibbles from the food leftover from our lunch earlier that day.

Jen was not feeling well later that evening and I asked her what was going on. She just looked tired and a bit pale. I decided to call our Surgeon friend Dr. Kay for some advice. Once I got Dr. Kay on the phone, we chatted a bit about how Jen was feeling and eventually passed the phone on the Jen for her to chat with Dr. Kay. She suspects Jen might be running a slight fever and we should get a thermometer, some Tylenol and Moltrin. I happened to have a couple of Tylenol in my purse and Jen took them while I made a trip to Walgreen’s for the other items. When I got back to our hotel room, Jen was looking and feeling better. A check of Jen’s temperature proved it to be within the normal range, but we suspect that Jen was running a slight temperature before she took the Tylenol. Jen took a Moltrin and stopped taking the Percocet for pain. It was now time for bed, and this was a nice way to end another day in Scottsdale.

Cycling in Phoenix and Jen’s Recovery

2005-10-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

Cycling in Phoenix and Jen’s Recovery
October 14, 2005

I called our friend who lives in Phoenix yesterday night to see if she would like to got for a bike ride. After our chat on the phone, we decided to head out for a ride on this Friday morning. I asked Jen how she was feeling and if it would be OK for me to head off for a bike ride. While Jens was still tired and dealing with the recovery process, Jen felt it was OK for me to do my own thing for a while. I got dressed, headed downstairs to get some breakfast for the two of us and after we ate, I changed into my cycling stuff, loaded the bike into the car, said our goodbyes and headed over to our friends home in Phoenix. I got lost on the way over to her place, but a phone call fixed that problem quick. When I arrived at her home, she was so excited that we are finally going to head out for a ride together. We finished getting ready and head out on the Phoenix roads and bike paths. One of the bike paths we pedaled on was next to a canal and was complete with tunnels for the streets over above. I have never been on any road like this before and while my cyclist friend rolled right into and out the other side of the tunnels, I slowed down on entering the tunnel and speeded up near the exit to catch up to her. Our ride took up into places in Phoenix I have never been and the new places were great. I’m still not sure where we pedaled, but it was really nice to be able to focus on just riding and not worrying about getting lost. We did reach part of Paradise Valley. This is where I spent most of my time cycling last year when Jen was a Greenbaum recovering for SRS part 1. The time and miles went by fast and we were back at where we started. Our ride was 30 miles in about 2 hours including stops and etc. Wow that was great fun to share our time cycling, chatting about anything that came to mind and it was really enjoyable visiting parts of Phoenix that I have never been to before. The morning was not too hot, but it was windy and later that morning the temperature was in the low 90’s. The heat of the day was just beginning to happen. We went into our friend’s home where I had a chance to take a quick shower while she made lunch for us. Lunch was ready when I got out of the shower and dressed. We shared lunch together and spent time chatting about so many things that came to mind.

The time was now past noon and it was time to head back to our room at the Holiday Inn. I called Jen to check on how she was doing and what she wanted for lunch. It turns out, Jen is doing well enough, she was in bed most of the morning watching TV. She wanted a Mc D’s basic burger meal for lunch. Old habits die slow, the last time Jen had one of these in Scottsdale, the Mc D’s meal made her sick. Now it was time for me to say goodbye to our friend in Phoenix, pick up lunch for Jen and head back to the hotel. I stopped by a Mc D’s in Indian School Road on the way back to the Holiday Inn. It was around 1:30 PM when I arrived back at Room. Jen ate her lunch and we spent the rest of the afternoon taking a nap and cuddling together.

By dinner time, we decided to get a take out pizza at Oregano’s which is located across the street from Greenbaum. They have really good thin crust pizza. I ordered a garlic chicken cheese pizza and one green salad with grilled chicken. Our order required 20 minutes or so before it’s ready, so I decided to take a short visit to my new friends at Greenbaum. It was nice to see them again and they were happy that I visited them. The bad news was one of my newly post-op friends was not able to pee after the catheter came out and requires reinstallation of the catheter. Having been there and done that, it’s no fun at all. I shared my experience with her having been thru the same problem. There is comfort in hearing there is an end to that form another that has lived thru the same problem.

After almost ½ hour has passed, our pizza and it was time for me to leave Greenbaum and head over to Oregano’s to pick up our order and head back to our hotel room. Our order was ready to pick up upon my arrival. When I got back to our hotel room, Jen and I sat down in the dinning area to have din din together. The rest of our evening was a quite one with the tow of us simply spending time cuddling and resting in bed together. I did get a look at Jen’s labiaplasty healing progress. It is still swollen, and there are some dark areas on the edge of the labia.

There are no asymmetry problems and overall it does look really good. It also appears that the slight webbing between the anus and vagina has been removed. Jen has not dilated for a few days, but that should not be a problem since being a year post op, the schedule is about twice a week or so. There some advantages of waiting a year or so after vaginoplasty before getting labiaplasty. IMO, what is the rush?

I got to say, I’m not really looking forward to my surgery date in Feb 2006. Every time I think about all that we deal with in this process, it makes me cringe at all the stuff involved to get this done. This includes the emotional stress, traveling, expense, pain, recovery time, and the list goes on. For those who say being TS is a lifestyle, it makes me feel like clobbering them over the head with it. There is a part of me that would like to take that Joe Schmoe who claims this is a life style and subject them to what we live with, even if it’s just for one day. It has taken Jen and I many years to be where we are today and I’m tired of taking this from those who claim to know why we life this “lifestyle” without being born and growing up this way.

Jen’s Post Op Day One at Greenbaum

2005-10-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

Jen’s Post Op Day One at Greenbaum
October 13, 2005

I was semi awake when the nurse came into Jen’s room to take her vitals, remove the catheter. When I asked Jen about this later in the morning, she told me it was rather uneventful. I finally got up at a bit past 8:00 AM and did my usual morning routine. I slept amazingly well that night. Jen’s Breakfast arrived and we sat together to chat while during breakfast. Jen was still tired from yesterday’s events. It was shortly after Breakfast the I got a look at Jen’s revised vag, it looked like raw hamburger on the edges of the labia, the clitoris is coved by hooding and sill quite swollen. Pretty similar to just about every other newly post-op Dr. Meltzer labiaplasty I have ever seen. Jen also told me there is a lot more pain involved than the vag which is consistent with the others who have had this procedure. Jen was still tired from the stress of surgery and went back to sleep shortly after our morning events.

I started to think about my conversation with Debbie and all the events that has happened to her over the past few months. She nearly died from being shot with a gun in the hand of her ex, Charles. Today, she is thankful for each morning she awakes and has another chance to enjoy life, spend time with those who she loves and loves her. There are many mornings I wake up thinking and feeling the same way. We are lucky to be where we are today and have the ability to enjoy what life has to offer for another day. I think about how lucky Jen and I to be able to share life the way we do and how much our lives can change with a few fleeting moments of our lives. Yes, something could have gone wrong during Jen’s surgery and I’m thankful that all went well.

Today is also check out day for Jen and I spent some of the time when Jen as sleeping to get things packed and ready for us to leave. Every time we do this serves as a reminder to pack as little as possible and anything extra makes the process more difficult. Once the packing was done, I went off to visit a few of the other Meltzer patients to see how they are doing. One of Dr. Meltzer’s patients I met yesterday night told me that she came to Scottsdale with her friend who became Jealous of how well her surgery went after suffering from various problems during her surgical recovery in Thailand.

She told me that what happened has been very stressful on their friendship as she felt abandoned by her friend who said show would be there for her during her surgery with Dr. Meltzer. We chatted for a while about our lives today and in the past. I was surprised to learn that she read my blog before her surgery date and it helped her anticipate her days of recovery. The other Meltzer patient I met on that day was post-op day 6 and just had her grand opening. All went well so far. She told me that due to the lack of pre-op material, Dr. Meltzer had to build the vaginal lining from skin grafts. Every other surgeon she consulted with told her that she did not have adequate material to create a functional vagina except Dr. Meltzer. She was surprised to fine adequate vaginal size during dilation. We also shared our life experiences during our time together. All these visits with other patients reminded me of many memories from my time at Greenbaum back in February 2005. There were a number of questions my newly post-op friends asked me and I tried to answer them based on my experience. There is comfort in knowing what might happen based on another’s experience. It was rewarding for me to share what being newly post op has been like. I headed back to room# 11 where Jen is staying. By this time, she was a bit more alert and was chatting with Debbie. We all shared memories of those times we had a Greenbaum and more on what’s been going on in her life since that nearly fatal day at home.

Dr. Meltzer strolled in about this time to check on Jen around noon to see how she was doing.
He did a post op exam and all appears well and got Jen scrip for some pain meds. I asked Dr. Meltzer if we are going to be able to spend any time cycling, he told me he has not been feeling well and has not been running or pedaling on the since last week. Not good, the last thing I would like to see is him being sick and needing to cancel any scheduled surgeries. I did take the opportunity to finish asking him about the remaining questions I had regarding my scheduled BA. When we were done, he headed off to visit his next patient. I asked Jen about how being post labiaplasty was like. She told me it’s the usual post op feeling of being tired, slight bleeding and discharge from the surgical area and pretty much what we expected. She told me her urine stream now goes straight down and is no longer at an angle towards the rim.

I finished packing our stuff and moved it all down to the car. Jen rang for the nurse to tell them we were ready to check out and Charlotte returned with a wheel chair as we waited in the hall way. The ride back to Holiday Inn was short, but we had to change room due to the noise from the construction going on at the back of the hotel. We moved from room# 245 to room# 323. With keys in hand, we opened the door and got Jen in bed where she took a nap and got some more rest. I told Jen I’m going to head off to Walgreen’s pick up her pain meds and a few other items we needed. It was already 4 PM when we got back to our room and I was hoping that there would be time for me to take a short bike ride since I got the bike assembled on Wednesday night before going out for bike rides with our friend in Scottsdale.

I drove over to Walgreen’s, dropped of the scrip and asked the pharmacist how long it would take for the meds to be ready. The pharmacist told me it should ready in 20 minutes and they would cal me when it’s ready. I headed off to the magazine section to spend the time. 20 minutes passed and the meds were not ready after I asked the pharmacist. She told me the dosage was missing and they had to call Dr. Meltzer’s office to find out the dosage information. How much longer I asked? Dr. Meltzer’s office returned the call quickly and the pharmacist told me the meds should be ready in another 10 to 15 minutes. Jen called me on the cell phone to see if they had a sitz bottle at Walgreen’s and to pick one up if they do. It was one of the little items that was forgotten when check out from Greenbaum. I looked around and did not find one, so I decided to take a short walk over to Greenbaum to get one. Charlotte was still there I arrived and asked her for a sitz bottle. She went to get a sitz bottle, ice bag, spare post op panties and a pad that was service with a smile. One more trip down the elevator and back over to Walgreen’s to see if Jen’s meds were ready.

When I arrived at the pharmacy the meds were still not ready and much to my shock and amazement the folks working in the pharmacy were spending more time chatting among themselves and carrying on than getting the scripts filled. I stood there steaming over this as I have been waiting for over an hour for Jen’s meds. If they simply told me that filling the scripts would take more like an hour rather than 20 minutes or so, I would not have been so pissed off.
Eventually, I did get the meds, but after all that, I called the store manager to complain. Even more surprising was hearing the store manager defending the workers at the pharmacy. This made me more pissed off as I left the store and headed back to our hotel room. I was planning to head out for a short bike ride before the sunset on that day to check out how well the bicycle is working, but it was too late when I finally returned. We spent the evening together with Jen sleeping in bed most of the time.

Jen's Surgery Day

2005-10-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

Jen's Surgery Day
October 12, 2005

I did not sleep that well yesterday night and spent part of the time writing my previous journal entry. I found myself waking up after listing to an Enya CD. It was 2:00 AM before I woke up and went on to bed. I got up this morning around 6:30 AM to get ready for our day ahead. Jen was not up and around until after 7:00 AM. Jen and I got ready for our appointment at Dr. Meltzer’s office. We arrived at Dr. Meltzer’s office at a just before 9:00 AM and met Debbie at the front desk. I was really surprised to see her, she looked great! After our warm greetings and short chat, she went to get the room ready for us. Jen and I sat down in the waiting room for what appeared to be a short time before Debbie told us that our room is ready. We followed Debbie into the exam room and Jen sat down on the familiar dental chair. I sat down on the chair to the right. Debbie handed us two black robes to change into. Jen and I looked at each with early morning eyes, undressed and put on our robes. Debbie returned into our room, while she took Jen’s temperature and other patient info, Debbie and I began to chat about all that’s been happening in her life since that incident with her ex. At one point during our conversation, we both got tearful and comforted each other with a big warm hug. Debbie is so thankful to have received the many gifts of love and caring that was given to her by those individuals touched by her spirit. I’m so glad to see her doing so well after all that has happened to her only a few months ago.

A short while later, Dr. Meltzer entered our exam room. He was a bit under the weather from the previous week, but still cheerful and charming as ever. After a bit of bicycle chat, he went on to do Jen’s Labiaplasty pre op exam. Jen wanted IV sedation for this procedure, make an adjustment to her urine stream. Otherwise, it was a rather routine Dr. Meltzer Labiaplasty. Now it was my turn, ug.. We chatted as the exam chair rolled back and he did an exam for Labiaplasty. I was concerned with the need for some hair zapping around the clitoral area that becomes the hooding. It turns out that there is enough clear area to get the clitoral hooding done without any hair zapping. I was surprised, relieved and feeling very lucky that was able to skip the entire genital electrolysis (hair zapping) for both surgeries. I don’t really have any problems with urine stream problems (it’s more like a downward pour) and since my clitoris is relatively flat, I don’t have a problem with rubbing on a very sensitive clitoris. In many ways, I could skip the Labiaplasty and be OK with the way things are now. Labiaplasty would be an improvement more than a required procedure. We discussed my eye catching raised scars and while it’s pretty much the same as we discussed the last time, I did consult with a skin doc on this a few weeks before our trip to Scottsdale and it looks like a series steroid injection to flatten them. This is pretty much what Dr. Meltzer told me the first time he examined them. I should do something about them some them in the near future, but I’m not looking forward to a series of really painful steroid injections. We moved on to the next schedules surgery, breast aug. This began with, “how small could you make the incision?” Dr. Meltzer is well aware of the way my body tends to heal with raised scars. While there is a difference between surgical incisions and skin trauma, I still believe what ever incision is going to heal with a raised scar. To minimize this, the smaller the incision, the smaller the raised scar. Our discussion began to take on the feel of a buyer / seller at bazaar. Seriously, there is a finite space required to do this. I did mention Dr. Gray’s tiny incision (about 0.5” under the actual nipple) Dr. Meltzer was curious about the consistency of his results from this. In the end, it came down to less the half the diameter of my areola which is less than 1” or so. The norm for a peri areola incision is 1.5” or half the areola diameter. With that out of the way, we continued to my primary concern, the loss of sensation question. I mentioned to Dr. Meltzer that when I posed this question to a number of BA patients, the reply was extremely varied. From just fine post op to totally numb over one year post-op.

What he told me was the primary factor is what happened during the implant dissection process. If the pocket is made wider, there is a greater chance of damaging the nerve that connects to the breast, areola and nipple. It is possible to alter the implant pocket dissection process by significantly reducing the width of the pocket and staying as far away as possible to the nerve area around the pocket area and areola. This also means a smaller implant which is fine with me.

Dr. Meltzer told me of a case when he was in Portland where the patient canceled her BA for exactly my same concerns. At that point, I mentioned that maybe this is a procedure I should not do for this reason, his reply, “no not really, there are ways to reduce this risk.” Hearing this was a bit comforting, regardless, in the world of surgery and most everything in life there are no 100% guarantees, just varying degrees of risk. That is when I mentioned the reason for all my worry and concern over the loss of sensitivity problem is due to me being breast orgasmic and something I really don’t want to lose. He agreed that losing this would not be a good thing. Several years ago when I first began hormone therapy, my developing boobies definitely hurt like any other girl going thru puberty. Even after a year or so after my Orchiectomy, my breast did not have the degree of sensitivity they do today. I believe in my case, it’s a time to mature development thing. Thinking back to when I first started HT, losing sensitivity due to BA would not have been that big an issue for me. It’s only in recent years and being able to share with a loving partner that this has become a serious issue for me.

As for implant size, it’s one of the focal issues that concern the majority of women who get a BA. Dr. Meltzer does implant sizing while you are on the OR table. After a look at my boobies, he notes that I don’t have a very wide chest and his estimation for implant size would be in the 300ish cc range. Not far from what I discovered after I tried on a large number of implant sizers during my long Dr. Gray consultation back in April 2005. Dr. Gray suggested implants in the 450cc range for me…errr.. I don’t think so, “your’re not the one who has to live with them.”

I honestly believe the enjoyment and sharing of sex between two individuals is not primarily for pro creation, but emotional bonding between two individuals. This topic is discussed at length in Prof. Joan Roughgarden’s book ‘Evolution's Rainbow: Diversity, Gender and Sexuality in Nature and People’. Her book counters one of Darwin’s theories that sex is primarily for pro creation. It’s well worth the read.

While there were still more BA stuff I wanted to discuss with Dr. Meltzer, the clock was rolling towards 11:00 AM and Jen’s surgery is scheduled for 12:45 PM, so, I cut my consultation short thinking that I could discuss this again with Dr. Meltzer during the next day or so during one of his post-op visits with Jen at Greenbaum.

We left Dr. Meltzer’s office and headed over to Greenbaum for Jen’s surgery date.

Jen signed in, registered and filled out the usual pre-op paper work. It was a very short time later that one of the OR nurses called Jen and she was on her way. I waited for the call to join Jen in the pre op area. 45 minutes passed and after a few inquires, they finally allowed me to join Jen in the pre-op area. For what ever reason, everything seemed to run late today. This started with our appointment with Dr. Meltzer to the events at Greenbaum.

The pre-op area looked all too familiar. Jen was in stall# 11. She had the usual IV, taken a pre-op sedative and laying on the gurney partly spaced out from the meds. We held hands and waited for her surgery to begin. As more time passed, the two of the OR nurses appeared and was ready for Jen. There was also another RN named Bill who administered and injection in Jen’s arm. The clock rolled past 1:00 PM, this was 15 minutes past Jen’s scheduled surgery time.

At 1:05 PM, Dr. Meltzer appeared, check on Jen for a few moments and Jen’s Labiaplasty is ready to begin. I took a few more pre-op area pictures as the two OR nurses rolled her gurney into the OR. It was time to head back to our hotel room, pack our stuff for the overnight stay at Greenbaum. I zapped a burrito from TJ’s for lunch along with some Cranberry juice. I had a free moment and called Michelle to chat. Michelle and I chatted about our Dr. Meltzer appointment this morning. As I told her about what happened during our appointment, she said, “Ok, let’s get to what you decided to do about your schedules BA in February?” Michelle and I have been discussing this over the past several weeks. Yes, she got a BA with Dr. Meltzer along with her VAG a few months ago. In her case, everything worked out just fine. I told her, “Yes, I’m going to do the BA with my LP in February.” Yes, I’m leaning towards that direction and I did feel a bit better about this after discussing this with Dr. Meltzer, but I got to say it is a reserved yes. There is still the fear of me doing something I’m going to seriously regret for all the long winded reasons that has appeared in my blog over the past several months. It is possible that after my BA is confirmed, fee paid and etc that come surgery day that I would cancel while I’m on pre-op gurney. I don’t what this to happen, so I need to get comfy with saying yes to getting a BA. This has been the most difficult elective surgery choice I have made in my life. Every other surgery was such a simple and easy decision for me. What a way of allowing one’s desire to cause so much grief and stress over the past several months. Michelle and I finished our phone conversation and I got off the phone, loaded everything into the car and headed over to Greenbaum.

It was early when I arrived at Greenbaum so a trip to the second floor to visit would be a nice thing to do. Into the elevator and when the elevator doors opened, all the memories of my days at Greenbaum came roaring back. Many of the nursing staff remembered me instantly. After a few quick warm greetings, I moved our stuff into the room where Jen is scheduled to stay. Once this was done, I went back down stairs to wait for Dr. Meltzer to come out to discuss how Jen’s surgery went. I arrived back at Greenbaum at just 3:00 PM estimating that Jen’s surgery would take about 2 hours after they began. After my arrival at Greenbaum, I took an elevator ride up to the second floor to visit and went over to the nurse’s station. Much to my surprise, Katie was taking a group picture of the nursing staff. Many members of the nursing staff remembered me and were quite surprised to see me. Since they were taking a group picture, I got out my camera and took a few too. After a bunch of warm greetings, I headed back down stairs to wait for Jen.

The time passed like Jell-O stuck in an hour glass. No sign of Dr. Meltzer either. I took several trips up to the second floor and back to the first floor trying to find out any news on Jen’s status.
It was not until 4:30 PM that Jen finally arrived at room 11. Jen was still pretty loopy from the meds when she arrived, but semi awake enough to chat for a bit and order dinner. Jen had chicken fajita and I had the chicken with cheese and tomato sauce. She was pretty hungry after not eating anything since our dinner with friends from the previous night. After dinner, Jen went to sleep, knackered from the stress of surgery and all the events of the day.

I took some time to relax in Jen’s room after such an eventful day. The nurses would come into Jens room once every hour or so to take her vitals. Jen had an Oximeter alarm that would go off every so often when her pulse rate got below 40 BPM. That is the lower limit set on the Oximeter. It turns out that we have a tendency to do this as it was due to our low resting pulse rate for all the cycling we do. The nurse adjusted the lower limit and the Oximeter and the problem went away.

I decided to visit a few of Dr. Meltzer’s patients while Jen was sleeping. The visits were welcomed by every patient I visited. As we shared our stories and parts of our lives, the experience was emotionally healing and bonding for us.

The nursing staff changed shifts and I got a chance to say hello a few of the night shift nurses when I was at Greenbaum in February. I was nice to see then again.

The clock was nearing 10:00 PM when I got back to our room. It was also a dilation day for me. So I asked one of the nurses for some bedding and it arrived shortly after my request. I even remember how the roll out sleeper worked. Once the sleeper was rolled out, I put the bed together, changed into my night gown and began the date with my plastic boyfriends #3, #4, and #5. It was really strange dilating in the same room where Jen stayed for her VAG almost exactly one year ago.

Once my date was done, I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep. After all the events of the day, I was tired, very tired, but the first night post op is always a noisy due to all the monitoring activity and I learned from my time at Greenbaum that taking a sleeping pill works for me as I’m a light sleeper and wake easily from all that activity.

What a way to spend our Anniversary.

Back to Scottsdale

2005-10-12T01:21:00.000-07:00

Back to Scottsdale
October 11, 2005

We have been cleaning the house, getting stuff ready and packing since Thursday in preparation for our trip back to Scottsdale. The time has come for Jen’s Labiaplasty date with Dr. Meltzer on October 12 just before 1:00 PM. Our morning was slightly stressful since this is the fourth time we have made the trip to Scottsdale. It’s become rather routine. The only thing that did not work out well was the shuttle to the airport. They were just over thirty minutes late and the last time we are using Real Airport shuttle. It appears that cabs are more reliable. We had planned extra time for delays just in case stuff like this happens. When we got to the SWA curb side check in everything wet just fine and the security check was pretty much routine without problems. Jen and I shared a Cal garlic chicken pizza while we waited for our flight to depart for PHX. The flight was right on schedule and arrived on time without incident. Baggage pickup and rental car pickup was just the same. After we got our land yacht Buick Le saber rental car, we headed towards the Holiday Inn on Scottsdale road. We brought a portable GPS to help us find our way around this time. When we reached Scottsdale Road, we continued on to Trader Joes for some food shopping and headed back to the Holiday Inn. Jen check us in and we moved all our stuff up to our room and spent some time relaxing before heading to meet a friend for dinner at her home. The drive over to her home went with out incident and when we arrived, it was all hugs and warm greetings as we sat outside to chat before dinner started. The meal of roasted chicken, veggies, salad and dessert of rice pudding with rice pudding was scrumptious. We shared some wine too. It was simply a wonderful evening with friends. The bicycle I had sent a few weeks ago arrived in fine condition. The bike and my bike stuff were unpacked and loaded into our car. The drive back home was a quite one. We moved the bike up to our hotel room where I put the bike back together. I’m planning to take the bike out for a short spin to make sure everything is working fine. While I was putting the bike back together, Jen dilated for the last time before Labiaplasty scheduled for tomorrow. She went to bed early and I’m still up writing.

Tomorrow Morning at 9:00 AM, Jen has a pre-op appointment and I have a consultation for my scheduled BA & LP also, I hope the BA question can be resolved tomorrow so I can stop stressing over it. Once our appointment is done, we are headed over to Greenbaum for Jen’s LP. I will be staying with Jen in her room over night at Greenbaum. I’m no looking forward to sleeping on that lumpy roll out bed again.

I’m hoping that Jen’s LP goes just fine without incident, but all surgery holds not guarantee results, just varying degrees of risk.

Each time we return to Scottsdale, it feels like returning back to a familiar place that’s an important part of our life’s journey.

Almost Time For a Return to Scottsdale

2005-09-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

September 15, 2005

It’s been just over 6 months since I pedaled up Old La Honda Road and back home via Portola valley. This is one of my favorite rides, 50 odd miles and a few thousand feet of climbing overall. This is one of my favorite bike rides due to the peaceful experience of being on the back roads of Portola Valley alone with my favorite two wheel friend (Serotta Legend, Campy, Veloflex tires) and my thoughts and emotions. This ride reminds me of how much fitness I have loss since surgery and how much fitness has been recovered to date. Cycling has remained one of the simple joys in my life since my late teens.

Camille started middle school at the end of August. The school had a new student orientation night and the three of us, Camille, my ex and I attended. We had a take out dinner together at home after this event. Yes, it’s been over 6 years since my transition and I would not have guessed this would be spending time together like this so many years ago. Time does have a way of healing past hurts.

Our trip for Jen’s labiaplasty is not far away, just over a month from now. Everything is pretty much scheduled and ready. I’m planning to bring a bike again to go cycling in Scottsdale and Phoenix. The first time we were in Scottsdale I had to learn where to go cycling, this time, I’m looking forward to cycling with friends and seeing new places in Phoenix and Scottsdale.

There is not much more to say about my vag, it’s just feels like a part of me that has always been there. I started using estrace vag cream a few months ago to help soften and moisten my vulva. After using this cream for over a month, it works as advertised, but the mess, ick.. Even one gram of this stuff runs out of me after a day or so and makes an icky mess on my undies. I switched to VagiFem inter vaginal estrace tablets. It’s been about a week of so since the switch, but it appears to have the same effect as the cream without the icky mess.

I’m scheduled for Labiaplasty in February 2006 and I’m still sitting on the fence with the breast aug. deciding on the breast aug seemed so simple when I first considered it. Figure out the size you want, decide with the help of your surgeon incision site and implant placement, book a surgery date, do surgery time in the OR and deal with the recovery. That was many months ago, since then I have done two consultations with other surgeons, spoke to a whole lot of women who had this done, did a whole lot of research on this procedure. Now the choice is not so simple. It turns out; your implant size choice is rather limited for a given body if you want them to look reasonable. You typically end up being two cup sizes larger due to the way implants fit on a given body. Even the implant shape is rather limited for a given body. There are possible problems with capsular contracture, implant deflation, post-op asymmetry, eventual implant replacement during one’s life time, etc and what worries me most ‘loss of sensation’ post-op and I keloid badly with any injury. What I discovered after discussing the breast aug procedure with women who had it done was their primary concern was size and appearance and scaring due to incision location. Most were not that concern with loss of sensation, so that was not usually considered a problem for them. For me, the loss of sensation could be the deal breaker. While I’m willing to accept risk, it is the degree of risk that is involved that really matters in my BA decision. The keloid issue can be OK if the incision is made as small as possible. In my case, the bigger the incision, the bigger the keloid post-recovery. I’m booked for LP and BA in February 2006 and my decision on BA has got to happen no later than early December 2005. That is when the bill for these procedures is due.We will see what happens after my consultation date with Dr. Meltzer in October.

I just want to be done and over with all these surgeries. None of them has ever been fun.

We were at a few car events recently, Concorso (Show specifically for Italian Cars), a Lancia owners get together and the British car meet which is a local low key event that is a lot of fun.

Jen’s TR3 just got the engine and transmission installed and a few other items remain to get this car back on the road. It’s looking like late fall and this car will finally be done after being in the garage for nearly two years. To think this started out with a small drip from the back of the transmission.

The devastation caused by storm Katrina and the resulting flood will go down in history as one of the major disasters of our time. The loss of human life and suffering continues to this day on a grand scale. This disaster also illustrates how inept and incompetent bureaucrats in government are as clueless as to how devastation on this level needs to be handled.

The murder trial of Gwen ended with two convicted of 2nd degree murder and one mistrial (again). I’m not at all surprised at the out come. I was surprised that they got even this far. Fact is, most of society continued to believe trans folks are of lesser value to society and these members of humanity are not worthy or equal. I’m no longer able to read any more about the goings on with the Gwen trial. It has become emotionally too much for me to read about this case any more. What makes thing worst is I’m reminded of Gwen’s death on my birthday.

Maybe one day, society can grow to understand who trans folks really are and discard the images and stereotypes perpetuated by the media, Hollywood, religious beliefs against trans folks based on an individuals interpretation, social ignorance and irrational fear of what is not understood of trans folks.

News came from one of my TS woman friends that her boy friend during the past two years proposed marriage to her. She is a recent post op and was hesitant to inform her BF of her history. One day, she did, and during the seconds of silence that appeared to drag on for what appeared to be an eternity, her history was not an issue to him. He loves her for who she is and for not just being physically attractive. It appears that their relationship is based on emotional connections and not just physical attraction or sex. I’m so happy for them. There is also the possibility of me being a bridesmaid at their wedding. What surprises life can bring! They went engagement ring shopping together recently ans she found a ring that was smiling at her. To top that off, the ring was just the right size. It also goes to show how many of those who are post transition many years can find happiness and a rather typical life so many take for granted.

An older couple I met during the trans family event told me their adult child is scheduled for vaginoplasty with Dr. Meltzer some time this fall. I wished then well and spent a bit of time getting to know them. Much to my surprise, I got an email from their daughter with a note of thanks saying that after her folks met me and spent time to get to know me, it changed their perspective of what post transition TS woman are like. I never expected any thing like this to happen or the effect just being me would have on others. It’s a nice feeling to discover spending time with others can have such a positive effect on the lives of others.

Six Months Later

2005-07-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

Six Months Later

I got a call back from Debbie one afternoon. While her mouth was still wired closed, we did manage to chat for a short time. Overall, she is doing well and her son has been taking care of her at their home. I was so relieved and happy to hear from her and know she is well on the road of recovery. She has been thru a lot over the past few weeks and we hope for brighter days ahead for her in the future.

The beginning of August marks month 6 since my surgery date and it already feels like that was a very long time ago. The memory of what my previous anatomy was has become a very distant memory. My dilating schedule is once daily before bed time with #3, #4, and #5 for 30-60 minutes. I have also switched to Astroglide and found it is the best lubricant so far and a little goes a long ways with less mess.

****I’m Tired Of Dilating and Plastic Boy Friends****

My VAG worked out just fine and I’m very happy with the results to date. I’m thankful for Dr. Meltzer, his staff and the staff at Greenbaum for how they have made a very significant difference in my life. When time permits, I will write a thank you page to all of these and other individuals who made a difference in my life’s journey. This journey is never done alone and there are great number lives that are involved in this journey.

A bit of bad news, I got a Urinary Tract Infection the day of Cecilia Chung’s birthday party so we were not able to attend. I’m totally bummed out over it as Cecilia is one of those friends who are special to me.

The good news, knowing a UTI is starting to happen, I got medical care quick along with some fast acting meds and got the UTI under control within a day. I have had these before when I was a pre-op and they are not much different post-op, equally awful and painful.
I have wondered if changing my hormonal makeup has made me more prone to UTI or is this something that is a fact of life for so many women.

After dealing with my UTI problem for a day, I was worried about being able to attend the event for Trans Families. I’m on a panel of trans folks to discuss our life experiences with parents who have children young and old who are trans. Some of these trans kids are 10 years old and the majority of them are female to male. amazing how information has changed every thing from years ago when so little good information was availiable anywhere.

In the current view of those who are trans, it is believed female to male trans folks are rare, but from my experience and what I have observed, I believe the number of female to male trans folks are about equal to those who are male to female. Many are living in the Lesbian community and are less then willing to come out as a F to M. It's like jumping ship to the 'other side'. What surprised me most about attending this event was the love and support from the parents of these trans children. When these parents were sharing their stories of their children who are born trans, it got me tearful listening to them. It reminded me so much of my own childhood and what my life could have been like if I were a trans child today with parents like this, one of my wishes for the future is to see a good support and education system for all of those who are born trans or intersex that will make a real difference in their lives. As the reality of this human condition becomes better and more truthfully understood, maybe one day, humanity can be a better place for all who are members of humanity. The discussion went well and it appears that we all got some good from this event.

I met Anita at this event. She is 30 years post-op (Dr. Biber Girl) married to as great hubby and lived totally stealth for most of that time. She is part Hawaiian and did sex work to support herself during her youth when there no other options in her life. Her Hawaiian side of the family loved and supported her while the other side of her family totally dis-owned her. After a reunion with a group of her group of Hawaiian sisters from over 30 years ago, she decided to come out and try to make a difference in the lives of trans youth. She also got tired of living in the closet for so long.

That was a long event day for us and we decided not to join the group for dinner. Jen and I headed home and had our usual at Uno-Mas along the way. When we arrived home and rested a bit, we spent a bit of time working on Jen’s Triumph TR-3, installing the pedal box assembly, fuel tank and battery box. There is still a bunch of things to get done before the engine and transmission can be installed, but it is getting closer each time we do more work on the car. I would have never guessed that working on cars would be an activity post transition, specially with the my loved one in my life.

We spent the previous weekend with Jen’s family at Lake Tahoe. The weather was sunny and HOT. We spent part of the time pedaling on the roads in Tahoe that included a climb from 6,000 feet to 8,000 feet on Hwy89. I’m still not at the fitness level previously and it’s still going to be a while before more of that returns. My resting pulse has begun to come down again, it was in the 60’s before and now it’s back in the mid 50’s. I still don’t have the same power or aerobic endurance as before, but with more time on the bike, I’m pretty sure all that will return. I got a surprise when the mom of Camille’s friend called me on the cell phone to tell me they were in Lake Tahoe too. After a few trying connections via cell phones, we finally chatted without break ups over a regular phone line to set up a time to get together. The five of us spent a sunny Sunday afternoon hiking on a nature trail near Emerald lake and the nest day Camille spent part of the day with her friend Elise at their place before we the long drive back home. It was a nice treat to spent time with friends and family in Lake Tahoe.

Speaking of Cycling, Lance Armstrong won his 7th Tour De France. This is history in the making. No cyclist in history has done what Lance has done and I don’t believe it will be equaled in my life time. I remember Lance when he was a young cycling talent in the early 90’s. He was also arragont and immature back them which put him on my less than favorite list. Today, he has grown into a very special cyclist and mature individual. Anyone who has lived thru what his life has been like cannot come out unchanged. You don’t survive a lethal form of cancer and the treatment process, train as a pro cyclist the way he did and win the events he did and remain the same after all of those life experiences. My hope is that he continued to be an inspiration for so many who are dealing with cancer and cycling in the states. We both wear one of Lance’s yellow bracelets when we are out cycling these days. There other Americans who rode in the TDF this year and finished in the top 10, 6th Levi Leipheimer (USA) Gerolsteiner and Lance’s previous team mate 9th Floyd Landis (USA) Phonak Hearing Systems. One of my local favroites, Chris Horner who was with Webcor's pro men's team came in at 33rd. Great for a first TDF. Years ago when I watched Greg Le Mond win the TDF in 1986, it was a very significant event in the states cycling world and I hoped back then that cycling would become a more significant part of American culture. I have always been a Greg Le Mond fan. I met him once in person in the 1980's at a bicycle trade show. He is a soft spoken, kind and down to earth spirit. Now, it looks like with all of Lance Armstrong’s life achievements cycling might become a more significant part of American culture. Just think how much healthier Americans would be if they pedaled several time a week and took better care of themselves?

I must mention 5 members of the Australian women's cycling team was critically injured and Amy Gillett, 29, was killed during a training ride in Germany by a young driver who just receiver her license. http://www.cyclingnews.com/riders/2005/diaries/AIS/?id=/features/2005/amy_gillett I’m deeply saddened by this event and it also should remind every cyclist to be as careful as possible when you’re out on the road. Fact is, this could happen to any cyclist any where in the world at any time.

Barbara’s manual script for the book on the lives of trans folk and her own journey is basically done. The struggle now is to find a publisher. I have no idea when this night happen, but with good luck and fate a major publisher might take on this project. If not, Barbara is planning to “self” publish this book. A group of us that has our stories in this book got together for dinner one night and had a fun time. Barbara and I are going to try and plan another meeting so we can discuss what to do wit the proceeds (if any) from this book. Our hope is, the majority of proceeds from this book would go to a non-profit organization that can offer services to help the trans community overall. Only time will tell.

I’m a bit concerned over what major publishers will do to writers in order to get their books published. I remember being told a story about Mother Millie Brown’s book, ‘True Selves’. She basically signed off all rights to this work in order to get it published by a major publisher. Mother Millie never really profited from this work and it was the publisher who got fattened.
All this is so similar to what is done in the music recording business.

Our plan to return to Scottsdale in October for Jen’s labiaplasty is nearly complete. There are only a few more little things that need to be done. We have a consultation with Dr. Meltzer the morning of Jen’s surgery date and plan to stay in the area for several days after Jen’s surgery before flying back home. My orginal Surgery date was in October 2005, but that date got moved up. The plan was for me to get the VAG done and Jen's labiaplasty done several days later. Bad idea, it would have been awful with the two of us basically out of whack trying to make the trip back home. The post-op care at home would have been more than a bit challanging fo the two of us. Good thing that plan never became reality.

Either one of us is excited about having more surgery, but it’s part of completing the process. It should be a relatively easier procedure for Jen since she is scheduled for labiaplasty only and there does not appear to be any significant additions to this procedure. Labiaplasty is still about a two hour procedure. I’m scheduled for the same in Feb 2006 except I’m still struggling with getting my boobs done at the same time. The whole breast aug thing seemed pretty simple when I first considered it, but after chatting with several other patients and doing a LOT of research on the procedure, it’s no longer so simple. It’s been taking a up a lot of space in my mind recently and I’m hoping my consultation with Dr. Meltzer in October will help me resolve at least part of my decision process.

One of three thing are going to happen. I’m going to have combined labiaplasty and breast aug with Dr. Meltzer in Feb 2006, Labiaplasty with Dr. Meltzer in Feb 2006 and breast aug with Dr. Gray at some other date or Labiaplasty with Dr. Meltzer and give up on the breast aug and live with what I got.

Jen and I purchased a silver quarter that has been cut in half with the word LOVE at an art show recently. Jen wears one half and I wear the other half. This our first piece of shared jewelry. We plan to get something similar when we are in Scottsdale as that will always be a place that holds special memories for both of us… We are looking forward to spending time with friends when we are back in Phoenix.

Time will tell….

I Don’t Understand Why..

2005-05-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

I Don’t Understand Why..

May 3, 2005

I got some news today from Scottsdale, Debbie’s BF Rocky was shot and killed on May 1^st, 2005 at their home by her ex husband Charles. Debbie was also shot and in serious condition after this incident.

Debbie Storey is Dr. Meltzer’s patient assistant. She does the things to take care of you while you are recovering at the Greenbaum hotel, like run errands to getting your favorite ice cream treat or just chat. She can be a godsend for Dr. Meltzer’s patients who have surgery alone with no one else to help or support them.

When will the suffering stop? Debbie has spent over 20 years in an abusive marriage relationship with children and was finally able to break away from Charles. She met Rocky at a garage sale when they both reached for the same music CD and ended up haggling over it. I met Rocky on Sunday when Debbie came to visit Dr. Meltzer’s patients at Greenbaum. He offered to get me a treat from Walgreen’s since they were headed there to pick up some stuff for another patient. Thanks, nothing for now, but the next day Rocky gave me a box of chocolates with his card and a message. I will always remember Rocky from that day. He was a charming hunk with a soft heart. He worked as a real estate agent in the Phoenix area. He told me one day he would like to open a place to help children in need, that was one of his dreams, a dream that will never come true for him to witness. I will not forget the sense of his sprit and the foot prints he left on my heart.

Over the past few days, I felt something was wrong and was not able to put my finger on it. When I got the email regarding Debbie, it clicked and realized this was the event that was calling me. I’m deeply saddened and tearful by what has happened. It feels like part of my family has suffered a great loss. It makes me wonder how an individual like Charles can be so selfish to take away a loved one from another member of humanity. Then feeling guilty enough to try and kill himself after murdering Rocky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May. 2, 2005 12:00 AM

One dead, two injured in shooting at home

PHOENIX - A man shot his estranged wife and killed her boyfriend before turning the gun on himself, police said Sunday.

Charles Storey, 57, of Fountain Hills, was in critical condition after a triple shooting that began at 7 a.m. when he came to the house where his estranged wife, Debbie Storey, was living with Vincent "Rocky" Dziepak.

According to police, Charles Storey shot and killed Dziepak, 50, as Dziepak stood in the driveway of his home in the 6800 block of East Paradise Lane.

Police believe Charles Storey next shot his estranged wife as she stood in the front doorway of the home. He shot himself inside the home, Sgt. Randy Force said.

Debbie Storey, 50, was in serious condition at St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center.

Charles Storey was in critical condition at John C. Lincoln Hospital.

Dziepak was pronounced dead at the scene.

LIfe is Good :-)

2005-04-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

April 18, 2005

Wow, I can cross my legs again. This might not appear to be a big deal, but it really is. I have finally healed and recovered enough to do this and get back on my bike again. This was the first week I went out on the bike 3 times this week. The rides are between 1 to just over 2 hours for each ride. My fitness is significantly lower than where it was in late January, but there is no real surprise to this. I have been trying to get back on the bike for the past three weekends and a few times during the week. But this was the first week things really felt right. This was also the week Jen and I started to ride together again, just like what we did before. The bike handling skills are definitely there, but my power and endurance is lacking.

How much difference, a 22 mile ride on the local roads with stop lights and stop signs would take me about 1 hour 15 minutes when my fitness was good, now, it takes at about 15 minutes extra. My bike fit changed slightly since I have not been on the bike for so long. The seat on my bike got lowered by ~ 5mm to compensate for my lower flexibility and my reach to the handlebars needs to be shorter to prevent rubbing and pressing on my clitoris, this is a problem many women cyclist have. I know in time, my fitness and body will recover and I can resume my proper bike fit position with some adjustment to accommodate my current anatomy.

All of my post-op problems have pretty much resolved with the passage of time. There is still a tiny spot of granular tissue at the apex of my vagina. But it’s a minor problem that should resolve in short time. The places where my sutures split have pretty much completely healed. This was what kept me off the bike for so long, if this did not happen, I believe I could have been back on the bike at 4 weeks post-op. My time spent dilating has been reduced to twice daily, once in the morning and once at night for 30 to 40 minutes. I can begin to have a real life again. I moved up to the #3 (33mm Dia) dilator a few weeks ago and now I pretty much use the # 4 (35mm Dia) and #5 (38mm Dia) tapered. The #5 is about a big a dilator I care to deal with. When I first saw and held the #5 dilator, it seen so unreal that it would ever fit in me, but much to my surprise it does now. Some time in the beginning of June, I should be able to reduce my dilating schedule down to once a day for about 30 to 40 minutes. After 6 months or so, I should be able to reduce dilating down to once every few days depending on how my body reacts to the reduction. If my vagina becomes tight again after not dilating for a while, I get to increase the frequency to gain back the elasticity. This is one of the facts of life for a post vaginoplasty TS woman for the rest of their lives along with hormone therapy. Post op care is something none of the shows in the media made about the lives of TS women ever discuss or has any degree of public awareness.

What I can say about having this or any surgery, it really pays to be physically healthy and physically fit. Your recovery time will be shorter and your body is better able to handle the stress of surgery. It’s a really good idea to be physically fit and healthy regardless. When you take care of your body, it will take care of the soul that lives within.

Dr. Meltzer and Linda were in town to do a presentation at Cal Dreaming this weekend. I knew he would be in town and was hoping that we could schedule a post-op check up with him. I did not know he did this until Janet mentioned this to me. I called the office to see if a time would be available, but the schedule was much in flux since both Dr. Meltzer and Linda were at the HBIGDA meeting held in Italy. They just got back a few days before this trip to Cal Dreaming. I called the office on Wednesday to see if a time would be available, but was told they would not be doing this since Linda might not be with Dr. Meltzer on this trip out. I was bummed since there was some question on my mind for him to answer. My friend Kara, got a message to our group that he will be in town and will be doing post-op check ups at Cal Dreaming. Jen and I had planned to see Dr. Meltzer’s presentation anyway, but now we had to be there a bit earlier to get a check up appointment with Dr. Meltzer. Jen and I did our usual morning routine of coffee, yogurt parfait (a breakfast favorite brought home with me from the Greenbaum hotel, but made with plain whole milk yogurt and granola, it’s a lot less sweet that what is served at Greenbaum). We got started so late in the morning for our bike ride that we shortened our ride planned ride from 3 hours to 2 hours. I was bummed, but life always has its trade offs. We arrived home from our bike ride got cleaned up and dressed and headed over to Cal Dreaming.

We had no idea where to find anything. We found Terri at one of the vendor booths and chatted for a while. Jen met up with Carla from Carla’s, it’s been years since they have met. This was Jen’s first place to meet other trans folks when she first began her journey so many years ago. Jen and Carla chatted for a while about all that has happened over the many years that have passed. Wondering where Dr. Meltzer might be, I called Kara on the phone, ug.. no answer, so I left her a message. Mel was hungry so we headed off to find a place to eat.

As we were walking down the main hall, Kara walked by and we flagged her down. We greeted and headed off to meet with Dr. Meltzer. Kara was having lunch with Dr. O in the hotel’s restaurant when Dr. Meltzer, Linda and Nicole walked in for lunch too. Ti turns out kara left her cell phone on the restaurant table when we called, that is why she did not answer. Funny how all this works. They were pretty much done when we arrived. Dr. Meltzer, Linda headed up to their hotel room for Kara’s post op check up. Our check up as a bit later, Linda would find us when they are ready.

Mel sat down with Jen and I and ordered some food. Nicole (This was our first intro) asked if she could join us. Sure, the more the merrier. Nicole had her VAG done by Dr. Meltzer about three weeks ago. While she was there, Dr. Meltzer mentioned he was planning to be at Cal Dreaming this month. Nicole owns a Porsche, Dr. Meltzer also owns a Porsche so they had stuff to chat about during her time at Greenbaum. Nicole mentioned she could pick them up at the airport, and much to her surprise Dr. Meltzer accepted. That is how the three of them wound up at the hotel’s restaurant. The four of us chatted about dates with plastic boyfriends and other stuff post-op TS women chat about.

A short time later, Linda appeared and asked if we would like to do the post-op check up now. Sure, we are pretty much free so we followed Linda up to Dr. Meltzer hotel room. He greeted us with a warm hello. Linda handed me one of those famous paper patient gowns to change into. Now, I have never had to deal with one of these before and had some trouble figuring the thing out. Linda had a look and found the gown was defective. She handed me another one and I went over to the bathroom to change. I held the back of the gown closed with my left hand and sat down on the recliner and foot rest with my legs apart (yea, it’s pretty undignified, but hey, it’s what needs to be done) ready for the exam. Dr. Meltzer had a look and everything has healed up quite well. I told him there was still a bit of granular tissue at the apex of my vagina he asked me what has been done to treat that area so far. I told him Dr. Shaffer has been treating that area with silver nitrate for the past few weeks and it’s improved significantly. He asked Linda to get me a scrip for a steroidal cream that would be apply to the tip of plastic boy friend when dilating. This will help improve and speed up the healing process. I asked Dr. Meltzer if there should be any hair zapping that should be done before Labiaplasty. He said, it looks good enough, but you should consider doing any hair removal after Labiaplasty. It’s better to have hair in the right places to help hide the scars from the suture lines. I was able to dodge the hair zapper needle again for now.

We always end up taking about cycling when ever we are with Dr. Meltzer. He mentioned to me one of his patients that he rides with regularly with got in contact with me via email and I confirmed this contact. One day, we should all get together in Scottsdale just to go cycling. It would be a fun thing to do. It’s a small world.

The conversation moved on to breast augmentation. This was something I have been seriously considering for a while and have done much research on the topic alone with a few consultations with other local PS surgeons who does a lot of these. The women in my circle of friends who had this done are either moms that have breast feed and ended up with deflated breast or TS women who wanted more than what they got from hormone therapy. An interesting note on breast implants, most of my mom friends and women on the message boards who got implants tended to get larger ones than my TS women friends. Many of the women on the breast implant boards tended to have implants in the over 350cc range. This includes many of my mom friends. These women are generally smaller than my TS women friends. My TS women friends tended to get implants in the under 350cc range. They just want to be better proportioned rather than busty. Me, I would consider an implant of somewhere in the 200cc to maybe slightly over 300cc range, nothing bigger. From my experimenting with water filled baggies, 250cc would easily make a full ‘C’ cup, this might be bigger than what I would like to live with..

Saline vs. Silicone gel, both Dr. Shaffer and Dr. Aslan believes saline implants are safe enough. Dr. KRC our surgeon friend does not like any kind of breast implants. I guess it’s from dealing with them as a surgeon.

After nearly 6 years of effective hormone therapy, I have pretty much equaled my sisters and nieces in breast development. That’s a good thing. All this says a lot about genetics and what one can expect. I don’t want anything big, just fuller than what I currently have. One of the possible problems with this procedure is ending up with numb nipples or general loss of sensation in the breast. We asked Dr. Meltzer about this and incision placement he told us nerves can be avoided by being careful during development of the incision under the nipple.

The crease incision works well too, but once the implant pocket is made you can’t always predict where the new breast fold falls and “under the arm pit incision has a greater risk of hitting nerves since this is where the nerves route to the breast. It’s a bit comforting, but I’m still worried about this happening to me if I elect to have this procedure done. I would be totally heart broken if bigger boobs resulted in loss of breast sensitivity. I already knew the bigger the implant, the bigger the possible problem and Dr. Meltzer confirm this. It’s really a beauty accessory that you wear daily. I’m still sitting on the fence with this one. Labiaplasty next year, yes. Breast Augmentation, maybe, and still maybe..for now.

We asked if Jen wanted a check up too. She was a bit hesitant for a moment, but accepted. Jen and I went over to bathroom to change out of my paper exam gown and handed it to Jen. She got into the gown and sat down in the same recliner and repeated what I just did. The first thing Dr. Meltzer noticed was the large infection on Jen’s leg we suspected it was an insect bite gone bad. We don’t know what really happened. This thing has been getting worst over the past few days. Dr. Meltzer appeared very concerned about the condition of this affected area.

He asked Linda to get an anti-biotic scrip for Jen and told Jen to see Dr. Shaffer or another doctor to have it drained. If he had the instruments and meds to get that done then, he would have treated it during this exam. After dealing with the infection, Dr. Meltzer did Jen’s post-op check up. All was fine and ready for Labiaplasty in October this year. Jen headed off to the bathroom to change back into her clothes. We had a few minutes left before his presentation and there was just enough time to phone in a prescription for Jen’s anti-biotic and my steroidal cream at the local pharmacy we use. What a way for Dr. Meltzer to do a, “house call.”

Linda, Jen and I headed to the room where Dr. Meltzer’s presentation was being held. Dr. Meltzer joined us in the presentation room a few moments later and began his presentation. Five of us sat together, Kara, Nicole, Me, Jen and Mel. All of us went to Dr. Meltzer for vaginoplasty at some point in time. The presentation consisted of a discussion of the various procedures he does and before and after images of these procedures. It was an interesting presentation and I learned some stuff about these procedures. After the presentation, there was a question and answer session including some rather active words on the topic of health insurance coverage for sex reassignment surgery. My feelings on this topic have not changed from what I wrote about this previously. Jen wanted to stop by the pharmacy to pick up her meds and go home to rest. The group wanted to have dinner together. I asked Mel to call me and tell me where to go. We said goodbye to Dr. Meltzer, the group and a few other friends. We made it to the pharmacy just in time before they closed. The pharmacy had Jen’s meds, but my steroidal cream will not be ready until Monday. We went home so Jen could get some rest. I asked her if she would like to join us for dinner. She told me she was a bit tired and her leg was not feeling well, she told me to go and have dinner with the group any way. A short while later, Mel called with the restaurant information. I asked if they could stop by to pick me up at out home since it was along the way. The wait for the group to pick me up at home appeared to so long.

I started to wonder what was taking them so long. Well, they got lost in the airport freeway maze and it took a while to get them all unraveled. We all drove over to a local Thai restaurant and had a nice dinner and evening together. It was getting late after an eventful day and we all headed home after dinner.

March and the beginning of April has been a great time for me. So much of my post-op problems are now gone and my surgical site is feeling better each day. What is most significant to me, I’m beginning to completely forget what it feels like to be physically incongruent. All of that is becoming a distant memory in a rather short time.

Jen and I met with Barbara for the book interview on a late Friday afternoon. Our interview would be used for the ending of this book. The interview was a story about Jen’s journey, how we met and what our lives are like today. We are the love story ending of Barbara’s book. I made it clear that while surgery was an important part of our lives, it is not where the story really is. The story is what our daily lives are like and how we share our lives together as a couple.

During the middle of March, my sister who lives in Hong Kong traveled her to visit. During the time she was here, the four of us (Fay, Diane, Jen and me) had lunch together. What I did not expect was a gift from my sister to cover the cost of my surgery. I was totally surprised and shocked. It took Jen 6 months of convincing and some time with our therapist for me to be able to accept her help to get my date with Dr. Meltzer done. I did better this time. I really don’t know how to thank her for what she has done. After all that has happened to my family, from the beginning to the end, it was my sisters who were always there for me. Their love and total acceptance of me as another girl in the family will always have a special place in my heart and renews my sense of family.

Each day I spend with Camille brings our mother / daughter relationship closer. I’m so happy to have the relationship I do with Camille. Years ago, my mom friends told me how special mother / daughter relationships can be, now I’m living it. I’m also surprised at how much Camille is beginning to physically look like me and how similar our personalities are becoming. Cameron is a young teen of 15 years old. My transition has been difficult for him. He has grown as much as he has changed. I will never have the father / son relationship with him; I can still be a loving and supportive parent for him. I believe the job of a parent is to love and support their children to find and make a life of their own. I have watched so many parents foist their expectations upon their children, live their dreams thru their children and ruin their children’s identity and sense of self in this process.

I finally got my Lancia Monte Carlo / Scorpion titled and registered. We are so relieved this is done and over with. Jen’s Triumph TR-3 restoration project that we started last spring and before our trips to Scottsdale is nearing completion. The body stuff is very near done and the engine and transmission is basically ready to install. When the TR-3 is done, the plan is to get the Lancia back on the road. I have always loved Italian cars as they embody so much of the Italian’s passion and sense of art for the automobile. Contrary to popular belief, they don’t break all the time and are just fine as reliable daily transportation. Over the past 20 years, I have owned 7 FIAT / Bertone X1/9s. This two seater has been one of the most reliable cars I have ever owned, this includes the SAAB turbo I have owned for over 10 years and a host of other cars including a Honda. I have an 1988 (last year sold in USA) X1/9 currently and it gets driven often. This car continues to deliver a degree of driving fun few current cars offer (The only new two seater I care about today is the Lotus Elise, nothing from Ferrari, Porsche, Mercedes, BMW, Bentley, Jaguar, Honda, Nissan etc. impresses me) to this very day. The driving experience of a light weight mid engine car that is done right brings the driver closest to being connected to the driving experience.

Jen and I went shopping at the local nursery for our season of garden veggies. We started this last year when we planted tomatoes, basil, parsley. This year we have planted tomatoes, peppers, basil, parsley, onions, garlic, strawberries and a few other veggies. There is nothing like garden fresh and ripe produce. Yes, we are spoiled. Jen has been planting various spring flowers too. When we sit I our garden drinking home roasted coffee watching the bird and squirrels feeding on the feeders and absorbing the colors and early morning fragrance from the garden flowers, Jen and I could easily spend the entire day sitting there and chatting about stuff. When the weather gets warmer, we bring a cool fruity wine out to our garden table to sip and enjoy. We have our meals in the garden during that time of the year too.

Jen and I make our meals together often. Many times we share the task of our daily meals which means Jen will prepare part of what we plan to cook and I will do a different part of the process. We started to make pizza at home. One of our favorites is chicken sautéed with garlic, peppers, onions in olive oil. A blend of mozzarella, Monterey jack, cheddar cheese is placed on the pizza dough before the sautéed chicken mix is laid on top. Jen preps the dough (its pre made from Trader Joes) in the traditional process of kneading, stretching and the well known toss and spin. Jen applies some olive oil a mix of herbs and lightly salt the edge of the pizza too. I make the sautéed chicken mix. Once the pizza dough is ready, we put the pizza together and put the pizza in the oven with a stone at 500+ degrees for 10-15 minutes and the finished pizza is really tasty.

It’s been awhile since I had a chance to go shopping. I got a card from Nordstrom’s Rack that they new arrivals are in and I had to see what they got. Two Nordies later, I got a black blazer, three tops and two skirts. I look forward to spring, summer and it’s warm to hot days. That is when my warm weather clothes and I have the most fun. I have not had a chance to stop by Loeman’s to see what they have. There will be time for my shopping fix in the near future.

Life is good

>^..^<

Nici…..

The End of February, 2005

2005-04-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

February 26, 2005

It was a pretty laid back and relaxing day at home today, Just did my usual post op care and went out for a walk around the neighborhood. I thought about what my emotional state has been like now that I’m post-op. It seems like so many little things in my daily life hold so much more significance to me now compared to before. I’m quite certain I have become more emotional than before. I stopped by the India Grocery store on the way home to see what it was like. We have driven by that store so many times, but never went in. It is a family owned store with many items that are quite similar to stores like Ranch 99. There does not appear to be a lot of store traffic and many of the store items look like they have been sitting there for a long time. Jen went out for a bike ride to Shannon road earlier this morning. She got back after I got home and finished date# 2.

Jen took a shower and is spending time watching TV. For once in my life, my body is honestly feeling like it belongs to me and the way it should have always been. My next planned surgery will be labiaplasty. That will be at least one year away.

I had my appointment with Joy on Friday morning. I dropped off Camille before 8:00 AM in the morning, drove home to pick up Jen. There was enough time to fill up the SAAB along the way.

While we arrived on time for my Joy appointment, she was running way late, about 45 minutes late. The receptionist knocks on the door, and finally, she called us into the exam room. I got undressed and sat on the exam table while Jen sat in one of the chairs on the side. I gave Joy date and specifics of my surgery and I got into the exam position. The suture splits did not concern her very much, “just keep them clean and they should heal up just fine.” It’s the same thing Dr. Meltzer and Dr. Kay told me. The splits have been improving daily and I hope they will close soon. Joy told me there are blood clots on my mounds area, labia, under the urethra. They should improve in time until they are completely absorbed. There not much to do for them at this time. We moved on to doing a vaginal speculum exam. Never had this done before. With little trouble, pain or fanfare Joy inserted the speculum and clicked in place holding my vagina open.

She swabbed several areas inside my vagina, this felt strange, being held open and being swabbed all at the same time. Joy told me there is a spot where some sloughing of dead skin is happening and don’t be surprised if you get a piece of skin during dilatation one of these days.

That was my first female gyno exam. I think I’m going to ask her for a vagina speculum during my next appointment. I’m curious to see what I look like inside. Joy asked me about hormones, I told her I’m on IM estradiol. I don’t think she was not very enthused about this, which was not a surprise to me. I just did not want to get into this topic with her. I know where she is at with this and I don’t want to get into a debate with her over this. The topic of trans politics got started, the discussion went on for quite a while. Most of what she told me, I was already aware of. I was surprised that she got involved with trans politics. Her view of the future for trans and intersex folks in the US is similar to my own, bleak. With a knock on the door, Joy’s next patient was due.

Jen got pretty unsettled about what Joy and I was saying about politics and the status of trans folks in the present day and the future.

I planned to go into work after my appointment, but after getting up at 6:00AM to dilate, getting myself and Camille ready for school, dropping her off at school and the appointment with Joy, I was just too tired. Jen and I went to Uno-Mas for lunch, Trader Joes and Safeway to shop for food. We went home after this shopping. We took a nap together after dilating and we went for a walk a bit later.

Thursday, was the first time I drove up SF to pick up Camille from school. We did our usual after school routine of Dim Sum. I stopped by the 18th Avehouse to see if I can find any registration papers for the Lancia. After looking in the car, I was not able to find anything. We drove home after looking in the Lancia. I really need to get this car registered, so it's another call to the previous owner of the car. I hope he's got all the paper work together by now.

Dilating 4 times a day pretty much consumes most of your day; you have so little time between dilatations to get things done. I went up to the #2 dilator on Feb. 21st with little problem after #1 began to feel loose. The routine now is to start with #1 for 15 minutes or so, then move up to #2 for another 15 minutes or so. I can understand why some women have problems with intercourse. There are a larger number of factors that can affect penetration. This includes PC muscle status and one's emotional state of mind. The suture splits are healing slowly. All I can do is keep them clean and be patient. Each day brings new joy for me every time I think of how my physical body is finally feeling the way it should have been all my life. Being post-op has made me more emotional, more sensitive to the world around me and more transparent with my interactions with the world. There is just a simple honesty that I feel when dealing with nearly everything in my daily life. I can honestly say that I’m finally finding a sense of peace within that I have never experienced in my life. How special is that? How do you thank those who have made this possible? Years ago, I would have never guessed that vaginoplasty would affect me in this way.

I was back to work on Tuesday and Wednesday, It was pretty low key and I was able to begin catching up on stuff. Maribeth and I got back into our afternoon walks. Its girl time for both of us and time we both enjoy deeply. I know she is going to off to another work place in the near future, but I hope we stay in touch. True friends are relationships that are worth the time and energy spent. We share so much in common, being moms, our Asian history, and much to my surprise, our personalities are similar in many ways. I printed out a copy of my journal for Marc to read. The next day I asked Marc what did he think of the journal? I was surprised to learn my journal affected Marc the way it did. I guess sharing my experience can be a good thing for those who are interested. I guess there is a part of me that just wants the world to know what my life’s story has been like and where it is now. I don’t want to be known as another TS woman, I want those who are interested to know me for who I am. A specialty audio designer, a B&W photographer, an avid cyclist, a loving parent of two children, an Italian car lover, a cook, and all the other things in life not related to me being born this way.

Dr. Shaffer Visit Number Two

After dealing with my post-op problems during the middle of February, I spent a week at home doing not much other than resting, keeping the surgical area clean, dilating, and other post op care stuff.

I went back to work 3 weeks post op, kept everything low key and did just fine. We live close enough to where I work and that allowed me to go home to dilate, some quite time alone (Jen tends to go out for walks or pedal the bike or etc. in the afternoons and have lunch. Once in a while, we would both be home together and we would share lunch.

After the 6th week or so, I was finally able to ditch the rolled up blanket I sat on to prevent pressing on my surgery site when sitting. It’s all the little things like this that you get to appreciate once you don’t need to do them anymore. It was also around this time when I stopped using the sitz bottle every time I used the potty. That was another little thing to deal with. The pee splattering is far less now that the swelling had gone down and the stream direction is not bad at all.

Friday was post-op appointment number 2 with Dr. Shaffer. It was similar to my first exam on Feb. 23, 2005 areas of treating granular tissue with silver nitrate, cleaning places that I was not able to reach, a vaginal speculum exam to see how my internals are healing, more treatment of granular tissue with silver nitrate inside my vagina and a general evaluation of my post op condition. The blood clots in my labia, monds area, and just below the urethra are pretty well absorbed when Dr. Shaffer did the exam this time. I’m still swollen in some areas but I’m certain they will improve in time. My suture tears have pretty well healed up ( the tears were not small, the one on my left labia was about 30mm long and the one on my left labia was about 15 mm long except there was a space that extended nearly 50 mm behind it. It’s amazing to me that my body fixed this in about 2-3 weeks. I asked our surgeon friend Dr. KRC about this and she was pretty correct in predicting the amount of time required for my body to heal. It required a significant amount of attention to keep the suture splits clean so they can heal. Dr. Shaffer went on to clean out a small yeast infection between the clitoris and urethra and began to treat some external areas of granular tissue with silver nitrate. The problem was, one of the areas that needed treatment was around my clitoris. I was already jumpy after being cleaned of the yeast infection and when she began to treat that area under around my clitoris with silver nitrate, I got really jumpy. Dr. Shaffer looked at me and said, "I’m going to get some topical solution to numb the area so we can get this done." I told her, “I will survive this.” Her reply, “You might survive, but I won’t.” She left the exam room and was back a moment later with some local. She applied the solution on to the affected area and we were able to proceed with the things that needed to get done. The next procedure was the speculum exam. Dr. Shaffer had a slight problem inserting the speculum in me this time as I was tense from what happened previously. She had to do the same thing I do before dilating, use a finger to get things started. With a little effort, she got the speculum in me and opened. Inside my vagina, she found some granular tissue near the apex of my vagina and treated it with silver nitrate. To top that off, she also found a slight yeast infection brewing. To deal with this, she told me to dilate with Monistat for a few days and apply some of this with a cotton swab on the area between the urethra and clitoris to keep that area yeast infection free. She removed the speculum, I got off the exam table and we were done with today’s visit. We chatted about how the current US government continues to deny basic rights to trans folks on a federal level. Those who are post-op TS are still not recognized as their post-op sex by the Federal Government. Thanks to the current Administration and the Department of Home Land Security. In most countries around the world including Iran, those who are post-op are legally recognized as their post-op sex, but no, not in this, “Democratic and Free Country called the US of A.”

Jen and I headed home after my appointment with Dr. Shaffer and did some work on the TR-3.
We had a light dinner of salad, fresh bread, some wine and ice cream for dessert. THe rest of our evening was just quite time together as we snuggled together in bed.

Each day that I wake and go to bed, I’m still amazed at how good I feel about me. For the first time in my life, my body feels correct. There are days when I still have pains from the surgical site, but they are small and feel more like a reminder of what has changed about me for good. I still have a ways to go before I’m able to get back on the bike among other things that I really enjoy doing. If some one were to ask me would I do this again knowing all that could and will happen, I would do this again in the blink of an eye.

First Post op Exam

2005-04-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

February 16, 2005

Jen and I just got back from a walk around the park near where we live. I settled down to read my email and when that was done, I visited Becky’s journal from 1994. As I read more and more of her journey, I began to think about my own transition and the life that Jen and I share together. The tears just started to pour out of my eyes as the emotions from all that has happened over the past few weeks really began to dawn on me as I was reading Becky’s journal.

I’m so dam lucky to be where I am today. For the first time in my life, I no longer feel disjointed. Something most individuals take for granted so easily and never considers or thinks about during most of their lives.

It surprised me how similar many of the feelings I felt are so similar to Becky’s. I started thinking back to the time we spent at the Kona Grill, what I come away with is the amount of similarity Becky and I share in the areas of spirituality, being born TS and a host of other topics. Maybe those who transitioned later in life have had to endure so many different challenges that the experience changes them in a certain way. I know that my transition has forever changed me in ways that I may not realize yet. Only the future can reveal that part of my story.

My appointment with Dr. Aslan got moved to Friday, it was originally scheduled for Tuesday, Feb. 22. Heidi called me to tell me that she will be in Surgery at KP Santa Clara, so we moved it to Friday. Jen and I arrived at KP mountain view at just after 9:00 AM. Heidi called me in right on time and did the usual routine of taking my vitals and weight. I was surprised to discover my weight was 151lbs with my clothes on. That would put me well below 150lbs bare. I had no idea I lost weight. I thought I had gained weight instead. We followed Heidi into one of the exam rooms. I Changed into a gown and waited for Dr. Aslan to arrive. In short time, there was a knock on the door, it was Dr. Aslan. She came in and sat down on the stool while I sat on the exam table. She had a bunch of questions for me and I had some for her. She asked me how long was the surgery, just over 3 Hrs, and a few other questions specific to this procedure. I’m her first TS vaginoplasty patient. I told her about the suture tears, that is when I got into the exam table so she could have a look. She probed around a bit with a Q tip to asses the extent of the suture tears. I told her Dr. Meltzer said to keep that area really clean and it should heal in time. Dr. Aslan suggested doing a wet to dry dressing change to aid in the healing process. I was not certain of doing this as Jen would need to play nurse and do the dressing changes for me.

We also got the results of my urine cultures back from the lab. Yes, I got a UTI and the first antibiotics I got would not work for the offending organism, so she wrote me scrip for Cipro.

I suspected there was a UTI brewing and I was right. I’m glad we did the catheter removal at KP and they were able to get this lab work done.

I wanted to get my visit with Dr. Shaffer done sooner than later so we can figure what is the best way of dealing with this. Dr. Aslan was not motivated to have a look inside my vagina using a speculum. That was fine, and could wait until later. She found the article written by Dr. Meltzer and staff regarding post-op care I left for her interesting and helpful. She was a bit surprised at how good things looked given I was still quite swollen and not really healed yet. She told me to call her if I needed anything. Just before she left the room, I gave her a thank you card. Dr. Aslan’s reply, “Thank you Bernice, you’re really sweet.” I just wanted her to know that what she does for me is appreciated.

I got dressed and Jen and I were on our way. I wanted to find out if they had sent my scripts to the pharmacy. When I got to the front desk, there was no one to ask about this, and then I noticed that Heidi was around the corner and I called her to see if she could verify my scripts were sent. She came back a short time later and confirmed my scripts were sent. Jen and I headed down to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts. I got my meds, some more Bactracin and a bottle of KP’s version of Cetaphil to try. We headed home after this trip. The rest of the day was pretty low key. We took a walk around the park, had lunch and I did my daily post-op care. Our evening was spent watching stuff on TV and me resting. I just want to keep things at a low level of activity so my body can recover.

Home Feb. 15th.

2005-02-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

February 11, 2005
Post Op Day 10
Our Journey Home

I got a reasonable nights rest and felt just a bit tired when I woke up this morning to a rainy day in Scottsdale. There has been a lot of rain in the area that has not been typical of Scottsdale during this time of the year. Jen had been the process of packing since yesterday night and got most of it done. I started my packing process a bit later that morning. As I was packing my stuff, Jen went down to the lobby for some breakfast of yogurt, muffins, and a few other assorted goodies. We made coffee in our room for the last time. We got all of our stuff packed and ready to go. I took a shower, washed my hair, and etc. got dressed and I was pretty much ready for our journey home. We moved our stuff downstairs and loaded it into the PT curser for our trip to the rental car place.

I took several pictures thru the care window as we drove down the streets of Phoenix. This drive was an emotional one for me. My mind was full of recent events and all that has happened for us here in Scottsdale at the Greenbaum, their staff and Dr. Meltzer’s staff. In many ways, Scottsdale will always hold many memories for the two of us.

We arrived at the Dollar rental car return facility without incident and the car drop off was just the same. The driver of the shuttle loaded our stuff into the van then we headed off to the Phoenix airport, PHX. We arrived at the SWA curbside check in and the driver helped us unload our bags. One little annoyance during our ride to PHX, some guy stepped on my toe as he rushed to get off the van, yes, it was annoying but he did not appeared to care. I don’t think he even realized what happened. Oh well, Stuff happens.

In the world of air travel, SWA has got to be one of the better airlines to fly on. They are prompt with their curbside service, flights are almost always on time and the personnel pretty much appear to be happy. I have a friend in TX who knows a TS woman pilot that works at SWA. She has an all woman crew. It’s one more reason why I think SWA is successful at what they do.

We got our boarding passes and headed for the security check. The security check line was not long at all and we encountered no problems during that process. Jen and I proceeded towards gate C4 where our flight was located. We had well over an hour before our flight was to depart. We shared a quick lunch of cheese pizza as we waited. Jen picked up a news paper and I wrote about day 8 in my journal. It suddenly occurred to me that my CD case was missing. I was more than concerned. Not only did the case have about 40 of my music CDs, it also had cards and notes that were sent to me during our stay at Greenbaum. Those cards and notes are quite precious to me and are part of my memories from Greenbaum. I began to think about where I might have left it. It turns out, I remember leaving it at the security check point. We headed back there. When we arrived at the security check point, I went up to the security officer, Lori and asked her if she might have seen a black CD case. She had it right there on her desk. She discovered the case soon after we left the security check area. Lori looked inside to case and found the cards and notes sent to me and were in the process of having me paged over the PA. Lori had a look at the music CDs in my case and liked the music it held. She told me it was so different than what her co-workers listen to and such a welcome sight.

With CD case in hand, we headed back to gate C4 settled down into a chair and waited for our flight. We got a pre-boarding pass so we won’t need to deal with the rush of passengers trying to board the flight. This idea came to me when we were returning home after Jen’s surgery and it is a good thing to do. The flight arrived pretty much on schedule and we pre-boarded the Boeing 737 with the pass issued to me. We sat near the very front of the plane and waited for the rest of the passengers to board and get ready for take off. Our trips up and down the western skies were a totally uneventful one. I feel far safer flying in a well maintained and engineered airplane such as the Boeing 737 than driving on the road. Modern aircraft and air travel is amazingly safe. It is one of the safest means of transportation today. This is a tribute to the individuals involved with the aircraft industry and airlines like SWA.

Our flight landed at SJC and picked up our baggage without incident. Vicki picked us up on the arrival curb side and we were off to home. She dropped us off in our drive way, I opened up the door and while Vicki and Jen help unload and bring our stuff inside. Gosh! It’s nice to be back home. One of the first things we did was to let our Parrot out of her cage. From what I can tell, Blasé was glad to be out of her cage, but wow, did she look upset at us for leaving her alone for such a long time.

I got into my comfy clothes, got in bed to rest and take a nap after such a long journey. When I was rested enough I did my post-op maintenance while Jen made a dinner of chicken and rice. WE had orange / vanilla ice cream center popsicles for dessert. This was our first meal at home together. Later that evening, I called my ex to tell her that we are back and won’t be back to visit for a while. I told her I was tired, she said, “I bet after that trip.” I spoke to our daughter Camille for a short while and chatted about what has been going on in her life. I miss our kids after being away from them for what appears to be such a long time.

It was a cold and rainy night as Jen and I began to settle back in our home. The rest of that evening was simply quite time for Jen and me.

February 15, 2005
Post Op Day 14
Little Things in Life That Can Be So Easily Taken For Granted.

February 13 & 14^th.

Sunday was a nearly uneventful day for us. I was still tired for all the recent events that I decided to simply take a day of rest and do as little as possible. It was also a day that I needed to figure out how to deal with the Foley Catheter that I came home with. I called our doctor surgeon friend Dr. KRC to discuss the possibilities. I called her in the cell phone at first with and got the voice mail. I left her a message, Then, I called her home number and she answered. Dr. KRC was reading my journal when I called. I explained in detail what happened and she told me that catheterizing yourself is not that difficult a thing to do. Our original plan was to remove the catheter on Monday and see if I could pee, if not the catheter goes back in for a few more days.

My regular primary care doc was on vacation, but I had informed my ob/gyn at Kaiser about my surgery. Dr. KRC told me to call then and discuss this with then. If that does not work out, she will drive down from her home up north to make a house call and show me or Jen how to remove and insert a catheter and take care of what ever other post op care I needed. Now the plan became, call my ob/gyn at KP on Monday to discuss and call Dr. KRC back to see what needs to be done. I had done something that was not very smart when I packed the package we sent home. I put both Foley catheter kits in the package not thinking of the importance of this. Dr. KRC got on my case for doing this as she said, “You should send back your clothes, not something really important like a catheter kit and the ability to relieve yourself if something goes wrong. Catheterization trays are not something you usually find in a doctor office.” All I can say was, “OK you’re right.”

Monday, Valentines day, I called my ob / gyn at KP and left a message for her to call me back.

I waited for the call back. Time passed and I was beginning to wonder. At 11:00 AM or so, I got a call back from my ob / gyn’s nurse Heidi. I discussed the idea of me removing the catheter on our own that day and going the ob/ gyn department later that day I if I needed to be re-catheterized. Heidi said, “No, we don’t want you to do that. Things can happen and you might not be well prepared to deal with what could occur.” So she made an appointment for me to come in first thing Tuesday morning to have the catheter removed and they wanted to make sure I could pee before releasing me back home, otherwise the catheter goes back for a few more dreadful days. Unless you have lived with a Foley catheter and drainage bag for a while, you might not appreciate the significance being able to pee on your own. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday morning and a pre-op exam with my ob / gyn early next week.

Jen went out for a bike ride that morning and I told her of the news when she got back. We got ready to head over to the post office and Safeway for food shopping.

To make things worst, I was getting the sense that a urinary tract infection was beginning to happen. I have had these before pre-op and they are no fun at all to deal with. I knew the symptoms and body reactions. I was hoping this was not going to be the case, but gosh, I knew in the back of my mind it could be just wishful thinking.

Jen ands I drove over to the post office and got our mail including the box we sent from Scottsdale. That was a welcome sight. IMO, the USPS package service is simply good and reliable. The amount of stuff I have sent via USPS has not been small and so far, they have been 100% on every shipment domestic and foreign.

Our food shopping trip at Safeway was uneventful except for me dealing with what feels like a UTI happening and making a dash to the bathroom. I was getting tired from our short trip too, so Jen told me to wait for her in the car. It was a rainy valentines day.

We got home and I got into bed to get some much needed rest. I also took one of the Doxicyline tablets prescribed for me as part of my post op meds. I should have been more diligent with taking my meds on schedule. BTW, my rash and cough is pretty much gone now. The scheduled prednisone tables really work well to help clear things up fast.

The rest of the evening was spent with a quite dinner together with lots of rest and post op care. I got a visit from my little sister, Amy. We met at the same picnic Jen and I met at. I have tired to do what I can to help her along her life’s journey and seeing where she is today is very rewarding to me. I got out a new Foley bag from one of the kits thinking there might be a risk of infection myself from anything that might be left over from the old Foley bag. I set the thing up and we went to bed thinking about the events to come on Tuesday morning.

February 15^th.

I slept pretty well that night. I woke up at just after 6:30 AM which is pretty typical for me. Jen woke up a short time later. Both of us got ready to head over to KP to deal with my Foley catheter. It was another rainy day. We arrived at KP pretty much on time and checked in. I believe nearly everyone in that department knows me as I go by there once every 2-3 weeks for my EV injections. It has become a friendly and familiar place for me and the staff who work there.

My name was called and my ob/gyn’s nurse (nurse ‘A’) opened the door and welcomed me into exam rooms 3. She gave me a gown and instructed me to change into it and she will be back in a moment. She is also one of my favorite staff members there. I got to say the gown in the ob / gyn department are definitely prettier and more feminine that the plain white with blue printed lines issued at the Greenbaum. I got changed and began to lie down on the exam table just as she arrived. I got into position, she got everything ready and Jen held my hand for what was about to happen. Nurse, ‘A’ told me to be ready and with a gentle tug, a moment of burning sensation from down stairs, the catheter was out. I also made a considerable mess on the pad she put under me just before this was done. I told nurse ‘A’ that I might have a UTI brewing. She wanted me to drink some water and try to pee into a sample tray so they can run a culture for what might be a possible problem. I went to the bathroom just around the corner and not much came out of me except a few dribbles. I began to worry again. I really did not want that catheter back in me again. Nurse ‘A’ came back to my exam room to check on me. She told me to be patient and not rush as this could take some time to get things working again after being catheterized for the past several days. She had what appeared to be an endless supply of sample trays for me to get a good clean urine sample. I kept drinking. Nurse ‘A’ did a quick exam on me to see if my bladder was getting too full. It was definitely filling, but nothing was coming out yet.

Two trays, two dribbles. Not enough to run a culture or sample test. Jen appeared to as concerned over this as I was.

Once again, nurse ‘A’ told me to try and relax and don’t worry. If it’s going to happen, it will, if not we will deal with it. I kept drinking water and cranberry juice.

The time passed slowly and I sat there browsing the stuff in the exam room and Jen doing the same. I got the urge to pee and I headed off to the bathroom with sample tray in hand. I sat down on the potty and amazingly I peeded! It was over 100 CCs and enough of a sample to run a test and culture. I went back to the exam room with a huge sense of relief and big smile on my face. When I opened the exam room door, Jen saw the big smile on my face and pretty much knew what happened. A short time later, nurse ‘A’ came in to see how I was doing. I told her what happened and gave her the sample tray. She gave me a hug with a big smile and said, “congratulations!” She took the sample off to the lab for culture. A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom and did another pee into another sample tray. I produced a similar quantity to the first time and it was another sample off to the lab. Things appeared to working again. I still had the sense that a UTI might be happening, but knowing that they have two samples from me, that should be enough for the lab and my doctor to figure out if there is a problem. The three of us had a little celebration in exam room 3. I got dressed and ready go head home. We were so relieved that things are working again. On our way our of the exam room, my doc was headed down the hall and we chatted for a bit. She was getting ready for a patient so we chatted for a few short moments. I would see her early next week for my post-op appointment. I said goodbye to my doc, nurse ‘A’ and Heidi.

We stopped by Uno Mas restaurant for one of our favorite lunch time meals, roast chicken tacos. It was short trip home from Uno Mas. We came home to some flowers sent to me from my therapist, Cynthia. The note said, “welcome to the rest of your life, Heal Fast!” I changed in something comfy and got into bed to rest and do post op care.

Dr. KRC called me to see how I was doing. I told her all that has happened and she told me what other possible problems to watch for and could come up during this recovery process. A few of the common problems Dr. KRC told me about, failure to completely empty the bladder. If you fail to completely empty your bladder, you find yourself going to the bathroom very often since you are only draining off a bit of what is in the bladder. The other one is urinary tract infection. This one I think we got covered. Dr. KRC told me to call her if ANYTHING comes up that appears to be a problem. She has taken care of post vaginoplasty women before and it is so comforting to have a doctor/ surgeon and friend like Dr. KRC.

I feel so fortunate that we have so many caring health care providers and friends who are doctors that are so willing to help us in times of need and understand our specific health care needs. One of the things to do on my list is to thank all the health care providers that have helped me in so many ways along my journey. I want them to know what they have done for me and the difference they have made in my life. Some of them are trans themselves or have been opened minded enough for me to share what I know combined with their medical training to meet my specific health care needs. This will be a note of thanks from the bottom of my heart. A good health care provider is hard to find and when you do have more than a few in your life a note of appreciation can make a difference in they lives.I also want to THANK all of those who called me to see how I was doing, sent me various gift of caring and love while we at the Greenbaum hotel. There are some things that I felt were not visible in a material way, I felt the spirit of love and caring each and everyone who had me in mind as I traveled this journey. I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. You will always be part of my good memories during our journey to Scottsdale.

What I have shared in this journal is very close to everything I have written in my own journal that I have kept for years. I hope the sharing of my journal has enriched your lives in some way. It’s part of my belief that the sharing of life experiences we have can enrich our lives in their own way.

Day 9, Goodbye Greenbaum

2005-02-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

February 10, 2005
Post Op Day 9
Goodbye Greenbaum

I woke up this morning with a reasonable night of sleep. It was a quite evening after such an eventful day. My rash was now improving rapidly and the cough was passing nearly as well. The Meds Dr. Meltzer ordered for me yesterday made a rapid and significant difference in the rash in short time. Breakfast arrived on schedule and Jen arrived a short time after breakfast arrived. We had breakfast together on the small table in my room along with our usual morning chat.

The task at hand now is to get my stuff packed back into my bag and be ready to leave Greenbaum for our room at the Holiday Inn. We took out time packing together. As I was packing my things, I was also thinking of all the memories I will be bringing back with me. For the most part, they will be good and special ones that will always be part of our lives.

I took a shower and did my personal care stuff for the last time in Greenbaum Room 17. Yes, I started out in room16, but the heating and cooling controls in that room got whacky and the room remained too cold for my comfort. The Greenbaum hotel is only a couple years old, but for what ever reason, the heating and cooling in that building has been the number one problem for that building since it was opened. You got to wonder, in this day and age, why something so basic is such a problem in a new building.

I changed into my clothes for the day and we waited for Dr. Meltzer to stop for our last check and visit. Debbie stopped by to see how we were doing and to chat. During out times at Greenbaum, We have gotten to know Debbie as more than a patient’s aid, but as a friend. She is this bubbly happy southern charm. We took a few pictures together and said our goodbyes to each other.

Our last lunch at Greenbaum arrived and we shared the meal together in the quite of my room. It was a over cast day in Scottsdale with the sight of rain expected over the next few days.

Dr. Meltzer arrived and we discussed what needed to be done as I will be traveling home with the Foley catheter in place. It’s a problem, but not the first time this happened. We chatted about his visit to Cal Dreaming and cycling in the south bay. After our chat we gave each a hug goodbye. This hug felt different than any of the hugs before. The hug felt like a loving father saying goodbye to his daughter who is about to head out into the world. This was a hug from Toby I will always remember. He headed off to visit his other patients at Greenbaum.

Jen got all our stuff ready and began moving everything down to the car. We had one last look at room 17, then room 16 and room 11 where Jen stayed for her surgery in October. Each of those rooms and Greenbaum holds many memories for both Jen and I.

We walked up to the nurses station to say we are checking out. Charlotte got my paper work done and she walked us to the elevator. We took the elevator to the ground floor for the last time and we hugged and said our goodbyes just outside the building.

We got into our rented PT curser and we drove a short ways over to the Holiday Inn. Jen unloaded and brought most of my stuff up to our room. The room was strange and familiar all at the same time. I have not been in this room for several days, yet, it was nice to be back in this room where it all began. We looked at all the stuff we needed to bring back home and decided to USPS a box back rather than trying to bring it back in our bags. It was a simple task of bringing what we wanted to ship back to the post office and sending it.

I got in bed to rest for a little while before we headed over to the post office located a short distance away.

Late that afternoon, I got a call from Dr. Becky Allison. She is a cardiologist who transitioned back in the mid 1990’s. She published one of the first TS web pages during the early days of the web. I remember reading her story back during the mid 1990’s when I first began to seriously look into my own gender issues. What I read on her web page as inspirational and comforting in many ways. I did not know she lived in the area until I Cheryl and I were taking about the local T* community. That was when I decided to send Becky a note earlier in the week. Becky called just after we got back from the post office to ask if we would like to have dinner with her later that day. We decided to meet at the Kona Grill in the Fashion five malls. Becky had to stop by home before meeting us for dinner. Becky asked her partner Margaux (also post-op TS) if she would like to join us for dinner. We arrived at the Kona Grill just a before 6 Pm and was wondering if Becky would be able to find us. Becky found us with little trouble; there are very few women with knee length hair. She got my attention with a gentle tap on my shoulder. We greeted each other with a hug and big hello. I introduced her to Jen; unfortunately, Margaux was not feeling well that night and was not able to join us. The Kona Grill was pretty busy that evening and we decided to try another restaurant. Becky led us to a Brazilian restaurant a short distance away. Unfortunately, it has closed since she last been there. It was back to the Kona Grill. This time, Becky got a beeper and it was only a short wait before we got a table. Once we were seated, the conversation began to flow about our history, what our transitions were like, Dr. Meltzer and staff, life in Phoenix her partner and a host of other topics. I asked Becky about her web page and why she kept it up since her transition. She told me that it all began as part of her transition Journal and after her transition in the mid 1990’s she decided it might help those who are in a similar situation. Fact is, the web page never really affected her professional life, it has helped countless other TS women like me and it was a means of communications with those who share similar life stories. Back when she transitioned, it was expected that once you are post vaginoplasty that you disappear into the fabric of society and never reveal your past. It’s similar to a witness protection program where a key witness was give a new identity and asked to move on with their life from there. We both agree this model is not a healthy one, being born TS will always be a core part of who you are and to deny this is similar to hiding in a different closet again. The belief where you disappear into the fabric of society never to be heard from again is based on shame, the social shame of being a TS individual. I’m not going to broadcast my history, but I’m not going to deny who I am if the topic comes up. Dr. Becky Allison continues to be of help and inspiration for many in the trans community. She also mentioned to me there are more TS doctors who transitioned in recent years than one might believe.

It is interesting to note Becky and Margaux is aother TS couple who have been quite bonded for the past 11 years. I suspect the number of T* couples that exist are not small. I know of several T couples and every one of them as quite special in their own way. Like Jen and I, our relationship is based our love for who we are and the physical genitalia between us has far less meaning in our relationship. Most heterosexual relationships are quite centered on the physical sex of male, female, procreation and expected gender roles. In many ways, T couples challenge all of those rules and create a relationship based on far more than just that. No, this does not make T relationships better, but rather unique in their own way.

I believe most individuals who are born heterosexual have their own instinctive / primal drives to find a partner, procreate and do all those things that are considered ‘normal’. The problem occurs when the different instinctive / primal needs collide with each other in society and culture. There is a lot of strong emotions around, “If the way I live and value system works so well for me and makes me happy, they it must be right and work for you and we have written words to justify it.” This is also known as the tyranny of the majority. The measure of humanity within a society depends a lot on how it treats its minorities.

The food was great and the sharing of our lives wonderful. We got back to our room in time for my personal care needs.

The rest of that evening was spent as quite time together. Jen began to process of packing our stuff for our trip home. I got to bed early trying to get a good nights rest knowing we have a long journey ahead of us back home.

Day 8, What It Means to Love

2005-02-12T21:04:00.000-08:00

February 9, 2005
Post Op Day 8
What It means to Love

This morning began with my eyes gently opening to the view of an overcasty day in Scottsdale. The weather forecast had predicted rain for this weekend. I rolled my bed up and sat up for a moment for m head to clear from the nights sleep. The time was just after 7:00 AM and I began to think of the events for today.

During my childhood when I was between the ages of 8 – 10 years of age, I had many reoccurring dreams of me being in the hospital and having surgery done on me for something. At the time, I had no idea what those dreams were all about. It did increase my childhood curiosity of things medical and medical stuff related to surgery. I played out my childhood curiosity by reading books and imagination for a while. As I grew older, my curiosity for things medical faded along with the memories of those dreams. Some fragments of those dreams remain with me to this day. Now when I look back upon those dreams, I honestly believe those dreams were to become the story of my trip to Scottsdale and my surgery date with Dr. Meltzer. Strange how some childhood dreams can come true.

Back in the winter of 2000, I requested information regarding vagionplasty with Dr. Meltzer office, he and his staff were based in Oregon at that time. The surgical facility was located at Eastmoreland Hospital. A few short years ago, his practice was literally evicted from Eastmoreland by the hospital’s new owners. It turns out; the new owners from Tennessee had moral issues with the surgeries Dr. Meltzer was performing at that facility, so they wanted him and his staff out, and now. The new owners felt that facility should be performing surgeries and medical services were within their moral judgment of acceptability. Dr. Meltzer and staff had a huge challenge of deal with the all the scheduled surgeries, getting them done, post op care patient care, finding a new home for the practice, and getting the practice grounded again. Their new home turned out to be Scottsdale, AZ. Within a few short years, Eastmorland Hospital had become bankrupt and the entire hospital and everything associated with it went on the auction block. It turns out, Dr. Meltzer’s patients accounted for over 50% of the surgeries performed at that facility. Health care providers who have a significant number of trans patients tend to get tarred with the same stigma, prejudice, ignorance, and etc. trans folks experience during their lives. There are many in the health care profession who look upon proven effective medical treatment for trans folks with significant disapproval.

My breakfast arrive pretty much on cue just like any other morning at the Greenbaum Hotel. I sat up in bed and finished most of my food relaxed in bed. The rash was improving, the sniffles got better, dialiation was Ok, but the tears grew a bit. Thing were looking well so far.

Around 9:00 AM, Cheryl stopped in to give me packet of steroids to help with my rash and remove my foley catheter. We looked at each other and she asked if I was ready, yea, sure.

She raised my bed, lowered the top part of the bed and helped me into position. She asked me if I was ready, I told her, “let’s get on with it.” She defliated the cuff on the catheter and began to slowly remove it. There is a burning sensation as the catheter was removed. I bleed a bit after removal and told me to apply pressure with a towel to stop the bleeding. The bleeding stopped after a short time. Cheryl asked to go try and pee. I drank some water and tried to pee. I dribbled a bit and it seemed OK. She told me to call if there are any problems. I did my morning routine of taking a shower and stuff. I began taking the Prednisone tablets as instructed to help with my rash. Got back into bed and began to catch up on my journal. All the while, I drank water to get the flow going. I got the urge to go, went to the potty, tried and nothing would come out. I was hoping this was a fluke, so went back to bed and got back to what I was doing knowing I will try again later. By now, Jen had arrived and greeted me with a kiss and a hug. I told her what has been happening so far with the pee problem, Jen knew I was worried. She told me not to worry and things will work out OK, if you wind up going home with the Foley catheter in place we can deal with it. I told Jen, “It won’t be the first time, Trisha had something similar happen to her and so did Gwen.” Things were getting pretty bad, all the instincts were there, but nothing would come out of me each time I tried to pee. I started to get desperate called the one of the nurses. Rita came and told me that they would call Dr. Meltzer’s office for instructions. The instructions from Dr. Meltzer’s office were to go ahead and put in the catheter and see what happened. So Rita, Nancy got a Foley kit and began the process of putting a catheter back in me. Not having drained me for the past several hours has not been an easy to deal with. I lay back on the bed and the process began. The amount of pain involved with this process is not small. Jen held my hand as I winced during this process. Much to our amazement, nothing came out of me after they inserted the Foley. They tried reinserting the Foley two more times and flushing it once to see if a blood clot was causing the blockage, but nothing. There was more than once when I screamed from the intensity of the pain as Jen held me. The amount of pain involved is not small, during my years as a bicycle racer, bike races can easily push your entire body into a state of pain and suffering that is intense enough to where all you can do is use your mind to focus, concentrate and block out how much your body is hurting. Unless you have engaged in a high level of competitive sports, this experience hard to relate to by the weekend warrior. The level of pain involved took nearly every bit of my experience as a competitive athlete and emotional toughness to stay the course. After all of this, I was asked to try one more time pee in the potty. I got out of bed with Jen’s help. She held and walked me to the bathroom where I tried to pee again, but nothing would come out. It was at that moment that I had an emotional break down, and began to cry uncontrollably, Jen held me as this was happening and I know it not for her being there it would have made that moment in my life far more difficult. My mind was reeling for a while as I struggled to regain control of myself. Several minutes passed and so did one of the most trying moments of my life. I got myself back together and Jen helped me back to bed. Several of the nursing staff was ready to try and inserting the catheter again, I knew it was a none option, I had to relieve myself some way since several hours had passed since I peeded. It was only a few moments after I got back in bed when Cheryl appeared with an extremely concerned look on her face. She came over to me and said, “Bernice, We got to get this done.” We both knew it and I got ready to try again. Jen held me as the process began again. This time, Cheryl got the catheter in place within moments and the relief was amazing. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Cheryl’s face. “You have been to Hell and Back, Don’t worry, it’s going to be OK now.” I smiled back at Cheryl and thanked her. It turns out, the catheter was inserted into the wrong place on my surgical site and that is why nothing came out of me on the first try. The nursing staff quickly got everything cleaned up in my room and everything was quite again. While all this was happening some of you might be wondering, where was Dr. Meltzer while all this was happening? He was in the building, the problem, he was already in the operating room working on a patient. It was a moment of bad timing when this happened to me. Jen and I had lunch after I had a chance to recover from all that had happened. We spent the rest of that afternoon together and me trying to rest and mentally process all that had happened. I noticed a yellow envelop sitting on the table and asked Jen to bring it over so we could find out what was in it. I opened the envelope and pulled out what appers to be a dark blue folder and opened it. The folder held a certificate stating that I had undergone Gender Reassigment Surgery on February 1, 2005 and three yellow colored certrified letters stating the same. It looked just like a graduation diploma. That certificate was something of a surprise to me and looking at it made me smile. This must be something new that Dr. Meltzer’s office is doing since none of previous Dr. Meltzer patients I knew had one. I asked if Jen would like one, “yes, it would be nice.” Jen replied. I had already done most all of my legal sex designator change back in 2001-2002 with a letter from Dr. Brownstein. My new set of legal paper work still feels nice.

Later that afternoon, Dr. Meltzer came in to see how I was doing. Our conversation focused on what happened to me today and what needs to be done now. We discussed everything in depth and worked out a plan. I’m going home with the catheter in place and early next week it’s going to come out with the aid from one of my health care providers. If not, Jen or I will get to remove it with help from Janet or Cheryl via the phone. I got sent home with what ever we ne eded to deal with this when we get back home. Our conversation moved on to other topics including a visit Cal Dreaming in April. With all of the events settled, he went on to visit his next patient.

Dinner came and went right on schedule. I told Jen at that I wanted to get to bed early after such an eventful day. We both knew tomorrow would be my last day at the Greenbaum hotel and it would be good to get some packing done if possible. I got out of bed and we began to gather up my stuff and ready to pack in my bags. We hugged and said a loving good night to each other. Jen traveled back to the Holiday Inn for the rest of the evening. I got back in bed and went to sleep early. I was simply drained and tired from all that happened today.

It would be so easy to do the blame game for what happened to me to on this day, but I’m not even going to even begin to go there. Yes, mistakes were made, but no real harm was done and to error is being human. I hope all involved learned something from the experience and it time for all involved to move on with the process and our lives.

Day 7, A Calm Before the Storm

2005-02-10T21:48:00.000-08:00

February 8, 2005
Post Op Day 7
A Calm Before The Storm

It was such a restless night yesterday that I spent most of the day in bed trying to get some rest and recovery for the rash, cough, and dilating.

Debbie came by yesterday with a box of chocolates; it was a present to me from her present beau, Rocky an honestly charming HUNK! He came in with Debbie to visit us and wanted to get us something from their trip to Walgreen’s for another patient. I told him, “Just the visit from you and Debbie is great.” I guess, he just had to have his way and gave us a box of chocolates.

Debbie and Rocky has in interesting history, they met at a garage sale haggling over a CD of all things. During the process of haggling, they connected on another level and have been together every since, that was a short time ago.

It is interesting to note, that more than just Debbie on Dr. Meltzer’s staff has asked potential dates / partners how they felt about trans / intersex folks. What they have told me is, this is one of those questions that can be very reveling about the individual when they answer. When a trans or intersex individual goes thru the process of transition, many individuals near and around them are effected. My own experience with this taught me a lot about many individuals who claimed to be “family” or friends who cared about me. What did I learn during this process? They appear to care on the outside, but how they really felt was concealed by their façade of acceptance, and when the truth of how they really felt became evident, they quickly began to put serious distance in our relationship. You can’t help but wonder if reveling the bare honest truth of who you really are is such a mirror of truth that they are not ready to deal with bare honesty. It’s also telling of how judgmental, ignorant, intolerant individuals can be. When Rocky visited us on Sunday, I asked him about trans folks, as I watched his face and eyes for his reply, “You simply got be who you are.” I can tell from his face, this was an honest reply. I’m so happy for Debbie to have finally found love one in her life after spending over twenty years in a less than happy marriage with children. I gave Debbie a goodbye hug then thanked her for the box of chocolates and asked her to thank Rocky for the gift.

I rolled the bed back and took a nap to try and recover some lost rest from the events of yesterday.

Cheryl stopped by and gave me a gentle wake up nudge to see how I was doing. Other than dealing with the itchy rash that was finally getting better, the coughing and sneezes that was also passing, and the developing slight surface suture tears down stairs, things were OK. She dropped of a tube of Benadryl anti itch cream and #5 dilator for Jen. That thing appears to me as a huge and scary hunk of plastic to me, quite suitable as a self defense weapon. I mentioned to Cheryl that I had a multi orgasm as I was trying to apply Bacitracin to cover my exposed clitoris. Some of those who are reading this might be thinking, OH!!! GOODIEE!! I was so darn tired yesterday night from everything that happened, that was something I simply did not need. It made me more tired and drained from expending all that unnecessary energy. The only good thing about what happened is knowing the anatomy works. Cheryl told me I was ready for this surgery. I told her I have been struggling for years to get this done. Over the years since my orchiectomy, I have developed what is considered a female orgasm. Yes, it is very different than the male ones and they feel correct to me. I honestly believe my brain was born with a significant female template but was suppressed by physical, hormonal and social factors. Once these constraints were removed over time, everything began to grow together in harmony and vaginoplasty is one of the last parts of the physical congruence growth process. Cheryl asked me if I needed anything and I told her no.

My breakfast arrived shortly after Cheryl left my room. I carefully got out of bed and took a shower. There is something about taking a shower that always feels great. I finally felt good enough to take care of various little personal care things like shaping my eyebrows for the first time in many days. I took a walk around the halls and spent a bit of time to share company and time with my neighbor.

I put on my bathrobe and got back in bed to have breakfast and listen to some music. I was still not energetic enough to write and felt it was better to wait until a later time to put my self into words.

Jen arrived just before 11:00AM, I told her I had ordered a few breakfast items for her. The yogurt parfait with fresh fruit and granola has become one of our favorite items. The first time Jen tried it, she liked, so I ordered on and like it too. This is a simple item to make and something we will try to make when we are back at home.

Jen and I sat around to chat about stuff for a while. We watched a few Sponge Bob DVDs before Jen went out for her afternoon walk in Scottsdale. With a hug and a kiss, Jen was off to do her daily exercise walk.

Dr. Meltzer stopped by to see how I was doing. He asked me how the dilatations were going. I told him dilating is just not a problem. But the rash and other stuff was really getting to me. He did an exam on my rash and my surgical site. Dr. Meltzer told me that he will order some oral steroids to help clear the rash and while I was tearing some surface sutures and spotting from this, don’t worry about it. It is more important to stay the course of dilatation and your body will deal with the suture tears in short time. I also told him about my multi orgasm yesterday night. He told me, “Don’t tell every body about that.” We shared a laugh together over what happened to me yesterday night. He was off to the operating room to care for his case of the day.

The lunch menu arrives and I ordered a cheeseburger with chips for Jen and I got the fried chicken, fruit salad, chocolate cookie and ice tea. It seems like my body is consuming far more calories than usual. There is the feeling my body is working over time to put itself back together. This means lots of food in and lots of stuff out. The stool softener is a good thing as it helps to prevents excessive effort to get the potty work done.

Jen arrives back from her walk after lunch arrived. I waited for Jen to be back so we can have lunch together.

The rest of my day was spent resting, listening to music, that chore of dilating and taking a few walks around the halls. We watched some TV together and I had a chance to watch one of my favorite Lorenna McKennitt videos, No journey’s end.

The dinner menu came and went along with our dinner.

It was now early evening and time for Jen to return back to the Holiday Inn. I wanted to get to bed early and be ready for removal of the Foley catheter. All I can do is hope that I can pee once the Foley has been removed and not required to reinstall it. If I can’t pee, it means that there is too much swelling for the urethra to function, a clot along the way causing a blockage or lack of urge due to emotional factors.

I said good bye to Jen with a hug and kiss good night before she went on her way back to the Holiday Inn.

Liz was my nurse for the night, she came into my room to take my vitals and see if I needed anything before going to bed. I asked her for some Ambien, I wanted to be as rested as possible for tomorrow. When Liz returned, she had my night time meds in hand and some Ambien. I did my last dilatation for the day and got ready for bed.

I got in bed and sat for a moment thinking about all that has happened in my life’s journey so far. I thought about the gifts, thoughts of love and caring those have shared with me while I here in the Greenbaum hotel, I thought about the little gifts that were sent to me. All these things made me feel so many individuals are with me in soul and spirit as I continue the recovery process. I thought about all the individuals who affected the course of my life during my time here on this world. I was flooded with a torrent of emotions as I was thinking of what my life has been and where it is today. That torrent of emotions caused a wave of tears from my eyes. I’m so thankful to be able to take pleasure in what appears to be mundane and simple events of the day and have those who care enough about me share to their life with me in various ways. It seems when two individuals meet, spirits either connect or repel and the meeting tends to affect our course in life. In this way, I feel humanity is connected in various ways. It’s like a web of spirits all connected, but the distance of the connections appears to be the difference that keeps some of us apart. In the overall sphere of humanity, I believe we are all part of the human family struggling to hold the sphere together, but not really knowing how.

I connected myself to the Foley bag, lowered the bed, took the Ambien with some water and went off to dream land. What tomorrow brings will be fate.

Day 6, Packing out, the Rash Cough & Sneeze, A visitor

2005-02-09T22:18:00.000-08:00

February 7, 2005
Post Op Day 6
Packing out, the Rash Cough & Sneeze, A visitor

It all started out as a quite morning with a call from Cheryl from Dr. Meltzer’s office. She said, “I’m on my way over to remove your packing and begin dilation. Jen has not arrived from the hotel yet and I still wanted to get some more rest, so Cheryl did this with my neighbor and I waited until the afternoon. I had began to break out in a rash due to some drug allergy, we were not certain what it was, so we dropped just about everything I have been taking, a COX-2 inhibitor (anti inflammatory, pain relief) oral antibiotics, stool softener. We dropped the COX-2 inhibitor, antibiotics and stayed on the other two. But the rash was still growing and getting itchy. This was aggravated by me catching the sniffles sneezing and coughing along with being a bed more than I should.

I had breakfast by the window enjoying the flowers and blue Scottsdale sky. Jen arrived at just a bit after 10:30 AM. We sat around the little table to chat for a while.

My friend Dr. Lauren flew in from LA on Friday with the intention to visit us while we were at the Greenbaum hotel, but she came down with the sniffles and a severe back ache. She had spent the past few days in her hotel room recovering from this and today she was finally feeling good enough to come by to visit. She also wanted to make sure she was not going to pass on her sniffles to me which can slow my recovery. Dr. Lauren arrived in my room at just before noon while Jen and I were having lunch together. Dr. Lauren is a dentist from LA also TS, that I have know for several years and the four of us (including our surgeon friend Dr. KRC). The four of us has taken many trips together and we had planned to all meet here in Scottsdale, but Dr. KRC was not able to make it.

Cheryl arrived in my room around 12:30 PM with my set of dilators, a small douche kit, some special soap, and care instruction sheet.

We had Cheryl, Jen, Dr. Lauren and me in the room for my grand opening. Before we began we got into a discussion of penetration (sex) for most genetic females not being an experience they are usually I control of. Most women lose their virginity to a male during the first time and never really have a chance to learn about their bodies and what it feels like to be penetrated by a man before that. I have despise the way some men in many societies treated women and their female bodies as nothing more than a baby machines and their servants for their pleasure and only there to meet their needs, both physical and emotional. I do consider myself a Feminist, but not like any of the extreme radical feminist on like Janice Raymond (wrote “The Transsexual Empire” More here; http://www.transhistory.org/history/TH_Janice_Raymond.html) variety.

Women should have total ownership of their bodies and what they wish to do with them is by their choice, not dictated by someone else.

Cheryl and I had a few more words regarding these women’s issues before my un-packing got underway.

I rolled the sheets back and Cheryl lowered the top portion of the bed and raised it to a good working level. She opened the suture removal kit. Jen was at one corner of the room taking pictures and Dr. Lauren was sitting near by enough to watch.

It stung with sharp pain as the sutures holding my labia were removed (I stopped even my pain meds in an effort to try and figure out what was causing my rash, so I did this with no help from any meds). After a few moments, all the sutures were out. Cheryl looked at me for a moment once this was done. We stopped for just a moment before the packing from my vagina was removed, or un-wound. This is one of the things every post-op woman talks about. The feeling is unlike anything in ones daily experience. Cheryl picked up the open end of the packing and began to gently tug on the packing. This felt like a moving, but decreasing diameter bowel movement. The packing felt like went on for a very long time. As the packing was nearly completely removed, I felt like involuntary bowel movement was going to happen, but it did not. That was one of the most unusual feelings and experiences I have ever had. Once the packing was out, I took a moment to rest before she does a pelvic exam to make sure my new vagina does not have any problems going to the next step of dilatation.

We took a moment to do a female anatomy lesson; it was also the first time I got to see what my new parts look like with a mirror in hand. While everything was still very swollen, bruised and traumatized. All the basics were there. I was pretty amazed with what I saw; it left me with a smile.

Cheryl put on a new glove while I lay back on the bed to relax. She coated her gloved hand with Surgi Lube and slowly inserted her fingers into my vagina checking for problems. Once this was done and cleared for dilatation, we began. Cheryl got out the #1 dilator. These are hard clear plastic stents with a slight curve near the tip of the stent designed to clear the pubic bone. She coated the stent with Surgi lube and began the dilatation by putting her gloved and lubricated finger in my vagina to get the stent started. Knowing how muscles work and me having some degree of PC muscle control, I gave a PC muscle a big squeeze, held it for a few moments then let go so that muscle would be relaxed enough for the stent to enter. Cheryl held my hand in hers as we proceeded to insert the stent into my vagina. There was definitely resistance from the PC muscle, it hurt a bit and that pain wants to make you contract that muscle. I knew if I contracted that PC muscle, that we would never get that stent in. So, I did what I could to relax that PC muscle instead. Within a few moments, that stent was sliding into my vagina with out too much effort. I got just a bit over 6 inches of depth, in the neo vagina world, that is more than fine. We slowly removed the stent and Cheryl wanted me to do a dilatation on my own. I looked at her, “sure.” I have watched Jen do this countless times since October. The only real difference this time was the tip of the stent is coated with a ring of Bacitracin, an antibiotic cream and the remaining length of the stent is coated with surgi lube. Cheryl prepared the stent for me and I put the stent in my hand, “now, you do it.” Easy enough, I put some surgi lube on the tip of my finger and used the hand mirror to locate the entrance of my vagina by sight and feel, once I located the opening, I gave the PC muscle a big squeeze and let go so it would relax. I took that stent and gently inserted it into my vagina. There was the usual pain upon entry, but I knew to relax and once that was done, the sent went in the full length. Cheryl smiled at me.

For those who are reading this and might think or get any notion that this is sexually fun or exciting, it’s not. At times it can be painful and not the most comfortable thing to do to yourself, but it’s part of the self maintained all post vaginoplasty women deal with. You get to do this 5 times a day for at least 15 minutes, 3-5 hours apart for the first day, and then it becomes less as your body learns to take care of what has been surgically created. The size of the stent is increased as time passes with daily dilatation to enlarge the vagina. A #1 stent is one inch in diameter and#5 is just under two inched in diameter. If you don’t dilate, you risk losing your neo vagina due to shrinkage.

I quickly got a lesson and appreciation of what it means to a woman when she is being penetrated by a man and many of the emotions and feelings associated with this. This was all a very woman to woman experience.

One of the most interesting experiences I have ever had was during the time when I would hold Jen’s hand as she did this at the Greenbaum hotel, I could feel what she was experiencing and feeling as she dilated. It was as if we were connected in some special way. What I found amazing, during my own dilatations, the feelings and sensations were nearly identical to what I felt when I held Jen’s hand. It still happens to this day.

Over the past few days post op, it was as if someone flipped a switch in my brain to, “now you have a female body, and all the connections are right.” That is pretty much how I feel now after today’s experience. It just all feels so right now and what I was born with is very rapidly becoming a faded forgotten memory. There had been research into the science of brain mapping, this is where your brain has a map of your body to help it locate where things are, like hand, fingers, leg, eye, etc. This map is what the brain uses to help it interact with the body. Now you would think having my male genitals totally reconfigured would require some time for this brain map to reconfigure. It did not; the connection was nearly instant like if this is what my genitals should have always been since I was born. I wish more scientific studied were done on this topic.

With the grand opening and first dilatations done, Cheryl packed up her stuff and we got the room cleaned up. Dr. Lauren, Jen and I decided to have an early dinner at Oregano's pizza across the street. We have a ½ chicken pesto, ½ veggie, and extra thin crust. The Pizza a great and we took a short drive around Old Scottsdale before heading back to the Greenbaum hotel. It was time for me to dilate (have a date as I would say to Jen).

We missed Dr. Meltzer today as we were all out for a meal. When I got back to my room, I did my post-op chore of dilating at the specific times. But my coughs, sneezes and rash were getting worst. I have been given some Hydrocortisone cream to help with the itching from my rash and applied some just before going to bed and getting ready for the only time I dilate at 3 AM. I got two hours of sleep before I had to get out of bed from the itching rash. I was quite tired from all the events of the day. I knew scratching would make it worst, so I hopped into the shower and washed up. Then put on my bath robe and went to the nurses station for some Bendryl. I took two and that helped a bit, but not enough to completely control the itching complexly. I got my last dilatation done and tried to go back to sleep without success.

The next morning I was tired and that rash was getting worst and the cough and sneeze was all stressing me out and making me quite tired. Too tired to do any writing, all I was really able to do is deal with the itching rash and dilation.

Nici Day 5

2005-02-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

February 6, 2005
Post Op Day 5
Quite, Relaxed and Basically Uneventful

I Slept pretty well yesterday night with the help of a few Ambien. It was not until just a bit after 7:00AM before I really got going. I have not been feeling that well since yesterday, I’m running a slight temperature this morning so, I’m planning to do a moderate amount of walking around and not over do anything. I went over to the chair by the window and looked out into old Scottsdale town and all the various vintage buildings everywhere in the light of the morning sun and began thinking about all the events in my life that has brought me here. It’s been a long and amazing journey for me with so many individuals who have been part of this journey that have helped me along the way. Several years ago a small group of us spent a lot of time together on an email group list helping each other figure out our gender issues. There was a time when we as a group were so close and helpful to each other, it was a family. I will always remember those individuals who made such a difference in our lives during such a difficult time. While the group has pretty much faded into our past, the connections and experiences are still in our memories. Nearly everyone from that group has moved on with their lives and has found inner peace and a place for herself. I decided to contact a few of our old list members to share my Scottsdale journey with them. How do you thank those how have help you thru one of the most difficult times of my life, when family, friends and those whom you believed loved and cared about you have turned their back on you and walked away when you needed them most. The most amazing discovery I made during that time, was there are those who honestly care and are willing to help me during a time when I needed emotional support most. It is most amazing to me to find love does exist and where it came from. I will be forever grateful to all of those who opened up their hearts to me in my time of greatest need.

My breakfast arrived after I took a few solo laps around the halls of the Greenbaum hotel. I spent a few moments on the small patio located outside the two glass doors near the waiting area. As I looked out towards the main Scottsdale hospital and the streets below, I began to wonder what the future holds for Jen and me.

I stopped by my neighbors room who was Dr. Meltzer’s morning VAG patient. Her name is S*, she is from New York and like me, has been struggling with her gender issues for most of her life. Her brother mortgaged his house to help her pay for the cost of this surgery. His brother suffers from HIV and recently hurt his back they are both so worried that if he loses his job, he could lose his home over this. So, they are both under a lot of stress dealing with this.

As she was telling me her story, I began to think of the cost of this surgery and what Dr. Meltzer has done to keep this as affordable for those who honestly require this procedure. This topic came up in an email from one of my TS sisters. I’m going to copy that email and change the identities rather than write the same thing again.

~~Your writings give me a renewed sense of gratefulness and appreciation for all that have made it possible for me (and TS’s collectively) be able to achieve the congruency that others take for granted.

*That is so true, others take what appears to be so basic and simple for granted so easily. For many of us, what appears to be such a simple thing can become a life or death struggle that has affected nearly ever aspect of or lives since the day we where born. Surgery is only part of what I consider rehabilitation, the more important thing is what we do with our lives when we are done with this. Can we honestly move on and make our contribution to the good of humanity and use all that we learned along the way to make a difference in our lives and the lives of others.

A big part is Dr. Meltzer and staff. One time when discussing xx decision on GRS surgeons she mentioned that Dr. Meltzer’s prices were excessive. The implication was that he took advantage of our needs and was money hungry. Wow… did my defenses kick in. The more I’ve interacted and learned about Dr. M, xx’s statement couldn’t be further from the truth. With his talent and bedside manner, he could make a ton of money if this was important to him… but it is not. For others to have the perception of him being money, hungry, upsets me. Oh well, I guess those of us that get to know him and his business can see and feel the truth, so at least that’s a consolation.

*Wow! You want to talk about pushing my buttons..

* I think I know Dr. Toby Meltzer a bit better and a bit closer than most of his other patients. I have spent time and more than one dinner at Ernesto's with his uncle who had a HUGE influence on Toby's interest as a doctor and surgeon. It took Toby a few years to decide this was his calling and with the surgical skills, training, and experience he has, it would be very easy for him to be doing something else. Believe me, it's not the money from this practice that keeps him doing this, he honestly has an interest for the well being of his patients and it's the humanity he cares about. I know and believe to be true with all my heart, it's based on everything not related to his practice in Scottsdale, but members of Toby's family that I have met.

*Toby has not increased his cost for this procedure for many years, He knows that many of his patients are struggling so hard to afford this procedure and he does all he can to keep the cost of this procedure as low as possible while maintaining a level of care he considers acceptable. If you look at your billing and cost break down, you will discover most of the cost is in the Scottsdale health care unit, not Toby.

*My long time, now semi retired surgeon friend has spent a lot of time with Toby, thinks very highly of Toby's skills as a surgeon and attitude towards his patients. She does not feel this way about many other surgeons who perform this specific procedure. She was at a presentation with Dr. S__ a few years ago and she was very critical of what he spoke about and challenged him more than once during his presentation on what he was doing surgically. It's difficult to fool a surgeon who has been practicing general and emergency surgery for over 30 years. Dr. KRC was an encounter Dr. S__ remembers well.

*In the long run, I would choose the most experienced and best facility and staff for this procedure. What you might save in the short run is really so insignificant in the over the course of your lifetime. Even my primary care doc. that sees post-ops each and every day like Toby's work best. I think that says a whole lot and more than enough for me.

*I do not know of one Meltzer girl who has any regrets. I know a lot of Meltzer girls recent and many years post op that share this opinion.

*I don't think the trans and Intersex community knows or really appreciated how lucky we are to have Toby as a doctor, surgeon, and humanitarian to take care of us.

Dr. Stanley Biber one of the most well know VAG surgeons of Trinity Colorado (he has done near 6000 VAG surgeries before being forced to retire due to insurance), now retired. He has shared his years of experience doing this procedure with a few other surgeons. What he said is required for a doctor and surgeon to be competent and successful at doing this specific procedure is, proper surgical skills, proper training and most of all, heart and caring for your patients. When I think about the attitude of the health care education system and profession regarding the specific health care needs of those who are born trans or intersex, I’m totally appalled. This is current reality to this very day. My ob/gyn at Kaiser told me she had no training or education regarding the specific health care needs of those who are born transsexual during her medical school training. But, there was something different about her, she was willing to learn and work with me on my specific health care needs. Over the next few years, she would do what was within her ability and limits of the KP health care system to get my health care needs met. She was one of the few KP doctors I have met over the years that I felt good about.

I returned to my room and had breakfast near my room’s window and had a chance to enjoy the morning sun beaming into my room. I was not feeling all that well this morning and was running a very slight temperature. Julie, my nurse for today came in to change my bed and take my vitals. I was running a temperature of just over 99 degrees. Julie said not to worry about, you body has been thru a lot. She went back to the nurse’s station and returned with two Tylenol along with my other daily meds. Down went the pills with gulp pf water. I sat at the table near the window waiting for Jen to arrive. I was still coughing a sneezing a bit this morning ad not feeling all that great, so I decided to keep today rather low stress. Coughing or sneezing hurts, your whole bottom already feels tight with all the sutures in place, but when you add coughing or sneezing, it adds to the sense of tightness and hurts a bit.

Jen arrived at just before noon, we gave each other a hug and kiss. During this embrace, I ask Jen if you realize what you have done for me. Jen, I can’t really get inside your head, I could never really know what you are feeling, but I did what I could for you. That resulted in another emotional moment before we sat down to chat for a while before going out for a walk in the halls of Greenbaum.

We did a few laps around the halls and I got back in bed to rest and ice pack the surgical area. When you go out for a walk, it traumatizes the area and you get increased bruising and swelling. So, most of us tend to ice pack the area after any significant activity. This helps to reduce the swelling helps that area feel better. I took a short nap and when I woke up, I felt my slight fever was passing and rested from the earlier activity.

Sundays at the Greenbaum hotel are amazingly quite. There were two patients here on Sunday, Me and neighbor, S. There were two nurses on duty, Julie and Charlotte, and house keeper Ana.

I called Barbara on the phone to chat for a little bit. She told me that the book on lives transfolk is nearly done, it’s down to the last 4 chapters but David has not been feeling well these past few days. She hopes the last 4 chapters can be done before March. Later that day, she emailed me part of the unedited draft of the first few pages from the book. It was the intro and the Story of JoAnne Ketley and Clarence. JoAnne is in charge of the UCSF study program of HIV in transgender women, primarily sex workers who have been abandoned by friends and family. We have known each other for a number of years and we have shared out stories over time. Knowing JoAnne’s story is one thing, reading her story in the book was something quite different. I sent an email back to Barbara telling her I like the story, Jen liked the story too. I’m getting excited to read the book when it’s finally published.

Jen went out and found some freshly roasted Kenya AA coffee beans from The Coffee Bean in Scottsdale and she made some coffee with those beans. The coffee was good, this was far easier than bringing our own coffee beans like what we did during our trip here in October 2004.

After enjoying our coffee, I took a shower and washed my hair for the first time in days. I had washed my hair the day before surgery with a lot conditioner knowing it will be a while before I have the chance to wash my hair again. The extra conditioner and braiding of my hair for the first few days when I was here worked out just fine. Finally being able to wash my hair and taking another shower really felt good.

We went for another walk around the hall just before lunch arrived. Our lunch plates arrived shortly after we returned from our walk and we had lunch together on the little table in front of the window. Along the way, I shared the copy from Barbara’s book with Julie and Charlotte. They were both touched by what was written. I shared some pictures of Jen and I from time when Jen had surgery. All those pictures brought back memories for all of us.

The rest of the day was pretty relaxed; I was still dealing with a slight bit of fever (slightly over 99 degrees) , so we decided to stay in Greenbaum for the rest of the day until was feeling better.

I spent most of the afternoon resting in bed, while Jen went out for a walk. Jen has been spending most of here days here walking and discovering new places in Scottsdale when she is not with me at Greenbaum.

Dr. Meltzer stopped by mid afternoon while I was taking a light nap. He appeared with his scrubs and bike clothes underneath. He was in to check on how I was doing. Another quick exam of the surgical area, all appeared to be OK. I told him I was running a slight fever, and he said, “not to worry. This should pass soon.” We started another conversation about cycling. He mentioned one day he would like to get a bike that is made to measure. I told him, bike fit is the most important thing when it comes to bicycles. Jen and I both own a Serotta Legend Ti with Campy Record 10 speed grouppo. They are specifically fitted to our size and we have done a extensive bike fit with Dr. Max Testa at UC Davis center for sports medicine. This was done during our bicycle racing days when every slight advantage can make a difference. That was one of the best things we have ever done for our cycling. I referred a friend who was new to cycling to go there and get fitted for a bike before going out to shop for a bike. He and his wife both got fitted there and knew what to look for when they went bike shopping. The bike fit also helped to correct a knee pain him wife has been experiencing while riding. To make a long story short, I suggested to Dr. Meltzer to consider a Serotta if he wanted a made to measure bike frame. We both agreed Campy was the way to go for durability and functionality.

This was also Super bowl Sunday, I have no interest in football, but Jen does. So Jen spent the rest of the day watching the game while I rested. We had dinner during this time and when the game was over, I decided to go to bed early.

Tomorrow is my “grand opening” or the day when my vaginal packing comes out and dilation begins. It’s going to be an interesting day.

Nici Day 4

2005-02-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

February 5, 2005
Post Op Day 4
Went Outside to Watch The Parade On Scottsdale Road and more activity.

Since I have not been sleeping all that well here over the past few nights, I decided to try Ambien, one of the optional pre-ordered meds for his patients. I really need to get some honest sleep and rest. I had Rebecca my nurse for the evening to bring me a few. I took them just after Jen went back to the hotel when I was ready to go to bed for the evening. They work, I actually got a reasonable nights rest for the first time in days. I got out of bed at just before 8:00 AM, went to the bathroom, did my morning stuff and took a shower. I got a chance to make a few phone calls to friends and family to chat. I was on the phone with my sister in law, Nancy and I got a chance to tell her a bit more of the realities of this procedure. No, it’s not cosmetic. What you end up with is basically a quite functional female anatomy with most all of the same basic anatomy and problems as a genetic female. I believe many individuals who don’t know the facts or understand what this procedure really is. This has perpertuated many mis-conceptions of what really happens. No, it’s by no means perfect, but as good as current medical technology and physiological limits will allow.

She also was concerned with the amount of pain involved with this procedure, I told her it’s less painful than you might believe, but for me, the emotional pain and suffering I have endured over the years have greatly exceed any pain I experienced during any part of this procedure. My reply to her question surprised her. I asked her if my brother has been reading my journal, yes, and he said, “you asked for it.” Regarding the topic of pain related to this procedure. It’s no wonder I don’t talk to him much any more or have any incentive to do so. He just can’t appear to see the world from another’s life perspective (empathy is one of the keys to learning how to Love those around you) and kind of typical of a lot of individuals regarding the topic of those who are born this way. So much for some of my family members..

I got this Poem from Barbara, a friend who is a painter and writer;

A little o box made of gold,
Challenges what to put inside,
A gift for you.

A seashell, maybe
So you can hear the ocean?
Or a rock I find by the edge of the sea?
A bird, maybe.

My friend Bernice
Is my gift.
Of inspiration,
A woman who roams by the sea,
Jet hair floats in the wind.
Beauty, and grace Sway
Birds and sea lions from rocks.

Then I see a drawing in the air,
Made of clouds,
Circled into friendship
To wear forever.

Love, Barbara

Jen called to tell me she would be by later that morning and asked if I wanted to go down stairs to watch the parade on Scottsdale Road. Sure, I have not gone for a walk today and it would be nice to go out in the warm sunny day. When Jen arrived, I was dressed and ready to go. Today was the first time I got to unbraid my long hair and let it down, that felt really nice. We took the elevator down stairs and walked over to Scottsdale Road. The parade ran on the street in front of Greenbaum. Jen and I stood there watching the horses and various western groups go by. It felt so good to be outside in the sun after being indoors for so many days.

We headed back to my room after spending some time watching the parade. I still get tired easy and I’m not willing to do more than I’m comfortable with. It’s better to do more short outings than a single long one. I remember once when I got home from work when Jen was just a few weeks post-op and saw her laying on the couch rather tired, I asked her, “OK what did you do?”
Jen, “I went out for a 2 hour walk to downtown and over did it.” A tongue lashing instilled and I forbid her to do this again. You really need to learn how to listen to your body as you recover. As well as thing have gone, this is major surgery and should be given all due consideration of what this really is. Back in our room, we had lunch together before Jen headed back to the Holiday Inn. She went out to look for some coffee, good fresh roasted coffee. Since we got into the home roasted coffee thing, we have both gotten pretty spoiled by good coffee and it’s always a challenge to find honestly good coffee. I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment regarding Starbucks Coffee. I honestly believe they are addicting their customers on sugar and the high caffeine content of their coffee. It’s kind of similar to what other manufactures of addictive products have done in the present and past.

Toby stopped by to see how I was doing today. He usually pedals his bike on the weekends and stops by Greenbaum on his way home. When he comes in to visit his patients on the weekends, he usually has his scrubs on since he changes from his bike clothes before visiting patients. Today was an exception, he had on casual stuff. I asked him if he went out for a bike ride and sure enough, he did. He went out on a bike route that was a route another one of his patient shared with him a short while ago. Yes, they pedaled this route together. Cycling is one of Toby’s great joys and Scottsdale is a wonderful place to do this. When we came here in October 2004, I brought my bike and it is one of the most beautiful places I have pedaled. I asked him if he has talked to his uncle recently and he said no. I told him according to Jeanne, his uncle has become kind of a recluse and is now rather private. We spent a few moments sharing memories of his uncle and dinner and food at Ernesto’s. It’s a small world.

It’s hard to describe the sense of inner peace I have been experiencing these past few days. Many of my TS sisters have told me of this over the years, but like a lot of things in life you really don’t know what it’s like until you are there. I honestly believe you really can begin to forget what was and just enjoy who you are in the present. It just gets me angry at quacks like John Money, Paul Mc Hugh who is currently on the current Bush administration’s bio-ethics committee that continues to believe this form of treatment is totally unnecessary and harmful. It is due to their published papers and faulty theories that have caused untold suffering among individuals who are born trans or intersex. It was Dr. Harry Benjamin who figured out what worked well as a proven effective rehabilitative treatment. His treatment model is still pretty much what is used to this day. It’s interesting to note, that this treatment model works equally well on individuals born intersex.

For those who are adventurous, not squeamish and curious, my little sister wrote about her experience here with Dr. Meltzer in July 2004 (yes, we visited her here in July 2004) and posted it on her web page;
http://www.sianna.com/users/amber/srs-all.html?

And yes, there are photos of the actual procedure from 1998,
http://www.annelawrence.com/meltzersrs01.html

And photos of some typical results;
http://www.annelawrence.com/meltzer0100.html

Enjoy…

I spoke to a friend this morning that was born intersex, her parents decided their child should be a boy and had genital surgery done when she was an infant. Boys are highly valued in Asian society and her folks were no exception. Well, that fix did not stick and even when she was going to shoot herself with a gun in front of her father and family years ago, he would ignore what happened and still wanted a boy regardless of how much suffering she had to endure. Years later, she became a Meltzer girl and to this day, her father continues to ignores her or acknowledges who she really is. So much for loving parents, sometimes I believe some parents only want what they believe their children should be according to them, not supporting and helping to become who they really are. I bring this up since I’m also a parent and find this kind of parenting appalling and inhumane. So if you want to destroy your children’s lives, simply take control of them and try and make them what you want them to be. She is now very happily married to a wonderful guy and they have a great life together. I bring this up as an example of so many of us who find true happiness years after the process of transition. For many of us, the challenge is, can we become who we were meant to be and enjoy all that life has to offer and contribute positive things to the society we live in each day if we were not born trans or intersex.
Jen arrived later this afternoon and we took another walk out to old Scottsdale. We got almost to the edge of old Scottsdale town before heading back. The weather has been sunny and wonderful these past few days. Just warm sun and no wind to speak of. That walk felt great,
And before long we were back in my room at the Greenbaum hotel. I hopped in bed to rest, write and do one of my favorite things, listen to music.

Dinner arrived, but nothing for Jen. I wanted to share my dinner with Jen, but she said no. A bit later, Charlotte appeared with my evening meds and I asked her if she could get a dinner menu for Jen. A short time later, she was back with a dinner menu and Jen got some dinner on the way. Jen spent the time watching “ I Robot” it’s not the kind of film I enjoy, so sat down and wrote this long winded entry in my journal and listened to music on my note book.

Later that evening, Jen and I plugged in the DVD player into the room’s TV and watched Joni Mitchell’s Woman of Heart and Mind. At the end of this film, Joni sang one of my favorite songs during my childhood, Both Sides Now. It brought back so many memories from my childhood and how I felt during that time of my life, I began to cry as the lyrics, “I’ve looked at life from both sides now, From win and lose and still somehow, It’s life’s illusions I recall, I really don’t know life at all.” appeared. I was struggling so hard during my childhood to try and figure out why I felt the way I did and that song held so much meaning to me even to this day. As all this was going on, Donna came into my room and took my vitals just as I regained my composure. Needless to say, my vitals at moment were not typical of what it’s been over time I have been here. She also dropped of my last meds for the day before I went to bed.

We watched a few Sponge Bob cartoons before she went back to the Holiday Inn for the evening.
and I got ready for bed.

Post op Day 3

2005-02-05T07:31:00.000-08:00

February 4, 2005
Post Op Day 3
More Stuff Removed, Freedom!

I slept sort of OK yesterday night, it was not as good as home, but far better than the previous nights. I got up at a little before 7:00AM and watched the sunrise outside the window in my room. The sunrise during this time of year is usual beautiful and today’s was no exception. Jen got up a little bit later and came over to say good morning with a kiss and hug. With a smile, “Good morning sweetie ” We sat around to chat a bit before breakfast arrived. At just a little after 8:00AM, breakfast arrived and we had our breakfast together. I ordered the yogurt parfait, scrambled eggs, fruit, toast and ice tea. Jen had Scrambled eggs, toast, yogurt parfait and orange juice. Today was drain removal day. This is a big deal as the drain bottles tend to get in the way of nearly everything you do. Nancy came in with the suture removal kit and told me she has to deal with another patient and will be back soon. I waited wondering what was about to happen. That entire area is a mix of sensitive and numb all at the same time. It feels like a total mix of sensations right now. Nancy came back and we got ready for the drain removal. Up went the bed and I rolled the covers down so she could get the deed done. Nancy asked me if it would be OK for a nursing student to watch, sure it’s educational. Nancy opened the vents on the drain bottles, moved them out of the way, opened the suture removal kit and got out the scissors. With a few snips on the retaining sutures and a tug, out came the first drain. I did not know what to expect so Nancy asked Jen if she remembered what this felt like; Jen said it was not a big deal. It stung a little as the drain was pulled out, but it was really not bad at all. The next one came out easier, it was almost painless. With the drains out, I took a moment to rest before getting out of bed to head for the bathroom. While I was in bed resting, Jen looked at me and said, “gapper.” Errr, yes I have a significantly wider pelvis than you do. We tend to compare stuff like this between us. I wanted to go to the potty and see if I can produce a BM. Sure enough, it happened. Simple as this seems, I was quite relieved this went OK with out any problems. I had moderate problem with gas, Jen had more problems with gas as things got back to working again. The next thing I really, really wanted to do was get a shower for the first time in DAYs! I got out of my hospital gown and into the shower. With Jen’s help, I got a nice warm shower for the first time in days. It’s hard to describe how good that first shower really feels like. I can assure you, it was special. I decided to put the hospital gown back on since Dr. Meltzer will be by later to do a quick exam and deal with anything I needed as part of the recovery process.

Jen looked out the window and noticed Dr.Meltzer’s car in the parking lot so he should be here shortly. At almost 11:00 AM, Dr. Meltzer came into my room and greeted us with his usual bright personality. We talked about how I was feeling and how the drain removal went. It was also the day I resumed hormones. The pre-ordered meds are 2.5 mg Premarin, I take 30mg of injected Estradial Valerate ( delestrogen) every 14 to 21 days, so asked Dr. Meltzer if he could get one of the nurses to give me a shot or should I do it? We talked about this yesterday and he thinks shots are a pain in the butt, literally. I would agree, but they work for me. Since I have the meds with me he simply ordered it on my chart so it would get done. We talked about a few other things before he went on his way to see his next patient.

A short time later, Nancy came in with my morning med in one those small paper cups. It was the usual assortment of antibiotics, stool softener, acidophilus except this time there were 4 0.625mg Premarin in the mix. I asked Nancy about this and asked her if Dr. Meltzer left an order for an injection of EV. She went back to the nurse’s station to check my chart and sure enough, there was the order from Dr. Meltzer. She came back and I handed her the vial of EV. I asked her to use two needles, one to draw and another to do the injection. Nancy told me this is the way she usually does this. Good, a nice sharp needle is far less painful than using the same needle to draw and inject. In short time, she came in with the meds in a syringe and was ready. I got out of bed and she stuck me with the syringe in the left bottom. It’s no more uncomfortable than usual. All I got to say was, the relief was instant. I was happy and beginning to feel right again. Later that day I took my 200 mg Prometrium a short time later. Things were getting back to normal for me on the hormone front. I got out of bed and took a walk around the halls with Jen. This time, I made it all the way around without problem. That felt great. BTW, 16 Laps equal one mile. We learned this from Debbie the last time were here. We planned to do more walking later today. Speaking of Debbie, she stopped by just to check in to see if we needed any thing. She is one of Dr. Meltzer's patient’s assistants. They can take you to places a reasonable distance away from Greenbaum or pick up stuff from a store you would like have. If could be something like a prescription for meds to a specific brand of ice cream you might be craving at the time.

Our therapist called yesterday to see how I was feeling and how Jen was doing with our role reversal. I was a bit surprise that Cynthia called me yesterday to see how I was doing. She asked me how I was feeling, I told her I’m so relieved that this is done and over with and I was surprise at how much better I felt even the first night post op. I gave her a quick up date on what has been happening, it’s basically a very condensed version of what I have been writing in this Journal. She was so happy that I was doing so well. I asked her if she wanted to chat with Jen for a while, yes, and I handed the phone to Jen. They chatted for a while before saying bye.

Cynthia has been our primary therapist since 1999 when I finally needed to seek good honest professional help with my gender issues. When I met Jen, It was a while later that I discovered she went to the same therapist. Cynthia has help both of us over the years with many issues that have come up including writing our primary surgery referral letter.

Several of Dr. Meltzer’s patients stopped by to chat with me for a while. Dr. Meltzer’s patients all have a small yellow sign on their door that says, “Visitors Welcome.” Or “Do not Disturb.”. If you are welcome to visitors, you leave the sign on your door stating this. If you don’t want visitors, you flip the sign over to the, “Do Not Disturb.” Side. Having visits from Dr. Meltzer’s other patients are a good thing. We spend time sharing our stories and making new connections. Interestingly, many of us know some one in common in some way. While this surgical procedure is an experience many of us will always remember, it is not by any means the final step, but a stop along the journey of our lives. Every one I have spoken to has much greater plans for their lives in the future. I know for Jen and me, there are cars to restore, food and wine to enjoy, places to visit, bike trips to complete, children to watch and help grow up ( Jen’s latest family member is Zack who is less than one month old), friends to spend time with, movies and films to enjoy, projects around the house and garden to complete, and this list goes on. The real difference is now we can do this as who we honestly are with without the need to hide any part of our innate personality and being emotionally connected with the world we live in. Being congruent is something most folks simply take for granted and it’s extremely difficult for those who are born congruent to even begin to understand what it’s like be born not congruent.

It’s really much about individual freedoms and not being judged by how you appear physically or having some one or society dictate your life to you based on measure of judgment.

Jen and I had lunch together and we went for another short walk after lunch. This time, It went just fine without incident.

Many of our days are spent taking about stuff or Jen watching TV and me listening to music and writing. There are the usual daily delivery of meds and taking of vitals and visits from Dr. Meltzer or members of his staff. While this facility is considered to e a hospital, it’s unlike any hospital in many ways. It’s more like a hotel, a name Trisha gave this place and it’s a good description for what it is. The rooms are generally quite when the health care stuff is not running. There have been times when we would take a walk in the halls late at night and the only thing you hear is the buildings ventilation system. In a typical hospital, there is always activity at all hours of the day. Many of the Greenbaum staff has worked at Scottsdale hospital just across the road. When they start working here for any amount of time, everyone I have spoken to wants to stay here. The place is low stress, patients generally great to deal with and the patients are generally healthy without many of the problems of typical hospital patients.

Mid afternoon Jen went out for a walk and I took a nap. Jen went back to the Holiday Inn to take care of some personal stuff and returned just before dinner. We had dinner together and took a walk around the halls. This time We did two times around and I felt good.

I got a delivery of flowers from one of my mom friends Helen Wong late in the afternoon. They were beautiful and smelled nice. Another gift to brighten up my room. Thank you Helen & Family.

I had a look at the TV in the room and figured out you can plug in the digital camera or DVD player. We plugged in the digital camera and looked at some pictures we have taken during our trip here. When we were done with the camera, the DVD player got connected and we watched an episode of Futurama and a film about the “Memphis Belle” a World War two B17 bomber, Jen and I both enjoy airplanes. After the videos I was feeling a bit tired from all the events of the day and decided to go to bed early. My evening meds arrived and I took them and said nightly night to Jen. She went back to the Holiday Inn and I lowered the bed and went to sleep. The time was just after 9:00 PM.

Post-Op Day 2

2005-02-04T06:53:00.000-08:00

February 3, 2005
Post Op Day 2
First day out of bed and took a short walk

Nancy was my nurse for today. This is the day when I get out of bed and try to take a short walk. I did not sleep all that well yesterday night due to a noisy IV pump that was still plugged in, but not used. I got up during the wee hours in the morning and spent some time putting up pictures on my yahoo picture page. I was still not able to write due to the IV stem in my left wrist. After doing this for a while, I got tried of doing pictures and tried to get some more rest. My slumber was light, but better than nothing. At some where around 7:00 AM, Jen woke up and came over to say good morning. I’m surprised at how well Jen has been sleeping here even with all the noise and lumpy hard recliner. One of the problems with me sleeping here is my body position in bed. I’m kind of stuck laying on my back with my legs apart due to all the stuff in the middle. It’s just not my usual sleeping position and adds to my problem of sleeping here. I can’t say the hospital beds are comfy either. While you can adjust them in many ways, the foam cushioning is not great.

Day two is bladder training day and try and get out of bed day. When you have a Foley catheter installed draining all the urine from your bladder, your body tends to forget how to deal with a full bladder and you need to get it used to being filled and emptied again. The process is pretty simple. You cap off your Foley catheter with a tapered cap and allow your bladder to fill up and empty it after a while when it’s feels full. You cap off for about 90 minutes or so then you empty it. One thing you learn fast is how sensitive your bladder is to changes in pressure. The first time I capped off and drained it too fast, OUCH. I’m not going to do that again. Nancy came by and gave me a catheter cap and I remember well doing this routine with Jen, so she had no problem with just giving me the caps. I also got Nancy to remove the IV stem from my wrist so I can write in my journal again. I was happy about being able to type again. Janet from Dr.Meltzer’s office came by and wanted me to show her I could do it, but since I just did this a moment ago, I was not too keen on doing this again. I carefully showed Janet that I know how to get this done and she appeared satisfied with what I was doing. I remember Jen telling me what it felt like when you let the urine drain out too fast and now I know what it feels like. Capping off also means being able to get out of bed. Bryna, one of Dr. Meltzer’s patients from last week who came by to say hello and chat yesterday afternoon (yea, we talked for over an hour about out lives) told me today is her last day here before heading back to Connecticut. She had some flowers in a vase left over as a gift and wanted to give them to me. I smiled and gladly accepted them and thanked her for the gift. They really help to brighten up my room. Nancy came by later to help me get out of bed for the first time. The first thing to come off were the compression cuffs on my calf muscles to prevent DVT when you have been stuck in bed for an extended time. Then came capping off the Foley and finally working your way out of bed. I was pretty excited about finally being able to get out of bed after being stuck there for the past few days. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and carefully tried to get out of bed with two blood drain bottles, the Foley hanging from my tummy via tape, the hospital gown that got in the way and still weak from the stress of surgery. I made my way out of bed OK. I felt the need to go potty too, so the first stop was the potty. I tried to get a BM gently but nothing but gas came out. I was not willing to try hard due the possibility of tearing sutures. This also gave me the chance to change my pad. I was still dripping and spotting quite a bit. The next place I wanted to go to was visiting my neighbor who was Dr. Meltzer’s morning patient. I made it over there OK and chatted only a few words, but I suddenly felt dizzy and almost passed out. Jen and Nancy caught me just in time before I hit the floor. One of them got a wheel chair and I was just able to sit down.

I was drenched in sweat after this. Jen and Nancy got my sweat soaked gown off to help me cool off. Nancy got me a cold towel for my forehead and that helped. They wheeled me back to my room next door. I spent some time sitting there to recover from what just happened. After a several minutes, I was recovered enough to get back into my bed with a new gown. I decided to rest in bed for a while before trying that again. Jen and Nancy got me some stuff to eat since I have not had breakfast yet. Some food and some rest made me feel better in short time. I decided to stay in bed to do some writing and bladder train. Jen went back to the holiday Inn for a short while to take care of some personal stuff while. I rested in bed writing and did bladder training. Jen got back after our lunch arrived. I waited for her return and we had lunch together. I tried to take a walk again after lunch, this time, I was far more careful and was able to make it to the nurses station and back to my room without any incidents. It was now mid afternoon and I decided to take a nap for a while since Jen wanted to head back to the holiday Inn for a short while. After my nap, I got up and did some more writing and began to think about all that has happened over the past few days. Jen brought over the box Trisha sent me and I finally figured out the contents. The spices go to Linda at Dr. Meltzer’s office. I was confused about this the first time I opened the package. When Debbie or Janet or Cheryl or Dr. Meltzer comes by I will get them to take the bag of goodies to Linda. I should also mention Ranch 99 is on 44^th. street in Phoenix. She sent me the following; one Pucca doll that is just the cutest thing, a box of, “It’s a girl mints.”, and what touched me most was a card with the following words,

**JOY**

“Hi Bernice, Congratulations Sis! Everyone on the ATGN has you in their hearts and are wishing you only the best for a speedy recovery. Besides our special bond as Asian TS gals, we now share a bond as Meltzer girls too. It’s so cool that you have some one like Jen to love and support you. We all would like to have a relationship that you to have together. Enjoy the experience. It’s so wonderful to be living a life that we have dreamed about for so many years, Love Trisha.”

When I finished reading that card, the tears began to pour out of my eyes and it went on for quite a while. My date with Dr. Meltzer would not have been possible without Jen in many ways. That card encapsulated so many emotions I have been dealing with over these past few days. I tend to keep cards for a very, very long time and this will be another that will be added to my collection. Thank you Trisha, for you have touched me in a way that is special. I hope one day we can meet instead of just chatting on the phone or email.

Jen and I sat down together and had dinner together. After dinner we went for another walk down the hall. To the same place in the hallway we went this afternoon during my second walk.

Just before 7:00 PM Dr. Meltzer came by to see how I was doing. A quick look at my surgical site and he smiled with approval. I asked him why my results looked a bit different than Jen’s. He told me that each patient tends to be different in various ways and in my case the clitoris is not visible since it was hidden by the labia that are still sutured together. That means my clitoris is covered for now. I was thinking, if that clitoris is this sensitive now, it’s going to be a real problem when it’s exposed. In the next few days when the labia sutures are removed and we will find out how much of a problem will be.

When I asked him about the specifics of my procedure, he began to explain it to me, but again the words were a problem for me, so I asked him to draw me a picture. I got a pen and paper and he drew out what was done in my case. He told me that each case is different in some way and this is what makes this procedure technically interesting and challenging for him. Several years ago when I had an orchiectomy done, I was really concerned that it might be a problem when I get vaginoplasty done. I spent a fair amount of time and effort to research this to make sure it was not going to be a problem, and sure enough, it was not an issue at all. Getting an orchiectomy done several years earlier allowed me to deal with the legal aspect of my transition like getting my sex designator changed on my passport and etc. I also allowed me to figure out what mix of hormones works best for me and my feminization from hormones was better. So, in some ways, it was OK, but it really did not fix the physical incongruity problem I continued to struggle with for the next few years. We went on to chat about bicycle stuff, coffee and a few other things. We ended our chat and he went on to see his next patient. I’m going to keep that drawing Dr. Meltzer made for me as part of my stuff from this experience. Tomorrow the blood drains should be removed and I get my injection of Delestrogen (estradiol valerate, 30mg /14-21 days) and begin taking prometrium (200-400mg daily) again. Being back on hormones is going to be a very welcomed thing for me after being off them for a while as part of the prep for surgery.

I spent the rest of the evening doing bladder training, writing in my journal and watching TV with Jen. We went to sleep at just after 11:00 PM.